1. Tornado Update

The twister that ravaged Moore, Okla., is upgraded to an EF-5…Winds reportedly reached speeds of 200 m.p.h….The death toll stands at 24, nine of them children (yesterday’s report of 51 dead was apparently due to the immediate chaos and many of the dead being counted twice and, if you do math well, apparently three times)…Oklahoma City Thunder star Kevin Durant pledges $1 million to storm relief through his family foundation…Today happens to be the second anniversary of the Joplin, Mo., tornado, which killed 158 and is the only tornado among the ten deadliest in U.S. history to have taken place in the past half-century.

2. Troutstanding!

Don’t credit me–Mike Trout’s mom tweeted that word after her son hit for the cycle (infield single to right side, triple to right center that would have been a double for most base runners, double to left, and home run to center) last night in an 12-0 defeat of Seattle. The Angel centerfielder, 21, is the youngest American League player in history to hit for the cycle. A-Rod also did it before the age of 22, but he was older. New York Giant great Mel Ott, who hit for the cycle in 1929 at the age of 20, is the youngest to do so overall. Last note: Trout actually struck out in his first at-bat last night.

Trout

Mel Ott: 12-time All-Star, 2,876 hits.

3. “M-I-C…” (“See Ya’ Real Soon!”) “K-E-Y….” (“Y? Because we are implementing changes across the company to enhance our continued growth while smartly managing costs. While difficult, we are confident that it will make us more competitive, innovative and productive.”)

The Mickey Mouse Club expels nearly 400 ESPN staffers, or approximately 10% of ESPN’s domestic workforce. On the same day the WWL announced that it had hired Birmingham-based college football radio icon Paul Finebaum (“Pawwwwwl!). ESPN is a cash cow for Disney, whose stock has increased 35% in value in the past six months. All of which begs the question, is there ever enough profit to forestall massive layoffs. A source who was laid off yesterday told Deadspin that he was told that the reason for the cuts was that ESPN “needed to make its profit margin.” That is an arbitrarily decided upon figure. It’s not about profit. It’s about HOW MUCH profit will keep investors happy. It’s a f&$% up world, is all I can say.

Still working in Bristol.

I’m sure the remaining ESPN staffers will appreciate how much easier it is to find parking at the Bristol campus. Oh, and by the way, the world’s most overpaid sports business reporter, Darren Rovell, had zero tweets about the layoffs. Of course he didn’t.

(ADDED: The suits in Bristol took a page from the Roman army manual yesterday. They practiced decimation. While we think of the term “decimation” or “decimated” to describe a post-apocalyptic scene such as the one in Moore, Okla., the literal meaning is “removal of a tenth.” As punishment Roman army commanders would split their units into groups of 10 soldiers and then they’d draw lots to see which one of the ten men would be executed. Nobody died in Bristol yesterday, but I’m sure for some of them it still feels like it. They have my complete empathy.)

4. Spurs 93, Grizzlies 89 in OT

San Antonio takes a 2-0 lead and 94% of the time, the team that does so wins the seven-game series. I don’t want to overanalyze this (I’ve stated before that it NEEDS to be Heat-Spurs), but I do want to inform those of you who went to bed at a proper hour that Jalen Rose said that Tony Allen deserved a “Pulitzer Prize” (2:26 mark; I categorize this as “One and Dumb”) for his flop job on the foul by Manu Ginobili. Also, worth noting that the flagrant foul had nothing to do with Allen’s scenery-chewing. As referee Steve Javie explained, “Edd Rush told us to stick it to the Spurs As soon as Manu Ginobili grabbed Allen’s arm in mid-air and unnecessarily created a dangerous situation, it was a flagrant foul.”

Tony Parker: 18 assists, 15 points in Game 2

Finally, I love the Spurs’ new unis that conspicuously fail to have the team’s name on the front. Instead, just the number and a large spur…which is not spurious. Well done.

It’s called the “Chillin’ the Most with Kid Rock” cruise.

5. This is the closest I was able to come to reproducing Drew Magary’s reliably funny and debauched account of sailing aboard the “S.S. Kid Rock” back in March for GQ. Apparently, Bob Ritchie knows how to throw a party on a boat. As Magary wrotes, “Rednecks have more fun than uppity liberal folk like me….(If you’re a redneck) the radio plays songs you actually like.” Me, I’m still searching for any information on a “Pablo Cruise Cruise.”

Reserves

Jon Bon Jovi doesn’t like Justin Bieber, either.

Cleveland is good at something: Winning the draft lottery. The Cavs win their second draft lottery in the past three years, proving perhaps that David Stern does possess empathy. The problem? There is no LeBron James or Kevin Durant in this year’s draft. Or is there? Do you select Nerlens Noel (John Buccigross: “That would make him the first Noel”) and his surgically-reconstructed knee and limited offensive ability because he is such an excellent shot-blocker (does anyone in the draft even know who Bill Russell is?) or do you go with Ben McLemore because he possesses the most MJ/Kobe-esque qualities and his rapping career is really beginning to take off? Me, I’d trade down –to, like, the second round –and select either Nate Wolters of South Dakota State or that kid from Grinnell (Jack Taylor) who scored 138 points last November.

Sergio Garcia was doing so well in his verbal feud with Tiger Woods until he uttered the “fried chicken” remark. Now he’s just another racist A-hole. Garcia immediately apologized and noted that his remark was in no way meant to be racist. Because, of course, fried chicken is a popular dish in Spain and it’s the first entrée that would come to mind.

Sergio: From tee shot to tree shot to cheap shot.

I still don’t understand how he survived this. Basejumping + parachute failing to deploy = Death. Or at least it should.

