I’m back. I’ve been here before. After hounding John – politely I hope – a weekend edition (both Saturday and Sunday) will now be at your disposal. You can read it, or you can spend the day outside – with family and friends. The latter of which is less provocative…hopefully. 

STARTING FIVE

Greg Oden may win an NBA championship before Kevin Durant.

1. Roll, Heat, Roll

It was inevitable. The Pacers have been enigmatic for months now. Last night, thank goodness, was the night the Heat put the Pacers out of their misery, advancing to the NBA Finals – dismantling Indiana 117 – 92.  But, boy oh boy, did the Pacers ever flutter so unevenly.

John can break down the game, if he so wishes to, but I’ve been caught in this conundrum for a few days. That is, how in the world did the Pacers lose fans’ confidence? We have the Heat – winners of three straight Eastern Conference championships and two straight NBA championships – against the Pacers, a team that caught fans’ attention just a year ago. Even being the higher seed, the Pacers were still the underdogs.

The point being, fans love the underdog. But, to answer my own question, Lance Stephenson decided to wreak havoc with some inane gestures. Stephenson, to quote Bill Simmons, simply acted like a jackass.

Now it is hard to root against the Heat. Think about rooting for the Yankees in the American League Championship while they are playing the Oakland A’s. That is how screwed up the Pacers were.

 2. The Three Amigos

If there’s legs to this story, Ichan holds the key.

Carl Ichan, Billy Walters, and Phil Mickelson walk into a bar…and purchase Clorox?

It’s been over two years since the insider-trading deal was allegedly performed. Does this story have legs? My initial reaction is no. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) have been gathering and analyzing data for awhile now. What’s to believe that someone – as they say – “blows the whistle?”

Further, Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) had this to say on Twitter: “I’m still amazed people are so stupid to think they’re going to pull off an insider trade in the options market the week before a deal.” 

Exactly.

We are talking about a billionaire and two millionaires. Granted, Wall Street is no exception to fraud (in fact, they’ve  redefined it), but I’m going to use my if-I-think-it’s-dumb-it’s-dumb card. If there was fraudulent behavior, these three gentlemen basically wrapped it in a box and handed it to the SEC. But, you know, the SEC has yet to find any explicit evidence.

This is just another kink in the road.

3. “Mama don’t want none!”

How dare you adventure outside!

So, Facebook wants to start targeting children, I see.

I get it, Facebook. Teens don’t find Facebook nearly as exciting as they use to. But, to even bother to attract kids below the age of 13 (even high school, really), is — in a way — all too selfish. Zuckerberg is a smart dude, he gets it most of the time. This just doesn’t make sense to me, at all.

This is just a variable of what really is the problem: the Jekyll and Hyde of technology. Technology is marvelous. It really can enhance your capability to learn. But the sword is sharpened on both ends.

We have kids walking around with their smartphones, and now we want to give them a Facebook, too? Trust me, teenagers tend to have a gazillion friends on Facebook. Out of those friends, I’d say they know – on a personal basis – a third of them, if that. We are going to start seeing 13-year-old kids “friending” 18-year-old seniors, who most likely post some of the most ridiculous, irrelevant information in the world.

Let’s just use our common sense and not make recess all about drama.

4. The Road to Omaha 

College baseball is a bore before May. It is alright to admit it. But, as a Nebraska native, the College World Series is a great event. Yesterday was the start of the the 64-team tournament, in which only eight advance to Omaha.

I’m not saying you should binge watch collegiate baseball for the next three weeks. I am encouraging you to tune in for the action, though. It is not March Madness, but it is still cool.

Maybe you can do something new this year and watch more.

 5. De Facto Stanley Cup Winner

Not drawn to scale…

To be honest, I know nothing about hockey. I do know, however (thanks, Melrose!), that the winner of Sunday’s Game 7 matchup between the Los Angeles Kings and the Chicago Blackhawks will be huge favorites against the New York Rangers in the Stanley Cup Finals. So, is tomorrow’s Game 7 the de facto NHL championship game?

The majority of our friends at ESPN seem to be Ranger fanatics, Melrose excluded. Does that mean anything? No, not really. But the cynical me wants Linda Cohn hosting SportsCenter the night the Western Conference winner wins the Stanley Cup.

That’d be like having Michelle Beadle host the NBA Countdown show the night the Heat win their third championship in a row.

Remote Patrol

Spurs at Thunder, Game 6

TNT 8:30 p.m. 

The Spurs are one win away from a rematch with the Heat for the NBA championship…

Every game in this series has been decided by double figures. Will tonight be any different?

We’ll see…

STARTING FIVE

The 5’9″ Swanepoel is what fellow South Africans would describe as “slightly above average.”

1. They Won’t Date You, Either

I’m going to go ahead and say that the timing for the release of the “Maxim Hot 100” (or as I refer to it, “Leo’s Grocery List”), the magazine’s annual ranking of the world’s 100 most beautiful women, might not be the best. Just days after a mass murder in Santa Barbara motivated by a deranged boy’s ire that the beautiful people are all hooking up and he isn’t.

Finishing atop the rankings is 25 year-old South African Candice Swanepoel who, perhaps not coincidentally, looks more like a Barbie Doll than anyone on the list.

Not on the list, and hence negating the credibility of said list? Bar Refaeli, Kate Bock, Taylor Swift, Paulina Gretzky, Julianna Hough or Robin Wright.

2. Rout 28

Every Gregg Popovich press conference is the deposition scene from “The Social Network.”

The Spurs defeat OKC by 28 –they won Game 1 2 by 35 –to take a 3-2 lead in the series. Each contest has been won by the home team and by at least 11 points, prompting a direct and valid question by a reporter in last night’s post-game presser to Pop (thanks to Yahoo! Sports for this exchange, reprinted here):

Reporter: Five games, five blowouts. To us who don’t really know the game, how do you explain that?

Popovich: You’re serious. You really think I can explain that. … Heh …

Reporter: In simplest terms. I know you can. The question is “will you?”

Popovich: Good lord. And they pay you, don’t they?

Reporter: Very little.

Popovich: Thus the question!

Reporter: That’s why I’m not up there!

Kudos to the reporter, who is nameless in every story I’ve searched (more than half a dozen), whose “very little” line saved this from being an (other) awkward and uncomfortable exchange.

Here’s the truth, Ruth: Popovich gets away with being a jerk to the media because his teams consistently win. Granted, you can see that he’s probably a swell egg underneath (note his message to Craig Sager) and that he simply has contempt for the print media for wasting his time nearly every day. Got it.

But he often goes out of his way to be condescending. That act wouldn’t fly if he were coaching the Bucks.

3. Baseball Update

George Springer: His bat is even more valuable than his million-dollar smile.

Lastros rookie George Springer hits his seventh home run in as many games, while…

The Lastros win their sixth straight and now have baseball’s longest win streak because…

The Blue Jays finally lost, to K.C., ending their win streak at nine games despite…

Edwin Encarnacion going yard –twice. That gives Encarnacion five multi-homer games in May and 16 homers this month, one shy of Barry Bonds’ dubious all-time record. My thoughts on that are encapsulated in the kicker line from this classic film scene.

4. Quite a Cameo

Yes, Mick does look like a crazy old cat lady.

The Rolling Stones performed in Lisbon on Wednesday night and were joined onstage for “Tumbling Dice” by Bruce Springsteen. That’s a pretty good old-timer’s lineup. And here’s Bruce earlier this year in New Zealand doing a kick-ass version of Kiwi native Lorde’s “Royals.”

5. Oops!

Yeah, baby, yeah! They outed me!

Story from last weekend, sorry I forgot: The CIA head in Afghanistan is inadvertently outed by the White House in a memo about POTUS’ visit to the troops there. And they may have gotten away with it except that they printed a second memo without his name on it.

I mean, if this is the incompetent level of being a sneak we have at our nation’s top levels, I fear for our nation’s welfare.

Reserves

Carlos Tevez, an Argentinian, was Juventus’ top scorer and mime this season.

Lost amid the Madrid madness with the UEFA Champions League and the excision of Landon Donovan from the USMNT squad of 23, Juventus capped an amazing season in Serie A a little over one week ago. The Turin-based club won its third consecutive league title, or Scedutto, with a record of 33 wins, 2 losses and 3 draws. Los Bianconeri also became the first team in league history to eclipse 100 points (102), based on wins (3 points) and draws (1).

Remote Patrol

Pacers at Heat, Game 6

ESPN 8 p.m.

Does anything else need to be written?

STARTING FIVE

Rickles with Amber Heard and Johnny Depp: The Tat Pack?

1. The Merchant of Venom*

If you missed “One Night Only”,  the two-hour salute to Don Rickles on Spike TV last night –and why they named it after a song from “Dreamgirls“, I don’t know–it airs again tonight, the show’s title notwithstanding, at 12:30 a.m. DVR it, at the least.

Not only does it chronicle Rickles’ fabulous career of put-downs (telling Clint Eastwood “You’re not a very good actor”, or Regis of his standup act, “You stink”, or noting that Orson Welles was married to a number of women and “all of them are now flat”) but it also shows why he was able to get away with it. Because beneath the venom and, let’s face it, the cold truth, there was love.

DeNiro: “Dead is the average age of your fan base.”

As Ray Romano stated, “His nickname, Mr. Warmth, has a double meaning. It’s sarcastic, but it’s also true.” Said Tracy Morgan, in what at first would seem ironic except that it’s accurate, “You never discriminate.”

(In the words of Tina Fey: “You’re a friend to everyone: Polacks, Chinamen, Coloreds, Broads…”)

The comedy lineup is legendary: Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Stewart, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Morgan and David Letterman, while non-comics such as Robert DeNiro and Marty Scorcese, and Brian Williams, were even more caustically funny. Taped tributes by the likes of Eddie Murphy, Bill Cosby, Romano and Brad Garrett, Jimmy Kimmel (brilliant twist at end) and Rickles’ closest bud, Bob Newhart, are all hilarious.

“But back to Don…”

Don Rickles is the reason that comedy roasts exist.

There’s a terrific moment (one of several) during a montage when he’s working some sort of roast, notices Julia Roberts at a table, and chides her for not visiting him even though they live just two blocks from one another.

“We live closer than two blocks,” Roberts says.

Rickles cuts her off. “Julia, you have no lines. Just nod your head.” The laughter that erupts from Roberts is, like Rickles’ line, spontaneous and genuine. Don Rickles made an entire career out of talking like that to people whom you can’t talk to like that.

As Letterman closed, “Life is funnier because of Don Rickles.”

Yup.

*A pseudonym coined by Newsweek.

2. Reporter Trolling

LeBron got treated poorly by the refs, Lance Stephenson and then Mark Schwarz in Game 5.

The Miami Heat trail the Pacers, 93-90, with less than :24 remaining when LeBron James drives toward the hoop. There are two Pacers guarding him when he dishes off to Chris Bosh in the corner, whose potential game-winning three is off the mark. Pacers win.

Afterward, ESPN’s Mark Schwarz asks both David West and Roy Hibbert of the Pacers if that was the higher percentage play to make. We know this because Schwarz and/or his producer include both questions in the package that is used for “SportsCenter.”

Hibbert answers, correctly –in strict terms of “higher percentage”– that LBJ taking to the hoop was the play to make.

So then Schwarz scurries out to the podium, where he gets in a question to King James, a question in which he mentions that HE asked Hibbert this question, and here was Hibbert’s answer, and what does LeBron think about that????

Again, we know this because Schwarz and/or his producer included it in the package.

A few things, Mark:

1) You are not the story.

2) Your question to Hibbert was off the mark, excuse the pun. Regardless of what the “higher percentage” play was, if Bosh hits that three –and he’d hit two of six to that point–the game and series are over. Have you been watching the playoffs? Sometimes it takes cojones and sometimes that pays off.

3) Your entire act of approaching LeBron and doing the “He said this, what do you think?” smarm, attempting to manufacture a controversy, I think most of us moved past that in seventh grade.

This is a guy who’s been with ESPN for more than two decades. Awful work, intellectually dishonest as well as self-absorbed. I hope someone in Bristol tells him so.

3. You Don’t Tug On Superman’s Cape

LBJ: Seven points in 24 minutes in Game 5.

I didn’t watch assiduously, but from what I spotted in the highlights at least two of LeBron James’ fouls were actually fouls on the Pacers (Paul George should have been called for the block, and as incredible as Lance Stephenson’s strip was, he fouled LBJ in the scrum for the loose ball) and a third should never have been called.

Lance Stephenson actually blew into LBJ’s ear as they lined up for a free throw?!? That really happened?

And then the Mark Schwarz ridiculousness.

LeBron, as has become his custom, handled it all with grace.

I don’t recall the last time, if ever, I watched basketball’s superior played treated with such disrespect in the playoffs. And I don’t mean “Spill a drink on him, so here comes a double homicide” disrespect. I mean genuine disrespect.

Game 6 is in Miami and I predict very bad things for Indiana. LeBron has never scored 50 in a postseason game. This would be a good moment for him to reach that  bar.

4. It Happens Every Springer

Springer has blossomed in May, blasting nine home runs in the past 21 days.

Beware the Lastros, baseball’s (second-) hottest ball club. You read that right.

Houston has won five straight after sweeping the Royals in K.C. and that happens to coincide with the power burst from rookie right fielder George Springer, who has hit six home runs in the team’s last six games. The six-foot-three Springer, who grew up in “Hard hittin’ New Britain” (Conn.), and played at UConn, has nine homers this month.

5. Re: Morse

Robert Morse’s send-off? “Bravo!”

Love this interview that The New York Times did with 83 year-old Robert Morse about his character’s posthumous musical number that closed the semi-season finale of Mad Men. Great line: “My phone has been ringing off the hook. And they’re not really hooked any more.”

Over at Grantland, Andy Greenwald moves away from his stellar Game of Thrones recaps to pen an outstanding Mad Men recap (thus steaming Molly Lambert’s tea?), noting that the second half of Season 7 will not be unlike that Apollo 11 mission: the moon landing (i.e, the “Waterloo” episode that just aired) received all the fanfare, but the real trick was the splash down back to Earth.

Remote Patrol

Citizen Kane

TCM 8 p.m.

“Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.”

“Rosebud.” Honestly, I’ve never seen Orson Welles’ masterpiece, which the American Film Institute and others routinely list as No. 1 in the pantheon of best movies of all time. I do know what “Rosebud” refers to, as you probably do as well. This is a personal blind spot, so I will consume this film tonight (or DVR it for later) even though I’m sure I will not enjoy it as much as I did “Kingpin.”

