IT’S ALL HAPPENING! 10/9

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Starting Five

1. J.J. Watt is Kid Dy-no-MITE! Good times at Met Life Stadium last night for Watt, who was simply dominant for the Houston Texans from the defensive tackle spot. Watt had a sack and batted down two passes — he leads the NFL in both categories –as the Texans won 23-17 to remain undefeated. Watt’s performance, and the victory, were tempered by the news that linebacker Brian Cushing tore his ACL. Still, the 6-5, 295-pound Watt, a former walk-on at Wisconsin who is just 23, was transcendent. A beast.

Texans: “Ain’t we lucky we got him? Good Tiiiiiii-ay-ay-imes!”

2. Mila Kunis is Esquire’s “Sexiest Woman Alive”. We like Mila Kunis but our feeling has long been, and will remain, that unless Leo DiCaprio has dated you, you probably don’t deserve said honorific.

3. Alex Rodriguez, the potential tying run, strikes out to end playoff game. Was anybody surprised?  That’s four five K’s for the Yanks’ $29 million-per-annum No. 3 hitter in the first two games of the ALDS. He also has the lowest batting average, admittedly in a tiny sample size, of anyone with more than 1 AB in the series (.111). It’s tied at 1-1 between Baltimore and New York.

4. Jerry Sandusky to be sentenced today. Yesterday, on the eve of his sentencing, Sandusky issued a jailhouse statement that reads:  “They could take away my life, they could make me out as a monster, but they can’t take away my heart. In my heart I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts.” It’s not quite William Wallace-grade rhetoric. UPDATE: Sandusky, 68, is sentenced to 30 to 60 years.

5. Not that many had Oregon State penciled in to play for the BCS Championship –the Beavers are not even the best team within a 40-mile radius of Corvallis — but the 4-0 team, currently ranked 10th in the AP poll, has lost quarterback Sean Mannion indefinitely to a knee injury. Mannion’s backup is named Cody Vaz.

Reserves

Donald Trump, appearing on CNBC this morning, refers to NBC’s Chuck Todd as, “Your political reporter, who’s extremely average.” We reluctanctly agree wih The Donald.

Slow Food: A new poll of drive-thrus reveals that Burger King has the slowest drive-thru (200 seconds) while Wendy’s has the fastest (129 seconds on average). We thought Arby’s had the fastest drive-thru because, after all, no one ever visits.

If you watch television, then you have been subjected ceaselessly to anadiplosis this year. Is it dangerous? Should you consult a physician? Answer below.

Kansas only trailed No. 7 Kansas State by a touchdown at halftime last Saturday, but in the second half the Wildcats went on a 35-2 run. What did Jayhawk coach Charlie Weis do in the aftermath? He spent six hours watching film of the game on Saturday night. The following day, he had the seniors run and lift weights while having everyone else on the squad practice.  “You have to develop your current squad, but you also have to develop your future squad,” said Weis.That’ll do wonders for leadership.

(Depressingly) Quotable: We all know that we can still go to the Big Ten championship and still play in the Rose Bowl. So this game didn’t really matter a lot. But we lost. Too bad that we lost. We could have won. But we can still go to the Rose Bowl.”  — Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez after the Huskers’ 63-38 loss to Ohio State, who cannot go to the Rose Bowl

Have you read or seen the GQ story about Juan Jose Padilla, the matador who had his eye gouged out by a bull a year ago this week? He’s returning to the bullring with one eye. Astounding piece. (to be clear, we attended one bullfight and while it may have been cool in Hemingway’s time, we were sickened… and rooting for the bulls).

 

This is not Eduardo Corrochio

 

Flori-Duh: Dateline, Deerfield Beach– Edward Archbold, 32, wins a roach-eating contest at a pet store (the prize was an $850 Burmese Python), then collapses and dies. Believe it or not, former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan actually tweeted, “Just FYI — If you’re allergic to shellfish, you’re also allergic to roaches. We found that out the hard way on Fear Factor.” Yes, but not as hard a way as Archbold, who actually dialed 911 himself before keeling over, did.

Answer: Anadiplosis is not a disease, but rather a rhetorical device. It is the repetition of the last word or phrase of a preceding clause in the following sentence, and Direct TV has been employing it in their outstanding ads all year. “When your cable company keeps you on hold, you get angry. When you get angry, you blow off steam. When you blow off steam

Easily the best ad of 2012. We especially love the placement of the racket in the final scene.

By the way, if the narrator’s voice in those spots sounds familiar, it should. It’s Robb Webb, the V/O person for 60 Minutes. We have searched for the name of the lead actor in the “Don’t Wake Up in a Roadside Ditch” to no avail, but if you have his name, please let us know.

So CNN reports that the fastest-growing religinon in the USA is “no religion.” We can see it now: “The Book of Maher-mon.”

Bringing fire to the rain

Speaking of which, here is why Tim Tebow cannot work with the Jets. Faith is not something into which you dip your toes. If you’re gonna have faith — Tim Tebow faith, not George Michael faith — you must fully immerse yourself in what you believe. But the Jets have not and most likely will not do that with Tebow, who himself noted that he was playing in the “666th Monday Night Football game” last night. Rex Ryan foolishly believes he can employ Tebow situationally, as he did last night, the way a lapsed Christian only prays when he really, really needs something (like front-row seats to Springsteen). Religion doesn’t work that way; neither does Tebow. You’d think the people who make decisions in the NFL know that you can’t be a Palm Sunday Catholic in terms of using Tebow. You must be an evangelist.

One thought on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING! 10/9

  1. Is it bad that I got J.C. Watts and J.J. Watt confused initially before he really started getting going?

    Anidiplosis is much more popular than its west-coast equivalent, Nancyplosis.

    So trolling for traffic with the shirtless Tebow. The search engines, they find it through divination, even if you don’t use the actual phrase.

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