by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

1. The Kanye West Wing

You’re telling us that’s the same dude who once quipped on national television, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people?” Now he’s hugging it out in the Oval Office with Donald Trump, dropping mother*cker bombs on camera, and mansplaining why he voted the way he did in 2016?

Quoth Kanye: “I love Hillary. I love everyone, right? But the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel, as a guy that didn’t get to see my dad all the time, like a guy that could play catch with his son. There was something about putting this hat on that made me feel like Superman.”

Narrator: Superman doesn’t wear a hat. Also, he’s an undocumented immigrant who would never be allowed to play the French Open in that outfit.

Anyway, it was surreal and utterly inappropriate would be funny if not so tragic and as we’ve been saying since the beginning, Another Day of Trump.

By the way, while this charade was playing out in the Oval Office, the Senate was ramming 15 more male Trump-appointed judges down our throats and the Dems were complicit because in return the GOP said if they did so everyone could return to their districts three weeks early. You get your money for nothing/And your chicks for free...

2. Mousey Tongue

Researchers from the Chinese Academy of Science (we were wait-listed there) recently announced that they were able to use embryonic stem cells and genetic engineering to produce live offspring from two female mice. We have no idea what the second mouse was needed for but it’s been 33 years since we studied for our college genetics final exam, so we’re a bit rusty on the particulars.

Leave it to the Chinese to be the vanguard of asexual reproduction.

Researchers are now attempting to build the world’s smallest operational Subaru for this non-traditional family, who at press time were resting comfortably and watching The Kids Are All Right.

3. From Rage To Riches

From Rags To Bitches

Someone bought the domain name and made it a site for survivors of sexual assault. So now when you Google the new Supreme Court justice’s name, this will pop up. After we saw this, curiosity took hold of us and we searched to see if the domain had yet been claimed by someone. It has not.

4. Then: Nigerian Prince; Now: Tanzanian Billionaire

Things are getting Tanzanier in Africa, where the nation’s only billionaire, and the continent’s youngest, Mohammed Dewji, was abducted as he was about to enter a gym in Dar Es Salaam for a workout. Dewji, 43, has a reported worth of $1.5 billion and owns Mohammed Enterprises, which is a conglomerate of businesses in a number of sectors.

If you receive an email today from a Tanzanian billionaire asking you to donate to his ransom, it may actually be real.

5. This Justin: Will Oregon Runner Cause Nike’s Stock To Tank, Too?

Just one month after making Colin Kaepernick its poster boy, Nike went ahead and surprised Oregon distance runner Justin Gallegos, who suffers from cerebral palsy, with a contract. This,we assume, will render him ineligible?

For the record, Gallegos is part of Oregon’s non-varsity running club. Nike signed him to a three-year deal. He recently ran a half-marathon in 2:03, which is damn good. We just watched the video and now this room needs dusting.


Welcome to your crime scene. Torture room for one?

Turkish officials have audio and video evidence (in short, they’ve met the Melania Test) of Jamal Khashoggi being tortured and then executed inside the Saudi consulate. Sources said the 15 assassins (talk about, ahem, overkill) also brought a bonesaw with them for purposes of dismemberment, the better to depart with Khashoggi’s corpse in an inconspicuous manner.

So we’ve got a nation that murders a journalist inside its own consulate, was the birthplace of 18 of the 19 9/11 hijackers, is currently using our weaponry to starve out the nation of Yemen, and was also the very first country President Trump visited? Sounds about right, but then $110 billion arm deals are nothing to sneeze at.


We liked this idea from Max Kellerman. The Giants have two sterling position-player talents in Odell Beckham (just re-signed) and Saquon Barkley and a 37 year-old stiff at quarterback in Eli Manning. Colin Kaepernick lives in New York City and is actually not unpopular here. Sign him. Put him in practice sessions. See what he has left in the tank. The local media and fans certainly would not crucify you. What do you have to lose, G-Men?

