IT’S ALL HAPPENING: THE “If Your Election Lasts More Than Four Hours, Consult a Physician” Edition

Starting Five

Our other idea for the headline above was “Suffrage Succotash.” You decide.

1. “We the people…” Today we choose Barack Obama, the defending champion, or Mitt Romney, the challenger (Floyd Mayweather still refuses to step into the ring). Tomorrow, can we begin to have a SERIOUS discussion about camPAIN reform?

2. By the way –old-timer flashback alert!!! — back when I was at Sports Illustrated there was a very controversial presidential election. I believe the year was 2000. So a few smart minds along editor’s row, in synchronicity with the Florida election kerfuffle and mindful of the numerous intra-state rivalries that had taken place in college football that weekend (at least two, Florida-Florida State and Oregon-Oregon State, involving teams ranked in the top ten) opted to do an election-themed cover. Great idea. Except that they made the covers regional (always a bad idea). And also except for the fact that Oregon State gift-wrapped them a dream cover (seen below) that no editor properly exploited. After all, what is THIS????? I’d like to give my former bosses credit for subtlety, but I doubt that happened. I think this was just serendipitous. You be the judge. Most subscribers, by the way, never saw this cover and if you visit SI Vault you’ll only come across the Travis Minor (Florida State) version.

Yes, that IS a hanging Chad…

3. The New York Knicks are 3-0 (eat that, Jay-Z). Hey, remember that scene in “Office Space” in which one of The Bobs says, “It looks like you’ve been missing quite a bit of work lately” and Peter Gibbons replies, “Well, I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.” (1:06 mark). Does “work” equals Amar’e Stoudemire and Peter Gibbons equal Carmelo Anthony & the crew? Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!

“That Carmelo, he’s a real straight shooter. He’s got upper-management potential.”

4. Spirits in the night: On the eve of the election, POTUS hits the campaign trail with The Boss. If you’re scoring at home, Bruce Springsteen has gone from “Does This Bus Stop at 82nd Street?” to jetting around in Air Force One. Land of hope and dreams? We’ll say yes. (By the way, Jay-Z was also with them in Iowa)

5. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Eagles fall to the New Orleans Saints on MNF. Long-time bird watcher Ashley McGeachy Fox opines that this was the final nail in Andy Reid’s coffin (and THIS may have been the coup de grace for Michael Vick). We enjoy that our former colleague writes “The Eagles return home to an environment in Philadelphia that will be toxic” as if that were deviating from the norm.


Jenny McCarthy turned 40 last week and the New York Post commented that she “still looks good.”

Exhuming McCarthy: she’s not dead yet, in fact, she’s still socially presentable.

“It takes a while to catch a crocodile…” (isn’t that how the jingle went?). This Gaza Zoo escapee had been on the lam (and eating goats) for 18 months. Ben Affleck will soon be making a film about him.

Belatedly, congratulations to the Charlotte Bobcats for winning their season opener against the Pacers last Friday night, halting their losing streak at 23 games. 23… Hmm, why does that number resonate?

Things in Minnesota that are white during the winter: 1. Minnesota and 2. the Timberwolves, 66% of whose roster is pure as the driven snow (or Spanish). Anyway, some local civil rights leader smell a conspiracy.

Entertainment Weekly’s list of “20 Political Movies We Endorse.” The classic that you must see is “The Manchurian Candidate.” (the 1962 original, with Frank Sinatra).

The question with BCS No. 9 Louisville, which is a hush-hush 9-0, is two-fold: 1) How high might Teddy Bridgewater and the Cardinals rise and 2) Does it matter? The answer to the former is possibly as high as 7th, as both No. 6 Florida (which still has a date at No. 10 Florida State) and No. 8 South Carolina, which will visit No. 13 Clemson without Marcus Lattimore may still have a loss in them. The answer to the latter is, No. The Cardinals are having a sweet season under Charlie Strong, but they’ll not play a ranked team until their finale against Rutgers, who may not even be ranked by then. They are 35th in Scoring Defense and 36th in Scoring Offense, indicative of a team that is better than average but not exactly special. It’ll be another underwhelming Orange Bowl come January, as the Cards will appear there if they win the Big East.

Teddy Bridgewater

Sports Illustrated has Indiana atop its preseason Top 25… Has Bob Knight ever returned to Bloomington to call a game?

Remember Notre Dame forward Tim Abromaitis Touch, who was denied a 6th year at Notre Dame? Currently playing in France.

After Washington State was routed 49-6 at Utah last Saturday for its sixth consecutive loss, Cougar coach Mike Leach said of his players’ efforts, “That could have been a zombie convention.” Ironically enough, ZomBcon 2012, which was scheduled to take place across the state in Seattle during Halloween, had earlier been canceled.

So apparently there is a pretty face named Krystal Ball who does not earn her living one dollar at a time. Rather, she is a certified public accountant who has a new show on MSNBC called “The Cycle” with fellow 30isher S.E. Cupp, who did not write “The Outsiders” in case you were wondering. And as for what “The Cycle” refers to, don’t ask us, we don’t want to cramp anyone’s style. We’re not geniuses, of course, and what do we know about television, but how about calling the show “Ball and Cupp?”

You are gazing at, but not into, Krystal Ball

S.E. Cupp: Once doffed her glasses and won a Krystal Ball-lookalike contest

And finally, Pete Thamel of Sports Illustrated asks a bunch of coaches, Who is to blame for USC’s 6-3 season thus far, including Trojan coach Lane Kiffin. All of them, Kiffin included, blame Lane. For what it’s worth, arguably the greatest coach in USC history is Howard Jones, a namesake of future New Wave pop star Howard Jones, who’s best song in our opinion is “No One Is To Blame.”

Howard Jones and…

… Howard Jones. The ’80s are to blame for that ‘do.



One thought on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING: THE “If Your Election Lasts More Than Four Hours, Consult a Physician” Edition

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *