Starting Five

The Wedge at Newport Beach. I’m in awe of people who take on surf like this

1.  What up, Bee-och?

What if a hurricane hit off the coast of California and neither hyper-possessed sharks nor Ian Ziering accompanied it? Welcome to this week on the coast of southern California, where tremendous swells have led to 10-15 foot sets.

It’s crazy to go in ocean like that, no? I mean, I love the beach as much as anyone, but look at that photo. Wow. If I’m the lifeguard, I’m like, “You know what, guys? I’ll be back at the guardhouse brewing a fresh pot of Peet’s. Why don’t you go handle the next rescue?”

2. Josh Shaw’s Day Off

Is it possible that Josh Shaw was just a little proud of himself at how he was outsmarting the adults? Was he singing “Twist and Shout” atop a vehicle in a parade on Figueroa Street?

So I wrote a story in Newsweek about the Josh Shaw mess yesterday (two, actually). Here’s what we know:

1) Josh Shaw lied–repeatedly. He has acknowledged as much.

2) USC asked him….over and over and over and over and over…and then, over…if his slightly incredible story was correct. They were staring in the face of their team leader and basically saying, “We don’t truly believe this, but you are Josh Shaw and we’re giving you the benefit of the doubt.” Plus, the people –not just family members–whom Josh pointed at as back-up on the story all corroborated his piece.  And Shaw was insisting that it was true.

What if you are USC and after all that you don’t run the story? Do you really think the media is not going to find out a team captain has two high ankle sprains? And do you really think he’s not going to tell them the same story he peddled to USC? And if you are USC and don’t run the story, you are telling your team captain, “WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU,” which is a pretty awkward thing to say five days before the season opener. Aaaaaaand, if the media gets a whiff of that, that you didn’t run this heroic story because you questioned its veracity, oh, they’re going to destroy you for that.

As one friend of mine who appears on TV regularly told me yesterday, “Rinaldi was probably picking out pocket squares after he read that piece.”

3) We’d love to get Josh Shaw’s side of the story: he’s not talking. He’s lawyered up. Even though no criminal charges are pending against him. What’s that about?

It was not until Wednesday that Shaw began backpedaling on his version of events.

4) In some ways, Shaw is guilty of the worst kind of pathological lie. In others, he’s painfully naive. To not understand that he’s not a nobody, that as a team captain at USC you just can’t expect to fabricate the type of story you did and not have the national media descend upon you to go all “Tell Lara Spencer exactly how it happened” and “Oh, can we get you in a two-shot with your nephew?” Really, now, Mo’ne Davis is SOOOO last week. In the immortal words of Geno Auriemma, “What a dope.”

5) No one –especially not me–is accusing Shaw of doing anything wrong. Except lying. But lying is a pretty big one. Especially a lie as big and bold and intricate as this one. For those who say, “All he did was lie, there was no harm done,” all I can ask is, “Are you already a congressman or a senator?” How sad and depraved.

6) Whatever Josh Shaw WAS up to on Saturday night, he considered it worth jeopardizing his standing at USC to lie about it and concoct this bizarre story. Why not just say he was goofing off with friends and tried to jump off a wall? He’s a college kid on a Saturday night. There’s lots of ways to claim you hurt your ankle without bringing a drowning seven year-old family member into the story.

7) He wanted it known he was in Palmdale, an hour north (and home of Lennay Kekua, incidentally) and not in L.A. Why? Finally, might it just be possible that he was getting a kick out of not only not getting in trouble for whatever went down at the Orsini Apartments, but for manipulating USC into making him a hero? Might there have been a little Ferris Bueller action going on, and might he not have been a little proud of himself for how shrewd he was? Maybe?

3. Hill Country

Hill was surrounded all night by Cock blockers and actually flourished.

The answer to “How will Texas A&M replace Johnny Manziel?” is “44 for 60 with 511 yards and 3 TDs in his debut, which just happened to come on the road in the SEC in a Thursday night game on national television.”

Or you can just say, “Kenny Hill.” The red-shirt sophomore out of Southlake, Texas, broke Manziel’s school passing yards and completions record in his debut. The Aggies won 52-28, somewhat muting the Ol’ Ball Coach on this evening in Columbia.

Also starring: Aggie true freshman defensive back Armani Watts, who made a series of terrific hits against the Gamecocks. Keep an eye on him.

4. Eye of the Liger

As soon as he throws this football over that mountain, Uncle Rico is headed to St. Louis for a tryout.

An oral history of Napoleon Dynamite? I’ll read it if I feel like it! GOL!

5. Oh! J. Simpson

With last night’s win in 3:59.92, Simpson earns the season championship in the world’s only prestigious track and field “league.”

Track stars don’t earn quite what NBA or MLB players do, so forgive Jenny Simpson her excitement at winning last night’s 1500 in Zurich and with it the Diamond League season championship and an extra $50,000. Watch Simpson hold off fellow American Shannon Rowbury over the final 50 meters and dive for pay dirt as if she were that other Simpson.

Simpson wins by .01 of a second.

By the way, the British announcer here, whose name I don’t know, is cracking good.

Reserves

That was last year. This time Petit, tied at 45 hitters in a row with Mark Buehrle, would not be denied.

Rule 27

You know Rule 27: “You can always see something you’ve never seen before in baseball.” Last night San Francisco Giant pitcher Yusmeiro Petit retired the first eight Colorado Rockies batters he faced, bringing his total to a Major League-record of 46 in a row, before surrendering a hit.

Because it’s baseball, of course the batter who ended Petit’s streak was Rockies pitcher Jordan Lyles.

Petit’s streak stretched over eight games, most of them in relief. You may recall that last September, while on another streak, Petit retired 26 consecutive Arizona batters in one game before this happened.

Goodell Hunting: NFL commissioner walks the final step in the road to maturity: admitting he was wrong. It’s a start, Roger Goodell.

Frozen Water: The Ice Bucket Challenge Curse continues…

Mr & Mrs. Smith Finally Tie The Knot (as opposed to “tie the Nazi” which is something Aldo Raine would have gladly done)

Where in the World?

It’s been so long, I’ll refresh your memory with the previous one:

The Metropol Parasol, located in Seville, Spain, is made entirely of wood (heh, heh)

Today’s…

Hint: It’s the world’s tallest…

Remote Patrol

Saturday

Navy’s Under Anchor helmets

FOOTBALL!!!!!!

No. 5 Ohio State at Navy….Noon, CBS Sports Net

No one actually enjoys playing the Midshipmen

No. 7 UCLA at Virginia…..Noon, ESPN

Myles Jack on the East Coast

BPL: Chelsea at Everton….. NBC, 12:30 p.m.

Honk if you hate John Terry

West Virginia vs. No. 2 Alabama….3:30, ABC

Katherine Webb ain’t walkin’ through that door (alas, a lass)

Rice at No. 17 Notre Dame….3:30, NBC

Who will be the fifth suspended starter? And how will Kathryn Tappen do?

Arkansas at No. 6 Auburn…. 4 p.m., SEC Net

Over/under on number of plays Nick Marshall sits? Seven

No. 16 Clemson at No. 12 Georgia…5:30 p.m., ESPN

It’s Georgia’s year. I can feel it.

Fresno State at No. 15 USC….7:30 p.m., FOX

The game is actually at 10:40 p.m in Palmdale. Tune in then.

No. 1 Florida State vs. Oklahoma State…8 p.m., ABC

King Crab vs. Eskimo Joe’s

No. 14 Wisconsin vs. No. 13 LSU….9 p.m., ESPN

Leonard Fournette versus Melvin Gordon. Run-fest.

Starting Five*

Now with five actual items…

“How big a fib did you tell? Oh, that big?”

1. He Was Just Josh-in’

USC cornerback Josh Shaw will definitely not be showering with his teammates this week.

The Josh Shaw Playlist, available for perusal to the Stanford Band for the Trojans’ game in the Alto of Palo on September 6:

“Holding Out For A Hero”……Bonnie Tyler (thanks to Jamie Reidy)

“Rescue Me”………Aretha Franklin

“Hero”…..Mariah Carey

“Free Fallin'” …..Tom Petty

“Hero Takes a Fall”….The Bangles

“Jump”…..Van Halen

“Reason I’m Alive”….Drowning Pool

“Would I Lie to You?” Eurhythmics

“The Man Who Fell to Earth”….David Bowie

“Unbelievable”…..EMF

“Jumper”….Third Eye Blind

The Orsini Apts., just a hop, skip and a jump from USC’s campus.

Shaw’s alibi –I was rescuing my seven year-old nephew from drowning– may seem far-fetched now, but his original story was worse: Raymond Burr and I got in a scuffle over a camera strobe.

You’re right: No one will ever believe this.

Interesting coincidences with USC’s sexiest rival, Notre Dame:

1) The man who originated the Lennay Kekua catfishing scheme actually lives in Palmdale, where Shaw first said he was on Saturday night (it’s his hometown).

2) Cody Riggs, a grad student with a final year of eligibility remaining, just transferred to  Notre Dame and from Florida and will start at cornerback Saturday. He and Shaw were teammates and position mates in Gainesville for two seasons.

By the way, an on-air reporter for ESPN described Shaw as “articulate” this week.

2. The Red Grange Award

He’s black and sports dreads: “That looks like my boyfriend, Josh Shaw.”

As you know, tonight college football season actually begins (Did you notice that they rolled out a red carpet as a pre-show earlier this week?), which means this is our final chance to post a Red Grange Award prediction without compromise.

As you also may know, the Red Grange honors the most spectacularly awesome football player of that season. It’s named after a player who fits that description, as opposed to a coach who runs up 222-0 scores on people. Anyway, last year’s deserving winner was Myles Jack of UCLA.

Some of my favorites to consider this season: Marcus Mariota (Oregon), Jameis Winston (FSU), Jack, Everett Golson (Notre Dame), Nick Marshall (Auburn), Melvin Gordon (Wiscy) and Leonard Fournette (LSU). But my predicted winner is a guy I’ve been very high on for two seasons now, the Gurley Man, a.k.a. Todd Gurley of Georgia.

3. “The Sea Was Angry That Day…”

Rough surf on both coasts yesterday due to offshore hurricanes. For us mortals, it meant be careful with the boogie boards, while for Laird Hamilton it meant One More Chance to be Awesome. The surfing legend shot the pier at Malibu, which is highly dangerous (in fact, just a day earlier a surfer died here), but if you’ve read The Wave by Susan Casey, you realize Laird is half-god. Maybe more.

4. Team of Rivals (Not Really)

I won’t stop until Emma Coburn (above) and Jenny Simpson are household names

The last two women to hold the American steeplechase record happen to be close friends and former college teammates: Jenny Simpson, 28, had her five year-old American record eclipsed by Emma Coburn, 23, last month. Simpson is now one of the world’s premier 1500 runners –she was the world champion in 2011 and won a meet in Stockholm last week.

Both Coburn and Simpson, Colorado alums, run today in a meet in Zurich. Both the American records in the 3,000-meter steeple and the 1500 could fall. It’s the last time they’ll run in the same meet for awhile, as Coburn has to book home to Crested Butte, Colorado, for her older sister’s wedding on Saturday. Every second really does count.

5. The Ice Bucket Challenge Curse

Lauer survived his drenching…

It’s bad enough that Corey Griffin, a co-founder of the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS, died a week ago. Griffin, 27, drowned after jumping off a building into the surf on the island of Nantucket. At 2 a.m. Alcohol may have been involved?

And then a Scottish teen died in an Ice Bucket Challenge-related stunt.

And then there’s this woman.

And this man, who is unidentified, but you may know him. How did he survive this?

Starting Five

Did you find the Emmys Boron?

1. The Heisenberg Certainty Principle

Outstanding Drama (Breaking Bad). Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama (Bryan Cranston) Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama (Anna Gunn). Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama (Aaron Paul). Outstanding Writer in a Drama (Moira Walley-Beckett).

It looks like Walter White won, after all. And then when you add the smooch with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, a big fat middle finger to all those anti-dentites out there. Well played, Sneaky Pete.

Dr. Watley, I declare!

Hey, you know me. I think True Detective is the bee’s knees.* And Game of Thrones and Mad Men, are to me, also both better than Breaking Bad. But none of those three shows had a show hosted by Chris Hardwick that immediately followed them, and none of them bowed out after last season. Next year it’ll be Don Draper’s turn, like it or not.

*I’m consciously endeavoring to employ more Katie McCollow-approved phrases in my repertoire.

2. The Leftovers…

Three of these actors are multi-millionaires. The other is still waiting for the film version of “Mango” to be greenlit.

…is what every actor or series nominated against either Breaking Bad or a previous winner were left to scrounge for last night. Has an awards show ever been so guilty of being a repeat before? You want to see the Guilty Remnant? It’s the people who vote for Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates and Modern Family without even having watched TV all year.

Although, to be fair, I do believe Kathy Bates won for “Best Proprietor of an Upstate New York B&B.”

True Detective’s casting director deserved an Emmy for finding a phethora of brilliant character actors, among them Carter

I’ve said it before, but Brad Carter as Charlie Lange in just two scenes of “True Detective” deserved an Emmy for Outstanding Guest Actor. And Veep is the funniest show on television.

The second season of True Detective should revolve around two partners investigating why and how Modern Family always wins Best Comedy.

3. …and The Leftovers

“Are you a good guy?” “No–but my dad is.”

It only took eight episodes, but The Leftovers finally provided us with a compelling hour of television, start to finish. Chronologically, Sunday night’s episode would come first in the series. I understand why they waited so long to hand it to us –we needed to build up an emotional investment into the characters–but the show’s creators nearly slow-played their hand to cancellation.

Officer Kevin Garvey had a wonderful life –and a nicer home– but felt trapped. Wife Laurie wears makeup and can even speak but knows something is up. Daughter Jill is a dream child, while older son Tom stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bag just long enough to come home. And Grandpa has short hair and isn’t crazy–though he looks better long-haired and crazy. Oh, and Nora Durst is a loving mother whose husband is a deadbeat.

Jill Garvey (Margaret Qualley), who will go from presenting science fair experiments to being one (the fridge). The actress’ mom? Andie McDowell (I didn’t, either)

The final three minutes of Sunday’s episode was magical. Great tension as we got to be voyeurs, to see that life was actually taking place, messy as it is, just as that moment on October 13, 2011, happened. Sure, there were hints: the crack in the wall a the Garvey’s home, the crack in the coffee mug, the blown manhole cover, the car-full of middle-aged future GRers stopping to ask Kevin if he was ready.

Knowing what we knew what was about to happen, and that the characters were oblivious to it, amped the tension. Great stuff.

Now where do you go?

An aside: Has there ever been an HBO show with a greater disproportional display of male to female toplessness?

4. A Hole in England*

There are more than a few Brits who wish that this hole had appeared beneath Stamford Bridge

This sinkhole, located in County Durham in the far northeast of England, has gone from nothing to massive in just a week. Apparently, it’s located above an old lead mine. I see a BBC show coming out of this: Littler Britain.

The English are renowned for their bottomless pith. But now a bottomless pit?

*As opposed to A-hole in England, in which case we’d have placed a photo of Chelsea captain John Terry. 

5. Gregg Allman, Brother

Did the New York Times overstep its bounds by describing Michael Brown, who was laid to rest on Monday, as “no angel?” You can decide for yourself. On one hand, as many have pointed out, there “are no angels” among the living (seriously, you’ve never met Phyllis if you believe that).

