IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Gaul-ty Pleasure

Emily Cooper (Lily Collins, above) is what you might refer to as a “Paris-ite.” The latest iteration of An American In Paris, Cooper is a Chicago-based marketer who is spending a year abroad at a subsidiary company, Savoir, while barely learning to learn the local language. If you’ve seen Emily In Paris on Netflix, you’d know that Collins plays Cooper as confident but often, what’s that French word…. naive?

It’s a fun show with a dreamy male chef who looks more like Tom Brady’s kid brother. What really stands out, even more so than Paris, are the costumes. Sacre bleu! If Emily’s apartment could ever even hold all the outfits that she models on the show, that would be the greatest miracle in France since the Virgin Mary’s appearance at Lourdes.

Portal Kombat

Oklahoma quarterback Caleb Williams, a sophomore-to-be, has entered the transfer portal. Last autumn Williams unseated Spencer Rattler, the putative No. 1 overall pick in next April’s draft, in Norman. Rattler has since entered the transfer portal and announced that he will play at South Carolina next year.

After Williams announced he was portal-bound, Dillon Gabriel, who played at UCF last season and had announced he was transferring to UCLA, had a change of heart and announced he was transferring to Oklahoma (whose head coach, Lincoln Riley, transferred to USC last month). But Williams may opt not to transfer. In which case, would Gabriel remain in Norman longer than two minutes? Meanwhile, who is the father of McKenzie’s love child? Will Sheena and Sebastian get back together? When Dr. Kildare’s car plunged off that seaside cliff, were there two or three passengers in the Ferrari? Tune in next week on, As The Portal Turns….

NoVax Djokovic

Earlier this morning it was reported that the Australian Open had granted Novak Djokovic a “medical exemption” (read: He’s not vaxxed) to compete in their Grand Slam tournament. Then the rest of Down Under went upside down in righteous indignation, since that ocean-locked nation has been severely locked down since the pandemic began.

Now it is being reported that NoVax, who has won the Aussie Open a record-nine times, including the last three, is not being allowed into the country. Australian Open? Australia Closed.

Coup Koo

Peter Navarro has always been more of a Donald Trump Goon Squad guy (think Rudy, Larry Kudrow, Pillow Guy) than a true Axis of Evil villain (Pompeo, McConnell, Bannon). One reason he’d be killed off early in the film, by his own crew, is that he 1) he’s too proud of himself and 2) he talks too much.

Not sure what motivated him to appear on Ari Melber’s MSNBC show and give the Jan. 6 Committee more ammo, but that’s what he did las night (Melber: “You realize you’re describing a coup?”). Navarro has always been a charlatan; he used to appear pretty regularly on CNBC. For all I know he still appears on Joe Kernan’s early morning show, which we swore off a few years ago. Regardless, this is a man who once invented an expert, an anagram of Peter Navarro, and placed him inside of his own book as a reputable source supporting his economic theory.

They’re all grifters, folks. And white supremacists. It’s not that hard to figure out.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters*

*I’m not “back.” I’m simply here right now. Believe those were Jesus’ first words to the apostles as soon as they finished the inaugural Easter brunch (writer boy has a messianic complex… to accompany all his other issues). Anyway, after years of waking up in a five-story apartment, often huddling beneath a blanket on the couch as I typed this before taking a subway to work or heading out to serve diners, it’s nice to wake up in the desert on the ground floor and embark on long morning constitutional before sunrise. I’ll type here occasionally between semesters, but it’s nice to be living more of an al fresco existence. Highly recommend. Just don’t move here, please. Kthanxbye.

Urban Out (Fitting)

After 13 games, two wins, one failed Tim Tebow career resuscitation, an ill-fated lap boogie and a kicked kicker, Urban Meyer is out as coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Meyer, often considered (justifiably so) as, at worst, one of the top three coaches in college football this century, has always been problematic. But also, too, before this experiment, successful.

Even as a studio analyst at Fox, Meyer was fantastic. Had he stuck around there another season, Meyer likely would have had his pick of gigs at USC, Oklahoma, LSU or even a return to Gainesville. Now he’s just another wealthy, miserable, middle-aged man in Florida headed toward a divorce and a pickle ball game in The Villages.

