by John Walters

Starting Five

Brad Paisley Park and A Better Underwood Than Frank

Kids, I hoped you watched the CMA’s last night, or at least the opening. Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood were their usual brilliant selves—imagine if they did this, say, 10 to 22 times per year as opposed to just once (nudge, nudge, network execs)—poking fun the left, right and alt-right. This is how Sonny and Cher used to do it, and Bob Hope, too. There’s a way to have fun at politicians’ expense without being so hostile (we’ve obviously not mastered that trick).

I don’t know if the entire opening will ever be available on YouTube, but here’s what I’m able to share. Also, if you can find Little Big Town’s tribute to Glen Campbell with “Wichita Lineman,” we’d love to see it.

2. Rockin’ The Paradise Papers

If you have yet to dive into the “Paradise Papers” (guilty), let me tell you that there are a plethora of folks inside the Beltway and on Wall Street that hope you never do. The super-rich and super-influential don’t play by the rules when it comes to accumulating wealth and hiding it, and this information about having offshore bank accounts so that they can avoid paying taxes exposes them.

There are like, 13 million files that have been leaked, so good luck sifting through it all, journos. Some of the people who have offshore holdings are Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and chief economic advisor Gary Cohn, who yesterday told CNBC, “I’m not embarrassed at all. This is the way the world works.”

It’s true. A lot of this is legal. Wall Street is brazen when it comes to the notion that they deserve to be rich and things don’t need to be fair.

3. China Bitch

If we hear just one of these dudes use the word “adversity,” we’re going to vomit.

You have to hand it to UCLA Bruins LiAngelo Ball, Jalen Hill and Cody Riley. Sure, the trio were phenomenally stupid for stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store in Hangzhou—I mean, what store security guard in China is going to pay attention to three tall African-American young men, right?

On the other hand, they did the deed and were arrested in the very week that a U.S. president visits China, which doesn’t happen every day. There has to be some pressure on the Chinese to make this go away.

Our bet is that they get a fine and a slap on the wrists and may even be able to travel back home with their teammates this weekend. Now we’ll just have to see how Steve Alford and Westwood World handles it.

4. Coke Zero*

*The judges will also accept “Record Snortfall” and “Blow Hole”

In Colombia, officials seized a record amount of cocaine, 12 tons, with a street value of $360 million. It’s the largest haul of its kind. In related news, your Thanksgiving weekend high school reunions are going to suck (as opposed to blow).

5. Outer Spacey

Remember, Kevin Spacey is a two-time Oscar winner, and there are not many of those. He also appears to be a serial sexual predator, and there are many of those. Yesterday Heather Unruh, a former news anchor in Boston, held a press conference to report that Spacey sexually assaulted her son at a Nantucket bar, the Club Car (we’ve tipped a few back there…without incident) last summer (I’ll leave the limerick to you). In her address, Unruh stated that Spacey flirted with her 18 year-old son (yes, he was underage) and then stuck his hands down his pants. “Spacey stuck his hand inside my son’s pants and grabbed his genitals.”

I don’t think Spacey’s going to be invited back to the Oscars lunch this winter. His career is over.


Roy Halladay plane crash video…

Music 101


It’s the 25th anniversary of REM’s “classic” album, Automatic For The People, but I actually like 1991’s Out Of Time (and NOT because of “Losing My Religion;” almost in spite of it). This is just one of many gems from REM in the midst of its peak, if that’s possible.

Remote Patrol

Cavs at Rockets 

8 p.m. TNT

The second half of this doubleheader is Thunder at Nuggets, but I’d much rather watch Sixers at Kings. Wouldn’t you? Are the Cavaliers still fun, by the way? Sure, Susie B. thinks so, but they’re going to miss Kyrie for a loooooooooong time.

7 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. An 8-seed team has never won the NBA championship, with the 1999 Knicks being the only team to make it to the NBA Finals (I could be wrong). So, theory: Lebron James and the Cavs will play the No. 1 seed Boston Celtics (presumably with 60 + wins) in the first round of the playoffs. Irving very may well be on his way to wrapping up his first NBA MVP, but the Cavs defeat them and go on and win the NBA Finals.

