by John Walters

Starting Five

Loco About NoKo

What happens when your president is the asshole assistant principal (Mr. Vernon) from The Breakfast Club? Hell, even Dean Wormer from Animal House was cooler than this (and he did dispense some priceless advice: Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life).


 Locked and loaded? Now he’s quoting Platoon? I forget. Or maybe the president is Robert Arryn, a.k.a. SweetRobin, the boy in the Eyrie from Game of Thrones who wails at his mommy, “I want to make him FLY!”

Long story short, you’ve put a blowhard who found a way to avoid military service five different times (but apparently he can quote films about that war) in charge of the most devastating weapons in the history of mankind. We all deserve exactly what we get if it goes radioactive.

Meanwhile, the FBI raided Paul Manafort‘s home, Trump is now ridiculing the Senate majority leader (Mitch A Do About Nothing) and Steve Bannon wants Jeffrey Lord, recently fired by CNN, to work in the White House. Nothing to see here. Move along. To Pyongyang.

2. Taylor Takes The/A Stand*

Is this the most museum-worthy courthouse sketch since Tom Brady’s?

*The judges felt this should have been the top story again, but were overruled by MH’s managing editor and chief purchaser of both sweet and salty snacks

If you think of Taylor Swift as a saccharine pop star (or as a saccharine country star), know that she did not sugarcoat it during her appearance on the stand during testimony in yesterday’s Denver groping trial. To wit…

(David Mueller) grabbed my ass–underneath my skirt. It was a definite grab. A very long grab.”

Asked by Mueller’s attorney if she was sure it was her bare ass: ““Yes. He stayed latched on to my bare ass cheek… I felt him grab onto my ass cheek underneath my skirt.”

Asked yet again if she was sure: “Rather than grabbing my ass outside of my clothing, he grabbed my ass underneath my clothing. He was busy grabbing my ass underneath my skirt, so he didn’t grab it outside of my skirt.”

Asked if she considered the bodyguard, Greg Dent, who was there when this occurred, one of her best bodyguards: “I don’t have a competition in my mind over best bodyguards.”

Did she resent Dent for allowing it to happen? “No, I am critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.”

Mueller’s attorney didn’t know when to quit when he was five touchdowns behind. Why doesn’t the skirt appear to be lifted in the photo? “Because my ass is in the back of my body.”

That totally needs to be the title of her next single.

3. LOA? *

*The judges will also accept “Exile On Hanover Square”

Yesterday Newsweek‘s Editor in Chief, Matt McAllester, informed the staff by email that he would be taking a leave of absence. The Hollywood Reporter had the exclusive. The LOA is described as temporary, but we shall see.

It was always a bizarre gambit to have McAllester, who only assumed the role in February, to hopscotch between London (where he ran the European bureau) and New York. Also, at a site where half the workers have never met or worked with the other half due to a minor impediment known as the Atlantic Ocean, there was always a sense of adversity. It’s all about clicks, right, and when you’re sleeping someone in London could be writing the 300-word piece on Jon Snow’s IKEA throw rug that you’d been destined to write.

Anyway, Bob Roe, the best editor we’ve ever worked for/with, and one of the best-liked people in the entire industry, takes the helm for now. Stay tuned.

4. Gimme Mitch!

In his debut with the Chicago Bears, rookie Mitch Trubisky (the first QB and the second player overall taken last spring), went 18-25 for 166 yards and one TD pass. Trubisky relieved starter Mike Glennon, who went 2-8, threw a pick six, and ended his evening with a 0.0 passer rating. Stay tuned on that one, too. I can almost picture Mike Royko and Bernie Lincicome typing columns from beyond the grave advocating Trubisky start the opener.

Just another North Carolina-based team for an old ACC QB to beat up on

Meanwhile, Deshaun Watson, whom we last saw tossing a championship-winning TD pass to Hunter Renfrow (see yesterday’s MH) in the NCG, went 15-25 for 179 yards in his debut the other night with the Houston Texans. Watson also rushed for 24 yards and a TD. He was the 12th player chosen overall and the third QB (behind Patrick Mahomes, whom Kansas City selected). Remember, oh when was it, when Jared Goff and Carson Wentz were the first two picks in the draft?

5. Fire, But No Fury*

*The judges will also accept, “Next Stop, Ashville”

For the first time, according to The New York Times, more Americans were cremated last year than buried. Good. You’re going to devote that much open space to people older than 50 years old, it ought to be for a golf course, not a cemetery.

Music 101


Is this 1978 classic from the Rolling Stones a punk song or a rap song? It’s a Stones song, silly, and that’s all that matters. The tune describes late Seventies New York City and fittingly, Mick Jagger wrote most of the lyrics in the back of a cab. The song appeared on Some Girls, the title of which Keith Richards once memorably told Rolling Stone mag came about because, “We couldn’t remember their names.”

A Word, Please

lugubrious (adj)

looking or sounding dismal and sad

3 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. You mean “KUbisky”? 🙂 🙂

    And if my following comment sounds a tad, oh, lugubrious, well, it’s your fault! Why have you neglected the World Track & Field Championships? Whhhhhyyyy? Other than the nauseating classless display by the stadium crowd at Gatlin (apparently edged on by the British media), the occasional dreary & WET early March weather (what climate change?), & the strange outbreak of “Novovirus” & the now rampant hysteria that a CONSPIRACY kept a competitor from his main event so the IAAF could create a new superstar to take Bolt’s place (uh, sure), it’s been AWESOME! LIVE TV coverage every day! Three-four hours of taped coverage every night! Both the NBC coverage & what I call the “Brit version” (technically, the “world feed”). There has NEVER been this much TV coverage of a Track & Field World Championships! We haven’t just seen the Finals of the 1500 or even the 5000, but ALL the HEATS! We’ve seen the INTRODUCTIONS of ALL the Field event competitors before their Finals! And speaking of the field events, we saw the QUALIFYING too! On the Brit version shown nightly this week on the Olympic Channel, we’ve seen not just a few seconds of the “back-stage” warm-up area (actually BEHIND the stadium) , but 6-7 minutes at the top of EVERY night’s coverage! Kinda cool seeing the various athletes stretching, jogging, chatting with other competitors &/or their coaches. To tell ya the truth, I’m still kinda in shock from it all & am experiencing a bit of a “sugar rush overload” if you get my meaning.

    Here’s some personal observations, thoughts & queries of the Champs – As usual, there have been some shocking upsets (what the heck, Matt Centrowitz?! Injury? Sickness? Find out your ‘internet girlfriend’ doesn’t really exist right before your 1500 heat?) & some expected results (Americans Christian Taylor & Will Claye 1-2 again in the Triple Jump!). The IAAF IS desperate for a new “superstar” to replace Bolt which I think is a HUGE mistake – one of the many reasons Track & Field is in such decline is the BLINDING emphasis on Bolt these past 9 years & the NEGLECT of almost every other track/field star. By the media & most of all by sponsors. Overall but with one notable & LOUD exception, the British fans were great & filled the stands EVERY day & night! (Take THAT, RIO!). If you aspire to be an elite-level female runner, you better have the body type called “ruler” (i.e. no waist). What’s the deal with many/most female runners wearing the bikini-type competition panty instead of shorts? Does it make them faster? Do they THINK it does? Why do the Japanese female marathon runners all run with their straight arms almost glued to their sides? (I kept trying to think where I’d seen that before – & it came to me – they think they are staring in a 1960s Japanese Godzilla movie!)

    Tonight, I think I’ll be seeing some High Jump. CAN’T WAIT! Anyone else who likes to watch very tall, very skinny, VERY long legged (I think they attach directly to the neck but that could be an optical illusion…) athletes jump OVER THEIR HEADS, tune in!

  2. was listening to sports talk last night and the host called Glennon’s QBR rating a Blutarsky. His younger producers didn’t get the reference.

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