Six days have passed since the most recent episode of Game of Thrones, and I still am obsessed with the verbal duel that took place between Varys and Littlefinger (a.k.a., Petyr Baelish) near the end of the program. Sheer brilliance, and the poetry of the lines approached Shakespearian levels. I’m not kidding. And as for Littlefinger (Irish actor Aidan Gillen), he should win a Best Supporting Actor Emmy bolstered by this scene. Gillen has completely usurped Peter Dinklage’s role as most intriguing conniver inside King’s Landing this season.

“Only the ladder is real…the climb is all there is.”

There are certain moments in a series when a musical montage near the end of an episode becomes a transcendent moment. Goosebumps moment. I think immediately of the “Fix You” scene from The Newsroom or “The Man With the Miniature Orchestra” montage (by Dave Algonquin, a.k.a. Kenny Cosgrove) as well as “Lane Pryce vs. Peter Campbell (same episode) from the “Signal 30″ episode of Mad Men last season. Or, retreating further, the “Light and Day” montage from Scrubs (music, plus the cameo, by The Polyphonic Spree) (true story: immediately after watching this scene, I walked to Tower Records on Broadway and bought this CD; that retail space is now an Apple store…so it goes…also, The Polyphonic Spree’s show at Irving Plaza in 2004 is one of the five best live shows I’ve ever seen), a show that lived for montages, or the epic Jordan Catalano bows to Angela Chase scene from My So-Called Life, the best one-year wonder in TV history (music here by Buffalo Tom).

These are more than television scenes. They are symphonies. And when Hollywood wonders why so many of us rarely go to the movies, my reply is that I’m not going to spend $13 on a film until you can make one as compelling as what I am watching on AMC (Mad Men, Breaking Bad) or HBO (Game Of Thrones, The Newsroom).

Anyhoo, I’ve decided to deconstruct, as best as I am able, the “Chaos is A Ladder” scene for you. First, of course, you should watch it again or see it for the first time. Here it is.

OPEN: Petyr Baelish is seated next to the throne (oh, lookie! symbolism from the very outset), a chair forged from “one thousand blades” as his rival/colleague, Varys, enters the royal chamber. They are the best of frienemies and this is hardly the first verbal duel they’ve undertaken in this very room over the series’ two-plus seasons).

Varys: “A thousand blades. Taken from the hands of Aegon’s fallen enemies. Forged in the fiery breath of Valyrian the Dread.”

Littlefinger: “There aren’t a thousand blades. There aren’t even 200. I’ve counted.”

Two lines and already we have conflict and disagreement. Varys repeating the myth, while Baelish, a.k.a. Littlefinger, destroys it with facts. Littlefinger is the Nathaniel Philbrick of Westeros, punching holes in the stories we learn in childhood and repeat forever without ever stopping to wonder if they are based in fact (highly recommended reading: “The Last Stand” and “Mayflower”, though I caution you, if you repeat any of the truths contained therein, you could be fired from a college sports website. Be advised).

Afterward, Littlefinger accurately counted the number of jelly beans in that giant jar and won a prize.

Varys: “Huh! I’m sure you have. Ugly, old thing. Yet it has a certain appeal. The Lysa Arryn of chairs. Shame you had to settle for your second choice.”

Oh, that’s cold, Varys. I don’t care what your anatomical reality is, that took balls. Varys is referring to the sister of Catelyn Stark, the woman whom Baelish has been in love with his entire mature life (though, c’mon, any idiot can see that Littlefinger is a “sword swallower through and through” and it is HE who should probably be married off to Loras Tyrell, but we’ll agree to suspend our disbelief if you will. At the very least he is King’s Landing’s most eligible metrosexual).

Littlefinger: “Early days, my friend. It is flattering, really, you feeling such dread at the prospect of me getting what I want.”

Early days, my friend. I like that. I’m using that the next time someone disses me. Also, you have to love the confidence from within Baelish as he utters those words.

Varys: “Thwarting you has never been my primary ambition, I promise you. Although who doesn’t like to see their friends fail now and then?”

As a previous blogger on another site noted (I believe it was on Grantland, but I’m not positive), this is the Morrissey Postulate: “We hate it when our friends become successful.” And, let’s face it, that’s true (for what it’s worth, Rick Reilly has called Morrissey a “genius.” I don’t disagree.)

Littlefinger: “You’re so right. For instance, when I thwarted your plan to give Sansa Stark to the Tyrells if, I’m going to be honest, I did feel an unmistakable sense of…enjoyment there. But your confidante, the one who fed you information about my plans, the one you swore to protect: you didn’t bring her any enjoyment. And she didn’t bring me any enjoyment. She was a bad investment on my part.

And here is where the scene really begins to generate heat (somewhere Samwell has taken a log off the fire). Littlefinger descends the stairs and approaches Varys. His phrasing, the pace of his verbiage, is delicious (although I do admit that shampoo ad coming to mind — “I told two friends…and they told two friends…and so on…”). “You didn’t bring her any enjoyment. And she didn’t bring me any enjoyment.” It’s hard out there for a pimp.

The Petyr Baelish of Memphis…

And then… we learn just how vicious Littlefinger can be. Cross him and he may crossbow you.

Littlefinger:  “Luckily, I have a friend who wants to try something new. Something daring. And he was so grateful to me for providing this fresh…experience.”

And if you noticed the symmetry between Joffrey’s aim and Arya Stark’s with her non-crossbow earlier in the episode, well, that was purely intentional. I have not read the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series, but I foresee a showdown between those two somewhere in the future. The butcher’s boy’s death must be avenged… as must Ned Stark’s, of course. Also, notice how the low piano keys kick in. Your cue that the scene has progressed to high drama.

Varys: “I did what I did for the good of the realm.”

Paging Dick Cheney. Come in, Dick Cheney.

Littlefinger: “The realm. Do you know what the realm is? It’s the thousand blades of Aegon’s enemies, a story we agree to tell each other over…and over…til we forget that it’s a lie.”

We refer to them pilgrims and patriots. The Native Americans might have referred to them as “enemy combatants.”

 Varys: “But what do we have left once we abandon the lie? Chaos. A gaping pit waiting to swallow us all.”

Ah, the entropy argument. Also, the NCAA’s argument for why student-athletes shouldn’t be paid. It’s funny what happens when you leave things to nature: nature finds its way. Immediately after this meeting Varys will approach Tywin Lannister and argue that all carbonated beverages in King’s Landing must max out at 16 ounces.

Littlefinger: “Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail, and never get to try again. The fall breaks them.”

Translation: For those born and raised in the upper strata, chaos is terrifying. But for the overwhelming majority who are not given the silver spoon, chaos equals opportunity. It’s kind of like how Wall Street was strictly capitalist until the chaos of 2008, and then it became the biggest fans of socialism you’ve ever seen. That is, until the bailout. And then it reverted to capitalism. Chaos, agreed the big banks and the politicians who suck from its teats come campaign financing time, is a pit. It isn’t capitalism OR socialism that either are in favor of: It’s power. And when you already have power, chaos is the last thing you want.

For Petyr Baelish, who has ascended from being a nobody to one of the most powerful men in all of Westeros, chaos is exactly what you want. It’s your only chance, in fact. As for those who try to climb it and fail, he refers to those who take foolish risks or overplay their hands.

Littlefinger: “And some are given a chance to climb, but they refuse. They cling to the realm, or the gods, or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.”

In love with both a prince and a fairy.

Oh, Sansa Stark. You stupid, beautiful, stupid, idealistic, stupid girl. Listen, when the man you love corrects you for calling a broache a “pin” that is, as Charles Ramsey might say, “a dead giveaway. Deaaaaaad giveaway.” Also, this is Littlefinger channeling the ethos of Werner Herzog. We live in an amoral wilderness, and all that matters is survival. The climb equals survival, and as Littlefinger says, “The climb is all there is.” Ask any animal currently inhabiting the Serengeti Plain.

Sansa: Get your ass outta that House…of Lannister!

It’s a cold, cynical, dark and, dare I say it, accurate world view.

But, of course, the episode does not end there. We move immediately from Littlefinger’s metaphorical climb to Jon Snow’s quite literal and exhausting one up The Wall (minus Sherpas, we might add). And from a very unforgiving, amoral world to a wall-top vista that provides wonder and hope. Yes, Roberto Benignini, life is beautiful! And, look, there is love. And that final frame, of Jon Snow and his babe from the wrong side of the wall, Ygritte, with a gleaming sun and a sublime valley stretching out before them, well, if that ain’t Eden I don’t know what is. The first man — if not the “first of men” — and the first woman.

We are way cooler than that couple on the Amex commercial that ascends that rock in Utah.

It’s Romeo and Juliet meets the Seven Kingdoms. Westeros Side Story.

Myths. Realities. Love. And Hope.

A perfect three minutes of television.

Our intrepid reviewer, Chris Corbellini, tackles Ozzy Osbourne’s hardest-rocking tu– oh, wait, it’s that new Robert Downey, Jr., and Gwyneth Paltrow film.

So let’s scan the bottom line first. Look at all that ridiculous money Iron Man 3 has made so far: $175.3 million in its opening weekend alone. Domestic. That’s an A-Rod contract. This not-quite-summer hit is a lighthouse for the lost-at-sea dreams of wannabe screenwriters everywhere. Go west, young men and women of letters, and claim a fortune in the business, just like Shane Black. The newest Iron Man director made his Malibu mansion dinero by adhering to the staples of old-school action movie writing: a confessional beside a friend in the critical care ward of a hospital, a threat from the hero to a few goons as he strapped to a metal-wiring-type torture device (bonus points if electricity surges through it), and of course the half-scared, witty banter between buddies as they duck behind a cast-iron blockade or rock outcropping while pinned down by bandits.

