by John Walters

Starting Five

You’re FBI-red!*

*The judges will also accept, “To Russia With Love” and “Without Rhyme or Treason”

President Donald Trump fires FBI Director James Comey, and let’s face it, he did it to STOP the investigation into Russia. After firing Comey, the White House announced late Tuesday night that Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov would be visiting the Oval Office on Wednesday morning (“High five!”).

2. Anderson’s Eye Roll

Look who’s back! It’s Kellyanne Conway (I guess The Worst Wing did watch SNL last weekend). She threw shade at CNN’s Anderson Cooper by reminding everyone that she was right about Michigan and Pennsylvania, and that sent A.C.’s eyes 360.


CCN, Gov?

3. Ginobiliiiiiiiii!!!!!!

This may be the definitive photo of Manu Ginobili’s career, because a photo of a Eurostep is not quite as exquisite. The Spurs overcame the Rockets in OT last night, 110-107, when Ginobili was able to stuff James Harden’s potential game-tying trey from behind. I hope someone is painting a rendition of this moment atop a ceiling somewhere.

4. That 2:00.25 Marathon? It Was Actually Faster

This is the photo that Nike’s PR firm, Weber Shandwick, sent out after Eliud Kipchoge’s attempt to become the first human to break the landmark 2-hour marathon mark last weekend at a Nike-controlled event.

Only one problem, as the good folks at Let’s discovered: Kipchoge’s time was actually 2/100ths of a second faster. Apparently, the Weber Shandwick folk wanted a rounder number that was easier to market, so they photoshopped the pic. I mean…when you manipulate the finishing time of a stated world-record attempt, even when you mark it in the opposite direction, that is….deplorable.

5. Send Your Hate Tweets To Outside Magazine

Yes, I’m not sorry at all about my health tweet last Friday. Here’s Outside this morning noting five things that happen to you when you stop working out (I’m not a physician, I was only accepted to medical school, probably because some relative got me in, but none of these five things seem beneficial for your health).


MH’s 2017 designated stock pick, Nvidia (NVDA), had been dead in the water all year…until last night. A post-bell earnings report has lifted the Silicon Valley company’s stock more than 12% this morning. Onward and upward!

Music 101

Birdhouse In Your Soul

If liberal arts majors from private upstate New York and New England colleges bought more records, this 1989 tune from Brooklyn-based They Might Be Giants might have soared to No. 1. TMBG may have been Brooklyn’s original hipsters.

Remote Patrol

Game 7: Penguins at Capitals

7:30 p.m. NBC Sports Net

Will the Caps advance to the conference finals, for the first time in the Ovechkin era, to face Ottawa? Or is it another big letdown in D.C.? For football fans, Atletico Madrid hosts Real Madrid in the second leg of the UEFA Champions League semifinal (AM begins the day down 3 goals to 0) at 2:30 p.m. on FS1

11 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. I am so enraged & disgusted that The SOCIOPATH is still OCCUPYING the White House that I just can’t discuss this latest atrocity. Nope, I’d far rather mention the latest alleged atrocity committed by United Airlines : the mysterious death of a giant rabbit on one of its international flights. 1st of all, did you even know giant rabbits existed outside the mind of Elwood P. Dowd?! He was HOOGE! A freakin BIG BUNNY! Adorable too. I wonder if you can train those big bunnies to use a litter box? Take them for walks? HOW did I not know of these creatures?! Anyhoo, RIP Simon & say ‘hi’ to Jane for me.

  2. And WHOO-HOO for both of us on NVDA! Up about 15% today! I was worried you’d already sold since it hasn’t exactly been sharing in the market upswing this year. TILL NOW! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  3. Thought experiment: If you eliminated (as in these things no longer exist) cigarettes and soda, what would happen?

      • Considering the infinite amount of variables involved, that seems fairly efficient. And do people know nutrigenomics is a subject area studied?

    • Jacob- someone would invent soda and cigarettes. : )

      I jest, because that is my way. And I say this as someone who does not drink soda or smoke cigarettes, despite whatever story Mr. Walters may have told everyone about me taking a drag off a stranger’s smoke on the storied streets of NYC (it was my first trip there! I was trying to fit in!), and getting so immediately dizzy, I went ass over teakettle into a sandwich board. No bones were broken, and fun was had by all. ANYWAY, yes, wouldn’t it be loverly if we could convince people to reject those items from their daily life? Through education, and of course, public shaming? (Actually that doesn’t work- see above. If anyone should’ve felt ashamed, it was me, and I did not. I mean look at all the mileage I’ve gotten out of that story…) And wouldn’t it be lovelier if we tried real hard as a nation, to do away with food deserts and make good food truly accessible to all (a pound of grapes is seven dollars. A box of chicken nuggets is a buck. The government pays farmers not to grow corn. I don’t get it!!!)* and stopped getting into bed with giant corporations who systematically poison and addict our young people to garbage food? Hmmm…didn’t Michelle Obama try to do something about it…well, obviously it must’ve been a terrible idea because she came up with it and now the new admin is trying to do away with it. Fries are coming back to school lunches! YaaaaaaYYYYYY! I certainly ate fries every day for lunch when I was a kid…oh…no. I guess it was more like once or twice a year, but I was lucky, I had a nice cushy home life and a mom who screamed at me to eat my veggies. The kids who aren’t lucky enough to have a cushy home life, and rely on a school lunch as their only source of nutrition each day don’t deserve to be force fed vegetables, too! For God’s sake, could we please fill them up with yummy shit so they crave more of the same and then face all the wonderful benefits a terrible diet provides? WE PUT A MAN ON THE MOON (depending on if you believe that story- I actually don’t.)

      We can do better than this. That moon story might be total fiction, but Netflix is real, and if we can watch an entire season of Better Call Saul in two days, we ought to be able to get an apple into Johnny and Jane’s hands, so that on the whole, people would have a better shot at better health, which would be a win for everyone.

      * smart person who knows about economics makes comment blowing holes in my entire rant, I slink away, finally feeling the stupidity and shame I never felt when I got ciggy-stoned that night in NYC, and vow never to comment again, about anything, unless it’s Hamilton, or something else I have a strong opinion about based on a post I saw on Facebook.

      • Katie!

        You leave, fail to say good bye and then deliver this on a dime? We will have to save the SOS for later…

        School lunches are the worst. I was the lame kid that brought my own lunch to school while in high school. It is safe to say no one traded their cookie for my banana.

        On a slightly more serious note, I believe good habits start at an early age. It hurts to see kids live a mediocre life because their parents are ill-prepared to properly nurture them. Michelle Obama got hammered for her eating healthy stance. But, you know, look who holds the office of the United States of America.

        Visit more often. Susie B. will be unhinged come June.

  4. Hey jdubs, since you work out regularly – is that YOUR pic (on the left) above? A ‘resemblance’ then? And HOW is it that you’re not married? 🙂

  5. Katie,

    You wanna tackle Susie B’s question? The latter one, I mean. And you can’t use the term “no redeemable personality traits.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *