STARTING FIVE

You know him from here…

1. We Are Won Over

Wondering how much of a heads up various NBA people got regarding Adam Silver’s decision, seeing as how the Clippers’ home page changed as swiftly as it did and that there was even a “We Are One” montage on TNT by night’s end.

Silver hit Donald Sterling in the wallet ($2.5 million, although he bought the Clips for $12.5 million and they should sell for near $1 billion, so he’ll be both fined and fine), while the Bunny Ranch struck him below the belt. Truly, that was a Suspension of Disbelief.

…but you may also know him from here.

2. Who’s That Girl?

A female reporter stood up yesterday at the Adam Silver presser and asked the question that has been most replayed on ESPN –and I suppose it’s a coincidence that she was the first reporter who was shown on camera asking a question, even though others had come before her. The question was, and I paraphrase, “You are outraged by what Mr. Sterling, said but what about everyone who has been outraged by him being a racist slumlord for years? How come the NBA is only acting now?”

That reporter is Lisa Guerrero, a 50 year-old woman of many talents: former Los Angeles Ram cheerleader; actress on the daytime soap “Sunset Beach”; local LA weekend sports reporter; sideline reporter on “Monday Night Football”; co-host on Fox’s “Sports Geniuses” and contributor on “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”; cover model for “Playboy”; “Reporter”, with lines, in “Moneyball“; and now this. Guerrero, who turned 50 earlier this month and is married to former Major League pitcher Scott Erickson, is resilient.

3. He’s Everywhere

Feldman: Prepping for the ‘Joanie loves Chachi’ remake?

The latest in a long line of actors to cross over from one HBO or AMC program to another HBO or AMC show? Well, there are two, actually. First, there’s Ben Feldman, whom you first met two years ago as Ginsberg on “Mad Men” and who made his debut on Sunday on “Silicon Valley” as Lawyer Ron…a character that actually reminded me a lot of Bob Loblaw from “Arrested Development.”

Lawyer Ron, after Richard asks why the company will be incorporated in Delaware: “Rich, Rich. Lawyer (2 thumbs pointed to self), not lawyer (2 thumbs pointed at Richard). I got you.”

Then there’s Kevin Dunn, who went from the hostile-toward-Rust (How dare he!?!) police chief in “True Detective” to the cynically hilarious advisor, Ben Caffrey, in “Veep.”

Dunn on True Detective: Rust-proof

Caffrey: “We all know that the White House would work much better if there wasn’t a president, but there is, so we work around it.”

While Veep is truly hitting its stride, Silicon Valley, now four episodes in, is beginning to show promise. To use Lawyer Ron’s metaphor, it’s that baby sea turtle that just may reach the surf. And HBO has already renewed it for a second season. It’s “How To Make It In America” with better weather and 50% less depressing failure.

4. Chicago Cubs and Cubans

If the principal from Ferris Bueller had a son who doubled as a Major League pitcher and porn star…

Cubbies’ opening day starter Jeff Samardzija is now 0-3 after last night’s defeat in Cincinnati. This despite a 1.98 ERA and having gone at least seven innings in five of his six starts. He has allowed 2 home runs in 41 innings. He handed the Cubs a 5-2 lead in the top of the ninth last week on Wrigley’s 100th birthday and they still blew it. Samardzija grew up in northwest Indiana, a Cubs fan, but he must be screaming, “TRADE ME!” inside.

Meanwhile on the South Side, 27 year-old White Sox rookie Jose Abreu leads the big leagues in both home runs (10) and RBI (32), which are both rookie records for the month of April. Is the Cuban defector not a bigger deal because we all have Puig Fatigue?

5. Show Claws Penalty*

Hey, Jameis. These guys have a bone –oh, I’m sorry, a shell–to pick with you.

“So Jameis Winston walks out of a Publix and… What else is left to say? Honestly, if the Heisman Trophy winner and an Alaskan King Crab legs heist gone wrong cannot save Twitter’s stock price, I don’t know what can.

Hed courtesy of MH’s patron saint of punnery, Greg Auman

Reserves

Pal Joey

We must ask, was this absolutely necessary, Mr. Crawford? There’s a time and a place… “Listen to me! Listen to me! Put five up there!”

****

Hall of Famer Yogi Berra’s home is For Sale and yes, it’s on the market for $888,000. Why they stopped at three eights, I don’t know. But remember, it’s Yogi we are dealing with here.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

George Sisler

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B

2006

This is a fallow period in baseball history, and I’d rather not bestow an induction to a player I don’t truly believe in. Hence, it’s Dubious Honors Day, men who will enter the Hall for being all-time leaders in something no one particularly strives to be known for. And this is a good time to note that baseball’s career Loss leader (Cy Young, 316) is also its career Wins leader (511), its  career Outs leader (Pete Rose, 10,328) is also its career Hits leader (4,256), that its all-time Caught Stealing leader (Rickey Henderson, 335) is also is Stolen Bases leader (1,406), and that its careers Bases on Balls leader (Nolan Ryan, 2,795) is also its career strikeouts leader (5,714).

“Ying and yang.”

“I believe it’s ‘yin and yang.'”

“No, ‘ying and yang.’ They’re opposite.”

Hughie Jennings, SS; 1891-1903, ’07, ’09-10, ’12, ’18, Orioles, etc.

Jennings: “Ouch!”

“Ee-yah!”, who is actually enshrined in Cooperstown, had a lifetime batting average of .312 and batted .401 in 1896, but that is not why he is noteworthy. Nope. Jennings holds the all-time record for being Hit by Pitch (287) as well as the Single-Season record (51). Craig Biggio retired two shy of Jennings’ career mark. Taking one for the team should be known as a “Hughie.”

Herman Long, SS; 1889-1904, Beaneaters

Long ranks 30th all-time in stolen bases (537), but he makes our Hall because he is the game’s all-time leader in Errors Committed, with 1,090. Long’s shortcoming? Exceptional range, which allowed him to get to more balls than most shortstops and, hence, commit more errors. In 1903 future Hall of Fame pitcher Kid Nichols said, “Herman Long is the greatest shortstop of them all.”

Remote Patrol

Texas Two-Step

Mavs at Spurs, Blazers at Rockets

TNT 7 & 9:30 p.m.

Monta Ellis has been the best player in the Mavs-Spurs series thus far.

One state, four teams. Three of them from Texas. It’s a twin-bill of Game 5’s from the Lone Star State. My only prediction is that the underdogs will at least cover, if not win.

STARTING FIVE

So I was speaking to Medium Happy’s head of HR yesterday, who told me that we will be accepting summer interns this year. Duties may include stocking the kitchen with kitty food and Snyder’s hard pretzels, recapping recaps of Sunday night TV shows, passively aggressively engaging the CEO’s former places of employ, posing as various commenters, “bank jobs”, and volunteering one’s self for myriad clinical trials. Send all resumes to the Comments section below.

MJ and LBJ hug it out after sweep.

1. Heat Vs. Dead Heat

Watching the second half of Heat-Cats last night (because that’s what it said on their jerseys, “CATS”). Thinking to myself, there must be at least three dozen guys in the NBA with a more aesthetically pleasing jumper than LeBron James. But, you know what? The man makes ’em. More than that, he truly has that Jordan aspect of, “Everyone, jump onto my shoulders, because I’m going to carry us home.”

Miami sweeps the Kitties, while five of the other seven series have been knotted at two apiece. In the other two series (Houston-Portland and Chicago-Washington), it is the higher-seeded team that trails. Credit Miami and Erik Spoelstra. They took care of business. No malaise.

Oh, and Chris Bosh is now the second-best player on the Heat. There’s very little debate on this one.

2. Beltway Bros

Jonah Ryan and Dan Egan: HBO’s best odd couple since Rust and Marty.

“Do they have toilets here or do they put their turds in the Cloud?”

Presidential hopeful Selina Meyer and her staff visit a Facebook-ish tech leviathan named Clovis and in 30 minutes to a better job of skewering the tech industry than “Silicon Valley” has in four episodes. “Veep” nailed the faux-zen aspect of that world, the pretentiousness (“It’s ‘CRAYG’, not ‘Craig’) and the utter b.s. of hoodie-wearing billionaires.

Meanwhile, Dan Egan versus Jonah Ryan, the founder and editor-in-chief of Ryantology, is now the most intense (and funniest) rivalry on Sunday nights in a post-Joffrey universe. If you haven’t yet watched “Veep”, you should.  It merits the Larry David seal of approval for nastiness and hilarity.

3. CNBC’s Top 25

Martha (24) is, as far as I know, the only ex-con on the list (and the only Match member).

The cable business network celebrates its 25th anniversary by naming the 25 people “who have had the most profound impact on business and finance since 1989.” Because a 25 Most Beautiful Finance People may not have been a pretty sight. No sports figures are on the list and the sole person exclusively from entertainment is, you guessed it, Oprah (at No. 7).

No. 1? Steve Jobs. Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg came in at No. 8, but no one else on the list has had a truly fantastic movie made about them.

4. GQ’s Top 15

GQ put a list of the “15 Funniest Comedians in America” (active, not retired or semi-retired) and no argument with their cover choice: Louis C.K.

However, in the egregious omission category, there’s a huge void by John Mulaney not being on the list. You’ll know him soon if you don’t already. And I promise you’ll love him.

5. Trump Vs. Sterling

This man is headed for a huge pay day. The question is whether a rival network will lure him away before ESPN puts a ring on it.

Who’s the more boorish Donald?

Anyway, you MUST listen to Bomani Jones’ freestyle riff on the Sterling situation yesterday and then read Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s piece in Time. You can write “Pin the fried chicken on the Sambo” if you’re the NBA’s all-time scoring leader. Also, if you like, read my column exhorting fans to not show up tonight for Game 5 (Mark Jackson steals all my ideas).

What I still don’t understand, though, as a lifetime white dude: If I’m upset with what Sterling said, I’m wrong because I wasn’t upset earlier. If I’m not upset by what Sterling said, I’m wrong because those comments are offensive. Chico, please.

Reserves

An apt heading, that, for Roy Hibbert’s Game 5. The Pacers’ 7-2 center goes 12 minutes in Game 5 with zero points and zero rebounds, begging the eternal question, Why doesn’t the NBA have a Least Improved Player award?

***

Emma Stone, Xavier Prep dropout and the most charming young actress in Hollywood, engages Jimmy Fallon in a lip-synch skirmish. If you were in your teens or in your 20s in the Nineties, you probably tried to memorize the rap part of “The Hook”, too.

All she does is win…

One of my favorite parts about watching these Jimmy Fallon “Things We Did In Our Basement When We Were 13” gambits is trying to imagine Letterman every trying them and thinking, Yeah, no.

***

It’s crowded in the comedy world after midnight, but in late April and May there’s no surer bet than TNT’s “Inside the NBA” crew. After they showed a highlight of Kemba Walker intentionally throwing a ball off the backboard to pass it to himself, Ernie Johnson quipped, “You should’ve done that, Shaq, it would’ve helped your career. It’s not just for free throws.”

Hilarious line, and it almost got talked over, but Kenny the Jet caught it and repeated it for Shaq, who used his standard comeback, “In what Finals?”

****
Craig Ferguson will depart “The Late Late Show” at the end of the year. The Great Scot began there in 2005 and was at his peak right before the 2008 election. “It’s a great day for America” is his signature line. His show has lost the buzz it once had, but he’s always been, after Dave, the smartest man on late night. He’s come a long way since the Drew Carey Show. l

****

According to Forbes, ESPN has surpassed $50 billion in value and is now the world’s most influential media brand. And it’s located off I-84 in Bristol, Conn. And at least when I used to visit, only one restaurant –the beloved White Birch — to be found. And I don’t think that even exists any more.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Kid Nichols

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P

2005

Wade Boggs, 3B; 1982-1999, Red Sox, Yankees

The American League’s supreme contact hitter for the last fifth of the 20th century, Boggs won five batting titles and hit above .350 in each of those seasons. Retired with 3,010 hits and a .328 batting average. Among players who entered the big leagues after 1970, only Tony Gwynn (.338) has a higher career average. Introduced the term “palimony” to sports. As a minor leaguer, participated in the longest game (33 innings) in professional baseball history–Cal Ripken, Jr., played on the other team.

Ryne Sandberg, 2B; 1981-1997, Cubs

Sandberg and Jordan, the best Chicago players of their era in their respective sports, both wore 23.

A 10-time All-Star and nine-time Gold Glove winner, Sandberg owns the highest career fielding percenetage (.989) among second basemen in Major League history. Sandberg was named National League MVP in 1984 when he hit .314, led the Cubs to their first postseason appearance since 1945, and famously slugged two home runs off Bruce Sutter, the premier closer of that season, in a nationally televised game on NBC.

Remote Patrol

Champions League Semis

Bayern Munich vs Real Madrid

NBC Sports 2:30 p.m.

Ronaldo. Stiff upper lip and a stiff upper mane.

The Spaniards have won the most CL championships, nine, but none since 2002. The German club is the defending champs and have won five. This is the second leg of their semi-final, and will take place in Munich. Real won at home, 1-0, so a tie advances them. They’ll have both Ronaldo and Bale on the pitch, so you can watch two of the world’s top five players. No team has ever won back-to-back Champions League titles, so the pressure is on Bayern.

STARTING FIVE

(Thanks to Greg Auman for inspiring this week’s word chain)

V. Stiviano (the “V.” is for “vindictive?”). Sterling, 81, never learned the basic rule: Do NOT mess with a sister.

1. Sterling. Silver

As Kenny the Jet said, “I think Donald Sterling has taken the concept of ‘ownership’ a little too far.” I know that it won’t happen, but the most beautiful thing in sport this year would be to see no one show up at Staples Center for Game 5 tomorrow night.

2. Ugly Betty

Moos to blame? Betty Draper, the first human in history to go hungry on a farm.

(the judges will also accept “Udder Cruelty”)

Bobby Draper is having a sublime afternoon with his mom on a dairy farm, even going so far as to guard her spot. Except that he forgetfully trades a second sandwich in his lunch bag –his mom’s –for gum drops because, let’s face it, kids don’t realize that their parents actually eat and go to the bathroom, do they?

And here’s Betty, famished (I thought smoking curbed your appetite), making him feel absolutely horrible about it. Only one week after Don bought Sally a patty melt when she claimed not to be hungry, Betty has a cow, so to speak, over Bobby’s innocent mistake. Cut to that night when Hank asks Bobby what’s happened, and he sagely replies, “I wish it was yesterday.”

That’s the universal reply for “What happened?”, or at least it should be.

Don looks like Milton at the moment, but I do believe he’ll soon return to rock-star status.

Meanwhile, here’s Don reconciling with both Megan and Roger –and I think we all know which relationship matters more to him –as his personal recovery quest continues. Hey, he’s been loyal to his wife AND he’s not even drinking that much. He’s very close to locking up Husband of the Year, 1969, if not a Clio.