Oh, Bitch!-uary

This funny and seriously irreverent obituary could only have been written by a gay, New York City-based son of the deceased. This appeared in multiple newspapers. The subject, above, is Renay Mandel Corren and the son/author is Andy Corren.

Look out, David Sedaris. You’ve got competition.

Thunder, Then Lightning

The finish of last night’s Pelicans-Thunder game was peak-This is what your insane range has wrought, Steph Curry. Thanks a lot…

SMART CAR, SMARTER STOCK

by John Walters

Nikola Tesla was one of the smartest human beings of the industrial age, right up there with Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein and Al Gore. But he never quite earned the accolades in life that he has earned post-mortem, tangentially, via the eponymous car that has now become synonymous with the future.

Tesla’s stock exploded yesterday (up > 12%) on news that Hertz would be ordering 100,000 of its vehicles to add to its fleet. That gong you hear is the future letting petroleum-based automobiles that the end, while maybe more than a tank of gas away, is coming.

Tesla’s stock jump alone yesterday was worth more than the total market cap value of Ford, the embodiment of the 20th-century American automobile. Just the stock jump. Not the total value. Tesla’s up another four percent this morning.

Price values of Tesla stock (TSLA) in the last week of October the past 10 years:

Oct. 31, 2011…. $5.90

Oct. 31, 2012…. $5.91

Oct. 28, 2013… $34.09

Oct. 27, 2014… $48.90

Oct. 28, 2015… $43.42

Oct. 31, 2016… $40.49

Oct. 30, 2017… $66.52

Oct. 29, 2018… $69.84

Oct. 29, 2019… $68.16

Oct. 26, 2020… $430.50

Oct. 26, 2021… $1,070

Clearly, the pandemic has, for whatever reasons, coincided with a gigantic leap in Tesla’s value. It’s basically off the charts after already having a healthy 1,200% jump between 2011-2019. What it has done in the two years since is nutty.

What’s next? Is it too late to invest? Enola Gay says, “No! No no no!”

It’s the stock that has come to embody THE FUTURE. Right or wrong, that’s the way investors see it.

IT’S SOMEWHAT HAPPENING!*

by John Walters

*MH staff is back today, but tomorrow never knows.

To Boldly Go*

*The judges, back from their Tongan sabbatical, will also accept “2021: A Space Odyssey”

William Shatner, a.k.a. Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise, becomes, at the age of 90, the oldest human ever to travel to outer space. Oldest living human, that is. Upon his return Shatner sounded like a trippy-dippy lyric from a late Sixties Crosby, Stills & Nash or Joni Mitchell song.

Shatner likened the atmosphere to a “comforter of blue” wrapped around the planet. Launching through it, it’s suddenly ripped off, “and you’re looking into blackness,” he recalled, “and you look down ― and there’s blue down there, and the black up there, and it’s just … it’s just … there is mother and Earth and comfort, and there … is there death?”

“I’m so filled with emotion about what just happened. It’s extraordinary,” Shatner said. “I hope I never recover from this. I hope I can maintain what I feel now.”

“It has to do with the enormity and the quickness and the suddenness of life and death and the … oh, my God,” he continued, burying his face in his hands.

“The moment you see the vulnerability of everything. It’s so small. This air which is keeping us alive is thinner than your skin. It’s a sliver, it’s immeasurably small when you think in terms of the universe.”

“Is that death? Is that the way death is?” he pondered. “WHAP and it’s gone. Jesus.”

You have to respect the humility and sincerity behind those words. Well, you don’t have to, but we do.

Vocal Hero

This is Los Angeles Charger coach Brandon Staley, whom we knew nothing about before yesterday. Now we are fans:

Robin, The Joker

We don’t know how this made the internet, if it’s a trailer for a biopic on Robin Williams or what, but wow, the impersonation here by Jamie Costa is pure genius. Which it absolutely had to be, since he is portraying a pure genius. Notice how the littlest mannerisms, even the smirk after he makes the fart joke, or perfectly tailored to the lat Robin Williams.

The Cain Mutiny

We remember covering Mary Cain when she was a 4.0 high school student in Bronxville (a very tony area above the Bronx), N.Y., and setting national prep records in middle-distance racing. Then, inexplicably to us, this incredible scholar-athlete chose not to compete collegiately but rather to turn pro, put herself in the hands of Alberto Salazar and the Oregon Project, and move to Portland. The cross-country prodigy moved cross-country but without the support system that a college atmosphere would provide.