Uh-oh. “Hangover III” is getting nasty reviews. Not as poor as “Medellin”, but not good, either. And by the way, is there a sports equivalent to Doug? A guy who starts every game but rarely plays? He apparently misses most of this film as well. Can you imagine being Justin Bartha, receiving the script for H-III, and thinking to yourself, Really, guys? Again?

Charlotte Bobcats to Charlotte Hornets (Again)

Names we would have accepted:

Charlotte Raes

Charlotte ‘s Web

Charlotte Bronte

Charlotte Sometimes (Rejoice, fans of The Smiths!)

Charlotte We’re Even Happier to Forget the Bobcats Era Than You Are

Remote Patrol

Eastern Conference Finals, Game 1

Indiana Pacers at Miami Heat

TNT 8:30 p.m.

Miami, fresh off its second six-or-more-day break of the 2013 postseason, meet Indiana, which actually took two of three from them this season. I’m fine with Marv Albert and Steve Kerr calling the game, but a live studio feed of Ernie, Kenny and Sir Charles Mystery Science Theater 3000′ing it would be awesome, as well.

Sunday in Indianapolis: Indy 500 in the afternoon, Game 3 of Heat-Pacers later that night.

As always, Mediumhappy accepts dough-nations. Send to sameriver@hotmail.com via PayPal or to P.O. Box 430, Planetarium Station, NY, NY, 10024. Or just send a good vibe. Thanks.

1. Force of Nature

If you’ve spent any time in Oklahoma –or ever covered the Oklahoma Sooners — you know that the college town of Norman is 20 miles due south of Oklahoma City. And the locals in either town will tell you that locally, at least, the alley most likely to be hit by tornadoes runs east-west between their two precincts. It is that precise. And guess where Moore, Okla., is? Exactly. Fifty-one dead (that number will grow), 20 of them children. This same town experienced an even worse tornado (EF-5) back in 1999 that claimed 48 lives.

The storm chasers will tell you that the funnel was one mile wide and that it was a category EF-4 tornado. (Enhanced Fujita Scale). That May is the peak month for tornadoes. The newscasters who flew there from NYC last night will plumb human-interest stories for the next day or two. The “H&H Beat”: Heartbreak and Heroes.

I’ll tell you that there is room in our minds for the stats and room in our hearts for the devastating loss suffered by so many. But take a moment and appreciate this magnificent spectacle of nature. You live on a planet where such things as tornadoes and tsunamis, hurricanes and volcanoes exist. It is a planet full of wonder. The raw force of Earth is humbling.

Robinson Cano’s 13 home runs lead the American League

2. The “Bargain-Basement Yankees?”
That’s what YES Network play-by-play man Michael Kay called them after last night’s come-from-behind victory in Baltimore. Travis Hafner hit a game-tying home run with one out in the ninth inning and then drove in an insurance run in a two-run tenth for the 6-4 win. Mariano Rivera picked up the save, his 17th in 17 chances. New York, minus five of its starting eight position players for almost the entire spring, is 28-16 (we will note here that two men who wore pinstripes last season batted cleanup for their new teams last night: Eric Chavez, who is batting .343, for the D-Backs and Nick Swisher for the Indians; both teams are in first place). The Yanks have baseball’s highest payroll and its third-best record but are only 10th in run differential (+27), which is a testament to the job that its bullpen, particularly Mo and set-up man David Robertson (the best set-up man they’ve had since Rivera himself) have done.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? (If by dinner you mean “late-night eggs”)

3. Ida Know

Kids, let “Mad Men” be a lesson to you. If you don’t know too much about your father’s past, but if he is white and devastatingly handsome, chances are slimmer than Ken Cosgrove that your grandmother is an African-American woman who times her home arrivals at the same time that the Grinch does. Give Grandma Ida credit, though. She had no idea when Don and/or Megan Draper would arrive home, but she still ambled into the kitchen to chef up some eggs for Sally. This woman has cojones. At the very least she should return and meet Roger Sterling for a drink.

4. “New York City’s Hottest Nightclub is…a Church?”

If you were wondering who those random characters attending Stefon’s wedding were on “Saturday Night Live”, well, they were not random at all. Every one of them was mentioned by Stefon during his 15 appearances on “Weekend Update” over the years (“HoboCops…homeless RoboCops”). It was sort of like the final episode of “Seinfeld”, when the entire gallery of recrurring characters returned — only this was funny. And, courtesy of PopWatch, a full directory of “New York City’s Hottest Clubs”, according to Stefon.

5. The Crossover Breaks Its Own Ankles

Jason McIntyre of “The Big Lead” reports that NBC Sports’ hip-cool-all-the-kids-will-watch-it-betwixt-games-of-cornhole show, “The Crossover”, is about to become 50% lighter. That’s because co-host Dave Briggs is out. The show is all Mama’s (i.e., Michelle Beadle’s) now.

Three summers ago, when Beadle first began blowing up, she made an appearance on “Letterman.” Dave asked her what she envisioned herself doing and Beadle replied, “I like your job.” (I can’t tell you if that’s what she said verbatim, but that was the gist of it). And Dave regarded her a little bit coolly. It was as if he was thinking to himself, I interview people more charming and witty than you at least once a week, sweetheart. They just don’t hand out these shows to trained monkeys.

In the salad days of “SportsNation”, I truly enjoyed Beadle and the banter with Colin Cowherd. She was the girl every guy wanted to have a beer or four with.

But something has changed. The more I’ve come to know Beadle as a TV personality, the less interested I’ve become. What do you talk about after you’ve exhausted “Anchorman” references and keg-stand anecdotes? She is always arch; she is always, if not sarcastic, then at least too cool for the event about which she is talking. It’s like reliving sophomore year of high school with each episode.