Anyway, after Roger stands up for him in front of the other partners –it’s what you like about Roger; he’s no angel (and he’s no Roger Angell), but he’s not a weenie. He’s not Pete– Don is offered an invitation to return, but only after acceding to become the Milton of the firm of which he is a partner. How long until Don is in the basement without a stapler?

3. Of Road Teams and Traveling

Through the first round of the NBA playoffs thus far, visiting teams are 18-12. And the lower-seeded teams are 16-14. In other words, no one is a favorite. No one, that is, except the Miami Heat, who have the only 3-0 series lead of all eight series.

Meanwhile, if there were ever a single undeniable example of just how little the NBA cares about enforcing its rules, here’s Houston’s Jeremy Lin taking four or five uninterrupted steps toward the bucket as three referees choose not to blow…their whistles. Even if he did take one dribble, as this writer attests, and he is probably correct, Lin still traveled before the dribble and after.

And as much as I love what Monta Ellis has done for Dallas thus far in the playoffs, his final lay-up on Saturday was precipitated by a blatant palm. If this make me an old man, I’m proud to be one.

As I said on Twitter, when the slo-mo music montages from “White Men Can’t Jump” are no more egregious than what is transpiring in NBA games without being called, you’ve lost me.

4. Oliver!

Manhattan skyline, gelled hair line.

John Oliver’s “Last Week Tonight” made its debut on HBO last night, and it was predictably smart, funny and just a little bit angry. In short, triumphant. The Daily Show alum touched on the Racist of the Week race (Sterling versus Cliven Bundy…Bert Cooper feels a little left out, but that’s what happens when you force people to take off their shoes upon entering your office) as well as the general election in India, the largest democratic election of all time, which is being roundly ignored in American media –while video of a leopard on the loose in India is getting plenty of play.

My favorite line? When Oliver said, “Now we have to deal with Gandhi…which isn’t the first time you’ve heard someone with a British accent say that.”

After only one show, I’d say that the MVP of the project is LWT’s Research Dept. The video they were able to find was fantastic. Maybe Maggie and Jim went to work for them?

5. Chaos Is a Ladder; Had You Forgotten?

Littlefinger: The Devil You Don’t Know.

Turns out Lord Petyr Baelish, alias Littlefinger, alias the most enchanting elocutor this side of Christophers Walken or Waltz, was the mastermind behind King Joffrey’s demise. With a little help from Lady Olenna. While her granddaughter, Margaery, is schooling Prince Tommen on the arts of the teen sex comedy.

Still, as Deadspin attests and I agree, Baelish is running circles around the competition. “So many men are afraid to risk everything,” he tells Sansa, “and then they die.”

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Mickey Welch

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery)

2004

Paul Molitor, INF; 1978-1998, Brewers

Though Molitor never led the league in batting average, he did lead it three times in hits and retired with 3,319, which puts him in the top 10 all-time (No. 10…or, if you don’t believe in Cap Anson, No. 9). One of only four players in MLB history with at least 3,000 hits, a .300 batting average (.306) and 500 stolen bases (504), “Molly” was also the World Series MVP in 1993.

Dennis Eckersley, P; 1975-1998, Red Sox, Athletics

Eckersley: The MOST Keith Stone-looking dude of all time in MLB.

The Eck is the first of only two players (John Smoltz is the other) to achieve both a 20-win season as a starter and a 50-save season as a reliever. As talented a starter as Eckersley was with Boston, he became the surest closer this side of sunsets as a reliever in Oakland. At his peak, in 1992, he won both the Cy Young Award and he American League MVP–as a closer–while recording 51 saves. Finished with 390, which at the time was second only to the Cubs’ Lee Smith (now it is sixth).

Remote Patrol

Spurs at Mavericks

TNT 9:30 p.m.

To satisfy the requests of my most loyal reader not to have given birth to me, it’s Heat versus Dead Heat. Which is to say, I like your LeBronsters in the East while out west I don’t think any single team has played itself out of looking like any less viable a candidate than any other–although Houston looks the most vulnerable. So, given that, I’m not going to abandon the Spurs. 2013 Redux. Let’s see if I’m wrong.

STARTING FIVE

1. Exploitation

Today’s Northwestern football team union vote –76 players are allowed to cast ballots, though none of them are required to–could be the most uplifting/vulgar (you decide) display of student unity on Chicago’s North Shore since the final scene of “The Breakfast Club” (last seen, by the way, in the movie “Pitch Perfect“).

ANYWAAAAAAAY….the whole movement got me to thinking about students (or student-athletes, or student-employees…again, you decide) being exploited. And that got me to thinking about Match.com.

Now, it’s not exactly a one-to-one comparison, but think about this: Match.com makes an exorbitant profit on its business model, a business that would not exist without the use of human inventory, inventory which consensually agrees to take part in the endeavor for not cash payment. In fact, Match subjects actually pay to play.

John Bender, future CAPA member

Now, you can argue that every Match “client” is actually getting something beneficial from it, that they want to be on the site. You can argue the same for college football players. They want to be there, too. You can argue that a Match client can quit any time. So can college football players.

What I’d argue is that Match cannot exist without its members any more than FBS programs can without their players. So go ahead, Martha Stewart, lead the effort to unionize!

(p.s. Of course I wouldn’t use Tinder as my example. Those people are just desperate and besides, I hear it’s free.)

2. You Mean Dick Bavetta, right, Shaq?

As you know, Phyllis reads this site so I’m not about to repeat what Shaq said to Chuck last night at 1:58 a.m. on “Inside the NBA.” Suffice it to say that it was both a shrewd and crude means of poking at his in-studio frenemy while not exactly being inaccurate. It was a nice comeback to the earlier dig when Charles read that a team had shot “six for 31” and asked, “Is that Shaq’s free throw line?”

The entire segment is hilarious. Charles left himself wide open for Shaq’s jab and you can’t really blame Shaq for crushing that lob over the net. Then you have Ernie quipping, “Waiter, check” as Kenny the Jet attempts to keep it together.

On the other hand, Shaq being Shaq, he is entirely too proud of the joke and himself. You can see how much it eats him up that everyone doesn’t think he’s the best part of the show. I imagine Kobe Bryant tunes in to the program and tells whatever hotel room service maid who’s watching with him, “See what I had to put up with?”

By the way, I love how Reggie Miller, Barkley and The Jet pointed out how players were getting away with double dribbles, traveling and offensive fouls during the Clippers-Warriors game. Keep fighting the good fight, gents.

3. Al Bundy > Cliven Bundy

Doesn’t listen to a lot of Jay-Z

It’s not that the Nevada rancher’s views on race –I wonder when he last spoke to an African-American –are a little extreme, it’s that he himself is a government mooch. It’s the classic case of the pot calling the kettle white. I will say that I’ve never heard of anyone named Cliven before, so points for that.

4. John Tucker Must Die (Adult Version)

Boy, oh buoyancy

So if you can only see one vapid Revenge RomCom this weekend, you should still not see “The Other Woman”, starring Kingslayer (Chickslayer, if you ask me, right, ladies? Nudge, nudge), Cameron Diaz, The Chick in the Judd Apatow Movies Who’s Married to Judd Apatow, and Arash Markazi’s pal. I love how much this female reviewer loathes it, and that she correctly points out that in a film marketed toward women that they were tone-deaf enough to give it this title.

No animals were harmed during the making of this movie, but about 20 cases of Sancerre lost their lives.