    Another achievement Lebron can add to his bookshelf.

      • Ha ha…Susie B., look away! I won’t even touch on the “Greatest of All-Time” talk, as my only memories of watching Michael Jordan play was when he donned a Wizards jersey, not to mention all the numerous other players that I just don’t have the basketball knowledge or intellect to discuss in depth.

        But, if we were going to go into this, Lebron James has played in 8 NBA Finals, with seven of them being played in the consecutive years.

        2007: Swept by the Spurs. I get it, he lost. An L is an L. But, at the age of 23, Lebron James took one of the most mediocre teams ever to the NBA Finals.

        2011-2014: 2-2 in the NBA Finals. I suppose if someone is going to have beef with LJ, these are the years to do it. And I don’t want to hear the, “They are one Ray Allen missed three away from being 1-3” talk. As any sports viewer knows, there are so many variables in play that it is intellectually dishonest to pin things on moments such as that.

        2015-2017: 1-2 in the NBA Finals. I don’t buy the argument Lebron didn’t have help. Kyrie Irving, as we are currently seeing, is one of the best NBA players in the league. However, the Golden State Warriors could arguably be one of the best assembled teams in modern history (again, age is not at my advantage here).

        With that being said, I fall on the argument that, albeit 3-5, that is a damn impressive accomplishment. In purely hypothetical terms, if you put Lebron James on any team in the Eastern Conference, that team instantly becomes the favorites to make it to the Eastern Conference. And that applies to everyone. How many players have the ability to do that?

        Debate if he is clutch or not. If people get caught up with that idea, I believe they are missing the point.

  2. However, jdubs is incorrect – I do NOT think the current Cavs have been “fun”. ANYTHING BUT! 1st of all, I hate, detest, abhor, DESPISE that HIDDEOUS BEARD! WHY does any man hide a handsome face with such ugliness? YUCK! And don’t even get me started on the woeful defense & that we have SUCKED for many of the games against the WORST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE! WTH?! Until the last game, when JR FINALLY found his 3-pt shot again, the only 2 guys who have played well so far have been Sweet Pea & Kev. Granted, there have been some injuries, (sooprize, sooprize on D-Rose & D-Wade…) but come ON!

    I’m also pissed that they got rid of RJ (Richard Jefferson). He was a great “locker room guy” & I think he is sorely missed.

    And then there’s the “trade”… The better the ‘Flat Earther’ plays now on his new team, the more I detest him. NOW he plays some defense? NOW he doesn’t take plays, minutes, quarters & even entire GAMES off? The Warriors are still the Supervillains but Enemy #1 is Kyrie Freakin Irving.

  3. And “a fine & a slap on the wrists”? Are you serious? If these guys really stole those glasses, the very LEAST that will happen is a MAJOR MONEY PAYOFF. I would not be surprised at all that they’d be detained IN CHINA for weeks as a “best case scenario”.

    I am shocked that this story has not been on ESPN non-stop. Maybe the mid-morning & afternoon shows covered it extensively yesterday but every time I’ve clicked on the TV channels (early AM & evenings), I’ve heard only quick mentions. Meanwhile, where are all the other media types wringing their hands about the EMBARASSMENT to our country? By those same ‘moral authorities’ so quick to bar Lochte from ALL future swimming competition FOREVER? Hell, Lochte didn’t steal a damn thing – he drunkenly & stupidly ripped a cheap ADVERTISEMENT off a gas station wall!

  4. Re: Glen Campbell, MH acquaintance Jimmy Walker appeared on Phoenix news stations yesterday, touting how Glen would sing as they played the links. Not too surprising that Walker found a way to make the link.

    As for Kevin Spacey, I’ve been ruminating lately on the irony of his show’s name: House of Cards. Bravo to the prescient writer that went with that title! Spacey is supposedly receiving treatment in Arizona. I hope it’s not in Old Town.

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