STARTING FIVE

1. Fitting the Bill: Russell Westbrook

(the judges will also accept “So This Is 40”)

40 points, 10 assists, five boards and five steals for Russell in a pivotal Game 4 of the Western Conference finals, as OKC wins, 106-92. You can argue that Westbrook has not been the best player on his own team since high school –he was a college teammate of Kevin Love’s and has been an NBA teammate of Kevin Durant’s –but there may be no more self-assured player in all of hoops.

It’s funny. Russell is always No. 2, just like that other animated Russell whose big brother was the bigger star of the show (Even if it was named for a third character, “Hey, hey, hey!”)

Another famous second-banana Russell.

Remember the steal he made on Michael Conley late in Game 4 of their series? Or the three he took against the Clippers, in which Paul fouled him, that while ill-advised (and off-target), rescued them in Game 5 of that series? RW will make you grimace at times with his recklessness, but when he’s on, he can be the most potent player outside of LeBron.

2. Re: Encarnacion

Encarnacion checks for termites.

Edwin Encarnacion of the Toronto Blue Jays hit two home runs in April, but has since clouted 14 in May. The Blue Jays, winners of eight in a row, now lead the MLB in home runs with 76, nine more than the next closest team. Six different Blue Jays are in the Top 20 in the American League in Home Runs: Encarnacion, 2nd, 16; Jose Bautista, T-5th, 12; Colby Rasmus and Juan Francisco, T-12th, 9; and Melky Cabrera and Brett Lawrie, T-17th, 8.

Suspicious ff the Blue Jay way? Me?!? Why would I be? There’s nothing at all suspicious about the Jays having one-third of the American League’s top home-run hitters, one of whom previously served a 50-game suspension for PED use.

This is what happens when a disciplined civic leader such as Mayor Rob Ford takes a leave of absence –he left for rehab on April 30.

3. Soeur Losers

Serena, not serene.

At Stade Roland Garros in Paris, sisters Serena and Venus Williams are both bounced by unknowns on Wednesday in the second round. If both had won –and Serena was the No. 1 overall seed–they’d have met in the next round. Coincidence? The sassy sisters have not met in a Grand Slam since the 2009 Wimbledon final and they’ve never enjoyed playing against one another, particularly in big matches. Lifetime, Serena has won 17 Grand Slam titles and Venus seven.

4. “Dude, You’re Getting Adele!”

This is 10 year-old Olivia Kay of Edmond, Oklahoma. She sang the national anthem before Game 4 of San Antonio-OKC and her performance, not aired, was so magnificent that the “Inside the NBA” crew invited her up to their booth for an encore. This is what makes this show the best of its kind. Watch as she destroys “Rolling in the Deep” and as Shaq and Kenny fight to sign her…while Chuck just smiles in awe. Cool moment.

5. Pullman, Oxford, or Stark Vegas: They are coming/To your Ci-taaaaaaay!

“Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty!”

So, ESPN’s “College GameDay” maester, Lee Fitting (does he have brothers named Levi? Polo?), just tweeted, “This year, @CollegeGameDay will broadcast from a location we’ve never been to before. Always fun.”

That means one of three locales: Oxford, which unbelievably has never been a College GameDay site for the popular pre-game show despite having one of the most charming atmospheres and tailgating traditions (“The Grove”) in all of the sport; plus, frequent contributor Wright Thompson calls Oxford home; Pullman, because those people who carry the Wazzu flag to every site deserve to be rewarded, but then there’s the whole Pirate Captain conflagration over Bruce Feldman’s dismissal, which was ridiculous; or Starkville, which is the sexy SEC West dark horse this summer. But who wants to spend a Saturday in Starkville?

Remote Patrol

One Night Only: A Tribute to Don Rickles

Spike TV 9 p.m.

Hey, hockey puck! Comedy’s heaviest hitters –Letterman, Seinfeld, Fey & Poehler, Stewart, Romano and Newhart — convened at the Apollo Theater earlier this month to salute The King of the insult comics. My favorite Rickles story involves Don, his date and Sinatra (check out Ol’ Blue Eyes’ shirt here).

Heat at Pacers, Game 5

ESPN  8 p.m.

Luis Scola: If John Cusack had ever come down with a case of gigantism.

Indiana has been trolling the entire postseason, so why would anyone be shocked if they actually won this evening to force a Game 6 back in Miami? However, I like the idea of Miami possessing a killer instinct and forcing ESPN to come up with alternative programming for Friday.

STARTING FIVE

Robert Morse, back in the Sixties, singing in an ad agency (he was Pierrepont Finch then, not Bert Cooper)

1. How To Succeed in Business Without Really Dying

Thoughts, quotes, observations from the “Mad Men” final season semi-finale:

“I don’t want to go to Newark.”

“Nobody does.”

—-
The hunk with the Rutgers athletic scholarship (poor lad)? He’s wearing a scarlet-and-gold No. 32 football jersey in the summer of ’69, when the reigning Heisman Trophy winner was O.J. Simpson, No. 32 for USC. It’s not an exact replica –two shoulder stripes instead of one –but I wonder if Matt Weiner was calling attention to this.

—

The actor portraying Lou Avery is a hired hand on “Mad Men” this season, so it’s funny when Jim Cutler tells Lou that he’s a “hired hand.” That’s so meta.

Peggy takes the pebble from Don’s hand…but only cuz he offered.

—

“Marriage is a racket.”

No one does severely unctuous and yet wickedly funny better than Vincent Kartheiser, as Pete Campbell.

—

Robert Morse (a.k.a. Bert Cooper) has sung in a Manhattan office before, just never as a posthumous character. Check out the line at 0:55 (“Let’s not forget he’s in advertising, and that does something to men’s brains.” If How To Succeed…” isn’t the direct inspiration for Weiner creating this series, then I’ll go to the beach with Bob Benson.)

—-

Is Roger Sterling everyone’s favorite character? Recall that the season begins with Roger lying naked in a pool of hippies and ends with him seated on the couch, hugging his grandson, as they watch Neil Armstrong take man’s first steps on the moon. Loved the astronaut helmet, by the way.

——

“We have NO liquor.”

——

Roger does for Don what he couldn’t do for his daughter: rescue him.

Of course Matt Weiner was trying to tell us something: Sally Draper would rather be with the optimist nerd than the cynic hunk; with the kid who’d rather watch the wonders of the universe directly -abetted by a telescope–than on TV. And then there was the “Best Things In Life Are Free” number, capped by a shoeless soft-shoe.

In other words, stop spending so much time in front of the screen (will heed that advice myself), Weiner is saying (sure, now that you’ve made millions by it, Matt.) Still, it’s true. When I hear people say that they don’t believe in miracles, my first thought is always, What an idiot. Look around you. If life and seasons aren’t miracles, I don’t know what are. Just because you can explain how something happens doesn’t make it any less miraculous.

—-

Did anyone else notice the Wall of Optimism Weiner erected here? Roger and Don are both exponentially better people now than they were at the end of Season 6. Peggy is finally at a peaceful place. Is Weiner setting us up for the tumultuous end of a tumultuous decade? Don’t know, but we still have seven episodes to go, so the cat hasn’t been saved yet…

—-

The always insightful Alan Sepinwall’s review….

