by John Walters

“President Trump celebrated Veterans’ Day by finally visiting Vietnam” — Colin Jost, “Weekend Update”

(Trump really did have the ‘nads to visit Vietnam on Nov. 11. Seriously.)

Starting Five

Rookie Jayson Tatum is averaging 13.6 and 5.8 so far.

Boston? Strong

The Boston Celtics, without Gordon Hayward, won their 12th consecutive game on Sunday, 95-94 versus Toronto. Brad Stevens is a genius, because this is a lineup without Isaiah Thomas or Hayward, and yesterday even Kyrie Irving was out. The Celtics have the NBA’s top record (12-2) and Bill Simmons is ecstatic.

2. Nice Bling, Miami

The No. 7 Hurricanes owned the No.  3 Irish in the first contest between these two in Miami since 1989. The Irish had beaten the Canes four times since then, but Miami has now beaten the Irish six consecutive time in their area code. Meanwhile, Notre Dame has played two games in Hard Rock Stadium and lost 42-14 to Alabama and 41-8 to the Canes.

The difference? Many—the Irish looked out of it from the second time Miami got the ball—but you first must look at the four turnovers Miami recorded: three picks, one of them housed, and a fumble. The T.O.s resulted in 24 points, while the Irish, for the first time all year, failed to record one.


The Turnover Chain is for real. Because it feels that way. Perception has become truth.

Miami extends the nation’s longest win streak to 14 games, while the Irish can forget about the playoff.

3. SEAL Team Sick

The apparent murder of U.S. Army Green Beret staff sergeant Logan Melgar is a little bit A Few Good Men but a lot more Better Call Saul. If you remember why Mike Ehrmentraut’s good-cop son was killed, then you pretty much understand the case of Melgar.

The 34 year-old Texas native, stationed with a few other operatives in the African nation of Mali, had discovered that a pair of Navy SEALs were stealing from a fund used to pay informants. When they realized he was aware of it, they offered to cut him in. Melgar refused. Then he died of asphyxiation.

What is the penalty for murder in the military? Do they still hang people?

4. The Worst Wing Opens A Satellite Office In Alabama

Whenever you can destroy two white supremacists with one tweet, you gotta go for it:


Meanwhile, Disruptor-In-Chief Steve Bannon has dispatched “reporters” to Alabama to discredit the then 14 year-old’s story and here’s what they’ve come up with (and HOW they’ve pitched it):


Deplorable copy reading

If you happen to be an evangelical and you still support Roy Moore, you’re actually a white supremacist. The rest of us already knew this; now you’ve just gonna ahead and proved it. Psst: Jesus was not a white supremacist. Not even Sweet Baby Jesus was.

5. Player Demonstrations

The NFL and its fans seem to have a much stronger stomach for player demonstrations this season if it’s in the form of touchdown celebrations that ape childhood games. On Sunday the Minnesota Vikings went leapfrog (above) while last Thursday the Kansas City Chiefs went potato-sack race.

The MH staff believes this began back in early October in Chicago when the Vikes went duck-duck-goose after a KyleRudolph TD catch. We’ve seen another team play hide-and-go seek. Still waiting for a spin-the-bottle charade.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we later learned that the players were doing this as their own, for-our-eyes-only protest to what’s been going on in this country? Maybe so, maybe not. But it does make you wonder why the refs are not flagging them for excessive celebration. I guess it’s not seen as taunting, but it’s also, for The Shield, a respite from players taking a knee during the anthem. Sometimes you have to give the inmates a small victory, no?

Meanwhile, the 49ers won their first game of the season against the New York Giants (who themselves have only one victory), leaving the Cleveland Browns (0-9) all alone as the worst NFL team and likely making USC’s Sam Darnold think long and hard about staying in school one more year. Baker Mayfield is going to win the Heisman, but you’d be better off not taking the six-footer who holds the football too long as your QB at the NFL level. And I hate betting against Baker Mayfield, but he’s not quite Russell Wilson, is he?


Never change, Bill Walton. Never change.


Earthquake on the Iraq-Iran border of magnitude 7.7 kills more than 300. You probably did not know any of them…


No. 5 Kentucky holds on to defeat Vermont, 73-69. Meanwhile, unranked Appalachian State holds on against Toccoa Falls, 135-34. Yes, that’s right. The vanquished team should now be known as Toccoa Falls Hard?


Quick Curb Review: Larry is kicked out of a yoga class for refusing to say, “Namaste” (“There is no light within me…”), uses Asperger’s as an excuse for poor behavior (“I’m on the spectrum”), is rated as a “2” from a dating standpoint if he were on Uber and is rated even lower by an actual Uber driver from Romania, and Leon gets off the line of the night after a white man mistakes him for Larry and he does Larry a solid, thereby feeling entitled to remain in Larry’s 92-degree home having sex with the very yoga instructor who booted Larry from the class: “Namaste here mother*ck*r.”

Romanian. Give it a Bucharest, Larry.

Music 101

Got To Be Real

In 1978 at the apex (or nadir, if you wish) of the disco era, Cheryl Lynn released this hit that went to No. 12 on the pop chart and No. 11 on the disco chart. The session guitarist was Ray Parker, Jr., who would have a bigger hit a few years later with the theme from Ghostbusters.

A Word, Please

Sinecure, noun

A position requiring little or no work but providing status or financial benefit (e.g., replay guy for networks)

6 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. I don’t know how Mayfield will develop in the NFL, but it is well worth a shot for an NFL GM. Worth noting: He has never lost a true road game at Oklahoma. I believe his mindsight and approach to the game gives him a fighter’s chance.

    For being a mobile QB, he does a good job evading pressure in the pocket while still maintaining his vision down the field. Also, besides Mark Andrews, all of his playmakers are either in their first or second year. A good QB makes the players around them better.

    • I agree that some GM should take a shot on him. I wouldn’t use a Top 5 pick on him, though. I’d take a surer thing.

      Baker won’t be able to run around in pocket as long in NFL, where everyone is much faster. And he’s not tall. Love him in college; not sure if he can be Russell Wilson/Fran Tarkenton.

      • It’ll probably come down to what team drafts him. Because I’m rooting for Baker (DISCLOSURE), let’s hope that it is the Patriots. Or, better yet, Ben Roethlisberger retires after this season and the Steelers sign Sam Bradford and draft Baker Mayfield. Would be Bradford, Landry Jones and Baker. It is my sport fandom adolescence summed up in one depth chart.

        I’m sure Blake Bell is still out there…

  2. How does one secure a sinecure? I want to be in that line of work!

    Until I land that gig, I’ve discovered my client’s new theme song:

    “Got To Be Real”.

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