Ironman 3: It’s Marvel-ous

I’m not pointing out the checklist to criticize it. Somebody talented has got to do it. Snap-crackle-pop is harder to write than to speak, and when it’s good it’s really good. William Goldman won an Oscar when Butch Cassidy and Sundance were trapped in Bolivia and, with no chance of escape, debated the merits of taking their talents to Australia.  In the 1980s Black’s heroes from the “Lethal Weapon” movies, cops Riggs and Murtaugh, decided they will launch a counter-offensive against the baddies on three … but was it 1-2-3 and then go, or 1-2-threeeeeee? Flip forward to May 2013, and Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle are kneeling behind something on a ship as enemy bullets are pinging off metal, and I wondered if that question would be raised again. It wasn’t but what the director came up with was still funny. There are tweaks here and there to the genre and an enjoyable twist in Act 2, and they are welcome because he didn’t need to do so. The casting and the go-go gadgets were going to be 80 percent of this picture, no matter what.

Yes, but will there be a Due Date 2?

Here’s all you need to know about the plot: Tony Stark needs to out-smart some smart-talking bad guys again, in and out of his electric-powered sweat suit that makes him Iron Man. He wears an ID badge in the beginning of the film that says “You know who I am,” and that’s basically the gist from credits to credits. The writer-director slipped in some original bits when he could.

Cheadle: “I’m a long way from the Hotel Rwanda.”

Another new wrinkle: the random, Bond-esque, pony-tailed goons have some fun (they remain terrible shots, however). At one point Stark asks one of them what the distance is between the state of Tennessee and their enemy lair in Florida, and he instantly calculates the mileage before proudly adding “I’m good like that.” The biggest chuckle of the movie came moments later, when a henchman puts up his hands and offers “Honestly? I hate working here. They are SO weird.” Black himself had designs on being an actor (he was the bookish Hawkins in “Predator,” and was slaughtered almost immediately), so perhaps that’s the reason he gave even the small parts scrumptious lines. There is also a helpful kid that follows Stark around (Ty Simpkins) for a stretch of the movie, and he’s allowed to be clever as well.

Gwyneth: “This movie is so un-fun! It’s boiling. Oh, wait, that’s the Met Gala.”

Not that the leads slack here. Gwyneth Paltrow (ever the Prom Queen), Ben Kingsley (diabolical), Guy Pearce (benches the most weight in the picture), Rebecca Hall (smart, sensible, screwed) and even Paul Bettany, the disembodied voice of Stark’s Jarvis, grip it and rip it when necessary. I thought Cheadle had the least to do. In the third movie it’s tradition for the production to shove 15 pounds of groceries in a 10 pound bag, and something usually falls out. I’m sure Cheadle was OK with it. Another tradition in a third movie, provided your character survives to that point, is an oh-good-lord paycheck.

The creatives put real money into the pretty pictures, too. The two set pieces from the trailer – the Stark Estate attack and the Air Force One rescue – are obviously well-staged and lensed by a true pro, Director of Photography John Toll. Yet before the movie began the latest 3-D trailer for “Man of Steel” unspooled to a rousing score by composer Hans Zimmer, and the mix of imagery and music was so intoxicating I wondered if the makers of Iron Man 3 could have set the effects bar even higher. There were also some continuity issues with the first two Iron Man movies. Tony Stark is supposed to be part Chuck Yeager test pilot, part Walter White science whiz, but human and thus physically vulnerable. Yet in Part 3, Stark makes at least five jumps high atop that ship in the finale, sans suit, that Bob Beamon would not have pulled off in Mexico City.

Bigger picture, I couldn’t miss the similarities between one of the “terrorist” explosions in the film and the footage of the Patriots Day bombings on Boylston Street. An unnerving moment in what is otherwise a fast-moving, amiable story. Maybe it was just me.

The box office tally keeps growing thanks to all of us. Landing Downey for all three flicks was the best casting choice Marvel Studios ever made … he’s a ping-pong ball that rolled off the table, forcing you to give chase down the hallway.  In Goldman’s terrific book “Adventures in the Screen Trade,” he tells a story about a star of Downey’s caliber that has a scene where he must show weakness – calling out to be rescued to a love interest on the beach while drowning off-shore. The performer in question said he’d act it out as written, with one caveat: what if he was in fact a terrific swimmer and in no real danger, but wanted the love interest to FEEL like she was saving him? Let it be known that Downey was not a slave to his ego at the completion of this trilogy. He was having too much fun to care, probably.