Michelle Beadle is the polar opposite of Jim Nantz. And no one wants a Jim Nantz clone, but Bizarro Jim Nantz is almost as bad. I’m finding that Michelle Beadle is the Oakland of sports hosts: there’s no “there” there. She’s really not funny enough to get away with poking holes in every sacred cow — at least Dennis Miller had genuinely interesting and occasionally brilliant insights — and you have to wonder why a woman in her mid- to late-thirties appears, at least on camera, to care only deeply about the very things that freshmen college boys do.

She’s smart. And she gets all the references. But until Beadle displays a genuine emotion on air (aloof is not an emotion) or demonstrates that she has a passion for something greater than Dodgeball or imbibing heavily during Triple Crown races, she’s just TV cotton candy: momentarily satisfying but providing little in the way of substance.

Reserves

Game of Thrones Recap

Odds and ends of Sunday’s episode.

DNP-Coach’s Decision: Kingslayer, Lady Brienne, Petyr Baelish (still accepting high-fives for his awesome monologue two episodes ago), Varys, Jon Snow, Robb Stark and his smokin’ health-care wife, Theon and his torturer, all three dragons.

1. So, Sansa Stark married a dwarf and Arya Stark is headed to a wedding with The Hound. If I were Ned Stark, I’d ask to be beheaded. If the latter Stark daughter ever does breed, will she create an Aryan race of offspring?

As soon as this is over, I’m registering on KingsLandingMingle.com

2. “The Second Sons have faced worse odds and won.” “The Second Sons have faced worse odds and run.” Good one, Jorah! Can I get a rimshot, please?

3. Don’t you love how every time we are reintroduced to Stannis Baratheon, he is standing in his war room, all alone, just staring at the board. It’s as if he’s playing the world’s longest, largest, most boring game of Risk and he still cannot decide if he should invade Madagascar. Thank God for the cougar-witch. She makes this sub-plot bearable. Also, I’m totally using the line “Come fight death with me” at some point.

“As soon as my work here is done, I will open a wind chime boutique in Studio City.”

4. Cersei Stark’s type can be found hanging out at wine bars all over Manhattan’s Upper East and West Sides. “I’ll have another Sauvignon Blanc, and nobody cares what your father once told you.”

“July in Sag Harbor, and then August in the Outer Hebrides. And you?”

5. I did the counting for you, but there were two uses of each four-letter c-word (men’s and women’s genitalia divisions) and two full-frontal nudity scenes.

6. Dario: “The Gods gave men two gifts to entertain ourselves before we die: The thrill of (        ) a woman who wants to be (       ) and the thrill of killing a man who wants to kill you.” Might I add, “Breaking Bad on Netflix?”

7. I hate to reference a family that I loathe even more than the Lannisters (although, I gotta admit, only Cersei and Joffrey bug at this point), but my advice to Sansa Stark comes from that cloying 2005 Christmas film, “The Family Stone”: “You have to let your freak flag fly.”

8. “No leeches were harmed in the making of this episode.” Wait, what’s that? “Three leeches were harmed –charred, in fact– in the making of this episode.”

9. “I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act. Not proud of it” — this episode was Tyrion Lannister’s (Peter Dinklage’s) clear-out-and-give-me-the-ball moment. His set piece. And of course he was smashing. Tyrion has been a forlorn and even whiny character all season long, but he finally had his moment to shine. He is the most noble of all the Lannisters, if not the most noble man in all of Westeros. When Sansa Stark said, “What if I never want to share my bed with you?” and Tyrion replied, “And so my watch begins”, I thought to myself, That’s Westeros’ slang for “We are ND!”

10. Did you also get a very Sir Wesley and Princess Buttercup vibe going on between Daario Naharis and Daenerys Targarian? Daario, by the way, is the very reincarnation of former San Diego Charger longsnapper David Binn. Also, and I don’t know if this was intentional, but did you notice that the term “philosophical difference(s)” was uttered in consecutive scenes, first by Daario and then in the following scene by Samwell Tarley? Was that intentional?

Okay, that’s all I got for now.

1. Oh Brothel, Where Art Thou?

“Every time we get a car, this place turns into a whorehouse.” And who would know better than Don Draper, the author of that line?… Ken Cosgrove is not only a gifted short story writer, but now we learn he has terpsichorean talent as well?…Another episode, another stolen office kiss for Peggy; that’s two this season… No Joan AND no Bob Benson? Presumably they were off in Farhampton together… Ah, to hear Sergio Mendes‘ “Goin’ Out of My Head” again for possibly the first time since my pre-school years. Fabulous tune… The return of Skinny and Blonde Betty! (paging Jason Sudeikis!)…. Sally is reading Rosemary’s Baby, the movie of which was released in June, 1968. It takes place mostly in an apartment on West 72nd St. and stars Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes and…The Devil!… Being reminded that SCDP is housed in the Time-Life Building, which is where I spent the first 15 years of my career Cosgroving… Bobby Draper: “Are we Negroes?”… After watching Ginsberg’s two feckless tosses, someone on Twitter noted that he has been named Purdue’s starting quarterback. I laughed… On the surface, this was “The Nutty Episode” of “Mad Men”, but let’s keep in mind that a few TV series based in this era had their own nutty episodes: “Star Trek” aired “The Trouble with Tribbles” epi in late December of 1967 while “Gilligan’s Island” did a musical version of “Hamlet”. Seriously. Here, look. And here’s the Skipper singing half as well as Russell Crowe in Les Miserables.

