by John Walters
Pub Note: Stay tuned for next week’s salute to Moby Dick, when the blog will become “It’s All Harpooning”
1. Talkin’ About A Revolution
Gentlemen’s Quarterly names 30 year-old unemployed NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick its Citizen of the Year and dresses him up in early ’70s blaxploitation garb. You may see CK as a principled man who stood up (by kneeling) for something in which he believed and in so doing forfeited material gains; or you may see him as an unemployed black dude.
You will not see Sports Illustrated, whose subscriber demo is white males above the age of 50, following suit for its Sportsperson of the Year award.
2. “Moore, Moore, Moore/How Do You Like It? How Do You Like It?”*
*The judges will also accept “Faith No Moore” with the subhed “You want it all/But you can’t have it”
Like thousands of other teenaged girls, Beverly Young Nelson’s academic year just wouldn’t be complete until she enticed the local district attorney to sign the inside flap of her high school yearbook. CREEPERS! This entire episode is like Stranger Things: 6.
Yesterday Nelson, well into middle age, was the latest Alabama woman to accuse Roy Moore, the Republican nominee for Jeff Sessions’ vacant Senate seat in Alabama, of sexually assaulting her when she was underage. Recommended: Moore’s Friday night interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, above.
Hannity: “U can say unequivocally u never dated anyone in their late teens when u were 32?”
Moore: (Stammers) “Would’ve been out of my customary behavior.”
— Medium Happy (@jdubs88) November 13, 2017
Above, the infamous “non-denial denial” from an attorney. UPDATE: As a few sharp tweeps have pointed out, Hannity inserted the word “late” into the question. That way, even if we could prove Moore is lying here, he can always fall back on the fact that some were of legal age. Had Hannity asked, “underage” instead of “late” teens, this question takes on much more heft.
Moore: “I don’t remember ever dating any girl without the permission of her mother, and in her statement she said her mother encouraged her to to out with me.”
— Medium Happy (@jdubs88) November 13, 2017
Above, total creepers.
3. Getting Your Rozov
World record-setting BASE jumper Valery Rozov died on Saturday (you’ll never guess how). The Russian stunt performer, 52, was attempting a jump in a wing suit off 22,349-foot Mount Ama Dablam in the Himalayas when he crashed into the side of a cliff (Rule No. 1, kids; Rule No. 1).
It’s better to really, really live and die younger than to never have lived at all (Rule 58).
Rozov’s record-setting leap.
4. Riposare In Pace, Italia
For the first time since 1958, my native peeps, the Italians, will not be a part of the World Cup. The Azzurri lost 1-0 to Sweden in a qualifier yesterday, ensuring their absence from next summer’s tournament in Russia. That’s okay: we assume Pope Francis is pulling for Argentina, anyway.
Italy will be the only country that has previously won a World Cup that will not be represented at the 2018 World Cup. Then again, only eight different nations have won a World Cup.
5. Top Jimmy
Last night Jimmy Kimmel celebrated his 50th birthday and part of the party included a Mean Tweets edition in which an impressive array of celebrities (Howard Stern, David Letterman, Liam Neeson, etc.) read tweets directed at the host. Pardon me while I clutch my Turnover Pearls, but I found the bit more depressing than funny. Only one tweet was actually funny (the one read by Larry David); the rest were actually just vulgar and devoid of any true humor. Insult comedy should still have a little bit of wit to it, no?
You be the judge.
When you have to put your strength coach into concussion protocol. The offending player, Latrelle Lee of Tennessee State, was kicked off the team and expelled. You sort of wonder what set him off, but nothing the coach said warranted that. By the way, look at No. 45. His hands never leave his waist.
WARNING: Do not show this to your kids!
This has gone way too far, @NFL. I thought you couldn’t go any lower, but today a player reenacted the 9/11 #terrorattacks on the #WTC as a #touchdown celebration. I vomited when I saw this. Absolute filthy #scum.#BoycottNFL#NeverForget pic.twitter.com/oRllIgwCll
— MomDad (@bothmomanddad) November 13, 2017
This is where we are as a nation right now. Stefon Diggs scores a touchdown on Sunday against the Redskins and the person above decides that he’s mimicking the 9/11 attacks. And I suppose if I mention that Diggs is black I’m the one who’s obsessed with race. If you really do the mental gymnastics, can you make a case that he/she’s correct? I guess if you want to see that, you can. I doubt that’s what was going on (I mean, he could’ve gotten a teammate to leap into the other goalpost moments after if he was truly concerned about artistic expression, no?).
Set Fire To The Rain
Six years ago this month Adele’s 2nd single from 21 went to No. 1.
No. 2 Michigan State vs. No. 2 Duke
7 p.m. ESPN
Even if you’re not ready for college basketball season to begin (at least until Thanksgiving weekend, thanks), this right-cheaah may be the premier matchup of the season. Sparty boasts the favored preseason national player of the year in sophomore swingman Miles Bridges, while Duke comes back with everyone’s favorite dastardly villain, Grayson Allen, along with super frosh Marvin Bagley III. From Chicago.