Mr. Iron Man must have put a good word in for Black, too, with Marvel. The two worked together on “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” back in 2005 when the actor was still rehabbing his image and didn’t have the options he has today. Now they might as well be celebrating with fistfuls of moolah atop the Hollywood sign. Iron Man 3 is better than 2 yet not as good as the original, and it doesn’t matter. The global tally may hit $1 billion, giving Black a credit line of at least one studio picture where he and Downey can really rip off some funny stuff together without the requisite super-duper villain to conquer. Perhaps an iron barrier will be involved, though. Bullets can’t hit you while you and your partner are crouched behind one, firing back one-liners.

Starting Five

1. What Goes Up…

The new tallest building in the western hemisphere is One World Trade Center, a.k.a. The Freedom Tower, in lower Manhattan. It became so earlier this morning when the broadcast spire was affixed to the top. Frankly, we think that that’s cheating (the roof is the top of the building) but doubt anyone will listen to us on this one.

2. What Comes Down…

The western hemisphere’s tallest structure is completed, as the eastern hemisphere’s deadliest structure –the eight-story Rana Plaza garment factory that collapsed in Dhaka, Bangladesh –yields a minor miracle. A woman who had been trapped in the rubble since its collapse on April 24 was found alive yesterday. Her name is Reshma. and she had been in the basement when the building went down. Reshma located enough food and water within her cove of sanctuary to survive for 17 days… it’s been a good week for women trapped for ungodly amounts of time in a hellish prison… by the way, as predicted here yesterday, the death toll has surged past 1,000 to, officially, 1,039.

3. For only the third time in Major League history, a pair of reigning Cy Young Award winners face one another as Toronto’s R.A. Dickey dueled against Tampa Bay’s David Price at the Trop. Neither pitcher was involved in the decision as the Rays won in the 10th inning on a walk-off walk. The previous Cy Young duels featured Tom Glavine (Braves) and Roger Clemens (Yankees) in 1999 and Frank Viola (Mets) versus Orel Hershiser (Dodgers) in 1989. Clemens and Viola had both pitched for different teams the previous season. These are the stories I am compelled to report when the NBA playoffs take the night off. What did you expect me to discuss? Hockey?

Meanwhile, Mariano Rivera records two saves in the past two days at Coors Field. Mo now has 13 saves in as many chances this season, tying him with two others for the MLB lead. The Panamanian ace also now has saved games in 31 stadiums, which is worth noting since there are only 30 teams in the MLB. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? The Yankees are going to persuade (i.e. $$$) Mo, baseball’s all-time saves leader with 621 and counting, not to retir

4. Maxim releases it “Hot 100 List” of uberbabes and somehow perpetually pickled Paulina Gretzky fails to make the list (while Lennay Kekua does not…inspired idea there, lads). Do you really want to live in a world in which Gretzky, Diane Kruger, Bar Rafaeli, SI Swimsuit Rookie of the Year Kate Bock, the Mother of Dragons, Tiger’s ex, Jessica Biel, Gwyneth Paltrow (whom another rag recently named ”Most Beautiful Woman”) the DirecTV genie, Tina Fey AND that chick who likes her men completely hairless “and, no, she doesn’t think that’s weird (“I don’t”)” are not in the Hot 100 but Hoda Kotb, Kelly Cuoco and Emma Watson are? I don’t.

Honestly, if this list were any worse I’d think that it was compiled by the editors of Rolling Stone.

Rafaeli still has a chance to be named to Maxim’s “100 Best Bars in America.”

Also, worth noting: Gwyneth attended the Met Gala on Monday but yesterday said that she is never going to attend again. “It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.” Gwyneth’s rant instantly landed her both a wing in the White Girl Problems Hall of Fame and atop Gala organizer –and serial woman not-to-be-trifled-with– Anna Wintour’s sh*t list.

5. The Most Popular Girl and Boy Baby Names of 2012.

Girls: 1. Sophia 2. Emma 3. Isabella 4. Olivia 5. Ava 6. Emily 7. Abigail 8. Mia 9. Madison 10. Elizabeth

Boys 1. Jacob 2. Mason 3. Ethan 4. Noah 5. William 6. Liam 7. Jayden 8. Michael 9. Alexander 10. Aiden

Are you thinking what I am thinking? Where is Barkevious?

More on its way later. We are off to boot camp in Central Park with the steakateria’s fittest (and funniest) server.

Reserves

Monster

Let’s not even attempt to pretend for a moment that we can imagine the horrors that the three females imprisoned in the home on 2007 Seymour Avenue in Cleveland endured. However, it is details such as this one included in the police report that allow for a more facile understanding of the evil that lurks within him: on the dates of their abductions, Ariel Castro would serve them cake as an anniversary celebration. That is twisted.

Prosecutors are suggesting the death penalty. I suggest we lock Ariel in a room with Theon’s tormentor from Game of Thrones. Or, chain him up in a room with the three women, provide them access to all of the SAW films, and let nature take its course.