At the age of 18, Mary Cain basically had a full-time job as a runner and was going to college on the side. While being 3,000 miles from home. It was a really dumb choice (and you have to imagine her parents were on-board with this), and not surprisingly, it all flamed out. And quickly.

Cain never made it past Olympic Trials and never, of course, ran an NCAA race (as she was a pro). Now she’s suing Salazar for $20 million.

Cain is 25 now and the former pre-med, at least from what we can see, has not attended medical school. It’s a sad story.

What Ever Happened To ‘Shut Up And Dribble’?

Some interesting allies have put themselves in Kyrie Irving’s camp…

…. while Rich Eisen injects some common sense into the story:

VICTORY

by John Walters

It’s a seven-letter word that begins with the letter “V” and it has inspired plenty of talk about “a personal decision” and “sacrificing individual needs for national welfare.” It’s a polarizing word:

Vietnam

That’s right, Vietnam. What did you think I was talking about?

Imagine, if you will, a national crisis of sorts.

It is deemed good for American welfare if you soldier up and head over to the Mekong Delta and the thick jungles north of Saigon. This act of sacrifice for your country may very well cost you your life… but you must do it. Your country needs you.

But it’s a personal decision, you say. First of all, you don’t even know where Vietnam is. And you don’t have any reason, personally, to fight anyone from Vietnam. And they’re not even attacking our country. Our country is under no direct threat from Vietnam. And you want me to risk my life for this?

Yes

Yes, you must.

And what if I refuse? Will I lose my job?

Yes, probably, because we are going to imprison you.

But it’s a personal decision.

Uncle Sam does not see it that way.

*****

Nearly 60 years ago, communism and not Covid was deemed the existential threat (never mind that both emanated from Asia). And those who dared to refuse induction into the armed services were incarcerated while also labeled yellow.

Now here’s the big reveal: 1) The fate of Vietnam never directly impacted the national welfare of the United States and 2) Over the course of roughly a dozen years, some 68,000 Americans were killed in Vietnam.

Fast forward to 2021. Now, the national welfare of the United States is not terribly at risk due to Covid-19, but more than ten times as many Americans have died from it than died in Vietnam… in about 1/8 the time.

So it begs the question… why is something that has proven so much more deadly in so much less time allowed to flourish here on the basis that fighting it would compromise one’s freedom, and yet something that was so minor an existential threat to the U.S., relatively, treated as such a great crisis that not only were you forced to put yourself in far greater peril but that you were not even allowed the option of “it’s a personal decision?”

Why is the Vaccine so much more reviled than Vietnam (by a certain section of our nation)?

I think we know the answer… these people worship warfare and are intimidated by science. The former is easily explicable, even attractive, to them. The latter intimidates them.

The simple truth is that Vietnam was one-tenth as deadly as the pandemic and yet no man of draftable age was given the “it’s a personal decision” option. Because the war machine needs fuel to operate.

You’re praised for saying no to a needle. You’re pilloried for saying no to a machine gun.

This is America.

Where Have You Gone, Matt Amodio?

by John Walters

After 39 episodes and a little more than $1.5 million in winnings, Yale PhD student Matt Amodio at last succumbed to mediocrity. Amodio, 28, who regularly piled up per-game winnings of $50,000 and for whom Final Jeopardy! was normally little more than an exercise in seeing what total he wanted to shoot for, headed into Final Jeopardy! last night in third place.

The question: What country did the Nazis take over in World War II, and then, with parts including the Danube and the Alps, did the Allies divide into four sectors? Even if you did now know the answer, you’d be likely to guess Austria or Hungary, right? Amodio guessed Poland. The other two contestants correctly chose Austria.

Amodio looked defeated but in a sense almost relieved.

It must be a weird sensation, to win between $30,000 and $88,000 (his top one-day output) per show but after a month or so to just be so tired of having to live in a hotel and to have simply put your real life on hold.

A note: Amodio’s run nearly ended when it was still in the teens. He led by less than double his next-closest competitor and Final Jeopardy!, with the topic being ” ’80s Movies,” referenced a dip that was used to erase characters. Amodio did not know that the correct answer was “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” but, fortunately for him, nether did the woman in second place.