5. The Other Man

Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps got all toptional pool last night in Mesa, Arizona, for a 100-meter butterfly duel. Some smart marketer at USA Swimming has realized that one way to maintain interest in the sport for the next two years is to create a “Dan Vs. Dave” dynamic in five feet of water. Smart.

Lochte beat Phelps by 0.2 seconds, 51.93 seconds to 52.13. As an avid swimmer, I think I might be able to swim 50 meters in that time. Maybe. And not butterfly. That’s too difficult.

Reserves

Here’s a smart piece by Brett Smiley on SI.com on the loathed “Narrative” that is consuming sports and Twitter. Please make it go away.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Phil Niekro

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C

2003

Eddie Murray, 1B; 1977-1997, Orioles

The all-time leader in sacrifice flies with 128 (“Oooooooh!”), Murray also finished with 3,255 career hits (13th) and 504 home runs (25th). The 1977 Rookie of the Year, Murray was an eight-time All-Star and terrific in “48 Hours” and “Beverly Hills Cop”, which are basically the same movie.

Tommy John (Surgery), P; 1963-89, Dodgers, Yankees, Etc.

Between the baselines, John probably belongs in the Hall of Very Good: 288 wins and four All-Star appearances for the two-time 20-game winner. However, few former pitchers have a greater legacy in baseball simply because of the revolutionary surgery –transplanting a ligament from one arm into the other arm– for which he was the guinea pig in 1974. John won 124 games before he met Dr. Frank Jobe’s scalpel, and 164 games after. The procedure is not to be confused with Tommy James Surgery (transplanted vocal chords) or Tommy Tune surgery (transplanted knee ligaments).

Remote Patrol

Rockets at Blazers, Game 3

10:30 p.m. ESPN2

Harden making the international sign for “weirdo”.

LaMarcus Aldridge –46 and 43 points–has been, along with Atlanta’s Marcus Teague, the breakout star of the first six days of the NBA playoffs. Portland is a difficult place for road teams to win, but Houston does not want to fall behind 3-0. James Harden, please report to the emergency room.

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

 by Chris Corbellini

*** (out of four)

I’m of the opinion that there are compelling stories out there seated silently in hotel lobbies and bar rooms across the U.S., and well beyond our borders. It’s not just the business travel that pushes me to write this. In my 20s I worked in hotels in a variety of roles, and witnessed what takes place when men and women are forced out of their comfort zones but very much free. Once as a lifeguard on a Friday night I watched a 50-ish man dressed in a tuxedo and armed with a martini slowly but confidently step into the pool up to his neck, raising the glass high. It can be absurd, it can be abrasive, it can be whackadoodle, and as such a hotel is a fitting setting for Wes Anderson, Hollywood’s Master Jedi of whimsy.

Anderson has now directed eight full-length motion pictures over his 20-year career, and here at lucky eight with “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” he found the right star for all that eccentricity. Ralph Fiennes projects an air of aristocracy in whatever role he plays, and though his concierge character in a film about a majestic hotel in 1930s Europe is a dandy, he can butch up when necessary and, in the character’s words, not “act like a candy-ass.” So yes, absolutely, “Budapest” is right in line with the rest of Anderson’s latest works — sets and artwork that bring to mind the Rose Reading Room in the N.Y. Public Library and a cover of a Beatles album, with plenty of quirky dialogue — but Fiennes is a standout until the final, fateful moments on a train trip through unstable countryside.

The story shifts quickly from present day to 1985 to 1968 to 1932, where it stays put. The storyteller in 1985 is played by Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton), and at that point in the narrative he is a writer of world renown. He quickly explains to the audience the benefits of being a famous writer: instead of making up tales from scratch, he’s approached by others who tell him classics of their own.  In 1968 Wilkinson’s character is portrayed by Jude Law (I definitely see the resemblance), and while convalescing at the Grand Budapest, a fellow guest recognizes him and over dinner unburdens, gift-wrapping him a story that would define his career.

So the movie clock flips back to 1932, and a war looms on the outskirts of Anderson’s make-believe European Republic of Zubrowka. A lobby boy (newcomer Tony Revolori, who keeps up) is being broken in by Fiennes’ character, M. Gustave, who is known for delivering a certain kind of room service to his older clientele. One of those ladies, an ultra-wealthy 80-something, dies under mysterious circumstances, setting in motion Gustave’s imprisonment and the theft of a painting. Murder, laughter and droll line readings ensue. The lobby boy also falls in love with local baker girl, Agatha (Saoirse Ronan, destined for stardom with an Irish brogue) (Ed Note: She was captivating in Atonement). Oh, Adrien Brody looks like a vampire.  And Willem Dafoe has the underbite of a bulldog. Yep, all very Wes Anderson-y.  I won’t reveal anything more.

At different points Anderson’s camera deserves billing alongside the movie stars. Example: A prison guard cuts up foodstuffs one by one on a conveyer belt, looking for contraband, when finally a tastefully wrapped pastry rolls his way. The camera looks down at the treat, regards it, then looks up at the guard as if to say “C’mon, that is a thing of beauty, leave it be.” Later, during a daring re-entry into the hotel by the two chief characters, the camera is kneeling with them, and stealing glances, left and right, at some former co-workers, the movements suggesting “I know. I know. It’s crazy. We had to come back. I’ll explain later.”  Every cinematographer from Sherman Oaks to Long Beach will tell you he or she makes the lens a presence (and in many cases, an unfeeling one), but in those moments the camera chief in charge here, Robert Yeoman, nailed the whimsicality Anderson is forever trying to express. Yeoman shines elsewhere, too. A museum hunt between two very well-known actors (the “armor room” scene in particular) was brilliantly lit and lensed, and the Winter Olympics chase and its conclusion was fun to watch, using stop-motion animation that brings to mind an Indiana Jones set piece.

Dr. Jones and Sir Steven Spielberg fought Nazis in three of those four films, and not long ago, Tarantino took on Zee Germans himself, grinding Hitler himself into hamburger helper with gunfire. Anderson had a chance to take those villains for a whirl in “Budapest, he just chose not to. When the fictional enemy forces finally take over the fictional country, he drapes a fictional flag with a “ZZ” all over the hotel lobby.  It is implied of course, especially with the death squad threatening a party of three near the finish, when Gustave stares them down eyeball to eyeball one more time (Fiennes’ flinty, finest moment). But no, this is Anderson’s world in every corner of the frame, and real-life menace has no place in it.

Get used to it. While we are at the “you either get him or you don’t” part of his career, Anderson will continue to get work. The box office returns are respectable considering his budgets, and getting better. “Moonrise Kingdom” made over $45 million at the box office — not including DVD and VOD sales – many times more than the cost to put together. “Budapest” is currently over $40 million and still going. Anderson can and will shoot on the cheap (the stop-motion work mentioned earlier, for example), and by all accounts he’s obsessive with details. A perfectionist would suggest the artist being problematic for others. But any editor in a bay or line producer on set will tell you a detail-oriented director is cost-effective, and produces work quickly and with purpose.

He also draws out sublime performances from the big hitters, like Bruce Willis in “Kingdom,” Gene Hackman in “The Royal Tenenbaums,” and Bill Murray on several occasions. In the DVD commentary of  “The Life Aquatic,” Anderson admitted Murray was in a foul mood for the key scene of the entire film, the reveal of the jaguar shark. The director still managed to get one of the finest line readings of the funnyman’s career.

In other words, a director with vision isn’t going to make you scramble -– asking for, say, 50 boxes of cobras one day, then 50 cases of sunflowers the next for the reshoot. American Express used Anderson for this commercial and that’s not an accident. He’s in control. The dozens of rifles resting on lean-tos during the key reading of a last will and testament in the first act of “Budapest?” Minor set design, but also not an accident. Someone who works for the studio that released the movie told me Anderson personally wrote the stories that adorn the front page of the paper featured in this film, one involving the onset of war, and the other about the death of the woman which drives the plot of the picture. Newspaper stories that are shown in quick cutaways for only 60 frames or so, or about two seconds of a 100-minute feature.

It’s not quite Oscar material, but this is a story rich in detail, and one dipped in loneliness. The writer works up the courage to ask his subject if he gave up riches for some property that holds sentimental value. The subject‘s response I won’t serve up, but for those who like Anderson, it should be no surprise. He has been laying out his summation all along, movie by movie. In the final frames of “Kingdom” the bespectacled lead paints while his girl poses, yet instead of a portrait, the artwork is revealed to be the lagoon and rocky shores where the two lost souls blossomed into a young couple. I remember the murmurs and hushes in the audience when it happened – this director was on to something, more than all those lyrical transitions and extreme close-ups from his repertoire could express. Take away the quirk and sinister intentions and wedding-cake colors and art, and this is what Anderson’s expressing once again in “The Grand Budapest Hotel.” For those lucky enough to have such grand experiences, this is where their art comes from, the longing to be in the same spot of carpet where bliss was found, and lost. It can happen in a lobby, while the rest of us sit silently and stare ahead.

STARTING FIVE

The blond dude (Scott Winters) is the younger brother of Mayhem from the All-State ads.

1. How Do You Like Them Apples?

The tech giant announces its best non-holiday quarter earnings ever, and Wall Street finally applauds, as the stock rises 8% after hours. Then CEO Tim Cook, finally stepping out from behind Steve Jobs’ shadow, announces that the stock will do a 7-for-1 split –to make it more accessible to the home gamers — and that he is suing Hooli for its Nucleus project.

An excerpt from Cook’s conference call…

2. Pine In the Neck (tip o’ the hat to you, Daily News)

Ay, there’s the rub.

New York Yankee pitcher Michael Pineda puts down his copy of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s “The Purloined Letter” just long enough to apply a liberal, Biletnikoffian amount of pine tar to his neck. The best part is that he attempted this versus the Red Sox, who less than two weeks earlier accused him of using pine tar against them in Yankee Stadium.

My question: With the way dugout phones work now, Could Sawx manager John Farrell have called Joe Girardi and warned him to have Pineda remove the offending tar?

3. The Overweight Championship of the World

We’re only one week into the NBA postseason, and easily the most intriguing battle is Shaq versus Chuck. Did you see halftime of last night’s Blazers-Rockets game? Shaq was celebrating Dwight Howard’s DOMINANT first half, 25 points, and noting that he’d been urging Howard to play like this all season.

Barkley noted, aptly, that the score was tied and that this wasn’t Houston’s game.

Shaq went the “I have four rings, Tim Duncan has four rings, Kareeem has 16 rings…” route and nearly added, “And you don’t have any”, but even though he didn’t say it, we all heard it. The rest of the evening these two Alpha Dogs, who are separated by the Beta bunnies, Ernie and Kenny the Jet, seemed ready to spar.

Only at the very end of the night, some time after 1:15 a.m., were they jovial again, as Ernie announced a May 14 bout between the two (kudos to whoever thought of that name). This’ll be more fun than almost any Eastern Conference playoff game. It’s “Shaq Vs…Chuck.”

We’re not even one week in, though, and it’s smarter, funnier big brother versus more intimidating, more accomplished little bro who doesn’t pay him respect. These two may need to settle it in the backyard before May 14.

4. Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!

Ruggiano: “TAKE me out of the ball game…”

100th birthday of Wrigley Field. Cubs lead 5-2 entering the ninth inning against, oh yes, the team with the worst record in the big leagues. And I can already assure you that the Kansas City Packers’ top hitter, Paul Goldschmidt, will strike out.

So what happens? Well, of course, the Cubs surrender five runs and lose. How? An error by shortstop Starlin Castro, a game-tying single that bounces off second base and into right field, and a two-out pop up down the right-field line that was eminently catchable, but dropped and resulted in a hamstring injury to the Cubs, er, Federals, right fielder, Justin Ruggiano. Honestly, no one could have scripted a more Cubs finish.

5. The David Robertson of Late Night

“It’s been clear to me that I’ve won television,” Stephen Colbert tells his old boss, Jon Stewart, in a cameo appearance on The Daily Show. “At this point I’m just running up the score.”

It’s a terrific moment, because Colbert is portraying is overbearing, tone-deaf, self-absorbed alter-ego.

In fact, it’s a far funnier moment than the one two nights earlier, when Colbert went on Letterman as the funny but decent guy he actually is. Which is why not a few smart people (Howard Stern, etc.) wonder if Colbert is just the latest, most famous example of the Peter Principle.

Clearly, as this insightful Daily Beast article attests, no one is going to replace David Letterman. In fact, his year-long victory lap will give us just more of a chance to appreciate how unique he has been (I’ve never needed convincing; he’s atop my list of performers in my lifetime). So Colbert becomes the David Robertson to Letterman’s Mariano Rivera, simply the best available. But not in the same league.

And that would be fine except that we’re not going to be getting the Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report. We’re going to be getting the real Stephen Colbert, a man we hardly know. It’s like trading for Steve Nash and then telling him that Kobe feels more comfortable running the point.

Funny that at the end of his bit with Stewart, Colbert quips, “I’m really going to miss me.” Maybe more than you realize.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

The Cobra

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P

2002

Ozzie Smith, SS; 1978-1996, Padres, Cardinals

The Flip

The Wizard is in the top three among –most would say he’s No. 1–among defensive shortstops, winning the Gold Glove for 13 consecutive seasons while setting Major League records for assists (8,375) and double plays (1,590). The latter record has since been broken by Omar Vizquel. A 15-time All-Star, Smith also finished with 2,460 career hits.

Gary Carter, C; 1974-1992, Expos, Mets

The Kid was an 11-time All-Star and one of the leaders of the unforgettable 1986 Mets. One of the few catchers to eclipse the 300-home run mark (he retired with 324), Carter’s signature look was an ear-to-ear grin. If there were a Hall of Fame for exuberance, he’d be a charter member.

Remote Patrol

Clippers at Warriors, Game 3

TNT 10:30 p.m.

Thankfully, Blake Griffin’s performance in Game 2 saved me from writing that his best performance this month is in the latest KIA ad (“Mmm-umm, MMMM-umm, thank you…”). Blake’s out saving the planet, one KIA Optima at a time, while Stephen Curry is helping entire grammar schools take an hour or two off from class to play hoops in the gym. No wonder nobody knows SAT words any more.

STARTING FIVE

Wrigley Field turns 100 years old today. Willard Scott should sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

1. Ivy League

Thoughts on Wrigley Field hitting the century mark without ever hoisting a World Series championship banner…My first visit, 1998, shortly after Harry Caray had passed away. I’m in the press box with my friend and co-worker, Steve Rushin, and as we amble through the ancient hallway to our seats, we pass a VIP box in which Caray’s widow, Dutchie, is sitting. Steve turns to me and, as only Steve can, off-handedly remarks, “We just passed the Dutchie on the left-hand side.”

****

Six years later, May of 2004. My good friend and ESPN on-air reporter Kelly Neal (now Naqi) gets married and has the reception in a box at Wrigley. I think Lesley Visser was also there. Can’t remember.