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Every runner’s nightmare. At least being hit by a car is swift. I’m the biggest animal fan out there –my cat agrees –but pit bulls are literally a different breed. Not sure people should be allowed to own them without paying a huge licensing fee or passing a course first. They’re deadly creatures.

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FLORI-DUH: Add “being attacked by an alligator while evading arrest” to the list, please.

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Speaking of wild creatures, I love that David Letterman endeavors to feature them on his show as frequently as he does, courtesy of Columbus Zoo guru Jack Hanna, who is as nutty a recurrent guest as Harvey Pekar –another Ohioan– was in the Eighties. I see a lot of Louis CK in Letterman: a curmudgeon on the surface, but in reality someone who is trying to shake us by our smartphones and remind us what a beautiful world is out there, if we’d only pay attention and perhaps cherish it. Anyway, favorite moment of last night was when Hanna wanted to demonstrate how a scorpion glows in the dark and so, without explanation, tells Dave, “Reach in my pocket and get a flashlight. (go to 2:40 mark).
I’m quite positive that Hanna’s batty old man act is just that, but it’s still very entertaining.

From last night: Dave reacts after a young jaguar attempts to give him a “love bite.”

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British Olympic sailor Andrew “Bart” Simpson loses his life when a 72-foot catamaran he was sailing in San Francisco Bay capsizes. The 11  other crew members survive. Here’s footage from the accident. Simpson won a gold medal in Beijing and a silver medal last summer in London. He was training in San Francisco for the upcoming America’s Cup, which will be staged there next month.

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As part of my never-ending quest to get more music fans to appreciate Joe Jackson, here’s the ’80s British artist performing a duet with Aussie Mindy Jostyn in 1991. Jostyn died of cancer in 2005.

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 Remote Patrol

San Antonio Spurs at Golden State Warriors, Game 3

ESPN 10:30 p.m.

It’s a golden age for the Golden State’s northern half: The Giants recently won their second World Series in the past three years — without ever being considered the best team in baseball at any time during this era –, the 49ers advanced to the Super Bowl and the arrow is only pointing up, and now the Warriors have the premier young backcourt in basketball in Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson. Oh, and if you happen to be there, you can head to BottleRock tomorrow, where Saturday’s lineup features Kings of Leon,  Jane’s Addiction and Jackson Browne.

Golden State’s and Nigeria’s Festus Ezeli: Eight different countries and five different continents are represented in this series.

–JW

Starting Five

Steakateria a.m., so this is briefer than I’d like it to be (though not you, perhaps). Will add more later.

1. Feat of Klay

Second-year guard Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors scores 34 points and plucks 14 rebounds as the NBA playoffs’ newest darlings pummel San Antonio,100-91. It was Golden State’s first victory in that city since 1997 and its first road win in a second-round playoff game since 1991. And you know what? The Spurs should be concerned, even if coach Gregg Popovich’s interviews with David Aldridge between the third- and fourth-quarters suggest otherwise.

Thompson’s father, Mychal, was the first overall pick of the 1978 NBA draft.

Aldridge last night, for his second question, asked Pop Star if Golden State’s magnificent backcourt might compel SAS to go small in the fourth quarter. Pop: “Are you going to keep it to yourself?” Aldridge: “Yes.” Pop: “Then, yes.”

2. “Do I hear 1,000?”

More than two weeks after the garment factory in Bangladesh collapsed on April 24, authorities are still pulling victims’ bodies out of the rubble. Yesterday the death toll was put at 912. Stay tuned.

3. Flori-Duh: I forgot, in an earlier post in which I noted the most likely scenarios that merit a “Flori-Duh”-type item, to include “sexy high school teacher.” My apologies, and here you are.

Olivia Sprauer: As high school teachers go, she wasn’t exactly Mr. Hand.

4. If you missed Jimmy Fallon’s lip-sync battle with John Krasinski, well, this is worth watching. Fallon’s version of Melissa Manchester’s “Don’t Cry Out Loud” and Krasinski’s rendition of Run-DMC’s “Peter Piper” stand out. Speaking of lip-dub maneuvers, this wedding proposal is one year old, but if you haven’t already seen it, well, take that Harvard baseball team.

5. Instant replay should –should — eliminate mistakes such as this, so why does it not? A blown call by umpire Angel Hernandez on a home run costs the Oakland A’s a chance to tie their game with the Cleveland Indians in the 9th inning. Hernandez can be forgiven for missing the call live, but how do you watch the replay and not see the baseball carom off the railing above the left-center field wall?

Manny Acta, on ESPN: “We spent 144 years without instant replay. We added it. We’re supposed to get these things right.”

Reserves

Lonely Island releases a “Wack Wednesday” video in conjunction with “Between Two Ferns.” “And marry a man!” Cameo by Ed Norton. Warning: NSFP (Not Safe For Phyllis).