Amodio was dethroned by an actor, also in his twenties, who had the good fortune in Double Jeopardy! to hit two daily doubles in a row. He missed the first, but nailed the second. That’s usually where Amodio distances himself from the pack, finding the daily doubles in the second round. All good things must come to an end. Now what does a PhD student with $1.5 million (before taxes) in his back pocket due for motivation to finish his doctoral thesis?

THE GANGSTA BOWL

by John Walters

Last night No. 15 Coastal Carolina whipped Arkansas State in Jonesboro, 52-20, to improve to 6-0. The Chanticleers already had the lowest MH number (Scoring Defense ranking + Scoring Offense ranking… the lower the number, the better the team) in the nation before last night’s game.

Tonight Cincinnati, fresh off last Saturday’s win at Notre Dame, hosts Temple. The Bearcats are 4-0 and ranked No. 5 in the nation. They’re garnering way more love on national sports radio to break the four-team playoff glass ceiling than Coastal is.

Let’s jump to the future and assume (a large assumption, albeit) that both Group of Five schools remain unbeaten the rest of the way. In December each would play in its conference championship game (the Sun Belt and the American Athletic, respectively) against a foe that may not be ranked.

And we have not even broached the topic of G5 unbeatens UTSA, SMU (who’ll play Cincy) and BYU (who won’t have a conference game). In short, those conference title games will not move the needle much for Coastal or Cincy as far as the selection committee is concerned.

We have a better idea.

The Gangsta Bowl

Before we share this latest lame-brained idea, a point of agreement: there are no steadfast rules in college football. You cannot blow up the BCS! Until you do. Oklahoma and Texas can’t just secede to the SEC! Until they do. Players cannot transfer without sitting out a year! Until they can. Or be paid for their name, image and likeness! Until D.J. Uiagalelei shows up in a Fansville ad. BYU and Coastal Carolina just cannot schedule a game in the middle of a season! Until they did.

Anarchy is okay in college football. As long as someone is getting paid. Paging Dr. Weknowdis.

Thus, we present the Group of 5 Bowl, or Gangsta Bowl (Nuthin’ But A G Thang). If, after 12 games, two Group of 5 schools (e.g., Cincinnati and Coastal Carolina) are still undefeated, do not waste their and everyone else’s time with conference championship games that will do little to improve either school’s Playoff stock. Instead, in the words of Dennis Green, “crown their ass” in terms of conference titles and arrange for them to play in the Gangsta Bowl. 

The Gangsta Bowl would draw more viewers than the two conference championship games combined. The Gangsta Bowl would put a better “W” on the victorious team’s resume—and compel the selection committee to deal with it. The Gangsta Bowl would elevate all Group of 5 programs because it would enhance the chances of the winning side making the playoff.

You wanna chirp at the selection committee and Power 5 programs for maintaining a glass ceiling? Fine. But here’s an idea that would challenge Group of 5 conferences to obliterate their own self-imposed glass ceiling. 

The Gangsta Bowl. Ready to make an entrance, so back on up/Cuz you know we’re ‘bout to rip sh*t up.

We

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Farewell, Omar

If you’ve never watched The Wire (HBO), that’s something in your life you need to change immediately. If you have, then you know what an unforgettable character Omar is. Last Sunday Michael K. Williams, the man who played Omar (as well as other memorable characters on Boardwalk Empire and The Night Of), was found dead in his Williamsburg, Brooklyn, apartment. Apparently of a heroin overdose.

It was Omar who famously said, “You come at the king, you better not miss.” Omar was an inspired character, a fearless, trenchcoat-wearing, bad mamajamma who stole from drug dealers. You don’t do that. He was like a phantom; they feared him because he seemed to just disappear into the shadows. The character was also gay, which just added to the uniqueness of Omar.

Williams was also phenomenal in The Night Of. He sorta reminds me of the black Phillip Seymour Hoffman. A gifted actor who owned every scene in which he appeared and then died, alone, of a drug overdose, in New York City. Williams was 54.

Teenage Dream

Raducanu has come from nowhere, or London, to charm the tennis world

The “women’s” singles final at the U.S. Open will feature two fetching, charming teenagers from friendly nations: Laylah Fernandez of Canada, who turned 19 earlier this week, and Emma Raducanu of Great Britain, who is 19.

