IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Finding it odd that I spotted this on Twitter and not YouTube.

Starting Five

Mr. Schiff Goes To Washington

The Democrats don’t stand much of a chance of winning this Senate impeachment trial, but thanks to forthright representatives such as Adam Schiff, they do stand a decent chance of exposing the Republicans in both the Senate and the White House for the corrupt individuals they are. In the wee hours of the morning Mr. Schiff proposed an amendment whereby Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts, who is presiding over the Senate trial and who himself was appointed to the bench by a Republican president (Bush II), would have the final say over whether or not a proposed witness is relevant and would be heard from. The Republicans struck even that measure down.

Tells you all that you need to know.

That what is taking place right now in this same chamber mirrors so closely what happened in a film that came out 81 years ago is sad. But it’s true.

The Worst And The Whitest

Read this tweet to compare what’s going down right now with what went down during then President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial. And remember, the “crime” Clinton committed was lying about having oral sex in the Oval Office with a member of his staff (yes, Beavis, I wrote both “member” and “staff”).

Here’s an easy analogy to explain how the White House and its lawyers are behaving: Say they’re the school yard bully holding your glasses high above your head and demanding you read a note. And you’ve told them you want to read the note and will do so if you can just have your glasses back. And they say, “If you can read the note, why do you need your glasses?” And this keeps going round and round.

That’s what’s happening in our “venerable” Senate right now. Please note: I was never the bully or the bespectacled kid. I was probably eating a sloppy joe.

The Kid’s In The Hall

Twenty seasons. Five World Series rings. Sixth all-time in base hits and most games played by a Yankee. Derek Jeter (“Number 2, Derek Jeter”) came up one vote shy of being the second player ever elected unanimously (teammate Mariano Rivera is the only one) to the Baseball Hall of Fame. So now No. 2 is No. 2 all-time in terms of percentage of voters who put them on their ballot (99.7%). We don’t yet know who the outlier was but you might guess he lives in New England.

A few years back I wrote an appreciation of Jeter in Newsweek, comparing him to Jerry Seinfeld.

Uh, Larry Walker was also elected, just barely, eh.

“The Cincinnati Bengals Are On The Dock”

At some point in the 1990s at Sports Illustrated our beloved writer Jack McCallum (that dude who managed to get along with EVERYONE) was put in charge of Scorecard, and I’m pretty sure it was he who came up with the weekly segment “This Week’s Sign That The Apocalypse Is Upon Us.” The “Apocalypse” note was a way of winking at the absurdity of American sports, or our values, without sounding like a shrew week in and week out.

A brilliant idea. The world’s going down in flames. You can either get mad about it each week or you can go Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes…

So here’s the NFL, earnestly informing us that the 2020 NFL Draft will take place outside at the fountains in front of the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. And that players picked will be whisked by boat up to the stage (P.J. Fleck has to love that). And let there be show girls. Plenty of show girls.

Every draftee should also shake the hand of Wayne Newton upon reaching the stage, no? And let’s hope next month’s NFL combine includes a swim test, or are you prepared to jump in and save Derrick Brown if his boat capsizes?

Five Films: 1999*

  1. The Matrix: Never mind the revolutionary filming techniques or the slick costumes. The story is something right out of a Ray Bradbury novel and looking back 20-plus years, unbelievably prescient. The matrix IS real, Neo. But the line I’ve also never forgotten? Man is a virus. 2. The Sixth Sense: It was a few scenes in, when Bruce Willis was talking to Haley Joel Osment’s mom in the living room, that I began to figure out the conceit. You? 3. Galaxy Quest: Tim Allen’s other space man character is more likeable than Buzz Lightyear. With an incredible supporting cast that included Tony Shalhoub, Sigourney Weaver, Sam Rockwell and Alan Rickman. By Grapthar’s hammer… 4) The Blair Witch Project: I’ve never seen it a second time, but the first time I saw it I did not fall asleep at all that night. That’s the mark of a great horror film. 5) Office Space: What makes it both funny and sad is that it’s all so accurate.

*We left out one film because the first rule of that film is that it does not exist.

3 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. Low blow on your Larry Walker mention. He’s only the 2nd Canadian to make the Baseball HOF. For a country, and a whole lot of baseball fans, fans who need some good things to cheer about, his induction is a thing to celebrate. He’s worthy of the honour and demeaning that is a cheap shot. Expected better than this from you.

  2. “The world’s going down in flames. You can either get mad about it each week or you can go Kurt Vonnegut.” John, these are two sentences that I love. I hope more than half your readers might understand them. It made me sit upright in my chair and type you my compliment! I think we have lost an era of sports writing, but maybe those writers have insights elsewhere. Keep your blog alive, thanks!

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