***

Sitting with my good friend, and boss at the time, Mike Harris, catching a game in the summer of 2010. It was his maiden visit.

***
Multiple trips with college buddies, all of whom seemed to move to Lincoln Park upon graduation. Never remembering much beyond the fifth inning.

***

Jeff Samardzija gets the start today for the Cubbies versus baseball’s worst team thus far, the Arizona Diamondbacks. Samardzija will remain at best second in Wrigley Field lore, behind Steve Bartman, as far as Notre Dame alums go.

2. Peak Pique

It appears that the Sherpas, in the wake of a tragedy that claimed 16 of their brethren on the world’s tallest mountain, are packing it in for the season. Intriguing blog entry by the bard of Everest, Jon Krakauer, detailing how a leading expedition company pulled its guides off Mount Everest two years ago out of fear of this very ice ledge falling.

By the way, if you’re paying attention, Sherpas earn far more than the average Nepalese worker, but they take in only a small fraction of what the government of Nepal earns off climbing fees and other revenue generated by the Everest craze, even though, as we are seeing now, scaling Mount Everest is nigh impossible without the aid of Sherpas. All of which leads me to wonder, What is Nepalese for “Mark Emmert?”

3. Beautifullery

Nyong’o is best-known for being the unknown African-born Oscar nominee who did not say, “I’m the captain now!”

So, People magazine is teasing us with its “50 Most Beautiful” issue by announcing that Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o of “12 Years a Slave” is its Most Beautifulest.” Kenya dig it?

4. A Band or a Hoax?

The Strypes: the pride of Cavan, Ireland

Everything about The Strypes sounds as if it’s an elaborate musical hoax erected upon what we fans already know about other bands:

The music is speed blues, not unlike the best blues-rock band of this millennium, whose name is similar, The White Stripes.

They’re a foursome of Irish lads who’ve been friends for awhile, though the lead singer entered the group last. U2, check.

Their haircuts. Beatles, check.

Their clothes. Early era The Who, or even the Rolling Stones. British Invasion. Check.

They’re all 17 or 18. And if they are a hoax, they even fooled David Letterman, who joked after their performance, “I’m very excited. Before the show I said, ‘If this goes well, I’ll take you all to play laser tag.”

5. Hinrich Maneuver

Now down 2-0, we are bearish on the Bulls.

It’s hardly Kirk’s fault alone, but the Chicago Bulls now trail their first-round series to the Wizards 2-0 after losing both games at the United Center. Chicago lost in OT, 101-99, after Hinrich was fouled with 2.4 seconds left (questionable whistle, but then Joey Crawford is the Lou Avery of referees) and missed the first free throw. He missed the second intentionally, but the Wiz grabbed the rebound. They ARE The Wiz!

Hinrich is a career 80% free throw shooter.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Max Carey

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C

2001

Kirby Puckett, CF; 1984-1995, Twins

Besides leading the Twins to two World Series wins in a five-year span, the 5’8″ center fielder appeared in 10 All-Star Games in his 12-year career, collected six Gold Gloves, and averaged 209 hits per season. An eye condition forced Puckett to retire prematurely or else he certainly would have collected 3,000 hits. His .318 lifetime batting average was the best for a right-handed hitter in the American League since Joe DiMaggio.

Mark Fidrych, P; 1976-1980, Tigers

Is it the Hall of Fame or is it the Hall of Talent?  I could’ve slotted Dave Winfield here, one of the most gifted athletes ever to step onto a diamond, but Winfield, in 22 seasons, never led the league in home runs, in batting average, in slugging percentage, or in OBP. Yes, he collected 3,110 hits and maybe we’ll find a place for him later.

Fidrych played only five seasons and never won 20 games, but for the madness that he created in his rookie season, America’s bicentennial, he will forever be cherished by those of us who were around to see it. Fidrych went 19-9 as a rookie, winning the Rookie of the Year award while also leading the league in ERA (2.34) and tossing an irresponsibly high 24 complete games.

How many pitchers make the cover of the Rolling Stone?

Mostly, though, The Bird was the word. His infectious personality and “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” personality on the mound made him a true original. Watch this. And then this after, from the famous Monday Night Baseball win against the World Series-bound Yankees, back when nationally televised prime-time baseball games took place once per week.

Remember the Jeremy Lin hysteria a few seasons back that lasted about three weeks? Extrapolate that out to an entire baseball season and you have Fidrych’s unforgettable rookie year.

Remote Patrol

Blazers at Rockets

TNT 9:30 p.m.

This is shaping up as the most intriguing first-round series. James Harden’s unique style, Patrick Beverley’s tiny Rodman act, Chandler Parsons’ mellow cool, Dwight Howard’s underwhelming presence…and all of it was just enough to blow a double-digit fourth-quarter lead at the Toyota Center on Sunday night. Chico, please. As usual, stay up for the post-mortem with Ernie, Chuck, Kenny the Jet and Shaq. “Chuck is fake MMA” and “For Chuck, ‘MMA’ stands for Meals, Munchies, and Appetizers” were the jewels of last night’s fun.

 STARTING FIVE

1. Ten Years After

I never really felt those Don McLean lyrics, “the day the music died” until I got word on a Friday afternoon in April of 2004 that Pat Tillman had been killed. On days such as today, you try to be careful not to appropriate his memory, not to ascribe qualities to him just because you appreciate those qualities, as opposed to him actually having those traits.

I never met Tillman, although he played college and pro football in my hometown, i.e., the Phoenix area. What I do think it’s fair to say about Tillman is that comfort and ease were never priorities for him, nor were being popular or cool. He came to his own conclusions and his B.S. meter was always properly calibrated.

Tillman’s sacrifice may have been no greater than any other soldier who died in the line of duty. But his character was rare. See the powerful doc “The Pat Tillman Story” if you ever get the chance and watching ESPN’s “OTL” on Tillman’s death tonight is a good idea, too. The young Ranger who was standing near him when he died, Bryan O’Neal, tells Mike Fish of ESPN, and I paraphrase, “Everything I do in my life is an effort to live up to the standards that Pat set.”

And here are some solid words from Jim Rome. Rack it.

And here’s a solid anecdote, told by Josh Weinfuss, about a dinner in Seattle that took place a few months before Tillman died. Doug Tammaro is one of the men behind the creation of “Pat’s Run”, which will take place for the 10th time in Tempe this weekend.

2. We Like Ike

For the second time in two weeks, Ike Davis hits a grand slam in his team’s win. What makes the Arizona State alum’s prolific clouts more unusual is that he was traded from the Mets to the Pirates between the first and second slams. Davis’s two grand slams after just 15 games puts him on pace to hit 21 grand slams, for 21 different ball clubs, in 2014. \

3. Girls Gone Wildling

Ygrittes, I’ve had a few/But then again too few to mention…

I wish there were even more time to recap Sunday night television. Instead, a few random thinkages: Ygritte shoots a father dead with an arrow to the head as he is talking to his son. And then the Thenns will…eat Crow? Cooking instructions: It takes 30 minutes as the Crow fries…Ever notice how Tywin Lannister always comes out a winner and never seems to break a sweat? He’s Gregg Popovich. Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen has the world’s most awe-inspiring army but never has to fight a battle. She’s Geno Auriemma. 

On “Mad Men”, of course Don Draper gets an “I love you” on Valentine’s Day from…Sally. While Peggy has turned into the nastiest cat lady of all time, or as James Poniewozik of Time aptly called it, into “Hannah Horvath.” Pete Campbell remains as self-absorbed and needy as ever –he’s “guy-coastal”–while Roger keeps his clothes on for an entire episode.