On the other, as the news seems to have been tilted –before all the facts of the incident are fully known –that Brown was an innocent victim of an over-aggressive law enforcement officer –and there seems to be little outrage in the media, per se, over that characterization– I happen to think it’s a valid point.

It seems, if Brown were a living person, that this description would not be offensive but closer to accurate. Although I think the convenience store footage already told us that (it’s not the theft of the Swisher Sweets that is the troubling part, by the way; it’s the bullying and shoving of a clerk just trying to make a living). But, since Brown has been killed by a police officer’s bullets, many see the “no angel” line as the NYT trying to say that Brown might have deserved it.

Which, of course, is an opinion you’re welcome to have. But it’s not journalism’s job to spare anyone’s feelings. It’s journalism’s job to pile you with facts. And, in the context of the NYT story, I didn’t see where the “no angel” line was out of bounds. Your mileage may vary.

Starting Five

Somewhere a baton twirler is missing a costume

1. Bey Watch

The VMA’s aired on MTV last night, even though they should probably stream live on YouTube these days. When is the last time you tuned in to MTV to see a music video? (Answer: When is the last time I tuned in to MTV, period?)?

First, I want you to make a visit to Rihanna…

You do have to hand it to the VMAs, though. Instead of the standard girl-on-girl kiss as a play at shock value, they went with an attempted murder on the eve of the telecast. Someone pumped six shots into Suge Knight in what apparently was an attempted hit on either Chris Brown or Justin Bieber. We always knew that Suge was the world’s biggest gangsta, but now he just went Vito Corleone on the world, surviving six bullet wounds. The last person you want to be right now is the guy who failed on this hit. Suge has a few friends in the joint.

That linked LA Times article, by the way, notes that club goers at 10AK, as gunshots rang out, were “sent screaming and shouting into the streets with their hands in the air.” No mention, though, of whether or not they seemed to care.

2. The Mountain Wins Again*

Oberyn Martell finished a distant second, we presume

You may know him as The Mountain, or Gregor Clegane, or the Hound’s cruel older brother, but his parents know him as Hafthor Bjornsson. Last week the Icelandic (and Westeros) giant, 6-9 and 400 pounds, was crowned Europe’s Strongest Man.  The Toronto Sun cheekily noted that “no horses were hurt during this competition.”

*Should all five items employ lame ’90s references today? I’m still debating…

3. Walking on Broken Glass

The above photo was taken by a GFoMH, David Duncan, who besides being an old college friend is also the owner of Silver Oak Cellars. Life is not always a cabernet, as the weekend’s earthquake in Napa Valley proved, but David and his wonderful physcian wife, Kari (yet another Class of ’88 Domer) will rebound. Please support their return–you didn’t really want that Chilean red, anyway.

4. Tax Day

Punk’d meets punctured

No two words strike more fear into America than these: “Triathlon Vandals.” A national scourge. At the Steamboat (Colo.) Triathlon, staged earlier this month, hundreds of tacks were found strewn across Highway 131, causing 28 flat tires (fortunately, triathletes are renowned for their easy manner and que-sera attitude toward life, so nobody got their triathlon suit in a bunch). What’s next? Piranhas in the lake? Vinegar at the marathon water stations?

5. Black or White

We’ve come a long way since Irv Cross (whom I always liked)

Our friend Richard Deitsch –really, he is our friend– posed this question on Twitter: “What is the ceiling for an African-American sports host?” to introduce a Q&A he did with ESPN’s Michael “Not A.” Smith and Jemele Hill. Another friend, who is an on-air media person and may not want his name used, responded thusly, “Oh, I don’t know, hosting The NFL Today (James Brown), or the NCAA Tournament studio show on CBS  (Greg Gumbel) or NBA Countdown on ABC (Sage Steele), or Real Sports on HBO (Bryant Gumbel) or FOX NFL Sunday (Curt Menefee) or being the lead college football team for FOX (Gus Johnson and Charles Davis)…or co-hosting Live! with Kelly & Michael (Michael Strahan) or co-hosting Good Morning America on ABC (Robin Roberts and Strahan) or CBS This Morning (Gayle King) or…I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Remote Patrol

Emmy Awards

NBC 8 p.m.