2. Hotspur and Heat-Spurs

Let’s begin with the latter. There is only ONE NBA Finals matchup for 2013 and it must be Miami-San Antonio. Why? Because in their two meetings this season these two franchises did not actually meet. What? On November 29 the Spurs visited Miami, but four of their starters –Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili and Danny Green — were sent back to San Antonio by coach Gregg Popovich (by the way, I just mentioned four future Hall of Famers). The game was nationally televised, and Pop was sticking it to David Stern for making his four-time champs meet the Heat in what was their fourth road games in five nights. He never informed the NBA or the Heat beforehand and the Spurs were fined $250,000. San Antonio still led by five with 4:48 remaining before losing. Flash forward to March 31. The Heat have just had their 27-game win streak broken four nights earlier in Chicago. Coach Erik Spoelstra sits both LeBron James and Dwyane Wade and when he is asked if this was gamesmanship, replies, “I can see how you guys might draw that conclusion…but, no.” Either way, two teams, five championships in the past 13 seasons, and their five Hall of Famers have not yet been on the court together this season. It’s an easy and compelling story angle for the Finals.

As for Tottenham Hotspurs, they failed and just barely to qualify for the Champions League (the top four teams in the Premier League qualify for Europe’s tournament of champions) in their final match of the season Sunday. And yet, in the 89th minute of a 0-0 match with Sunderland, 23 year-old Gareth Bale scored a curling goal to break the tie and provide soccer fans around the globe a harbinger of his budding genius. Kids, this isn’t just the next big star in soccer. This is someone who may just be the next iconic figure to transcend his sport.

Hail, hail, Gareth Bale.

3. “I’m nineteen years old. I think I’m doing a pretty good job.” Justin Bieber wins the inaugural Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. “I’m an artist and I should be taken seriously,” he says while wearing sunglasses indoors. There were more than a few boos to be heard during the speech. Who knew there were so many Anne Frank fans in the house? The two best moments of the evening? Kid Rock saluting those for “recording under pre-recorded music” and Prince, who is now in his fourth decade of blowing our minds, performing a mid-tempo version of “Let’s Go Crazy.” (Yo, Prince, don’t give Chris Brown any ideas).

Can five Billboard Top 200 singles be wrong? Yes.

4. Your vote for most bizarre nuptials of the weekend: Stefon-Anderson Cooper (broken up by Seth Meyers) or Tyrion Lannister-Sansa Stark? By the way, Cersei Stark is every girl I knew in high school. And here is the final sketch for Fred Armisen (as British rocker Ian Rubbish… oh, and that’s Aimee Mann, as lovely as ever), a cast member for 11 years and truly one of the quirkiest, funniest utility players ever to appear on SNL. His guitar strap reads “TY LM I(heart)U.” Thank You, Lorne Michaels, we guess. Bill Hader and Fred Armisen are departing (Seth Meyers is in his lame-duck phase), which means that it’s Taran Killam’s show now.

Ian Rubbish: NOT lip-synching.

5. Some dude (or dudette) from the Tampa suburb of Zephyrhills, Fla., won the $590.5 million Powerball lottery. Really, we’d be happy with the $.5 million. It’s the single largest jackpot in U.S. history and the winner, who has 60 days to claim his/her prize, can walk away with a lump sum of $376 million. Which reminds me, I haven’t heard from Tampa area resident and frequent commenter G.A. in a few days…

Okay, off to the steakateria. Hope to add more later….

Alright, I’ll ask: Is there such a thing as a literature purist when watching a movie based on a classic novel? Does everything have to be presented exactly as it was? It certainly felt like it during a recent screening of the latest “The Great Gatsby,” when two to three older gentlemen (or husky-voiced women?) guffawed at some of the line readings or alterations that writer-director Baz Luhrmann made to F. Scott’s Fitzgerald’s work. I’m surprised they were surprised. The head creative in this case treats his movies like the muppet Animal treats his drums – if those drums were also dripping with paint and all that drumming leads to a splashy, colorful, loud, um, something or other. If you weren’t all in for Luhrmann’s “Moulin Rouge,” then you won’t be for this one, and really, why are you even here if that’s the case?

To make this rich girl, penniless boy story fly in the 21st Century, Luhrmann needed three ingredients in his mixing bowl: 1)Unmistakable “that is a movie star” casting, 2)The parties had to look and feel and sound so ridiculous they live up to the reputation of our imaginations, and 3)An audience’s understanding that those born wealthy truly believe they are better than us, and despite it all we still cannot look away from them. “They are different from you and me,” to steal a line from another Fitzgerald story. Or how about this, from the immortal Barry Switzer: “Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”

Given his previous work history, I was certain Luhrmann had No. 2 covered. He did. Every dance is orchestrated with the proper amount of spastic motion, and every gaudy object and dress in frame is adjusted just so in the 3-D format. Amidst all that decadence the scene that impressed me the most was when Nick Carraway, the narrator played by Tobey Maguire, slipped away for a quieter moment in a library at Jay Gatsby’s mansion, and you could still hear the bass thump through the oak walls. A nice bit of authentic sound design in a movie that has no need for authenticity. This is, after all, not a re-telling of an actual Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan, but a version of them that exists in Carraway’s recollections. So if the music department decided to use a dollop of hip-hop in what is an 1920s story, more power to them. The score and pretty pictures attached are not supposed to be specifically memorable, they are supposed to be the cinematic equivalent of a three-drink buzz.