2. Great Race, Bad Call

It was THAT close.

Please do me the favor of watching the final seven laps of the Indianapolis 500 and noting the call of lap-by-lap commentator Allen Bestwick, who is not to be confused with Barry Bostwick, who may be confused with Barry Melrose, who is not to be confused with Melrose Place, which may be confused with Peyton Place, which is not to be confused with Peyton Manning, who is not to be confused with Danny Manning, who is not to be confused with Danny Ongais, a former Indy 500 racer.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah. Ryan Hunter-Reay passes three-time champion Helio Castroneves with an all-time fake out maneuver (fakes outside, passes on the inside), who then passes him back only to be passed again just as they enter the final lap. Crazy.

But it sure didn’t feel that way to hear Bestwick call it. I don’t like ripping announcers, especially those making their first call on a network for such a prestigious event, but we really missed Jim McKay on Sunday.

And I’m not even going to venture into that whole “Real WAGs of Speedway, Ind.” aspect that ABC/ESPN forced on us with the split-screens near race’s end, though others will.

Lindsay Czarniak, by the way, as your pre-race host, was terrific.

 3. Gareth Bale Out

Bale’s heady game-winner.

Things looked bleak for Real Madrid in stoppage time of the UEFA Champions League final Saturday night in Lisbon. They trailed intra-city neighbors Atletico Madrid 1-0 in the 93rd minute when Sergio Ramos headed a ball into the corner of the net to tie the score.

Then, in extra time, Gareth Bale, who’d been the goat (as opposed to GOAT) of the match before Ramos’ goal, missing numerous chances, scored on a tremendously athletic header.

Then, with the outcome no longer in doubt, Ronaldo decided that he’d like to see the sphere and got himself fouled in the penalty box, which led to a free kick, which led to a goal, which led to utter shirtlessness. What an A-Rod move.

Real Madrid, the world’s most valuable sports franchise, wins, completing yet another overdog tale. That said, more post-game press conferences should go like this. Although, I gotta be honest, it did remind me a little of Anwar Sadat’s assassination. Too soon?

4. Hooray for Iran

Whereas in the USA, “too big to fail” actually means “too big to jail.”

An Iranian billionaire, Mahafarid Amir Khosravi, is executed after he is convicted for playing a role in a $2.65 billion bank scam. Even “Homeland” wouldn’t try this story arc. Can we get some Iranian justice here, please?

 5. Of Course…Baseball

And why haven’t the Lastros signed Conrad Gregor’s dad yet?

We’re going to designate this as Rule No. 7: “In baseball you can always count on seeing something that you’ve never seen before.”

And here we’re not even talking about the fact that Jeff Samardzija, winless through nearly two months of the season despite having the game’s lowest ERA, finally gets off the schneid (what is a schneid, by the way? I never too German) by defeating the team with baseball’s best record at their park.

We’re not even talking about the Dodgers nearly pitching back-to-back no-hitters despite the fact that neither of their Cy Young Award-winning pitchers, Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke, were involved.

No, we’re talking about Conrad Gregor, the Houston Astros prospect who hit his first home run of the season for the Quad City River Bandits and had his dad, Marty, standing in right-center, catch it.

Just to catch a home run ball as a fan is both unlikely and, without a glove, requires a little talent. To catch one hit by your son? That’s nutty. I hope they send that ball to Cooperstown.

Also, you have to love that the younger Gregor was witty enough to quip afterward that he hoped he could work out a deal with his pops to get that ball back.

 Remote Patrol

Rangers at Canadiens, Game 5

NBC Sports 8 p.m.

The last two games have gone into overtime between these Original Six rivals. This is plain riveting hockey, from someone who couldn’t have told you what ethnicity P.K. Subban was two months ago. Okay, two weeks ago.

Laura

TCM 10 p.m.

Gene Tierney, a first-ballot inductee of the soon-to-be-revealed Hall of Dame.

There’s beautiful, there’s classically beautiful, and then there’s Gene Tierney. Here she is in a film noir classic, arguably her greatest role. If you don’t watch it tonight, at least DVR it and save for worse weather watching.

It’s Memorial Day Weekend, but the Medium Happy Summer Manse in Far Hampton has yet to open for the season. We’re still interviewing cabana lasses and searching for just the right yard art to place on the front lawn. So we’ll be here…typing.

Starting Five

Donovan is sent off, by Klinsmann, with five career World Cup goals.

1. Lan-done

Perhaps it was a forward-thinking move by manager Jurgan Klinsmann, leaving 32 year-old Landon Donovan off the USMNT squad for Rio. The U.S. isn’t getting out of its group anyway, not with both Portugal (Ronaldo) and Germany (SCHWEINSTEIGER!!!!) in it.

Said Klinsmann, with meaning, “Soccer is about what you do today and what you hopefully do tomorrow.”

Donovan is sent off with five career World Cup goals, most memorably this last-minute game winner versus Algeria in 2010 that advanced the Yanks into the Round of 16.

Meanwhile, Bleacher Report went all “Dewey Defeats Truman” on this story the day before.

2. Rock, Chalk, Which Jayhawk?

Andrew Wiggins, making his case as to why Cleveland should take him at No. 1.

Do you side with Bill Simmons and Doug Gottlieb and take seven-foot freak athlete Joel Embiid, a 20 year-old from Cameroon, with the first pick?

Or do you side with Jason McIntyre (and myself) and take six-foot-eight freakier athlete Andrew Wiggins, a 19 year-old from Canada?

Here’s the thing if you’re the Cavaliers –or if you’re the franchise (Minnesota?) who deals your megastar to the Cavs for that pick: you really can’t go wrong with either guy…unless Embiid’s back flares up again.

Maybe we should just ask Bill Self whom he’d pick…

3. “Hockey Puck!”

C.P.O. Sharkey, Amber Heard, Gilbert Grape

So apparently next Wednesday some of the world’s top comedians are going to roast Don Rickles on that most vaunted of cable networks, Spike TV. How did this happen? HBO didn’t see this one coming? The King of Insults is 87, and so he will be roasted by David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, and for the women, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. So, yeah, no Lisa Lampanelli.

Here’s an early clip from next week’s show…

4. Murphy’s Law

They’ll remember this, but they won’t remember that Puig was twice tagged out for base running blunders in the 5-3 loss.

As Matthew McConaughey’s character tells his daughter in the trailer for “Interstellar”, “Murphy’s Law doesn’t mean that something bad will happen. It means that whatever can happen, will happen.”

The sixth inning of last night’s Dodgers-Mess game, for example. The Dodgers have Chone Figgins on first base with no outs (this was right after Mess analyst Ron Darling said, “Whatever you do here, you CAN’T walk Chone Figgins”) when Yasiel Puig hits a two bouncer to third base. Potential double play ball but Mess second baseman Daniel MURPHY just fails to catch the routine relay throw. A catch any Little Leaguer should make, and Murphy never even gets it into his glove.

First and second, no outs.

The next Dodger hitter hits a fly ball to shallow right field. Infield fly rule, automatic out. Except that Murphy misjudges ball, never even gets his glove on it. It’s still an out, but both Dodger runners take off. Figgins gets to third, but Puig runs through second. He’s obviously confoozed. As are the Mess.

