by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

A buddy of mine, a sports fan, upon seeing Woodland on TV on Saturday: “He looks like my high school gym teacher who yelled at me for not trying hard enough.”

Woodland Thrills

Some dude the casual sports fan had never heard of but who has 80% of Tiger Woods’ last name, in order, in his, won the U.S. Open. Gary Woodland, former Washburn University hoopster, shot 13-under to become the St. Louis Blue/Toronto Raptors of sports in this unusual week.

(In which our friend Alan Shipnuck enters the Humblebrag Hall Of Fame)

Why Woodland’s win will stand out: 1) He did it at Pebble Beach (was it sunny at all there this weekend?) and 2) He ended it with like a 45-foot putt (he had two more strokes to play with and still win at the time) on the 18th.

Coughin’ Corner Kicks

ABC touted its’ Sunday night special as “30 Uninterrupted Hours with President Trump,” and insofar as any American would want to watch this feature on Father’s Day, you figure the reason would be for a glimpse of his character. You know, find me the real man behind the blue blazer and red tie and combover.

And there it was, on full display, in what we imagine Trump considered a throwaway moment that would never make it out of the edit bay.

Down Goes Frazier!

Two things happened to New York Yankee outfielder Clint Frazier yesterday: 1) He batted cleanup as the Yanks knocked the Sox around, 10-3, in Chicago and 2) he was later sent down to AAA to make room for Edwin Encarnacion.

Why the Yankees, who already have two 50-homer guys on the roster who will be returning to the lineup within the next 10 days, acquired the leading home-run hitter in the American League on Saturday would initially seem to make no sense. It’s like the Saudis trading for sand. What do we call a team that now has five dudes with at least 40-homer potential (Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton, Encarnacion, Luke Voit and Gary Sanchez): Mass Murderers’ Row?

Encarnacion’s home-run trot involving miming walking a parrot around the bases. Really.

All we can say is that like the Lord, Brian Cashman works in mysterious ways. Everyone’s guess is that 1) Encarnacion cost the Yankees basically nothing as the Mariners are holding a fire sale, so why not and 2) Cashman is packaging some of his plethora of young talent to acquire what the Yanks really need if they are going to compete with Houston and L.A. in October, a staff ace.

Look for any or all of these names to be packaged for a trade: Frazier, Greg Bird, Mike Tauchmann, Miguel Andujar and Gio Urshela. The Yankees duct-tape spring allowed other scouts to see what some of these youngsters can do in The Show and there’s no way the Bombers can keep all of these position players (happy).

Three more thoughts: this is Brett Gardner‘s final season in the Bronx, but they’ll keep him this season as he’s the unofficial team captain and 2) If I’m Clint Frazier, I’m wondering why I was sent down as opposed to designating recently acquired Kendrys Morales for assignment, but the guess is that the Yanks plan to move me. We hope not—Frazier has a bright future and Encarnacion is 36—but it all depends on what arm the Yanks can acquire, and 3) most every Yankee at-bat will now end in either a strikeout, walk or home run.


*The judges will also accept, “What Can Brow Do For You?”

Meet the new Supervillains, Susie B! (good suggestion, Jacob). Remember when the league’s MVP decided to toss off his Central Time Zone team and sign with a talent-rich squad in California? And remember how angry one of our readers became?

Well, Anthony Davis is not quite the league MVP, but he’s close and he threw a long enough hissy fit that the Pelicans traded him to be Sweet Pea’s newest teammate. Now, what happens if Kawhi joins the Lakers, as well, which could very well happen in the next few weeks? Thoughts, Susie B?

As for New Orleans, they’ll land the first and fourth picks in Thursday’s draft now as well as Laker Youth such as Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart and Brandon Ingram. We would’ve held out for Kyle Kuzma if we were the Gulls and taken one fewer, or even two fewer players (Kuzma plus the No. 4 would’ve been our ask), but the Lakers were able to keep KK.

Zion just learning that LaVar Ball gonna be at a lot of the games…

Of course the Pelicans will select Zion with the No. 1 pick (has he already been made grand marshal of the 2020 Mardi Gras parade?), but whom to select with No. 4, where the talent dropoff begins? We don’t know and judging from the lack of consensus on the mock drafts, neither does anyone else.

“I need a Herro/I’m holding on for a Herro at the end of the night/And he’s gotta be strong/And he’s gotta shoot long/and he can’t just go to his right!”

We’re not huge De’Andre Hunter fans; and he’s basically the same size as Zion. We love Tyler Herro (6’6″, Kentucky) as a poor man’s Klay Thompson (a man we shouted from the rooftops for someone to draft when he came out; the Dubs listened) and we also love the Gonzagans, Brandon Clarke and Rui Hachiamura, as well as UNC’s Nassir Little. But what the Pelicans will desperately need is an outside shooter to stretch defenses, which is why we’d go agains the grain some and pick Herro.

The Yogi Berra Travel Guide

Skip Santorini, says the NYT, and try Tinos instead. We’ll be happy if we can just make it to Montauk one day this summer. #ServerLife

According to The New York Times, your favorite European destination (e.g. Barcelona, Amsterdam, Florence) has now become Sardi’s: “No one goes there any more, it’s too crowded.” Or, for you millennials, Coachella.