I don’t think I need a *good god watch out spoiler alert* here by saying every move Gatsby makes is to win back the high-born babe that got away. This is a man who pushed his way up out of the slime and got so close to Daisy he can see the green light of the dock of her mansion across the bay in fictional East Egg, Long Island. All of this exposition works the way a disco ball works when the rest of the lights shut off and the music washes over everyone. Then everyone sobers up in the final 30 minutes or so, the legend of Gatsby is debunked, and it’s a hard and wearying fall. I actually checked my iPhone for the time at that point when the angry posturing stretched a few scenes too many, and the fate of a mistress, Myrtle Wilson (Isla Fisher), played out in gaudy slow-motion. Perhaps I’m so tired of reading about the smugness and elitist beliefs of the wealthy in New York City that I can’t stand being reminded of them again on celluloid, in the form of the original trust-fund prick, Tom Buchanan (Joel Edgerton, a bull). Still, before the movie lost me entirely the crew of rich and richer check in at the Plaza Hotel, where backstories are revealed in relatively close quarters. The director smartly lets the whole ordeal play out without music, going against any glitzy instincts, and it’s the best sliver of the movie. “Mr. nobody from nowhere,” Buchanan hisses of his newfound rival.

While watching that face-off it occurred to me that Maguire, standing on the periphery after being the lead in Act 1, belongs in a different era of Hollywood. A time where wearing straw hats were the norm. The casting super-powers seem to agree with me, given his parts in period pieces “Seabiscuit, “The Cider House Rules,”  and even “Pleasantville” — a film where existing IN a period piece was exactly the point. Maguire rarely goes to dark places, (he’s usually too smitten with somebody) but I have a feeling if the actor were born earlier Hitchcock or Billy Wilder would have pulled sinister or cynicism out of him. Maybe he would have been the figure with a knife pulling back the shower curtain as a woman shrieks out in horror, or the screenwriter floating dead in a pool.  You saw a hint of it during all the ugliness at the Plaza and the aftermath, but really he is a proxy for the rest of us, with the party invitation in hand and a guest’s seat at a dinner.

DiCaprio, meanwhile, has a timeless quality. I noticed in the 2010 film “Shutter Island” that with his paunch and double chin this leading man finally looked like a grown man, not a Teflon boy heartthrob. In “Gatsby” there’s a moment right before he meets Daisy for tea at Carraway’s home, and he slips away into the rain unseen only to gather himself and return. When his curious host opens the door, DiCaprio is dripping wet and there is lightning in his eyes. He is terrified, embarrassed, filthy rich and determined to continue.  That’s a Gatsby for you. When said title character is revealed to us for the first time, the camera is so tight on DiCaprio’s polished face you can almost hear the director bellowing off-camera “THAT’S RIGHT. I GOT LEO! HA!” To drive that intro home further, Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue” rises up to meet him as fireworks pop off in the summer sky. Throw into this mix the pleading face of Carey Mulligan as Daisy, who will absolutely kill it with Steven Spielberg one day in some sort of extraordinary-circumstances adventure, and Luhrmann got the performers he wanted and more.

The movie overstays it’s welcome with a run time of two hours and 22 minutes, but don’t quibble with any inconsistencies of this “Gatsby” compared to the novel. Amidst all of Luhrmann’s busy sets and set pieces, the rich folk still behave boorishly out there on Long Island, and Carraway still finds it impossible, at least initially, not to be charmed by all that fast living. And so it goes for the rest of us, too. Perhaps the final lesson for Hollywood here is that harming DiCaprio in your picture means you’ll eventually be able to afford a Gatsby lifestyle. “The Departed” won Oscars. “Blood Diamond” banked $170 million, according to IMDB.com. “Romeo + Juliet?” Over $147 million. And of course Titanic made more cash than any other film in cinema history. And I didn’t even mention the DVD sales. The actor might want to master playing dead, if he hasn’t already.

1. End It Like Beckham

One of the world’s true athletic icons, David Beckham, announces that he will retire after his final two games with Paris-St. Germain. Beckham won league titles with Manchester United (where he also won the 1999 UEFA Champions League title), Real Madrid, the L.A. Galaxy and the aforementioned PSG. He also was referenced in not one but TWO Kiera Knightley films, “Bend It Like Beckham” and “Love, Actually.”

Man-Chest-Exposer United

“Really? Me? A cinema star? Do you think?”

2. The Big Hurt

Derrick Rose. Kobe Bryant. Russell Westbrook. David Lee. And, to a lesser degree, Stephen Curry, Dwyane Wade and even Ama’re Stoudemire. The theme of the 2013 NBA postseason has been injuries. The Lakers may not have been going anywhere, but obviously with Kobe they would have been a tougher out. The Thunder with Westbrook, and the Warriors with both a healthy Lee and Curry, well, I’d take those teams to have advanced to the Western Conference finals. Injuries are part of the game, but they have been an overwhelming part of it this spring.

OUkcH

3. “Do you think you’re the tallest gay person in the world?”

Jimmy Kimmel hosts Jarron and Jason Collins, and gives the former a T-shirt that reads “I’m The Straight One.” Bring on the Lopez twins!

4. “I’m Maddow as Hell, and I’m Not Going to Take it Any More!”

Jon Stewart has devoted the last three nights to attacking the Obama administration with the righteous indignation of a betrayed lover.

At least Stewart is not blindly waving his pom pons and yelling, “Gimme an ‘O’!”. All week long he has hammered President Obama and the administration. Meanwhile in the West Wing, Jay Carney sits in a fetal position while Eric Holder sings, “Where have you gone, Charles Ramsey, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you…”

5. Justin Smoked

March 29: Detroit Tiger ace Justin Verlander, 30, signs an extension with the club for seven years and $180 million. Your faithful scribe wonders aloud if that was money well spent by the Motor City Kitties.

May 16: Verlander allows eight earned runs in 2 2/3 innings at Texas in a 10-4 defeat. The 2011 American League MVP and Cy Young Award winner failed to go three innings for the first time in nearly three years. His record now stands at 4-4 and his ERA is at 3.17. It’s way too early to make a judgment on a seven-year contract, but in the past six weeks only Jaime Lannister (yet another reference to Kingslayer!) has seen his right arm go from devastating to feckless so swiftly.