It is an episode filled with bon mots of wisdom, from “Just tell the truth” to “Cash the checks, you’re going to die some day” to “Keep pretending: That’s your job.” There’s the work kitchen scene, which is every bit as good as last season’s when Harry Crane commented on how hot Don’s new bride was within earshot of Megan (awkward). This time, it’s African-American secretaries Dawn and Shirley calling one another by their own names as a means of mocking their white colleagues who cannot tell them apart. And then, when the white secretary enters, silence. That’s pitch perfect.

Lou Avery: How do you spell “troglodyte?”

Reminds me of the SI writers meeting I once attended. The only black writer on staff then was Phil Taylor. As he walked past, one of the funniest people I ever met at SI –I’ll leave him anonymous here –said to me, but loud enough because he wanted Phil to hear, “See that? Those people always hang out with each other.”

Honestly, if this particular episode of “Mad Men” wasn’t for you, then I must say that this series isn’t for you. It’s the subtext and the character evolution that makes this show brilliant, not the plot twists.

4. Kevin is For Real*

You kind of figured that was going in. That’s the scariest part.

The Thunder still lost later, in overtime,  but this reedick four-point play by Kevin Durant that trimmed a five-point lead Grizzlies lead to one with 13 tick-tocks remaining was otherworldly. The funny thing, as others have noted, is that it seemed a surer thing than Kendrick Perkins’ point-blank layup that tied the contest later. If the Thunder somehow fail to make the NBA Finals, or even the Western Conference finals, is it too soon to do a “30 for 30” on the fact that Durant and James Harden were once teammates?

*See what I did there?

5. Wheel or Fake?

That’s him in the stretcher, wondering, Why do I have to return home?

Did the 15- or 16 year-old Santa Clara lad really stow away in the wheel well of a Maui-bound Hawaiian Airlines jet over the weekend? How did he survive he decrease in both air pressure and temperature? Impossible! we all say, even though while this flight was taking place we were probably at mass celebrating the resurrection from the dead of an unemployed Jewish carpenter whom the Romans put to death. Life’s funny that way.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B

2000

Robin Yount, SS; 1974-1993, Brewers

To damn The Kid with faint praise,  Yount was a two-time American League MVP despite never leading the league in HRs, batting average or RBI. He may belong in the Hall of Very Good, but his inclusion is an indictment on the Eighties as perhaps the game’s most forgettable decade since integration. Yount did collect 3,142 hits, though, which puts him 18th all time.

Carlton Fisk, C; 1969-1993, Red Sox, White Sox

Pudge was an answered prayer to New Englanders. A native of New Hampshire who had a face that begged to be put on a Brawny towel package, Pudge was unanimously voted Rookie of the Year in 1972. Three years later he clouted the most famous home run in World Series history (sorry, Joe Carter), and most fans seem to forget –or not care–that the Sawx didn’t even win that Fall Classic. A born on-field leader, Pudge held the record for most home runs by a catcher (351) and most games played by a catcher (2,226) at the time of his retirement.

Remote Patrol

John Wayne Double Feature

TCM 8 p.m.

There’s actually lots of good viewing available this evening (I’ll be DVR’ing “The Way, Way Back” on HBO 2 at 8 p.m.), but Turner Classic Movies lives up to its name with two of The Duke’s (not to mention director John Ford’s) finer efforts: first, it’s the 1939 film “Stagecoach” (1939)at 8 p.m., followed by “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” (1962) with Jimmy Stewart, at 10. The latter film gave us the eternal truism, “When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.”

Draft Day

by Chris Corbellini

While we wait for some foolish soul to tackle a movie about Super Bowl Sunday that doesn’t involve a low-hanging blimp, here’s the not-quite-the next-best thing: a film about football with virtually no football in it, the Kevin Costner flick “Draft Day.”

It should come as no surprise that the NFL wants the lot of us with discretionary income (Ed Note: People have discretionary income?) thinking about football year-round, and a good way to market the sport that way is to build up its annual Draft as the second biggest event of its calendar. What once was an April weekend of chain-smoking, phone calls and Pete Rozelle’s announcements in what looked like a 1970s basement is now a prime-time broadcast from Radio City Music Hall in May, and before the draft prospects even play a single down in the league they are introduced on the red carpet as if hosting Saturday Night Live.

“Draft Day” is the realization of that marketing mission. Here’s a non-threatening, Hollywood treatment about dreams being realized against the backdrop of the game (even NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has a cameo). The league should be most pleased with the final cut, and the story’s within-reason authenticity. The rest of us will watch amiable, disposable entertainment that skims the skim of the surface of what could have been a terrific football film (Ed Note: In short, this film is the Dallas Cowboys of movies?)

       Full-disclosure here: I work on and off with the NFL’s offices in New York, Mt. Laurel, N.J., and Los Angeles. My favorite moment of the picture occurred when I saw a colleague get his own line of script in the third act. That happens when you put in some unofficial work for a production (usually gratis), and knowing that this guy wants his name in lights anyway, I chuckled when I saw him involved. Secondly, a show I’ve helped put together about draft prospects for the league’s network is in the final stages of production.  Please consider all of that when I write the following … I love the NFL Draft itself, for what it was and what it is now, for a reason somehow not shown in the movie.

“No, I said, ‘Fold your right arm over your left.'”

There have been some easy comparisons between “Draft Day” and “Moneyball.” I see that and raise you the following: Draft Day is a 90-minute football version of the Ricardo Rincon trade scene in Moneyball.  Remember, earlier in the movie, Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) explains his backstory to assistant Jonah Hill by saying, and I’m paraphrasing, “You’ve got the Yale degree and a great apprenticeship here. You can bail at anytime. I’m 44 and this is it. Do you believe in this thing or not?”

It pays off later, as the duo work the phones to make the Rincon trade. It’s fabulous, it shows the smarts behind the brawn of the game, there are stakes involved, and it might have happened nearly verbatim. So, a Hollywood creative might think: That was a great scene, and meaty acting. You know what, football is enormously popular now. Do crafty deals like that happen in football? Oh yeah they do, on draft day.

Sub out Billy Beane for Sonny Weaver, Jr. (Kevin Costner), the Cleveland Browns general manger who appears headed for a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day: his girlfriend, the team’s salary capologist, Ali (Jennifer Garner), informs him that she’s pregnant; his disapproving mother demands that they sprinkle his late father’s ashes on the practice field; his coach (Denis Leary) comes at him like a two-headed hydra of James Woods and Barry Switzer. Toss in a ticked-off incumbent quarterback and an owner demanding he make a splash to appease their relentlessly tortured Browns fan base. It’s a grocery list of nightmares for an NFL GM, or someone in the audience who has ever been a middle manager in the audience.

I want the linemen on this side of the room, and the backs on this side of the room, OKAY!?!

So Costner makes his move early, becoming the other guy on the line with a Beane-like wheeler-dealer, giving up his future for the Seattle Seahawks’ No. 1 overall selection. (I thought this was fortuitous timing for the entire production, given the nationwide exposure of the Seahawks as Super Bowl champs. Of course, that doesn’t explain why Seattle had the top pick). From there, Costner gets his groove back and becomes The Man With The Plan, and it all ends well for our hero, some of the college players he targeted all along, the family and the franchise.