Music 101 

True Colors

Before she was just another old lady waiting with me on the corner of 79th and Broadway for the light to change, Cyndi Lauper was an ’80s pop star with a unique and enchanting voice. Not quite as powerful as Annie Lennox, mind you, but she was quirky and genuine and this was one of her bona fide hits.

Remote Patrol


Sundays With Alec Baldwin

10 p.m. Sunday

I’m trying to picture the pitch meeting.

“So you’re just gonna…talk?”


“And no one’s going to sing?”

“Or dance.”

“And no one’s going to hook up or have an immunity challenge?”

We’re just…talking.”


8 p.m.

Chiefs at Patriots

Meet the new boss. Pat Mahomes and the 5-0 Chiefs aren’t the first AFC franchise that came after Tom Brady and the Pats’ fiefdom, but he’s not as young as he used to be and it may finally be time. Or is it?

4 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. So jdubs, are you holding up ok after the last 2 Bloody Days on Wall Street? (It’s OCTOBER, the chances for “blood in the Street” are higher than the Supervillians making it back to yet another NBA Finals!). Since you buy & sell so fast, I’m not sure if you’re currently invested, but if you are, how do you, er, stand? Any high-fiving? Any upchucking? At the end of yesterday, my (individual) stock portfolio looked like Panama City, except instead of blown-off roofs, it was a sea of RED as far as the eye could scan (up & down my list of stock holdings). The good news is that I did a little buying, rare this year for me. Unfortunately, my OTHER 12 limit orders are still waiting & waiting. This is just the TIP of what’s coming & it could be just a PREVIEW, a “Coming Attractions” heads-up. I was actually surprised at the timing & angry at myself that I didn’t already move some of my 401K monies to “safer waters” (ironic at this time, sorry) of which I’ve been “planning” for several months but greedily, I was hoping to reach a certain goal-level & didn’t quuuuite get there. Well, who knows, we could bounce back HIGHER over the next few months and I’ll be ready then! Fingers crossed.

    Anyhoo, do you invest in any strong dividend companies? I decided earlier this year that I want to QUINTUPLE (at least!) my yearly dividends over the next 4-5 years (pre-retirement planning) which would of made my dad bust a gut as I’ve always been “Growth Girl” while he was the “dividends ONLY!” kind of investor. (I didn’t even bother mentioning AMZN to him 10 years ago because without a dividend, my dad was not interested, not even a little & it used to drive me crazy!). I plan to add to some of my existing dividend stocks & have selected a few others. I know you’re not exactly an “energy guy” but you might like one of the stocks on my “to buy” list. Not only is it a HIGH div payer, but it owns & operates a RENEWABLE power portfolio of solar & wind assets. The fact that its ticker is TERP & I am a MD alum has nothing to do with my interest! Well ok, it’s what made me look them up! 🙂 I’m also going to invest in a utility for the 1st time (“D”) & what’s that sound, oh, that’s just my dad rolling over… I’d be interested to know if you have any recommendations.

    I do have a heads-up “tip” for you! I’m not interested in Stich Fix AT ALL & based on my history, it could be the next NFLX! 🙂

    • Susie B.

      Don’t have time to reply to all, but to be sure Walker Capital, an independent subsidiary of MH, took a huge hit on Wednesday and Thursday. Fortunately, we had plenty of backup capital to buy 50% more of AMZN late Thursday and then sold 75% of our total of AMZN when it went up $75 today. I’m sure there are readers who will say, “But taxes!” and here at Walker Capital our official view is, “Taxes Schmaxes!” Which is to say, being taxed a high % of something is still better than not being taxed on nothing.

      As for the other stuff, we’ve been watching SFIX but we’re not sure if it’s not just threading the needle. For now, we’re lucky that at the end of a tumultuous week, our losses were negligible and we’ve freed up a lot of capital for the next tsunami.

  2. You two and your Wall Street talk. Mike and I put every extra penny in a Scottish cattery (according to their newsletter, our investment allowed for Queen Whiskernoodle to have her cleft palate fixed and a new tux for Senor Crank) and we hope to retire there one day. There should be plenty, as long as we only live three weeks.

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