 Reserves

Johnny Manziel Becomes Johnny Padres

The Heisman Trophy winner throws out the first pitch at Petco Park and in signature fashion, does so with pizzaz. The Texas A&M quarterback recreated his famous first-quarter TD pass in Tuscaloosa from last November. Oh, and for those of you under 60, Johnny Podres was a pitcher for the Brooklyn and Los Angeles Dodgers who was actually named Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year in 1955 after pitching a shutout in Game 7 of the World Series versus the Yankees to give da Bums their only championship in the 718.

Before there were the Padres, there was Podres.

Staying on the topic of SI, Ed Sherman of The Sherman Report does a Q&A with my former colleagues in the bullpen, SI’s current leadership duo of managing editor Chris Stone and Time Inc. Sports Group editor Paul Fichtenbaum. The piece begins with an anecdote that involves Stone and sneakiness (even if in this case it appears to have been accidental), which I found rather…rich.

Michael Jackson officially became the biggest star in the world tonight in 1983, when he performed “Billie Jean” on the television special commemorating 25 years of Motown. I was a senior in high school, heading down the home stretch to graduating, and this performance was all anyone talked about for three days. (Which is an eternity when you’re graduating in two weeks.) It just so happened to be Michael’s little sister Janet’s 17th birthday.

“I feel the need…. the need for SPEED!

“Top Gun” came out today in 1986 and it lit up movie screens all over the country. It took the kid from “All the Right Moves” and “Risky Business” and turned him into the biggest star in the world. The only problem with the movie is that everyone wondered why the cute girl (Meg Ryan) wasn’t playing the lead opposite Cruise.

Rookie Magic Johnson played center for the injured Kareem Abdul Jabbar and led the Los Angeles Lakers to a 123-107 win over the Philadelphia 76ers and wrap up the NBA Championship. Magic had 42 points, 15 rebounds, 7 assists and a block.

Today in 2000, Prince changed his name back to Prince, after being named, “the artist formerly known as Prince” via a symbol for seven years. Only Prince could pull that shit off and not have everyone turn on him.

– Bill Hubbell

1. One Scandal at a Time, Please

Benghazi. The IRS. The Associated Press. Oh, for those halcyon days when Kim Jong-Un was threatening to launch a nuke or POTUS was found to be shooting 2 for 22 from the field. Or was that J.R. Smith?

Zach Randolph, the patron saint of baby fat, had game-highs of 28 points and 14 boards.

2. Thunder Out. Tornadoes In.

The Oklahoma City Thunder, the darlings of last year’s NBA postseason, are eliminated in five games by the Memphis Grizzlies in Round 2. OKC trailed by two entering the fourth quarter at home, but the Grizz opened the quarter on a 16-6 run, fueled by the softest mid-range touch in the postseason, that belonging to center Marc Gasol. OKC had a chance to tie it in the final seconds, but Kevin Durant clanged an 18-footer. Meanwhile in north Texas, eight tornadoes rip through the countryside, leaving six people dead.

3. Mark Seal explores the Oscar Pistorius-Reeva Steenkamp murder case in Vanity Fair.

4. “At first they were reluctant to accept the clothing. Perhaps they did not want to be associated with narcissistic date-rapers.” One man’s campaign against Abercrombie & Fitch being the James Spader of clothing lines, and it’s a good one.

“Abs-ercrombie & Fitch. ABS-ercrombie! Get it?

5. BottleRock 2013. Here’s a review. The T-shirt I would’ve printed? “BottleRock 2013: Bin There, Done That.”

The first McDonald’s opened today in 1940 in San Bernardino, CA. Two brothers, named McDonald, and their original mascot was a man wearing a chef’s hat named “Speedee”. Ray Kroc entered the fray in 1955, and Ronald McDonald came to be in 1967. Double quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and a chocolate shake. I’ll start getting in shape tomorrow.

The last great MGM musical was released today in 1958. “Gigi” starred Leslie Caron and Louis Jourdan and won nine Academy Awards including Best Picture and Best Director. The rom-com borrowed heavily from “My Fair Lady,” but holds its own in portryaing love winning out over cynicism.

Love over cynicism wasn’t exactly what Motley Crue was going for when they released “Girls, Girls, Girls” today in 1987.  Or maybe it was and I just missed the point of: “Friday night and I need a fight…my motorcycle and a switchblade knife…handful of grease in my hair feels right…but what I need to make me tight are…Girls, Girls, Girls”

“Ishtar” was released on the very same day as “Girls, Girls, Girls” and despite everything you’ve ever heard, it’s pretty damn funny for the first 45 minutes.

Happy 60th birthday to George Brett, the only player to ever hit .300 in three different decades. He still looks like he could do it. Happy 57th to Dan Patrick.

– Bill Hubbell

1. Alive…But Bearly

A sentence I never foresaw typing: Jaime Lannister has had a better week sparring Grizzlies than Kevin Durant has. Although, as one smart follower on Twitter, @korykeys, noted, “Yeah, but at least Jaime Lannister had help.” The Oklahoma City Thunder, who advanced to the NBA Finals last year with a core trio of Durant, Russell Westbrook and Uber-Sub James Harden, trail the Memphis Grizzlies 3-1 in their second-round series after Monday’s overtime loss. Westbrook is out with a meniscus tear and Harden was foolishly traded (NBA wonks will never convince me this was the right move for either party). Not-OKC now must take three straight from the Grizz, while Durant wonders if he is going to have to take more than 33% of his team’s shots again, as he did in Monday’s OT loss.

“Give me your…um…stump.”

