by John Walters

Starting Five

I Knew You Were Trouble

North Korea? Russian meddling in the election with The Worst Wing’s collusion? The Bachelorette was boring? Who cares about about any of that? Taylor Swift was allegedly groped and she just can’t shake it off, so the case has gone to trial.

In 2013 David Mueller (now 55), a DJ in Denver, allegedly grabbed T-Swizzle’s bum under the skirt (some people think of it as a “meat-and-greet,” apparently). Oh, that’s Mueller’s girlfriend on the left. Anyway, T-Swizzle told her mom, “A guy just grabbed my ass at the meet-and-greet.”

Watch the hands, girls.

Swift’s security team informed Mueller he’d no longer be welcome at her concerts. Then Mueller lost his job at country-music station KYGO. Then he sued Swift. So now she is countersuing him. “It was not an accident, it was completely intentional, and I have never been so sure of anything in my life,” Swift, 27, said in a deposition.

This is all going to make a great song on her next album.

2. Guam Gonna Get You, Sucker!*


The judges will also accept the submission of @auburnelvis , which deserves its own bold italics Heading 2 font:

Going, Going, Guam?

*a.k.a., “NoKo, Oh, No (Cont.)”

Are these North Korean missile threats taking atoll on Gaumians? Where is Guam, anyway? There it is, that Red A in the middle of the Pacific. That certainly makes it a more convenient target for Kim Jong-Un, having a giant Red A (“Atomic?”) on your back.

Two Lovers Point. Assuming Three Lovers Point is on some kinkier Pacific island.

You probably knew that Guam (pop. 167,000) is a U.S. territory, but did you also know that they are all American citizens by birth? Or that Ferdinand Magellan was the first European to set foot there? Or that its indigenous people are known as Chamorros? Or that the Japanese captured Guam on December 7, 1941, and held it for more than 2 years, subjecting citizens to rape, torture and beheadings (sounds like an HBO doc waiting to happen)?

3. Meet Your New Premier League Teams

The Terriers are movin’ on up….

The Premier League season begins this weekend (summer’s over already?), so let’s meet the three teams that, due to relegation, have been promoted (you have to love a league that turns over 15% of its membership annually to reward teams that played well at the next division down and punish those who play poorly at the highest level; I know I do. Americans can learn from this: the game doesn’t always have to be rigged).

First up, Newcastle United, who spent only one season down in the Championship League (English soccer’s AAA ball). The Magpies, who have spent 82 of the past 85 seasons at the highest level of English soccer, are also the Premier League’s northernmost club, and it isn’t close. The next northernmost squad, Burnley, is 122 miles south.

Brighton & Hove. Yes, the Seagulls’ kits look much like Huddersfield’s.

Next, meet Brighton & Hove Albion. The Seagulls play along the English Channel on the southeastern coast. They last played in the top tier of English football (before it was named Premier League) in 1983. Their stadium, Falmer Stadium, seats 30,700.

Finally, there is Huddersfield Town, located just north of Manchester (and just south of the aforementioned Burnley). This is the Terriers’ first season back in the top flight of English football since 1972. They play at John Smith’s Stadium (24,500).

Huddersfield visits Crystal Palace on Saturday and Brighton & Hove entertains Manchester City. On Sunday Newcastle hosts Tottenham.

4. Where’s Hunter Renfrow?

Renfrew’s first TD catch versus Alabama, in 2016, was his best. released its “Top 100 Players” in college football yesterday (No. 1, Derwin James, FSU), and the list is probably still downloading on your laptop (all the pop-ups and videos, guys, sheesh) (yes, I wrote sheesh). Maybe Clemson’s former walk-on wideout, Hunter Renfrow, does not belong in this august group (assembled in August), but he did catch two touchdown passes against a bunch of future NFLers in 2016 and then caught the championship-game winning touchdown pass versus that same Alabama team last January with :01 remaining.