Starting Five

1. Hey, bro, we don’t need no more POE-lice. We need more people like Charles Ramsey. Good people. McDonald’s kind of people. After a weekend in which “Ironman 3″ was released and has already earned more than $623 million worldwide, a far more compelling figure, a dishwasher who rides his bike to the Golden Arches to procure himself Big Macs, became the most interesting man in the country. At least for one day.

Charles Ramsey: The best Spike Lee film since “Do The Right Thing.”

“Hey bro, check this out. I just came from McDonald’s right? So I’m on my porch eating my little food, right? This broad is trying to break out the f—–g house next door to me, so there’s a bunch of people on the street right now and s–t. So we’re like, ‘What’s wrong, what’s the problem?’ She’s like, ‘This m——–r done kidnapped me and my daughter … She said her name is Linda Berry or some s–t. I don’t know who the f–k that is, I just moved over here, bro. You know what I mean?”

– Charles Ramsey’s 911 call

Somehow three females were held captive in a home for a decade or so and yet it is Ramsey, the man who helped free them (without, I assume, ever letting go of his Royale with Cheese), who has become the viral superstar. Anderson Cooper, who lives in a cryogenic chamber in a hangar at the Teterboro Airport, quickly whisked his silver-haired self off to Cleveland in order to beat Carl Monday to the exclusive. Too late, A.C.. Reporter John Kosich of Cleveland ABC affiliate WEWS was the first one on the scene and scored the spontaneous interview that will live forever on YouTube.

I don’t dance to salsa, though. I’m more into “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus

By the way, am I the only sicko who wonders how many other such women are being held against their will in a similar fashion all across the country (“Don’t make me hurt your dog…”). (and I just realized that people drive and sing along to Tom Petty tunes in both “The Silence of the Lambs” and “Jerry Maguire.”)

2. Tom Seaver. Dwight Gooden. And now, Matt Harvey. The New York Mets aren’t very good, but –sorry, Mr. Strasburg — they do have the best young arm in baseball. Last night the 24 year-old right-hander, who is built like a casa for poopin’ made of dried clay, was perfect through 6 2/3 innings despite being bothered by a bloody nose in the early frames. Harvey went nine innings, allowed one hit (an infield single with two outs in the 7th frame), no walks, no runs and struck out 12. Of course, since Harvey pitches for the Mets, he did not get the win. The Citi Field Follies broke a scoreless tie in the 10th to defeat the Chicago White Sox. Harvey, who made his Major League debut only last July, is 4-0 with a 1.28 ERA (2nd-best in baseball) and 0.69 WHIP (best in the game).

Harvey Fireball (see, as opposed to Harvey Fierstein?)

3. Mis-Happ

Strangely, and awfully, enough, Harvey was not the only pitcher to bleed from a cranial orifice while on the mound Tuesday night. Toronto Blue Jay pitcher J.A. Happ took a comeback line drive from Desmond Jennings off the left side of his foreheadl and slumped to the mound at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg. Happ was carted off the field and taken to a local hospital for tests.

4. Vultures. Volcanoes. Don’t go hiking in the Pyrenees…or in the Philippines.

5. Matt Kemp: The Coolest Man in Sports this week. The boy, Joshua Jones, requires a wheelchair and is unable to speak, according to a story by Tim Brown of Yahoo! Sports. His father, Steve Jones, had told Dodger third-base coach Tim Wallach before the game that his son is dying and that his favorite player is Matt Kemp. Wallach passed along the story to Kemp, who made the final out in what was the Dodgers’ fourth consecutive loss. And yet Kemp waited for Wallach in the dugout after that out and told him that he wanted to visit the boy. There’s at least one Los Angeles angel who does not play in Anaheim.

Yes, Matt Kemp will give you the shirt off his back

Also, I’d invite Chris Broussard to watch this video. THIS is a Christian. Defined by his actions, not  by his bedmate.

Reserves

Do you love wine? Of course you do. You love music festivals, too, don’t you? And yet how does one fill the void of time between April and Coachella and early June and Bonnaroo (“Jazzfest!” you say. Hush. I’m trying to make a point here)? I give you the inaugural BottleRock music festival in Napa Valley, Calif., being decanted this weekend. Despite the absence of April Wine (would seem to be a no-brainer), the lineup is impressive: Kings of Leon, Black Keys, Jane’s Addiction, both Jackson Browne and the Zac Brown Band, Violent Femmes, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, The Flaming Lips and Cake, among others. I looked but did not see The Obesity Epidemic on the bill.

Bottlerock: Is there a corking fee?

An annual rite of spring: Staying up past Prudent O’clock to watch Ernie, Kenny and Sir Charles discuss hoops and life during the NBA playoffs. The best part about their late-night gabfests is that there never seems to be a time slot. Will this post-game show last 20 minutes? Two hours? I guess it all depends on whether TNT feels like dropping another episode of “Cold Case” on us. Meanwhile, last night someone mentioned Skip Bayless to Ernie’s fill-in, Matt Weiner, and Barkley interjected, “If I could get Skip Bayless into a room, they’d need DNA evidence to find out who it was afterwards.”