Murphy, ironically, is the only one who has a clue. He throws the ball into the shortstop, and then yells “TAG HIM!” three times before the Mess SS does for the double play.

I don’t get how Murphy botched two relatively easy plays. What I don’t get even more is why Puig, even if he had no clue what was happening, wouldn’t station himself at one base until he knew what was happening. Earlier in the game he made the catch of the year, and that’s what’s so frustrating about him. With the spectacular you also, at least right now, accept the stupid.

Puig was actually tagged out on two separate occasions near second base last night in L.A.’s 5-3 loss. He giveth and taketh away.

Later on in the inning Darling said, “The Mets have to get their act together.” As if that’s something new…

5. Mulaney Week!!!!

“NOOO! In fact, we’re going to frame you for murder!”

A few leftover notes from the Mulaney piece in “Newsweek” that were cut for space or what have you…

1) Nick Kroll was a senior at Georgetown when Mulaney, then a freshman, auditioned for the Georgetown Players Improv Group, of which Kroll was in charge. By the end of the year, Kroll told me, “I was convinced that I was no longer funny. That’s how good John was.”

2) Mulaney spent a summer sleeping on Kroll’s couch when he interned at Comedy Central. At the end of the summer he bought him a Lenny Bruce album.

3) I love that Mulaney’s best friend from first grade, the talented John O’Brien, is still his best friend and will be best man at his wedding. O’Brien says they used to waste a lot of hours at the R&A Grocery in Lincoln Park as youths. One of my favorite stories, and this reminds so much of what one of my closest friends in the world, “Smo”, would have done: they dialed random numbers at a payphone. Finally, Mulaney dialed “REDRUM” plus one number and got a Spanish family. Then, for I don’t know how long but it went on awhile, they’d phone that family, who only spoke Spanish, and in Spanish they’d say, “You don’t know how to dance.” And that’s all they’d say. This went on for…months? Years? Still goes on?

p.s. That was the only phrase they knew in Spanish.

4) You have to catch Mulaney’s newest show for the Bill Clinton story. I won’t spoil it here.

5) His parents are smart and wonderful people. I love that Ellen Mulaney is proud that her son 1) never works dirty and 2) is very self-deprecating in his act.

6) One thing that stands out for me, and Kroll pointed this out: John has a lot of the assets of different iconic comics without being derivative: He’s as observational as Seinfeld; he does voices as well as Richard Pryor; he tells family stories on par with Bill Cosby; he can be as dark, though rarely, as Louis C.K.

But he does all of that, while still retaining his own signature style.

This is the Mulaney piece that got me on board for good. And you may have seen it. Look where this begins and look where it goes…and I love that sing-song child-like voice he does. I don’t know where this comes from, but it’s genius.

Reserves

Dick Parsons, former “Lunchroom Sergeant” and current CEO of L.A. Clippers, gets Lennay Kekua’d by Deadspin. Wonderful stuff.

****

The bizarre tale of Adam Muema…

Remote Patrol

UEFA Champions League Final

Fox 2 p.m. Saturday

Can Atletico pull off “doblete”, winning both La Liga and UEFA Champs League in an eight-day span?

It’s an all-Madrid final, as Atletico Madrid, the La Liga champs, take on Real Madrid, the world’s most valuable sports franchise. Atletico will be without leading scorer Diego Costa, while Real has both Ronaldo and Gareth Bale. Upset? Unlikely.

STARTING FIVE

Sonny Gray already has a Cooperstown-worthy name.

1. Moneyball 2: Coco Crispier

Say hello (again) to the Oakland Athletics: baseball’s best record (30-16) and its 6th-smallest payroll. The A’s won their 11th game in 12 outings last night, 3-2, despite being one-hit by the Tampa Bay Ray Romanos.

Their best player? Right now I’d go with quasi-rookie pitcher Sonny Gray, the oxymoronic Cy Young candidate who has a 5-1 record and a 2.10 ERA. He’ll be on the mound later today at Tropicana Field.

If Jonah Hill can be involved in a 21 Jump Street sequel, I don’t see why he can’t reprise his role for Moneyball 2. And more Robin Wright scenes this time, please.

2. Steal This Book!

Please pilfer: If apprehended, demand Geithner bail you out.

Former Secretary of the Treasury, but more relevant, former Goldman Sachs honcho Tim Geithner appears on The Daily Show to promote his book. Geithner uses the analogy that while the “arsonists” were on the plane, so were the innocent victims, which is why we had to rescue the plane from crashing.

(Meanwhile, someone at CNN watched this piece and wondered if they should begin searching for the plane)

Host Jon Stewart countered that while some people may be willing to go along with Geithner on this metaphor, they took exception to Geithner, having rescued the arsonists, then “getting them a massage and a steak dinner.”

Brilliant.

It wasn’t just that the arsonists were on the plane, Tim. It was that the arsonists were the firemen who burnt down the city. And now they are demanding we buy them a shiny new firehouse and fire trucks.

Did he save the economy from “disaster?” Relatively so, yes (ask all the people who lost jobs and homes, all the people who as a consequence took their own lives or lost their marriages; douchebag). But in the process he forfeited something worse: a sense among most Americans that there is justice for all. That’s far worse.

Enjoy Memorial Day weekend in the Hamptons, Timmy.

3. “Norrrrrrm!”

So Norm MacDonald, who has been Twitter-fueling a campaign for himself to become the next host of The Late Late Show after the exodus of Craig Ferguson, appeared on Conan last night. He did a spirited “one-minute audition” that included a clip with Fred Willard, and that was all well and good.

Then Norm went after Oscar Pistorius, saying that he despised the South African sprinter not because he murdered his girlfriend but because that a fundamental requirement to being a sprinter is that you should have legs. Conan: “You realize that no one’s going along with you on this one?”

Norm’s rebuttal was a 3-minute anecdote that ended with a bad pun (“youthful porpoise”), after which Conan stared at him for a long moment and then quipped, “Well, there’s your reel to CBS.”

After a few more addled words by Norm, Conan asked, “You’re done now, right?”

Yes, unfortunately. I think he is.

4. Hot Heat in Cleveland?

The Cleveland Browns get Johnny Football.

The Cleveland Cavaliers get the No. 1 overall pick.

The Cleveland Indians complete a three-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, who entered the series with baseball’s best record. On a 13th-inning “balk-off.”

For the longest time I thought ESPN’s “Will LeBron Return to Cleveland?” campaign was just a means to generate something for Skip and Screamin’ A. to discuss, but now that the Cavs have another No. 1, this is actually interesting.

Dwyane Wade is aging fast. Chris Bosh is past his prime. As, of course, are Ray Allen and Birdman, Birdman! There’s no youth on that roster that’s indispensable, plus it’s not as if the Heat have a lottery pick headed their way.

Say LeBron wins Miami a third straight title. Tells the city, Thanks, now I’m going to pull a P. Diddy. Returns to a Cavs lineup with Kyrie Irving and Joel Embiid or Andrew Wiggins. Or you trade the No. 1 pick for Kevin Love. Either way, that’s a brighter future.

I can actually see this: Miami plays in its third straight NBA Finals (Spurs win). LeBron thanks his teammates for all the good times, then texts Dan Gilbert, “Let’s Wreck This League!”