Oh, and Renfrow led all receivers in receptions in that 2016 Alabama-Clemson contest with 7, then followed that effort up in the sequel by leading all receivers with 10 grabs. That’s 17 receptions, three TD catches, one championship-winning catch with :01 left in the last two years. But NOT one of the country’s top 100 players? Got it.

5. Migrant Mass Murder

About half the 120 men, mostly teens, tossed off the boat drowned. Here are some of the survivors.

You know your life is fraught with hardship when you are fleeing your homeland to be in Yemen, but that’s what dozens of migrants from Ethiopia and Somalia paid a smuggler to do. But, as the ship was crossing the Arabian Sea, the smuggler thought he saw officials off the Yemen coast and tossed his human cargo into the sea. At least 50 migrants drowned. Today’s “be thankful for where you live” message.

Music 101

Roll With The Changes

So if you’re tired of that same old story/Oh, turn some pages. Before Hi Infidelity (nice pun, there, guys) changed everything for REO Speedwagon, Kevin Cronin and the guys wrote some Doobie Brothers-level classic rock tunes. This is one of them, from 1978.

Remote Patrol

Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update

9 p.m. NBC

How will Colin Jost and Michael Che do with an entire half hour in prime time? Okay, if they are able to get Kate McKinnon to join them.

A Word, Please

vestigial (adj.)

forming a very small remnant of something that was once much larger or more noticeable.


3 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. August is a time to remember Benjamin Franklin’s memorable quote, ” …nothing in this world can be certain, except death, taxes and rankings.”

  2. Somewhere, some company is getting ready to mass-produce radiation detection devices called….Guameters.

    I realize the Apocalypse is nigh, but is that a reason to barely mention the World Track & Field Championships? Where are your priorities! 😉

    I will take up jdubs’ woeful slack. Last night saw a shocking upset at the rain-drenched, freezing-their-butt-cheeks-off affair : the fantabulous Allyson Felix of the USA only got the Bronze in the Women’s 400 meters but another American (Phyllis Francis) got the Gold. I’d say it was raining ‘cats & dogs’ all night but it was too damn cold for cats. I’ve only been able to watch the nighttime broadcasts on the Olympic Channel since the weekend & it’s been the ‘Brit version’ (i.e. NOT NBC’s) every time. It’s not bad but we don’t get any post-race interviews with the American competitors. On the plus side, I’ve now been able to see MORE men’s AND women’s (!) shot put, javelin, discus, pole vault and MY fave, the hammer (it’s HAMMER TIME!) than in EVERY other televised World & Olympics combined going back, oh, my entire life. I kid you not! And it’s been great!

    I’m sure I’ve mentioned here my love of the Hammer event? This wasn’t always true but at one of the previous World Championships between 12-19 years ago (I can’t remember which one), the TV network that carried that Championship showed a lot of the Hammer for the 1st time & I LOVED IT! The competitors swing the hammer twice just around the head, using their arms & shoulders & THEN start spinning the entire body, going faster & faster & faster & then BOOM- they release (with or without an accompanying roar) & the hammer flies thru the air to land comparatively softly! They look like superheroes! It’s AWESOME! I prefer it by far over the other throwing events. If you’ve never watched, you should give it a view. And it’s totally up to you if you want to hum or sing “YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS!” throughout. 🙂

    Use in a sentence…. If the WH Sociopath is allowed to stay in office much longer, the USA will be that VESTIGIAL land mass south of Canada?

  3. The Premier League is more “rigged” than American professional leagues in that there is a massive disparity in annual revenues among clubs without leveling procedures like hard salary caps, player drafts based on reverse order of finish, free agency limits, etc. The top clubs have astronomical annual revenues ($750 million for Manchester United) while the clubs at the bottom have a fraction of that. So the promotion/relegation that occurs at the bottom of the table usually has little effect on the title race (which is what made Leicester City’s title in 2015 truly stunning).

    Did you know that the Premier League is only 25 years old? Yes, the EPL is younger than Taylor Swift and Emma Watson, making it the world’s most successful millennial.

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