by John Walters

Canadians are the best…


Starting Five

1. At Ease With Aziz?*

*The judges will not accept “Master Of Nuns”

Nearly 40 years ago there was a highly progressive and controversial sitcom (what’s a sitcom?) on TV that was titled Three’s Company (Why was it controversial? Because a man lived with two females, even though it was completely platonic). Even though I watched it as a tween, I’ve never forgotten the scene in which Janet and Chrissy (or was it one of the post-Chrissy blondes?) are discussing bad dates. Janet says, “Why can’t men understand that ‘NO!’ means ‘No’?….(waits a beat)….Except when it doesn’t?”

Granted, that line was probably written by a man. I don’t know.

All of which is to say that I’m not ready to place Aziz Ansari in the class of Harvey Weinstein or Kevin Spacey. The mating dance among singles is highly complex and while you sit in your cubicle judging Ansari for his behavior on a date, it’s not after midnight and alcohol isn’t involved at your desk and as soon as we get to signing consent forms and asking for a verbal yes on dates as if we’re asking if we have permission to intubate your loved one (I didn’t even think of the symbolic parallel before I typed that), we’re heading down a miserable path.

And that’s all I have to say about that…for now.

2. The Beatles Begged You To Do This 50 Years Ago!

The most intriguing news of today thus far to us is that Great Britain has appointed a Minister for Loneliness. Tracey Crouch, above, has been put in charge of forming a ministry for the estimated 9 to 11 million people in the U.K. who feel lonely. Is this what Brexit hath wrought?

First house call, of course, should be to one Eleanor Rigby….

3. Amazon Finalists

“You want me to move to Newark?!?”

This morning Amazon, playing this up for all its worth, released its list of 20 finalist cities for its second major base of operations. We shall now proceed to the evening gown competition.

In case you were wondering, the island of Themyscira did not make the list but the island of Manhattan has. Or at least New York City, so perhaps Long Island?

Here is the complete list. Expect Amazon to set up its second facility in the Eastern time zone:
Atlanta, GA; Austin, TX; Boston, MA; Chicago, IL; Columbus, OH; Dallas, TX; Denver, CO; Indianapolis, IN; Los Angeles, CA; Miami, FL; Montgomery County, MD; Nashville, TN; Newark, NJ; New York City, NY; Northern Virginia, VA; Philadelphia, PA; Pittsburgh, PA; Raleigh, NC; Toronto ON; and Washington D.C.

4. Larsen-y

This is Ripple co-founder Chris Larsen, 57, who when his cryptocurrency soared to a value of $3.84 on January 4 found himself to be, on paper at least (notes the irony of talking about the net worth of a crypto-billionaire using the words “on paper”), wealthier than Mark Zuckerberg. Larsen was worth $59.9 billion.

But yesterday Ripple (XRP) plunged to a value of $1.13, meaning that Larsen had lost $44 billion of his net value (and how does anyone expect to get by in Silicon Valley on $15 billion, right?). The good news for Larsen is that this morning Ripple is up 69% to $1.84. And you say trading cryptocurrencies aren’t fun? Let’s listen to what another billionaire, T. Boone Pickens, had to say about them yesterday:


By the way, GBTC is up 12% this morning. Crypto is a roller-coaster. If you don’t have the stomach for it, go ride the tea cups…

5. Jo Jo White

White’s and Walt Frazier’s battles were intense

My favorite basketball team was, is and likely always will be the 1972-1973 New York Knicks. Every great team needs a nemesis, and for those Knicks it was the Boston Celtics, who were led by forward John Havlicek, center Dave Cowens and point guard Jo Jo White. A Hall of Famer who played at Kansas, White died yesterday at the age of 71.

A seven-time All-Star, the 6’3″ White never led the NBA in any stats, but he was smart and tenacious and just a true pain in the ass, and I mean that as a compliment. The Knicks won in seven games in the Eastern Conference finals that season, winning Game 7 at the Boston Garden, something that just did not happen back then.

White versus the Suns

Three years later, White would not only play in the famous triple-overtime NBA Finals win versus another favorite team of mine, the ’76 Suns, but if you check out the stat sheet from that contest he was the game’s leading scorer (33 points) and led in assists (9) He played 60 minutes that night. White would be named MVP of the 1976 NBA Finals.

White also played in 488 consecutive games for the Celtics and was a key part of two NBA championship teams.


We couldn’t move on until we at least noted the following….

Mekhi Brown, the Alabama special teams stud who went after a Tide assistant coach on the sidelines during the national championship game, has left Tuscaloosa and plans to enroll at Tennessee State, where coach-punching is already a thing, as you may recall…

–Mel Kiper, Jr., released his first NFL mock draft and has the Browns selecting Wyoming quarterback Josh Allen No. 1 overall, the Giants taking Josh Rosen and the Broncos, at No. 5, selecting Sam Darnold. If the Browns take Allen they’ll be laughed out of the hemisphere, by the way.

The truly smart picks in this draft are Saquon Barkley, Minkah Fitzpatrick and Quenton Nelson. Guaranteed future Pro Bowlers. Gua-RON-teed.

–A woman named Kirstjen Nielsen, the most Nordic-sounding named Secretary of Homeland Security we’ve ever had, claimed under oath that she was unaware if Norway is a predominantly white country. Really. Really. On today’s episode of The Worst Wing….

Music 101

She Sells Sanctuary

Lead singer Ian Astbury has never become a household name, unless you live with a post-punk/heavy-metal-goth sibling, but The Cult was one of the hardest-rocking bands in the Eighties and certainly the hardest-rocking outfit from England. This 1985 face-melter with the classic opening riff gave bands like The Church a few ideas for later on.

Remote Patrol



Reviewers are calling this “Netflix’s most binge-worthy original series yet,” and having fallen down a four-episode rabbit hole last night/this morning, I agree. The true story of the two FBI agents who basically invented psychological criminal profiling, the series is thus far highly engrossing without ever being gross. And I never even knew about Edmund Kemper, California’s highly intelligent, 6’9″, 270-pound “Coed Killer,” who speaks to the Feds and is still alive today. Show runner David Fincher, who directed Zodiac, directs this with a similar feel. Excellent.

Yes, but would it make a good musical?

5 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. If the US were to create a Minister of Loneliness position, Melania Trump would be an obvious candidate.

    I watched Three’s Company as a kid, and the central plot point, which is that Jack pretended to be gay so that the landlord would permit him to live with the two women, went completely over my head. Looking back, what a weird premise.

    Anyone who professes to know how cryptocurrency is going to play out is either a fool or trying to fool others. Whether Bitcoin is Facebook or tulips, only time will tell.

    • By the way, the list of TV comedies with the oddest premises would start like this:

      1. Hogan’s Heroes (hijinks in a WWII German prison camp).
      2. My Mother the Car (Jerry Van Dyke’s car was his dead mother reincarnated)
      3. The Flying Nun
      4. Mr. Ed
      5. Bosom Buddies (the best-titled show in TV history)

  2. Roy Orbison and I endorse Britain’s new Minister of Loneliness. How great would it be to build a society based on group hugs, ice cream socials and pet adoptions? Her first road trip should be to Bhutan, where they measure well-being and progress through GNH, or the principles of gross national happiness.


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