by John Walters
Boys And Their Toys
When I was a wee lad on the mean streets of Middletown, N.J., my friends and I would make damns beneath the curb on the street after a rain or some adult had wished his car. We didn’t do it to stop the water. We did it for the visceral thrill of what it would look like when, after we let all that water build up, we destroyed the dam.
Welcome to the geopolitical world of Donald Trump and The Worst Wing. Did the GBU-43/B, the MOAB (“Massive Ordnance Air Blast, a.k.a. Mother Of All Bombs), the largest non-nuclear bomb there is at 21,600 pounds, accomplish anything when it was dropped over Afghanistan?
Or was it simply a weapon of mass distraction? Was it a way to remind North Korea and/or China that MAGA has MOABs? Was it done to curb the nascent discussion about voting machines in Florida and other states possibly being tampered with? Was it because Trump had just been eating “the most beautiful chocolate cake?” Or was it because our very own septuagenarian King Joffrey has access to all these toys, and having never paid any dues or had to be accountable to anyone except dad, he has no appreciation of the consequences to his actions?
Whatever. ISIS is barely in Afghanistan. And do they really need to use tunnels when they blend in so easily with the population, anyway? This “operation” will come undone soon, too.
Finally, and I was thinking about this a lot yesterday: Trump and many males only know how to exist, or feel comfortable, in an environment of “Dominate Or Be Dominated.” Myself and many females (and a few other sane males, for example, the dude whose death we are commemorating today) try to exist in an environment of harmony with our fellow man. The latter isn’t ALWAYS possible (“Sieg Heil!”) but most of the time it is. But The Worst Wing wouldn’t understand that, which is why trust fund brats such as Donald Jr. and Eric go out and murder wild animals. What a terrible family, first or not.
2. Canada, Try
After all eight opening round Game 1 matches in the Stanley Cup playoffs, my Canadian teams are….0-5. Boston beat Ottawa 2-1, the Rangers beat the Canadiens 2-0, and the Sharks beat Edmonton in overtime 3-2 on Wednesday. Last night Anaheim beat Calgary 3-2 and in the showcase series of the first round, Washington beat Toronto 3-2 in overtime.
Don’t do this to me, Canada.
3. The Bridges of Ingham County
Michigan State finished 20-15 this season, bowing out to Kansas in the second round of the NCAAs. The Spartans’ top player was 6’7″ freshman guard Miles Bridges, who averaged 16.9 points and 8.7 rebounds per game and is considered by many to be an NBA lottery pick. Not a Top 5 pick, mind you, but a lottery pick.
On Thursday Bridges made the apparently controversial decision to return to East Lansing for his sophomore year, detonating a Sportswriter Twitter explosion. On PTI Pablo Torre told Tony Kornheiser, “I loved college, but I love money more. He HAS to go!”
Why? Is there something blasphemous or imbecilic about valuing experiences more than cash? Think of the people you know: Would you rather know someone who was true to his values and lived that way or someone whose only guiding factor was money? And if you’re struggling with that one, allow me to introduce you to a few hedge funders I’ve encountered who are drinking and drugging and whoring their way through their miserable existences.
Miles Bridges did not make the right decision because he chose college over cash. He made the right decision because he listened to himself and not to others. He’s learning to be a man, and he’s on the right track. Maybe, just maybe, that Tom Izzo guy is rubbing off on him a little bit.
4. No Way, Jose Worshippers
Former Miami Marlin Jose Fernandez was an outstanding Major League pitcher for fewer than four seasons who won a total of 38 games in his career. He’s also a guy who was high and/or drunk last September when he crashed his boat into a jetty, killing himself and two other passengers. His former team, the Miami Marlins, is planning on erecting a nine-foot statue of him outside their ballpark, which is a horrendous idea.
If the crash were purely an “accident,” then maybe every state would not have laws punishing people who operate vehicles while impaired. Here’s the pro-Jose argument: “He wasn’t a bad buy just because of that crash.” And here’s the rebuttal: “He wasn’t a good guy just because he was a terrific pitcher.” We are all just the sum of our acts on this giant rock. Fernandez soared to higher heights than most people in his short time, but he also sunk to lower depths, his irresponsibility claiming the lives of two others.
This isn’t Roberto Clemente dying in a plane crash while delivering supplies to earthquake victims. This is a dude out on a 2 a.m. joyride on his boat who got three people killed and left the mother of his child to raise the kid without him. Not exactly statue-worthy.
5. The Hell’s Wrong With Cops?
I get it: it’s a tense job. My dad was in law enforcement. But, I mean, c’mon, the above video was because a dude in Sacramento was jaywalking. Jaywalking! The cop told him to get down on the ground and the man didn’t comply. Then again, when is the last time a cop ordered you to get on the ground for jaywalking? (I once did get a ticket for jaywalking in Tempe, Ariz.; no one made me lay on the ground, though).
And here below, there’s a possibility the dude in cuffs didn’t exactly say, “Thank you, officer” but kicking him in the head when he’s already cuffed and lying face down on the pavement? At a busy intersection?
The hell’s wrong with you guys?
There’s No Home For You Here
There’s so much meat on the bone of so many White Stripes songs. This is one from Elephant that didn’t get much radio play, nor is it played every fall Saturday afternoon at college football stadiums, but it makes me want to get an electric guitar, then get a garage, and then form a band. I had the good fortune of seeing Jack and Meg White on The Elephant tour in 2003 or ’04. Unforgettable. How did just two people rock out like this?
Yes, this isn’t them doing the video. It’s some nice people lip-synching.
Sharks at Oilers, Game 2
10 p.m. NBC Sports Net
If you have yet to see Edmonton’s 2nd-year stud
Ian Connor McDavid, who led the NHL in points this season, here’s your chance.