5. Mulaney Week (Cont.)!

When people such as Nick Kroll tell you that John Mulaney is the funniest person they’ve ever met, you listen. When Seth Meyers tells you that at times he felt as if he, nine years older, were Mulaney’s little brother, you pay attention.

Here’s the Newsweek piece.

Anyway, here’s another favorite bit: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The self-awareness here, plus the seamless morphing into another character. There’s a lot going on. What John did not know until recently: he actually shares a birthday (August 26) with Macaulay Culkin.

What I did not know until I met John: He had an opportunity to audition for the lead role in the original Home Alone, but his parents nixed it. They didn’t want a child star. Probably a wise move.

Mulaney, by the way, graduated from the same Chicago high school (St. Ignatius) as Bob Newhart. They’re a comedy powerhouse.

Reserves

Mean Tweets! Yes, Mean Tweets! Starring Sofia Vergara, Matthew McConaughey, Courtney Cox and Ethan Hawke.

 Remote Patrol

Blackfish

CNN 9 p.m.

The Shawshank Redemption

IFC 7 p.m.

Get busy swimmin’, or get busy dyin’…

Apparently, it’s “Innocent Creatures Kept in Captivity Night” on television, which means I’m going out. Honestly, I can’t stand to watch a film like “Blackfish.” You can pull my nails out; just don’t make me watch cruelty to animals (I hate you, Sarah McLachlan).

 STARTING FIVE

Look who rose to the occasion…again.

1. King’s Landing*

A little over six minutes to play and Indiana leads Miami, 73-69, at home. The Pacers could go up 2-0 and while that’s not the end of the series, it means the Heat must win four of five.

So what happens? Indiana leaves LeBron open for a three (big bucket at that moment), and King James and D-Wade combine to score all of Miami’s final 18 points (again, in just over six minutes) while the Pacers score 10.

Is that the series? We’ll see….

By the way, between LeBron failing to take the bait in a pre-game interview about a “looming possibility” of Miami going down 2-0 and his post-game interview with Doris Burke, where he was cool, collected and referred to Doris by name, he has become masterful with the media. The Decision taught him so much.

Finally, Mark Jackson, added as a third commentator by ESPN, asserted in the fourth quarter that Wade is the third-best shooting guard in NBA history behind only MJ and Kobe. No argument with those first two, but you could ask how Jackson omitted “The Logo”, Jerry West, who averaged 27 ppg over his career (D-Wade is in the 24 ppg range) while spending half of it paired with the most prolific scorer in league history. Then you remember that The Logo is currently the head consultant for the Golden State Warriors…

Neither of Jackson’s on-air partners, Jeff Van Gundy or Dan Schulman (?), bothered to challenge him on this.

*Yes, I am shamelessly appealing to my most loyal commenter with this item.

2. The 1.7% Solution

The Cavs are back to No. 1 at the draft

That’s correct. The Cavaliers, who have already had two No. 1 overall selections in the previous three NBA drafts, has less than a 2% chance of landing the top pick last night. But they got it. So, okay, NBA, you may now officially stop pitying the Cavaliers over “The Decision.”

Maybe the best part of the Draft Lottery was seeing Bill Simmons mouth “That’s bull”  (or maybe he was saying, “Those Bulls?”) as the Cavs’ ball appeared. Did you know that the Boston Celtics, who have won more NBA titles than any other franchise, have never selected No. 1 overall?

The Cavs will select either Jabari Parker (Duke) or Joel Embiid or Andrew Wiggins (Kansas). They did okay with a Dookie in 2011 —Kyrie Irving — while their selection of a Canadian, like Wiggins, didn’t turn out so well last season (Anthony Bennett). Simmons has already said that it’s going to be Embiid, and don’t let anyone say differently.

Me, I don’t care what anyone says, a back ailment before one’s 20th birthday is a serious red flag. I love Embiid, too, but I’d take Wiggins.

Of course, the Cavs will wind up picking whomever the homeless man tells owner Dan Gilbert that they should pick.

3. Chicago Does Have The “L”, After All

Tanaka falls to 6-1

639 days.

42 starts.

Through it all, Masahiro Tanaka does not lose. Then he takes the mound last night versus the Chicago Cubs, against the lineup that cannot get 1.45 ERA teammate Jeff Samardzija a single W (he pitches this afternoon, by the way), and what happens? Tanaka loses, of course.

That’s baseball. Johnny Cueto, he of baseball’s lowest ERA and WHIP, also lost last night. And Clayton Kershaw, who owns the best ERA of any starter since baseball’s integration, got rocked on Saturday night against the D-Backs.

Tanaka allowed 8 hits (6 singles, 2 doubles) and three runs in six innings in the 6-1 loss.

4. From Cavaliers to Cavil-Ears

Alex Guerrero, who is 27 and batting .376, had part of his ear bitten off by Miguel Olivo, a teammate and catcher who is 35. So who do you think goes?

A dispute in the dugout of an Albuquerque Dukes game will forever have the Dodgers’ Triple A affiliate linked to Mike Tyson as far as internet searches are concerned. Really, what else is left to say about this?

5. John Mulaney Week

So I’ve got a profile of comedian John Mulaney coming out later this week and here’s how I feel about this young man’s talent and future. So each day for the coming few days I’ll feature a favorite bit of his. This is “New in Town” from the comedy special of the same name.

Watch what’s happening here. Mulaney takes an incident on the streets of New York City that can and probably does happen to most of us, and wrings out every last ounce of humor from it. Most comedians could make a joke out of this, but the blend of observation (“You’re going to close with ‘new in town’?”), physical comedy (the push) and voices (“There’s no single guys left in Manhattan.”) is sublime.

The writing is very, very tight. Notice how efficient this is. That’s no accident.

Please let me know if you find my man-crush unwarranted.

Reserves

And then on Monday it was back to perusing Chapter 11 briefs…

Dan England at SB Nation pens a long form piece on studette attorney/mud racer Amelia Boone. Here’s my story on her for Newsweek from last autumn.

****

Hero Cat > Laser Cats < Pussy Galore

Tara the Cat, who rescued a four year-old boy from a dog attack on his driveway, throws out the first pitch at a minor-league baseball game. Tara was heard to quip afterward, “I would’ve preferred a plate of salmon.”

(One of our clever editors here at Newsweek wondered why they didn’t have Tara toss a ball of yarn.)

And who was taking the video, or was it a mounted camera? And who owns the dog? Hero cat compensating for horrible adults. Shocker.

The Hall*

Our final day. Hope you’ve enjoyed the series. Not sure if we’ll move on to an NBA Hall next, or a Fabulous Babe Hall. Or a Fawn Hall? An Anthony Michael Hall? Your suggestions will be heeded.

