by John Walters

Starting Five

Day Zero

“I miss the rains down in Africa”  *


*Wait, it’s “BLESS the rains?” Never knew that. Oh, well…

You know who else misses those rains? Africans. The Dark Continent is now the Dry Continent, as a massive drought has imperiled one of its urban jewels, Cape Town, South Africa. Because the main reservoir that nourishes it may soon be bone-dry, officials have announced a Day Zero for water availability (originally it was supposed to be in mid-April, but it has been pushed back one month to May).

A reminder to those who saw The Big Short: Dr. Michael Burry, the iconoclast who was the first to begin shorting the housing market at least four years before the sub-prime mortgage crisis detonated in 2008, made hundreds of millions of dollars. At the end of the film, just before the credits roll, the film announces that Burry’s latest interest is….WATER.

2. To Cav Or Cav Not

“Y’all don’t gotta go home, but you gotta git your ass up outta here”

More than 1,000 flights were canceled in the Midwest yesterday, but seemingly none in Cleveland. The Cavs jettisoned Isaiah Thomas (Do you want Frye with that?), Jae Crowder, Derrick Rose, Iman Shumpert and Dwyane Wade while welcoming aboard George Hill, Rodney Hood, Larry Nance, Jr., and Jordan Clarkson.

In short, the Cavs expelled four of their eight leading scorers for more youth and potential. Remember how the veteran locker room was going to be more cohesive? Not so much. It’s up to LeBron and Love to shepherd a Cavs team that since mid-December has an 8-14 record (31-22 overall).

Meanwhile Rose, a former league MVP, joins his 4th team in three seasons (Utah) who plan to waive him. Minnesota appears interested.

Stay tuned for Susie B’s’ expert analysis of Cleveland’s Swap Meet Wednesday in the comments….

3. Top Jimmy Struts!

With a five-year, $137.5 million contract, the San Francisco 49ers make former Tom Brady backup Jimmy Garoppolo the highest-paid player in NFL history. I think it’s that extra .5 million dollars that really arouses my curiosity. Don’t you prefer round numbers?

The four-year veteran has started seven games in his career, but his teams (Pats, Niners) are 7-0 in those games. For what it’s worth, Garoppolo did have the top-selling NFL jersey this Christmas. We Eye-talians are marketable!

4. Future CEO

Outside a San Diego marijuana dispensary, an industrious Girl Scout sells 300 boxes of cookies. And somebody has a problem with that? Why? Notice the Tagalong glasses. This young lady, and/or her parents, are geniuses.

5. One And Done in Pyeongchang

The Kenyan Olympic team is Sabrina Samider, born in Kenya but raised in Austria.

Was watching the figure skating last night and wondered, How come we never hear about Irish Winter Olympians (turns out there are five of them in South Korea)? That led to a search for national representation from unlikely precincts. So here are the countries that are sending one (1) athlete to compete in Pyeongchang:







Patrick Brachner will represent Azebaijan in alpine skiing

Hong Kong






Puerto Rico

San Marino


South Africa





The referee gave him a technical foul for this—Whaaaaa?



Coming to a theater near you?

Music 101

Theme from Shaft

Who’s the black private dick/That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?/SHAFT!/Damn right”

(lyrics begin at 2:42)

Can you dig it? This song and film not only influenced how New York City-based films were shot and scored for the Seventies, it also influenced NBA theme music the rest of the decade. Isaac Hayes wrote and recorded this 1971 tune, which went to No. 1 on the Billboard charts and won the Oscar for Best Original Song (Hayes became the first black man to win the Oscar in this category). And you just have to love how subversive all of it is, right down to the film title, which went right over your Aunt Polly’s head.

Remote Patrol

Olympics Opening Ceremony

8 p.m. NBC

Who’s in the mood for a NON-MILITARY parade!

3 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. The CAVS front office apparently have a secret direct connection into my head as for the past 2 weeks I’d been wailing to my assistant (EVERY DAY) that they needed to get rid of pretty much everyone on that list. I’m sorry to see Channing & D.Wade go, but the latter wanted to get back to Miami soon anyway & it was his choice. IT (the guy) had been an absolute disaster both on & off the court. But, I don’t blame him as much as I blame the Cavs management – WHY on earth would you trade one of the top 10 NBA guys for a midget with a wrecked hip who won’t even be able to play for half the season?! And Crowder was supposed to be this great defensive player…who? what? where? I don’t know if he has some secret injury or condition or it was all just psychological (as in he didn’t want to be there from the get go) but he was pretty pathetic. And Derick Rose? ARE THEY KIDDING? The guy has not been able to play since he tore his 2nd ACL & then he disappeared from his team least year without telling them ahead of time & they didn’t even know where he was for more than 24 hours? Oh boy, get THAT guy for our team. Sheesh.

    And I KNOW you think it’s Sweet Pea’s fault! HAH! The guy played like the MVP until Xmas! And then when IT comes back & they realize what they have & the team played worse & worse until it was PAINFUL to watch, heck, no wonder he couldn’t take it anymore! I honestly could not bare it & only watched a few minutes of the games since Xmas. The look on LeBron’s face just hurt my heart! And THEN Kev’s hand gets broken! OMG. (Which means he’ll be a one-handed or backseat “shepherd” for 7 more weeks).

    In fact, the only “positive” from that January clusterf*ck was that I was so angry at the Cavs owner & management that I was no longer going to be upset with LBJ when he left this summer (as long as it’s NOT to the Supervillains or Lakers!). Now, I’m not sure. I can’t say the front office didn’t do any & EVERYthing to help. Finally. So. I’m hopeful once again.

    And I’ll say it again – it was a MISTAKE to get rid of Richard Jefferson right before the season started. If he’d been in that locker room, I doubt things would have gotten so toxic. In fact, I’d try to get him back from the Nuggets now if that is possible (he doesn’t seem to be doing much for them so maybe they’ll let him go & the Cavs can put him one of their 2 “vacancies”).

  2. Wait, did you watch the Olympics on NBC or NBCSN last night? If it was the former, did you see/hear the German skater? Performing to a jazzy, swing version (!) of “Wonderwall” by…Paul Anka. Yes, THAT Paul Anka! Mr New York, New York! They are now allowed to skate to songs with lyrics these days & he picked that. Guess you have to say it …. he “did it HIS way”. 😉

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