Meanwhile, Kingslayer –who is not to be confused with David Stern, the potential Sacramento Kingslayer — is headed home to King’s Landing. “Hi, Sis. This is my friend, Lady Brienne.” A week of odd couples over in Westeros: Arya and the Hound; Theon and the Quelle Dommage a Trois; Tyrion and Sansa….Oh, and did you notice that immediately after Joffrey whined about having to ascend all of those stairs to attend council meetings in the Tower of the Hand that his gramps climbed the five or six stairs to speak to him at eye level? Tywin Lannister, you salty old cuss. Love your style.

Kendrick Perkins (L) takes on Marc Gasol

2. The Great Gatsby

Here’s Peter Travers’ lede in Rolling Stone for his review of the latest remake of this literary classic: “Shush. Listen. That’s F. Scott Fitzgerald turning in his grave.” Travers goes on to write of the sixth attempt to give this film the cinematic complement it would appear to deserve, ”That’s blind ambition being gutted by flawed execution.” We”ll wait for Chris Corbellini’s review, but to quote Travers’ closing line, “There may be worse movies this summer than The Great Gatsby, but there won’t be a more crushing disappointment.”

This is what happens when you marry Jay G. with Jay-Z

3. By the way, this is the cover of the latest issue of AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) Magazine:

And this is the cover of the latest issue of Rolling Stone:

Anything seem askew?

4. Remember a month or so ago when we said that the best person to replace Jay Leno would be someone named Seth? Well, we were close. The best anchor in the history of “Weekend Update”, Seth Meyers, will inherit Jimmy Fallon’s 12:35 a.m. slot at some point in 2014. We still feel that Seth has more appeal than Jimmy Fallon for the 11:30 p.m. slot and we’ll still be here when the suits at NBC come to realize this in 18 to 24 months. Fallon’s appeal goes directly to the beer pong demo but is not as broad. Meyers is more classically handsome and far less goofy. Fallon is likeable, but Meyers has the potential for just-below-Johnny Carson-level charm. For us it’s a no-brainer…Then again, what do we know? We’re the ones who told you six weeks ago that Matt Harvey was the best young pitcher in baseball. And whatever happened to him? (You also told us the Yankees would be six games under .500 at the end of April, and here they are with the best record, 25-14, in the American League. So…HA!)

Meyers: We forgive him for “New Year’s Eve” because he was behind the SNL spoof, “The Apocalypse.”

Also worth noting: Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen are all likely gone after this weekend’s season finale. Good for all of them for knowing when to leave, but gird yourselves for a slew of “SNL sucks” tweets and blogs next autumn.

Consider me a Hader lover.

5. Conference calls on quarterly earnings are usually about as entertaining as Houston Astros doubleheaders. But the other day a private investor, Craig Kaufman, got on the line with Prospect Capital Corporation and went half “Triple Rainbow” and half “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” on the company’s executives. Kaufman, a shareholder(35,000 shares) since 2007, informs the CEO and others that his “mind is going a gazillion miles an hour” (it’s on Pg. 4 of this transcript) and that “I could work for you guys.” Kaufman, who refers to himself as “a feisty guy”, doesn’t really have a question so much as he has a philippic condemning Jim Cramer and anyone who would imperil PCC’s share price. It’s hilarious. Kaufman literally speaks uninterrupted for nearly nine minutes. When he at last pauses to inhale, CEO John Barry calls it his “favorite question of all time.”

The company executives tell Kaufman that they’d like to stay in touch with him after the conference call and implore him to give them his phone number. Kaufman: “Is this like going out where everybody is going to hear?” Barry: “Give me your number. Go on. They’re not going to call you.”

Reserves

The Spurs win and the Knicks lose. David Stern is FREAKING OUT at the prospect of his final four teams being San Antonio, Memphis, Indiana and Miami. That’s three Central Time Zone teams. If the Bulls pull off the most miraculous comeback of all time, Stern may just go ahead and move up the NBA Draft by two weeks.

Call me crazy, but I think Wiggins’ form on his jumper could use a little help.

The nation’s top overall hoops recruit (even if he happens to be from another nation directly north of us), six-foot-seven forward Andrew Wiggins of Toronto, signs a national letter of intent with Kansas. College hoops junkies have already filled out the final two spots of their 2014 March Madness brackets with Kentucky and Kansas. Which would be the third time that Bill Self and John Calipari met in the title game in the past seven seasons. The USA Today shows it has a sense of humor by running a sidebar titled, “Will Wiggins Be the Best Kansas Player Ever?” Well, if he goes for 52 points in his first varsity contest as Wilt Chamberlain did for the Jayhawks, then let’s discuss the issue.

Ted Mosby and….Rihanna? Sure, I can see it.

They revealed the future Mrs. Ted Mosby on “How I Melt Your Mother?” Really? And I missed it? I’m not buying it: If you’ve watched the series throughout, you know that Ted’s true soulmate is Barney and in the year 2030 or whenever the forward part of the show actually takes place, no one will bat an eye at a Ted-and-Barney marriage. Especially since NPH is already OotC. I’m off to Farhampton to mull on this development.

***

Google (GOOG) stock eclipses $900. It’s been hiding in plain sight for nearly a decade now. The stock went public on August 19, 2004 with an IPO of $85 per share, so yes, it is up more than 1,000% since then.

***

Can we give a nod to the term “groovy”? On “Mad Men” everyone’s favorite ethical corporate exec (oxymoron, I know), Ted Chaough, utters “groovy” in the initial post-merger meeting. The term draws a bemused look from Don Draper (Jon Hamm is a better actor when he’s reacting to lines than when he is delivering them). The episode ends to the strains of “Reach Out of the Darkness”, whose infectious opening line is “I think it’s so groovy now/That people are finally getting together.” Matt Weiner’s love of irony — as Don and Zou Bisou Bisou sit apart from one another on the bed, the assassination of RFK playing in the background– knows no bounds.