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 

Satchel Paige

1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B 2006: Hughie Jennings, SS, Herman Long, SS 2007: Cal Ripken, Jr, SS, Tony Gwynn, RF 2008: Tanner Boyle, SS, Crash Davis, C 2009: Rickey Henderson, LF, Duke Snider, CF 2010: Lee Smith, P, Garry Maddox, CF 2011: Roberto Alomar, 2B, Dave Winfield, LF 2012: Barry Larkin, SS, Johnny Vander Meer, P 2013: Phil Rizzuto, SS, Ferguson Jenkins, P 2014: Greg Maddux, P, Craig Biggio  2B/C 2015: Mike Piazza, C, Randy Johnson, P 2016: Ken Griffey, Jr., CF, Pedro Martinez, P 2017: Frank Thomas, 1B/DH, Tom Glavine, P 2018: Manny Ramirez, LF; Ivan Rodriguez, C 2019: Mariano Rivera, P, John Smoltz, P

2020

Derek Jeter, SS; 1995-2014

“The captain, number two, Derek. Jeter.” A 13-time All-Star and five-time World Series champion who gets derided by the so-insecure-they-have-to-be-cruel blogger dudes, even though he will likely finish with more than 3,400 career hits. If he gets to 3,421, which is likely, Jeter will finish 6th all-time. Led the A.L. in Hits 13 years apart, in 1999 and 2012. What he lacked in range as a fielder, he more than compensated for with some of the more memorable defensive gems of all time–ask Jeremy Giambi.

Never led the A.L. in batting despite a .312 career average. Never won an A.L. MVP. And, oddly enough, in what will have been 11,000 career at-bats, hit just one grand slam (against the Chicago Cubs).

Ichiro Suzuki, RF; Mariners, 2001-2014

The Japanese native has 2,763 career MLB hits. Will he stick around at least one more season after this to chase 3,000?

Assuming Ichiro retires after this season –he turns 41 in October– one of the more innovative offensive careers in the history of the game will come to a close. Ichiro used the bat like a tennis racket, placing his shots, which allowed him to become only the second player after Pete Rose to collect 200 or more hits for 10 consecutive seasons. Led the A.L. in Hits seven times and in batting average twice, hitting .372 in 2004 when he also set the single-season record for Hits, 262.

A 10-time All-Star and a 10-time Gold Glove winner, Ichiro was of slight frame but as flexible as a seven year-old gymnast, as fast as a top sprinter, and as strong as a college football player in some respects. A truly one-of-a-kind player in his prime.

Remote Patrol

Thunder at Spurs, Game 2

TNT 9 p.m.

The irony of Charles Barkley calling out anyone else for being “big”…

STARTING FIVE

Bryant McKinnie: Lending new meaning to “grinding.”

1. From ‘The U’ to the ‘IOU’

I’ve been to a strip club in Manhattan once. Once. In 25 years.

Buuut, I made the mistake of giving someone my credit card as my friend, Scott (that’s not his fake name), availed himself of all the wonders to be had. And that was quite an expensive night. Like, $375.

So I have some empathy for Bryant McKinnie, who did the same thing, times like a thousand. The former University of Miami and recently cut NFL offensive lineman was being sued for $375,000 in unpaid lap dances, which works out to…a lot of pent-up excitement. Anyway, McKinnie settled for $150,000…which as frequent MH reader/collaborator Greg Auman suggested, should be paid in dolla bills.

If I were McKinnie, I’d use the “How did you expect me to pay you when you ordered me to keep my hands at my sides at all times?” defense.

2. Hey, Barney: Suit up!

You can leave your hat on…

Just two issues since putting a fifty-something former CBS sitcom star on its cover (Julia Louis Dreyfus), Rolling Stone puts a forty year-old former CBS sitcom star on its cover (@ActuallyNPH). I’m hoping that the stars of Mike & Molly are not contacted any time soon by Jann Wenner’s people.

3. A Colt Who’s a Packer

Is it me or does Colt bear a slight physical resemblance to another troubled tight end?

Colt Lyerla has the size, speed and power to be an All-Pro tight end. He was a rock stud in the limited time that he played at Oregon. Alas, Colt also has had a cocaine problem in the past and he’s not so sure that the Sandy Hook shootings weren’t a conspiracy. The Green Bay Packers signed him yesterday as an undrafted free agent. So while he’s not quite Aaron Hernandez, you have to hope that Green Bay did more than discount double-check his background.

4. Pits-burg

This is the football stadium at Austin Peay State University, which should be deemed “unplayable” after a 40-foot sinkhole materialized and gave new meaning to the term “coffin corner.”

And this is Allen High School’s $60 million, 18,000-seat football stadium, where cracks were discovered in the cement. The stadium will be closed for the coming season. That’s so Texas: We see your 40-foot college football sinkhole and raise you a $60 million high school football money pit.

5. Shaka Con-vict?

Jill Hansen: Will she hang 10 to 15 in prison?

I don’t know how an attractive surfer who lives in Hawaii can be susceptible to road rage, but if she can be, who among us is immune?

The other day Jill Hansen, above, ran down a 73 year-old woman in what was initially thought to be road rage but is now believed to be an attempt to steal victim Elizabeth Conklin’s BMW. A Hawaiian septuagenarian with a B’mer? Tell me more…

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 

Honus Wagner

1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B 2006: Hughie Jennings, SS, Herman Long, SS 2007: Cal Ripken, Jr, SS, Tony Gwynn, RF 2008: Tanner Boyle, SS, Crash Davis, C 2009: Rickey Henderson, LF, Duke Snider, CF 2010: Lee Smith, P, Garry Maddox, CF 2011: Roberto Alomar, 2B, Dave Winfield, LF 2012: Barry Larkin, SS, Johnny Vander Meer, P 2013: Phil Rizzuto, SS, Ferguson Jenkins, P 2014: Greg Maddux, P, Craig Biggio  2B/C 2015: Mike Piazza, C, Randy Johnson, P 2016: Ken Griffey, Jr., CF, Pedro Martinez, P 2017: Frank Thomas, 1B/DH, Tom Glavine, P 2018: Manny Ramirez, LF; Ivan Rodriguez, C

2019

Mariano Rivera, P; 1995-2013, Yankees

Enter, Sandman: The 13-time All-Star also had a career WHIP of 1.00, the lowest in the live-ball era. Also as nice a big-time athlete as you’ll ever meet. That’s it, we’re moving to Panama.

Everyone knows Mo was outstanding; do they know just how outstanding he was? Besides being baseball’s all-times Saves leader (652) an Games Finished leader (952), Mo retired with a 2.21 ERA. That’s 13th-best of all-time, and Hoyt Wilhelm (47th on list) is the only other pitcher in the Top 50 who played after 1960. Cooperstown has never inducted anyone on a 100% ballot but if they don’t this time, that’s just a nod to obstreperousness.

John Smoltz, P; 1988-2009, Braves

Like Dennis Eckersley, Smoltz excelled in both roles as a pitcher. As a starter, the eight-time All-Star was 213-155 and in 1996 went 24-8. As a reliever he saved 154 games including 55 in 2002. That mid-Nineties Braves staff had a trio of Hall of Fame starters, and yet won only one World Series.

Remote Patrol

My Favorite Year

TCM 10:15 p.m.

A breezy, hilarious and well-penned film about a soused former matinee idol (the delightful Peter O’Toole, basically playing himself) and a young writer (the other guy from “Perfect Strangers”) who is charged with keeping him sober before he appears on a live variety show. It’s “Get Him To the Greek” without all the jet lag.

 STARTING FIVE

The Trail Blazers had no chance against us….

1. Strange-Bred Fellows

I think that Andrew Romano of The Daily Beast is on to something here: Arya Stark and the Hound; previously, Kingslayer and Lady Brienne; and now Lady Brienne and Rodrick; Tyrion and Oberyn; Khaleesi and Jorah.