From the “You’re Not Shocked” Dept.

Tim Lambesis, lead singer of the Christian heavy-metal band As I Lay Dying (I don’t know about you, but if I’m a heavy metal band naming myself after a William Faulkner novel, I’m going with “The Sound and The Fury“), is arrested for plotting to have his estranged wife killed. Which sort of contradicts the band’s Christian message, I would suppose.

One band that will not be playing BottleRock this weekend.

Gregg Popovich. You should love this man. His team is trailing at home by 12 to start the fourth quarter, and maybe that’s why TNT’s David Aldridge chose not to ask more than one question during the between quarters interview. No coach is more intimidating than Pop, after all. And so of course this is the moment Pop chooses to inform us that he has a sense of humor. Aldridge thanks Popovich after one question and Pop just stares at him, surprised. “No second question, hunh? I’m hurt.” And who won the game? Exactly.

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Every few months (or is it weeks?) Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone bellows that the sky is falling, provides indisputable evidence of this fact, and yet no one pays attention. His latest article, “Everything is Rigged”, only uncovers THE LARGEST INCIDENCE OF FRAUD IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, but, you know, meh. My favorite line comes after Taibbi details an exchange between two traders in which one agree to lowball his daily LIBOR rate in exchange for day-old sushi: “Screwing around with world interest rates in exchange for day-old sushi–it’s hard to imagine an image that better captures the moral insanity of the modern financial-services sector.”

The UBS trading floor: American Psychos.

You need to read this story. More importantly, you need to comprehend the gravity of what is transpiring. These I-bankers –not all bankers, mind you; there are one or two decent ones out there — are the true “enemy combatants.”

“Let’s talk about the miscellaneous!” This on-line interview featuring Bill Simmons, David Jacoby and Jalen Rose quickly evolved from a discussion on why great shooters are more comfortable at home to the fine art of procuring seats for both your spouse and your mistress (“roadkill”). Stuff you won’t hear during the KIA Halftime Report (but that you would hear on TNT with Sir Charles, et al.)

Also in Rolling Stone, a list of the 100 Best Debut Albums Ever: I’d put “The Cars” in the top 10 –there isn’t a single dud track on the album, and tunes such as “Bye Bye Love” and “All Mixed Up” show genuine maturity — and I don’t know how “Appetite For Destruction” loses out to three nice Jewish boys from Brooklyn who really cannot sing or play any instruments. Also, Pearl Jam’s “10″ finishes 46th??? That rag still has a major beef with Eddie Vedder after all these years.

At worst, “10″ deserved 10th place.

 Remote Patrol: Hotspurs and Spurs Edition

Chelsea vs. Tottenham Hotspur

Fox Soccer Channel 2:30 p.m.

Messi and Ronaldo are so “ayer.” The latest soccer sensation is a 23 year-old Welshman who plays for Tottenham, Gareth Bale (we’ve mentioned him a time or three). The top four Premier League teams qualify for the following season’s UEFA Champions League. Chelsea (20-8-7, 68 points) is currently in third place while Bale’s side is in fifth (19-8-8, 65 points) is in fifth. Arsenal sits in fourth place with 67 points as the season heads into its final two weeks. This is Bale’s moment.

Bale-wolf? (Hey, remember, this is free)

Golden State at San Antonio, Game 2

TNT 9:30 p.m.

It’s likely too much to ask for, that Game 2 be anywhere near as compelling as Game 1. One thing we do know, and Warrior coach Mark Jackson informed his young team of this as well: four previous teams have blown leads of 16 points or greater in the NBA playoffs, and all four have come back to win the following game (I’ll admit, I did not fact-check this; Jackson may just be blowing smoke). Meanwhile, enjoy Stephen Curry on the cover of SI as well as these conceptual designs of the Warriors’ proposed arena on the San Francisco Bay.

“Dress You Up.” Madonna, 54, attends the Met Gala costume ball in NYC.

Starting Five

1. Forget the Alamo. Remember Game 1!

It was only Game 1 in San Antonio, but in a city that is renowned for its memory of historic events, this double-overtime battle between the Spurs and the Golden State Warriors will not soon be forgotten. The Spurs stole this epic not once, but twice.

Golden State, which had last beaten the Spurs in Alamo Town in 1997, led 104-88 with 4:31 remaining and then forgot how to play basketball: 0-6 from the field, 0-2 from the free throw line, two offensive fouls, two turnovers and one shot blocked. The Boot Accessories outscored the Oaklanders 18-2 in that span to force overtime.

The two best shooters in Golden State history have five-letter surnames that end in “-rry.” FWIW.