I don’t own a TV. I’ll be home contemplating the moment in the garden…

Time really is a flat circle. The Emmys, which usually take place on a Sunday evening in September, air on a Monday evening in August. Expect tributes to Don Pardo and Robin Williams, but not to the Yellow King or Todd’s uncle. If you miss the show, we’ll have a recap here tomorrow and you’ll probably get the real dirt from Ryantology.net.

–

Starting Five

In this SI cover from a year ago, Balotelli is seen standing on water, arms outstretched in crucifixion mode.

1. Bad Boy Toys

(The judges will also accept, “We’re going down to Liverpool to do nothing…”)

Last season Liverpool had a wonderful problem on its hands: Luis Suarez. The Uruguayan striker-biter led the EPL in goals scored by a wide margin despite being sidelined for five matches due to a suspension (re: cannibalism).

Suarez scored 31 goals in 33 games and was the consensus Premier League Player of the Year as Liverpool finished second and qualified for Champions League play. Then he bit someone else, in a World Cup defeat, against Italy, in a match in which Mario Balotelli (like Suarez, one of the five best strikers in the world when he’s on) played.

Suarez was suspended from soccer for like, I dunno, you look it up, a long time. So Liverpool sold him to F.C. Barcelona, where he will now team up with Lionel Messi –so arguably the world’s two top footballers on the same side.

Are Suarez and Balotelli big deals? Do you know how often soccer players make the cover of SI?

And so Liverpool, which is right near the summit when it comes to world’s wealthiest football teams, has gone and purchased Balotelli from A.C. Milan. Mario was the world’s most notorious footballer before Suarez acquired a taste for human flesh. This should be interesting.

FWIW, Balotelli spent a few seasons with Manchester City, which is only an hour east of Liverpool, so he’s familiar with the region.

2. One of These Will Finish Fourth

“You’re the smartest man I’ve ever met, and you’re too dumb to see they made up their minds we were going to win Best Drama nine months ago”

The Emmys will air on Monday night…your host is Seth Meyers and I’m truly hoping for cameos from Stefon and Olya Povlatsky. But here’s the thing, kids. How loaded is the Best Drama category?

Game of Thrones

Mad Men

Breaking Bad

True Detective

House of Cards

Downton Abbey

Roger Sterling does not care that you didn’t nominate him for Best Supporting Actor…he just wants to know where the bar is located

I’ve never watched the final two, but look at those top four. None of them deserves to finish in second place, much less third or fourth (for this reason, I’m 98% certain that Downton Abbey will win).

What will happen? I believe True Detective should win, but I think voters will punish it for hubris. You would’ve won Best Mini-Series in a slam-dunk, but you had to be pushy. Tough luck, Rust Cohle. Besides, none of us have ever even auditioned for Nick What’s-His-Name. Game of Thrones is excellent, but voters will not want to admit to loving it (Lena Headey will probably get stiffed on Best Supporting Actress in a Drama as well, though she deserves it).

Timothy C. Simons, who plays Jonah Ryan, wuz robbed by not garnering a Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy nom. And if “Veep” doesn’t win Best Comedy, the Emmys are dead to me.

Which would bring it down to a pair of AMC dramas, Mad Men or Breaking Bad. Both outstanding. Mad Men is about as genius as it gets, but Breaking Bad has bowed out, and everyone loved it, too. BB will win this year and then MM, whose final season is coming up, will win next year, as a way for the voters to say thank you.

Worth noting: Walking Dead not nominated, nor did it deserve to be. Also, none of the six nominees come from network television.