Isn’t it funny in this life of ours how, when things do not go according to plan, when everything isn’t as wonderful as it could possibly be (see: the Lannisters), that it actually works in our favor? To be paired with someone you might not necessarily have chosen as an ally, to have a formidable task ahead of you…

We live in a fragmented nation…where you either watch Fox News or everything else, where we yell across the aisle at each other without actually listening. And we are allowed to remain in our comfort zones.

We also live in a world where people think The End is the payoff (College Football Playoff!!!!) when it’s the journey and the overcoming hurdles that is the true gift of existing. I know I’m going off on a tangent here, but back when the OKC Thunder got rid of James Harden, “smart” people explained to me that this had to happen, because how could he turn down the money? And I thought, James Harden is wealthier than he will ever need to be and someone just robbed him of 10 years with not one but two once-in-a-generation teammates, Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook,..for what? So that he can diamond-encrust the bottom of his pool with his initials?

The Bellas get it: “It’s not about the money, money, money….”

And maybe, if you look around, you’ll notice that there’s a very, very successful NBA team that, like our favorite characters from Game of Thrones, have been tossed together for a common cause from either shore of the Narrow Sea. And they seem to be enjoying themselves…and faring well…and no one is crying poverty. Tyrion, Oberyn and Daenerys, meet your NBA analogues: the San Antonio Spurs.

And, of course, Andy Greenwald’s recap on Grantland.com is nearly as satisfying as the episode itself.

2. Septumtariat*

California Chrome: adds new meaning to “wins by a nose.”

Affirmed: California Chrome will not be given a Citation if he wears a nasal strip for his Assault on the Triple Crown at the Belmont Stakes in June.

*Courtesy of loyal reader Greg Auman

 3. The Death of Ari Gold

The gang from Pied Piper: Making the world a funnier place.

Imagine how compromised Entourage would have been as a series if Ari Gold, or the actor who portrays him, Jeremy Piven, had died in the midst of the show’s first season?

That’s the dilemma facing “Silicon Valley” two shows into the post-Peter Gregory era. Actor Christopher Evan Welch, who was (and still may be) headed to a Best Supporting Actor Emmy nomination, died of complications related to cancer just four episodes in to his magnificent, idiosyncratic portrayal of the billionaire (and I’ll always love and be spooked by his final scene, in which he is asked how he feels and in which his closing line is “This is…displeasing.”).

The parallels between the two shows — a group of young men in California trying to make it big, mostly off the coat tails of one friend in particular.

Richard is Vince, minus the dreamy eyes.

Jared is E., just taller and (even) more sensitive.

Erlich is the id of Johnny Drama, while Dinesh and Gilfoyle (Martin Starr is killing it here; he’s the downbeat Kramer of Pied Piper) represent the Turtle-Drama friendship.

Bighead is kinda Turtle.

Monica is definitely Llllloooyyyyyyydd!

We just don’t have an Ari any longer. This past week he was on safari with Lorne Michaels, which of course makes no sense because there was no way he’d miss TechCrunch Disrupt. Gavin Belson had even promised to see him there.

So what do you do if you’re Mike Judge? You either go Darren from “Bewitched” and give an entirely new actor the same role and just rely on the grace of the audience, who understands why you must do this…or you go “Two and a Half Men” and create a similar character and a story line in which this angel investor has somehow stepped into Peter’s role.

I still like “Silicon Valley.” But there is a void here. And you don’t have to be able to write Java code to compute that.

4. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Madrid World

Ronaldo and girlfriend Irina Shayk on the cover of Espana Vogue

Since 2004 La Liga, Spain’s national football league, has been the domain of two sides and two sides only: Real Madrid, which boasts sometimes naked Cristiano Ronaldo, and FC Barcelona, which has Lionel Messi, who may ultimately be a superior footballer even if he has Paul Simon’s hairdo.

And, since 2008, Spain itself has ruled football, winning the 2008 European Championships and the 2010 World Cup.

So what Atletico Madrid has done this season is magnificent. The New York Mess of Madrid, Atletico won La Liga last Saturday, its first league title in 18 years, and this coming Saturday it will meet Real Madrid in an all-Spain, all-Madrid, Champions League final. It’s the first such final, intra-city, in Champions League final history. The match will take place in Lisbon.

5. And Now, The End is Near…

As Alan Sepinwall notes, Don Draper slow-dancing in the office with Peggy Olsen would have been, could have been, the perfect closing scene of “Mad Men.” Now the pressure is on Matthew Weiner to improve upon it.

Why would it have been ideal? Because for all the tumult of the Sixties, Don never really stopped being the Fifties Male Professional Paragon. And Ol’ Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, one of the planet’s few men who bedded more lovely ladies than ol’ Don, was seen as past his prime almost ten years earlier.

But here, in the spring of 1969, “My Way” was released and it became his defining tune. It spent all of spring on the charts, while in the UK it spent 75 weeks on the charts.

It was a sweet slow dance, but it can’t touch Ken Cosgrove’s tap work.

And the parallels between Frank and Don are unmistakable. Before Paul Anka wrote the song for the Chairman of the Board, he had confessed to Anka that he was getting out of the music business. Everyone inside of it had dismissed Sinatra as washed up. But by writing the tune for his friend, Anka was pulling a Freddy Rumsen (“Do the work!”) and it paid off.

Frank Sinatra and Don Draper: two men full of unrepentant swagger. Regrets, they’ve had a few/but then again too few to mention.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 

Christy Mathewson

1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B 2006: Hughie Jennings, SS, Herman Long, SS 2007: Cal Ripken, Jr, SS, Tony Gwynn, RF 2008: Tanner Boyle, SS, Crash Davis, C 2009: Rickey Henderson, LF, Duke Snider, CF 2010: Lee Smith, P, Garry Maddox, CF 2011: Roberto Alomar, 2B, Dave Winfield, LF 2012: Barry Larkin, SS, Johnny Vander Meer, P 2013: Phil Rizzuto, SS, Ferguson Jenkins, P 2014: Greg Maddux, P, Craig Biggio  2B/C 2015: Mike Piazza, C, Randy Johnson, P 2016: Ken Griffey, Jr., CF, Pedro Martinez, P 2017: Frank Thomas, 1B/DH, Tom Glavine, P

2018

Ivan Rodriguez, C; 1991-2011, Rangers, Others

The other “Pudge” was a 14-time All-Star and arguably the best backstop with the most lethal arm in the game’s long history. A 14-time All-Star who also hit .296, Pudge played more games at catcher (2,427) than anyone ever has in the MLB.

Manny Ramirez, LF; 1993-2011, Indians, Red Sox

Has any right-handed hitter ever had a more beautiful swing? For as poor and disinterested a fielder and baserunner as the inscrutable Ramirez could be (“That’s Manny being Manny”), his looseness allowed the 12-time All-Star to hit .312 while stroking 555 home runs. As clutch a hitter as you’ll ever come across. Impervious to, or simply unaware of, pressure moments.

Remote Patrol

Thunder-Spurs, Game 1

TNT 9 p.m.

This is all that you should or could want. Two teams representing four different continents –five, if you want to include the heavy African lineage. I doubt the Finals will feature basketball played at this level, so settle in and enjoy. And let’s hope that Parker and Ibaka can play.