In the second extra frame, the Warriors battled back from a five-point deficit in the final 1:06 to take the lead on a layup by rookie Kent Bazemore. But if there was going to be hero with eight letters in his surname arranged in consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel order, it could only be one man: GINOBILI! Manu Ginobili, who was one for eight from beyond the arc until that moment, buried a wide-open three with just over one second remaining to seal the victory. To see how the Argentine was so wide open, go to the 1:55 mark of this ESPN highlight (besides, you get to listen to Neil Everett; Is that good? It’s not bad). You’ve got to think Jarrett Jack blew it on the switch, though credit Coach Pop for drawing up a brilliant double-pick play.

e Manu-facturing a victory.

Stephen Curry? He scored 44 points –22 of them in Quarter 3 — and had 11 assists in the defeat. Freaking brilliant. Please don’t let this series end before at least Game 6.

2. The Met Gala, at New York City’s Metropolitan Museum of Art on 5th Avenue (it’s where Harry sang “Surrey with a Fringe on Top” to Sally in that movie with their names in the title), is the second leg of the East Coast Triple Crown of  swanky soirees. The first is the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which was last weekend (I’m not certain what the third leg is, but I’ll look into it).

Klum: She’s still got it.

The theme was Punk Fashion. Check out this poonarama (here’s the gallery) of beautiful belles: Beyoncé, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Biel, Anne Hathaway, Taylor Swift, J-Lo, J-Law (Jennifer Lawrence), Katy Perry, Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Florence Welch, Kylie Minogue, Nikki Minaj, Alicia Keys, and Debbie Harry (that’s a bin-ful of female hit singles), Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady, Gwyneth, Diane Kruger, Rooney and Kate Mara, Julianna Hough, “mature” models Brooklyn Decker and Heidi Klum (no one looked better) and in-their-prime models Anja Rubik and Karlie Kloss, Jessica Alba, both of Don Draper’s wives, January Jones (no one looked scarier) and Zou Bisou Bisou, and both of Jason Sudeikis’ girlfriends, Jones and Olivia Wilde, Uma, Kates Upton and Beckinsale, Blake Lively, Amber Heard, Stacy Kiebler, long-time crush Joely Richardson (who needs to hit the chin-up bar), Tiger and Lindsey, and…

Photographic evidence of a right hand for Jaime Lannister

…Kingslayer.

3. Rose Buds

ESPN devoted much of the afternoon to embracing the debate over whether or not Derrick Rose should return to play in the Bulls’ series with the Heat; Twitter devoted it to that lone dude who did NOT vote for LeBron James for NBA MVP. And then Chicago, which has played as the most cohesive force in the playoffs thus far, went out and stunned the defending champions on their home court in Game 1 in Miami. Bulls 93, Heat 86, thanks to a game-ending 10-0 run and more studly play by the league’s smallest player who still matters, Nate Robinson of the Bulls, who is listed at 5-9 but whose height is probably identical to the numerical value of this date. Robinson, who needed 10 stitches after taking a blow to the lip in the first half,  scored a game-high 27 points. LeBron had 24.

Nate Robinson: You gotta Bull-ieve.

You may recall that it was Chicago that ended Miami’s 27-game win streak earlier this season.

4. “Free at last! Free at last!”

Three women held against their will in Cleveland and I’m not talking about that show with Valerie Bertinelli, Betty White and the nurse from Frasier (there were four? Oh well, I’m not going to let that ruin my joke). Incredibly, the trio had been missing for 10 years and were all kidnap victims being held, allegedly, by a threesome of brothers in one house. This sounds like the worst Lifetime movie ever. Still, you wonder how many other women are in similar predicaments at this very moment and their families have no idea that they’re alive.

5. Big Stick Figure

Because Boston has been newsworthy for other reasons over the past few weeks, you may have missed that Red Sox DH David Ortiz has a 26-game hitting streak going. Big Papi’s streak extends all the way back to July 2, 2012, or 309 days. Ortiz, 37, has been battling a painful Achilles tendon in his right leg and did not play his first game of the 2013 season until April 20 after missing 70 games of the 2012 season. Still, he is batting .426 (that would lead the Majors if he had enough ABs to qualify) and the Red Sox, who beat the Twins in 11 innings last night at Fenway, have baseball’s best record at 21-11.

Hits like, but does not physically resemble, the Splendid Splinter

REMOTE PATROL

Montreal Canadiens at Ottawa Senators

CNBC 7 p.m.

Are you ready, skeedaddy!?! Go directly from “Mad Money” to the most compelling first-round series of the Stanley Cup playoffs as a pair of Canadian clubs square off at Scotiabank Place. The Senators lead the series 2-1 after Sunday’s 6-1 win that included nine game misconduct penalties. So, apparently, no one has forgotten Eric Gyrba’s Game 1 hit on Lars Eller.