Sounds reasonable for a lukewarm April release, right (Ed Note: matches the weather)? Certainly timely, right? Maybe, but it really missed out on capturing the pure joy involved in being selected. If you are producing a sports movie with no sports action involved, and phone calls drive the drama, shouldn’t there be a climactic moment where a drafted player gets the call that will change his life? It doesn’t have to be showy, either. Think of the five most meaningful phone calls you’ve ever had. The map of your entire world is being redrawn, and it can be a quiet thing. They failed to capture that aspect of it.

On that note, one final personal NFL story: I worked on a production that wired Adrian Peterson for sound while he was waiting for the call in the NFL Draft’s green room. His family, seated at a table just like in this film, had suffered their share of head-shaking hardships, from the incarceration of his father, to the death of a brother (who was struck by a drunk driver right in front of Peterson’s eyes). A beat after the Minnesota Vikings called with the life-altering news, Peterson whispered to his mother, “It’s happening, mom.”

The powerful runner, now an All-Pro, nearly trembled as he waited for the official announcement. “Draft Day” didn’t capture that, or try to, not even with a game, giddy Chadwick Boseman (who capably played Jackie Robinson a year earlier, and here portrays a linebacker who unfortunately reminded me of New York Jets bust Vernon Gholston) celebrating with family after his name was called. The film doesn’t focus on the prospects behind a superficial scene or two, so their draft moments pass without much weight.

Which leaves us with Crash Davis/Ray Kinsella/Roy McAvoy to carry the picture.  Costner had two standout moments, one involving a yellow post-it note, and the line about “the great ones find a way to slow it down.” Paul Newman once said “I can make a good script great.” It was his gift, and because of all our years together with Costner, he can do it too in one genre – sports. Telling James Earl Jones that the voice at Fenway Park said “The man’s done enough, leave him alone,” in “Field of Dreams“, or dancing with Annie Savoy, or quietly absorbing his outright release from the Durham Bulls in a pool hall in “Bull Durham”.

Not appearing in this film.

In this case, Costner did his best with a script that tried to serve both the die-hards (look, that’s the real NFL green room!) and general movie going public (look, Costner and Garner are having an in-office romance in a closet!).  There is another great sports movie in him, just like there was another great movie for a white-haired Newman about a small-town fix-it man called “Nobody’s Fool.” (Ed Note: That’s in my “In Bruges Hall of Fame”, films that you REALLY need to see). “Draft Day” was not it. The framing is all wrong. In the classic “Bull Durham,” Savoy’s velvety voice tells the story about Costner’s minor league club and her belief in the Church of Baseball. This go-around, Costner’s narrator was ESPN’s bombastic Chris Berman, indirectly expounding on what makes the NFL Draft so easy to market. I preferred Annie.

 STARTING FIVE

The last time an American man won Boston, they didn’t hand out prize money.

1. Meb Wins!

American marathoner Meb Keflezighi, 38, wins the Boston Marathon in 2:08:37, becoming the first U.S. male since Greg Meyer in 1983 to break the tape on Boylston Street.

Rita Jeptoo of Kenya was a repeat winner in the women’s division, trimming nearly two minutes off the course record with a 2:18:57. Shalane Flanagan, a Yank, led the race through 17 miles before finishing in 2:22:02, which was a PR for her.

It was the largest field (approx. 36,000) in Boston Marathon history and, given the anticipation surrounding the race, appeared to have the largest number of spectators.

My question: There were about 36,000 entrants. Americans pay $175 to enter and foreigners $225. Put the income there at about $6.5 million. The race pays out $800,000 in prize money and a little more than that in fees to towns through which the race runs. Meanwhile, the Boston Athletic Association is probably still raking in $2-3 million (most race day workers are volunteers). So, isn’t this model a little bit like the NCAA?

2. Mad Men of Westeros

If you’re scoring at home, that’s the second Jaime-Cersei sex scene played out in front of a boy.

Jamie Lannister says “I don’t care” when his sister/co-parent Cersei tells him to “Stop” (dont’ fear: the Tallahassee Police Dept. is on the case) in front of their son’s death altar…the Thenns invade a peaceful Crow settlement, sparing one lad to inform him that he was going to eat both his parents (so, no boiled potatoes for supper)…Samwell deposits the woman he adores (and her son) in a whorehouse…the Hound robs a man who gave him shelter because he can…Stannis continues to be deluded by his own grandeur… It’s nice to see so many Game of Thrones characters picking up the slack for Joffrey now that he’s gone.

And wouldn’t the world be a better place if it had a Game of Thrones theme park or Game of Thones Las Vegas casino/hotel? Who wouldn’t love to see a life-size replica of the wall and Castle Black? Or cocktail waitresses who behave like Melisandre? Bouncers who wield Valeryian steel?

3. Knicks Nix Woodson

To nobody’s surprise, the ‘bockers fired coach Mike Woodson and his staff on Monday morning because doing so on Friday might have made too many of us compare him to the most famous martyr of all time. The Knicks fired Woodson because 1) James Dolan cannot fire himself and 2) he’s not that good of a coach.

Five Hall of Famers, but only three starters, in this photo (Lucas, Clyde, Reed, Phil, Bradley)

Here’s hoping Phil Jackson finds a way to let Carmelo go and reap something in return. Meanwhile, I’d recommend an obligatory viewing of Michael Rapaport’s “When The Garden Was Eden” at this week’s Tribeca Film Festival.

4. Rockets Trail Blazers…

LaMarcus Aldridge scored 46 points in Portland’s Game 1 OT win.

…1-0 after blowing a 13-point fourth-quarter lead at home. There are going to be some goats after one round of playoffs this month, and right now your leading contenders are Dwight Howard, Chris Paul –I cannot wait until State Farm rolls out its Steph Curry/Jeff Curry campaign, and Roy Hibbert.

5. Richard the Lion-Hearted

Richard: Geek chic.

As HBO comedies go, “Silicon Valley” has yet to hit its stride, but in Richard (Thomas Middleditch, who resembles Hugh Grant’s pale, wan, malnourished little brother) we have a protagonist who’s easy to root for. He’s pretty much the polar opposite of “Veep’s” Selina Meyer.

In fact, positioning “Veep” and “Silicon Valley” adjacent to one another allows for fun comparison/contrasts between the two ambitious leaders and their support staffs. Richard is decent and upright, while his crew is a little morally untethered, while with “Veep” it’s sort of the opposite. Not totally, but a little.

I love how in just two weeks we’ve gone from Richard negotiating with his incubator buddies as to what type of negotiator he is to Richard negotiating sternly for the rights to Pied Piper (even though the T-shirts are horrible and, yes, the Pied Piper was a mass murderer of children, but…)

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Ducky Medwick

 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF

1999

Nolan Ryan, P; 1966-1993, Angels, Rangers, etc.

For the first half of his career, Ryan was known as pure heat, but wasn’t considered a masterful pitcher. More like a gimmick. After all, no pitcher ever issued more walks (2,795) or allowed more hits per nine innings (6.6). He also never won a Cy Young Award. Only in his later seasons did he garner the respect of the greater baseball community, as he set the all-time record for career strikeouts (5,714) while hurling an MLB-record seven career no-hitters.

George Brett, 3B; 1973-1993, Royals

Brett, who actually inspired the hit song, meets Lorde.

Imagine an affable Pete Rose and you have Brett, a 13-time All Star who won the American League batting crown in three different decades (the only player ever to do so). One of only four players in MLB history to collect at least 3,000 hits (3,154), 300 home runs (317) and retire with a .300 batting average (.305), Brett seemed that more dangerous at the plate when runners were in scoring position or the game was on the line.