Fernandez is ranked 73rd in the world; Raducanu, 150th. Needless to say, it’s the first Grand Slam final for either young lady. It’s also the first U.S. Open final between two teenagers since Serena Williams defeated Martina Hingis in 1999.

Munnlaney?

On one side of the coin, you’ve gotta give John Mulaney credit for appearing on his close friend Seth Meyers’ show and being so forthcoming. This was cracklin’ good television.

On the other, the veneer of our Catholic school nerdy boy man is now off. Some of Mulaney’s best bits (“You buy the cow”) now come off as, if not phony, then at least not standing the test of time. Nobody’s perfect, of course, but comedians are supposed to use their lives as material for their sets. In so many ways, Mulaney was hiding his. All those hours he spent serving as the responsible big brother to Pete Davidson to keep him off the wayward path? Who was shepherding whom?

And I know I sound a little like a jilted lover—or Mulaney’s ex-wife, who has kept her dignity throughout this awful stretch—but it sure sounded weird to hear Meyers congratulate his good friend for becoming a dad to-be. In the past year Mulaney has left his wife, gone into rehab twice, gone totally Hollywood by hooking up with a B-list celeb (Olivia Munn) who’s dated a Hall of Fame quarterback (Aaron Rodgers), and now impregnated her.

You have to wonder if Mulaney got the Rodgers Rate there…

Life is messy. And you hope better days are ahead for this man whose ceiling is higher than anyone of his generation. But remember that character he played in the classic SNL game show skit, “What’s That Name?” He doesn’t come off too much better in person right now.

Just The Vax, Ma’am

President Biden steals a page from Texas Gov. Abbott’s playbook. You wanna hand out a $10,000 punishment for aiding and abetting an abortion? Here’s a $12,000 punishment for working for a company of more than 1,000 employees and not getting vaccinated. I pity the unvaccinated Uber driver in Plano who drives an expectant mother to the clinic. That’s a $22,000 bill right there.

Biden noted in his speech that “even Fox News” has a vaccination policy for its employees. I wonder if that snippet made it onto Fox News… or OAN… or NewsMax.

Go, go, Joseph/You know what they say…

The Bucs Start Here

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, last seen winning the Super Bowl in their own stadium, kicked off the NFL season last night by hosting America’s Team. And Tom Brady’s charmed life just continues as they eked out a 31-29 win with the help of an uncalled offensive pass interference that would have negated the final, field-goal winning drive.

Odd. Tom Brady being helped out by the zebras in a game-winning drive. Has that ever happened?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Remember The Amnio!*

*The judges will also accept “The Elephant In The Womb” and “Fetal Positions”

The abortion issue is a simple question of the lesser of two evils. Is it right to abort a pregnancy and put a fetus to death unnaturally? No. Is it good to saddle a woman with a pregnancy and a total overhaul of her life because of an unwanted pregnancy, particularly if the sex was non-consensual? Given that choice, you decide what the lesser of two evils is.

Of course, the Texas legislature and the U.S. Supreme Court, by a 5-4 vote, decided that the latter is the lesser of the two evils. But let’s be frank here: Keeping women in the kitchen and at home raising babies and out of positions of economic power much less government is the real goal here. Particularly poor and middle-class ones.

That SCOTUS allowed a law to stand that encourages other Texans to snitch on anyone remotely associated with an abortion and make money off it ($10,000!) is straight-up Dark Ages behavior. Even if someone is innocent, they’re going to have to pay a lawyer to defend them and they won’t be able to recover that court cost.

Will abortions in Texas (and other red states soon to feel emboldened on this reversal of Roe V. Wade) cease? No, they’ll just happen clandestinely and in unsafe fashion. Anyone ever see In The Heat Of The Night? Yup, that.

The staff here at MH encourages all women of child-bearing age to flee Texas forthwith. And what, then, will the men of Texas do for, um, satisfaction? Well, they can do what many of us have been telling Texas to do for years now: Go f*ck themselves.*

*And before one of my most loyal readers lectures me on Christianity and how wrong it is to take a life, I’ll remind him that pro-lifers seem to care a lot more about the lives of unborn babies than they do of children and adults. When they begin to show me that they give the slightest sh*t about those who are already born and poor and hungry and homeless, I’ll begin to feel their sincerity about cute unborn babies.

Stupid Human Tricks

This?

Or this?

The MH staff thinks trickster No. 1 is much further down the Darwinian ladder….