Anyway, the Times offers up six same-nation alternatives to those three places as well as for Prague, Santorini and Dubrovnik. We’d also like to see the Times do the same for the U.S.A. “Instead of Chicago, why not Milwaukee?” Or, “Forget New York City; there’s a new haven and it’s called New Haven!”

Paint Misbehavin’

*A new feature in which we learn about paintings! The title, like most art work, remains a work in progress.


By Edward Hopper, 1942. The American artist put this on display soon after completing it and the Art Institute of Chicago bought it for $3,000 at auction, where it has remained ever since. One of the most famous works of the 20th century bought for next to nothing. If the Art Institute were to put it up for auction today they could probably buy an entire new museum in the Loop with the proceeds.

By the way, no one is having more than coffee. Not even a milkshake. How’s that poor counter jockey supposed to feed his family?

Remote Patrol

WWC: Germany vs. Russia

Noon Fox

The president will be pulled in both directions if he tunes in. He’s of German descent, but now wholly devoted to the Russkies. The deciding factor will be which squad has the more striking striker, we feel.

It’s “RSA,” the Republic of South Africa. In our best Emily Litella, “Never mind.”

6 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. The Lakers aren’t the NEW “Supervillains”, they’re the OG VILLAINS for the past 20-some years! And If you think I’m happy about this “deal” (Gail! Gail, WHY did you let me down?! Did you not say “over my dead body” about your team trading AD to the Lakers?!!) you haven’t been paying attention. I wanted the Lakers to GET NOOOOOBODY in Free agency & then Sweet Pea would have bailed! Now, I guess I won’t be watching LBJ for the rest of his career. 🙁 🙁 🙁

    I watched exactly 1 half of a Lakers game this past season; the one where Sweet Pea tied & then passed Jordan on the NBA Scoring List. I had PLANNED to watch the entire game but it was too upsetting, so I clicked it off at Halftime. I’ll watch the one next season where he passes Kobe for #3 on the list & that will be it.

    As for the “deal” – it sure seems like they gave up a LOT for one guy who’s barely played in ANY playoff games let alone won anything. Plus, AD isn’t exactly injury-proof, now is he? Has he made it thru even one season without missing at least 2-6 weeks due to injury? And jdubs, I don’t think the Lakers have enough money left to get Kawhi. Of course, if the SUPERVILLAINS can sign 3, count ’em THREE players to MAX deals, why can’t the Lakers? Because the Buss family isn’t as rich as the owners of the Warriors & don’t want/can’t pay the huge “luxury taxes”?

    FTR, “talent-rich” team? LOL! Part of the reason I only watched HALF of that Lakers game is because that team was AWFUL! Ok, going by the early W-L, they were ok before LBJ got injured, but they sucked without him & completely fell apart after that disastrous trade attempt.

    Also FTR, unless a team is mistreating/abusing a player or he is an older All-Star player with limited time left & his current team is hopeless & “not what you signed up for”, I think it’s DISGUSTING for a player to “demand” a trade when you have 2 YEARS left on your contract. Whether it was AD’s idea or his agent’s (who also happens to be one of LBJ’s business partners & good friend & agent) or LBJ’s idea, I thought it was even worse than Flat Earther ditching the Cavs when he had one year left.

    And I know everyone is singing Kawhi’s praises these days but I think how HE handled his last year with the Spurs was disgusting too. Humpfh!

  2. Speaking of “contracts”, it seems presumptive #1 pick Zion is trying to get out of a contract he signed alllll-the-way-back in, er, April. Don’t know whether he rushed into it or his family pressured him but I guess in the future he’ll learn to take his time & KNOW what he’s signing & with WHOM, after he’s shelled out a few million to get out of this one.

  3. “There’s an Edward Hopper painting: Corner Saloon. It’s a gin mill on a New York street, door thrown wide open, blurry figures in dark coats rushing past. The grimy air, the bleak street, the wan despair of it all chills you and makes you fix your gaze on that door. You can’t help but feel that on the other side lies something better, something that might change your whole outlook, or at least make you laugh. And I promise you, there is. Even if it’s just Joe and World’s Smartest Man trying to name McGovern’s running mate or the surprisingly large number of Cy Young winners who’ve been arrested or the parts of the human body that have three letters–eye, ear, leg, et cetera. (There are ten in all, and if you can name them in under an hour, you’re a genius.)” –J.R. Moehringer interview in Esquire Magazine, June 2006

  4. It took under 12 minutes to create that list? You’re slipping.

    I actually remembered the Moehringer/Edward Hopper quote I was looking for. It’s in a 2008 Los Angeles Magazine profile J.R. wrote about his Saguaro High School Classmate David Spade.

    “After a time I went and stood in the shadows with one of the makeup artists, a woman so lovely that she didn’t need a speck of makeup. My appreciation for this irony must have been written across my face, must have been scrolling across my forehead like the news ticker in Times Square, because she asked somewhat fearfully who I was. I told her I was writing about Spade. We chatted about nothing. I made her laugh. She made me laugh. I was just about to ask if she liked Edward Hopper paintings and Russian novels and long walks in the rain when Spade or one of his people waved to her. She was needed. Over There. She dropped me and hurried to Spade’s side.”

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