“Groovy, Ted? Groovy? That is ‘far out!’”

The origin of the term? Apparently it comes from the jazz culture of the 1920s, although the colloquialism first found its way into Sixties music in 1964 with the tune “A Groovy Kind of Love.” Phil Collins remade the song in the 1980s, though nobody knows why.

Remote Patrol

Memphis Grizzlies at Oklahoma City Thunder

TNT 9:30 p.m.

“Oh, Thunder Woes, Thunder Woes/Lying out there like a killer in the sun/Hey, I know it’s late, girl, we can make it if we run…” There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys (Harden and Green, for starters) you sent away. KD plays like a Boss, but who else can score. Z-Bo, Gasol and Mike Conley could end Oklahoma City’s season tonight — though we like the Thunder’s chances at home.

To quote The Dandy Warhols: “A long time ago, we used to be friends.”

1. “The Justice Department” is an Oxymoron

Watching Jon Stewart finally accept that Barack Obama’s White House is no cleaner than George Bush’s was, well, revelatory. It began with an examination of how the IRS specifically targeted right wing political groups:

“(The IRS) used names like Tea Party or Patriots, and they selected cases simply because the application had those names in the title. That was wrong. The IRS would like to apologize for that.”

–Lois Lerner, IRS Director of IRS Exemptioons

Jon Stewart: “Oh, okay, that’s–WAIT A MINUTE! I didn’t realize apologies were sufficient in IRS-related issues… and as long as we’re talking about this, on my tax return I put down that I had a farm. Actually, I had a salad. Soooooo…..sorry.”

And then, after Lerner states in a conference call that about “a quarter” of the political organizations that were targeted by the IRS had “patriot” or “tea party” in their names, Tom Costello of NBC News goes for clarification. “That would be a quarter of the 300 then, so we are talking 75 or so?”

Lerner: “That is correct. Is that a quarter? Thank you. I’m not good at math.”

Good one, Miss IRS Staffer!

Stewart: “This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the tin foil-behatted to the government.”

Stewart to Obama: “In a few short weeks, you’ve managed to show that when the government wants to do good things, your managerial competence falls somewhere between David Brent (I love that Stewart went with Original Recipe “The Office” here, and not American-Style) and a cat chasing a laser pointer, but when government wants to flex its more malevolent muscles, you’re (bleeping) Ironman!”

Stewart: “I’m sorry, I’m overreacting…our form of government is bigger than these issues. This storm will pass–really? Right now?”

Cut to Wolf Blitzer: “We’re just getting this into the Situation Room…calling it a quote ‘massive and unprecedented intrusion,’ the Associated Press now saying the Justice Department secretly obtained two months of phone records of its reporters and editors…”

Stewart: “(Obscenity)”.

2. LOOK! It’s hockey!

Boston now has its own “Miracle on Ice”, exactly three Mondays after the marathon tragedy.

We don’t spend enough time here discussing the NHL, because frankly when I think of icing my first thought is, “Mmmm, cake.” But last night’s Game 7 between the Toronto Maple Leafs and Boston Bruins, two of the Original Six (the NHL’s answer to “First of Men”), was a classic. The Maple Leafs led 4-1 in Boston with less than 15 minutes to play in the third period. Then the Bruins embarked on an epic comeback, scoring three goals to tie it and force overtime, after which it just seemed inexorable that they would win. The Bruins became the first team in NHL history to erase a three-goal deficit in a Game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

As always, when a Canadian club loses to the Bruins in the postseason, there is a massive display of fandom out of doors.

2011: Vancouver loses to Boston in Game 7, inciting a spontaneous blacktop makeout session.

3. Remember last week when I mentioned that the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and the Met Gala were the first two legs of the East Coast’s Triple Crown of spring soirees, but that I could not conjure the third? Well, a friend reminded me this morning of what it is: The Robin Hood Foundation Gala. Last night’s event, emceed by Brian Williams and held at the Jacob Javitz Center in New York City raised upwards of $80 million (you heard me) from some of the fattest Tabbies and American Shorthairs on Wall Street. Entertainers included Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, Paul Simon and Sting who, fittingly, performed “Fields of Gold.”

Lloyd Blankfein: The Ariel Castro of the financial sector.

Of course, it’s easier to be philanthropic when, after your business goes into the toilet due to your own mismanagement and skulduggery, the government writes you a check for $18 billion with no strings attached. But, hey, that’s just me…

4. Seriously, this Justice Department vs. AP story is going to make Benghazi look like a pimple on an offensive lineman’s back. Journalism careers will be made off this (see Messrs. Woodward and Bernstein) and political careers will go down in flames. It’s only just begun. As our favorite colonel once informed our favorite JAG cross-examiner, “You just (bleeped) with the wrong Marine!” You know who you don’t target if you are the government and are looking to avoid bad press? THE ASSOCIATED PRESS!

The Department of Justice: Edifice Wrecks.

The only reason I can think that Stewart used it as a kicker last night is because his staff understands how monstrous a story it is about to be and that there was no way to tackle it with just an hour or so notice before going on air. In the words of our favorite political backstabber, Petyr Baelish, “Early days, my friend.”

5. Memphis outlasts Oklahoma City in overtime to take a 3-1 lead. Meanwhile, “Inside the NBA” devotes most of its postgame show to mocking the manner in which Charles Barkley duck walks to use the men’s room in between segments. Earlier in the evening, they showed a photo of the capri pants Dwyane Wade wore to the United Center for Game 4 and someone (Kenny Smith?) warbled off-camera, “Karma karma karma karma karma cham-eee-leeeon…” “Inside the NBA” has the on-set chemistry that every other sports studio show lusts after. It’s alchemy. You cannot just make it happen, Jamie Horowitz, no matter how hard you try.