3. Awkward Silence?

Mark it down: Austin Kryszczuk will play Major League Baseball…and probably before I learn to spell his name without having to look it up

Not sure if you’ve heard, but America still has a few problems with racism. Fortunately, we’ve got the Little League World Series to take our minds off the troubles in Ferguson. Let’s see who’s playing tomorrow for the U.S. championship. Here we go…lemme see…oh, here….it’s Mountain Ridge Little League out of Las Vegas, reperesenting the West, versus Jackie Robinson West Little League out of Chicago, representing the Midwest….says here that Mountain Ridge’s team is entirely made up of white players, while Jackie Robinson’s is entirely made up of African-American players.

The kids from Mountain West are named as if their parents’ favorite show was Saved By the Bell (and maybe it was): Austin, Dallan, Brennan, Zach, etc. The closer for Jackie Robinson West is named Marquis.

Wondering if the gang at ESPN will make any mention of this…

4. This Interview

Lemon never backed down to Kweli. I give him the win here.

You decide for yourself. Contrary to the Daily News headline, this is not a “disastrous” interview at all; it’s illuminating for what it reveals without even attempting to: the simmering-below-the-surface temper, the heightened concern about being “disrespected.” True confession, and this will not surprise you: I own no Taleb Kweli albums.

And, so you have it, here’s Bill O’Reilly of FOX News having returned from vacation (Bridge Hampton? East Hampton? Wainscott?) and unleashing some furor on the coverage of this story. Regardless of your opinion of FOX News, he’s mostly on-target here.

5. Sam Smith=Tom Petty

Right down to the same number of letters in the first and last names…

Sam Smith: Never covered the Chicago Bulls in MJ’s heyday

Well, I won’t back down

No I won’t back down

Won’t you stay with me

Cuz you’re all I need

You can stand me up at the gates of Hell,

But I won’t back down

This ain’t love, it’s clear to see

But, darling, stay with me…

Tom Petty: Is used to musicians plagiarizing his chord processions. Remember Dani California?

Thank you, Katie, for yesterday’s edition of Medium Happy: Unplugged, although I still don’t understand why you chose so many Meat Puppets covers. Oh, well. Am I the only one who searched for the trailer of Peace, Love and Misunderstanding only to find a naked Alice Cooper strutting about?

Starting Five

1. Remember Her Mane

Found myself seated on a hill beyond the right-center field wall for last night’s game between Taney Little League of Philadelphia and Mountain Ridge of Las Vegas. Love Mo’Ne Davis, but last night she was going up against the Yankees (not New York, but from The Bad News Bears) and I do believe Vic Morrow was coaching them. Worth noting: it was possible to visit Komodo dragons at Reptiland, just 15 miles south of Williamsport, and then watch the Taney Dragons play at Lamade Stadium last night. So that’s cool.

At Reptiland, the tenant wonders how a Longhorn skull found its way into his dwelling.

2. Pardo the Interruption

I’ve got Will Ferrell narrowly edging Eddie Murphy in the final

To commemorate the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live –even though the season premiere is, what, like six weeks away–Grantland seeded the entire cast, from 1975 to 2014, March Madness-style (slap in the face to Julia Louis-Dreyfus and her husband, Brad Hall, whose bubbles burst; that or they’re in the Dayton regional) I’m impressed by the care taken in the seeding. For example, as funny as he is, Chris Rock was not that good on SNL. The 12 seed fits him. And while it’s difficult to imagine Chris Farley as a 4 seed in his own bracket, the other three seeds –Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman and Mike Myers–were very, very strong on the show.

Your No. 1 seeds? Eddie Murphy, Carvey, Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig. The easiest regional is the most recent (“Digital Kids”), while the first two eras (Adam Sandler, for example, is a 5-seed) are loaded.

3. Something About Sports

I like this heading. Thanks, Katie. Maybe we’ll just keep this.

Altuve and teammate Chris Carter, who is bigger

The shortest player in Major League Baseball is Jose Altuve of the Houston No-Longer-Lastros. Altuve stands five-feet-five. He also is currently leading the big leagues in both Batting Average (.336) and Hits (175). When is the last time baseball’s shortest player led in either category? I don’t know, but neither Freddie Patek (also 5’5″) nor Eddie Gaedel (3’7″) ever did.

Gaedel retired and founded a blog called Small Happy, the success of which suffered due to the internet being decades away from its debut

4. Great Moments…

…in the Ice Bucket Challenge before it even existed.

Jennifer Beals in Flashdance:

Bill Parcells, courtesy of Harry Carson, at the Super Bowl:

Julie Andrews, prepping for a scene in The Sound of Music...

…and Varys Targaryen, with an assist from Khal Drogo (thanks to MIB for the reminder)

5. Shake vs. Snake

Anaconda: One female artist’s response to “Baby Got Back”

I’m not savvy enough about the music biz to understand why Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift would each release much-hyped music videos within days of one another during the dying days of summer. Only smart enough to know that they’re wholly unlike one another. If you haven’t seen them, here’s Minaj’s “Anaconda” (NSFP) and Swift’s “Shake It Off.”

Cutie, with no booty.

Starting Five

1. “I Call Shotgu–uh, Never Mind!”

Last night Captain Ron appeared on CNN at around 1 a.m . Eastern time and in the midst of answering questions posed him by Don Lemon and Jake Tapper, invited them to hang out with him tomorrow (this) evening. You’ve never seen two cable news guys so excited. I’d love to see Anderson Cooper big-time them on this and demand to be air-dropped into Ferguson for this ride-along.

Meanwhile, a white photographer was tear-gassed and he became CNN’s top story for 20 minutes. He told Lemon, who asked him if he’d ever witnessed anything like this, that, yeah, he had because he’s from Albuquerque…where police have killed 26 people the past four years. Including this guy. And this guy. Gus Fring is impressed.

Of course, they’re standing behind a white line

And I loved when Lemon asked the freelance photographer if he was going to go to the hospital. The photog shot him a “Child, please” look as if to say, “Hospitals are for you corporate types with health care. I’ll just rub some dirt on it.”

That’s Errol Barnett, not Erin Burnett.

Also last night: CNN went to its London studios for late-night coverage, where Rosemary Church wondered aloud why police in Ferguson would not “perhaps use, water cannons?” And watch the look that co-host Errol Barnett, a man whom I am convinced was constructed in a secret lab to be the Africanized version of Anderson Cooper, reacts.

I hope someone shows Rosemary this video before she returns to air.

He really wants a Liter-O-Cola!

We still don’t know exactly how it went down between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson. What I do feel pretty confident saying, though, is that the police seem to prefer bullying to building bonds through civil discourse. It’s as if they’ve all seen Super Troopers and modeled themselves after Farva.

Finally, this is hilarious and oh so Fox News.

2.  Notre Dame’s Conundrum

Not the best lab partner

Yes, I’m a proud Notre Dame alumnus. I’m proud that I attended a school that excels on the athletic field –it won the Capital One Cup for overall athletic excellence in Men’s Sports this past school year–and in the classroom, where it is currently ranked No. 17 in U.S. News & World Report.

But, having spent four years there as a student and many autumns there since, I also know this: the football players are no more representative of the overall academic prestige of the student body as my friends in Dillon Hall and I were representative of the football players’ gridiron prowess.

Sure, he’s a cardiologist now–but he was also the kicker (and a damn reliable one)

To say that a Notre Dame football player is a typical Notre Dame student in the classroom is to say that I belonged on the two-deep because I passed Emil Hofman’s General Chemistry class (although I did catch a pass Steve Beurlein threw me at the end of practice one day; my roommate was a student manager and got me in).

Yes, I know –not believe, know–that as an institution Notre Dame does the right thing. But I also know that it opens the door for the investigation (no one has been found guilty of any wrongdoing) when it admits young men, almost all of whom are of good character, into a school where the course load is often over their heads.

“Mama said knock you…”

Still, this video by 120 Sports is frighteningly cynical. If I’m to extrapolate Ro Parrish’s thoughts here, then recruits may be scared off of attending Oklahoma simply because they now know they can’t put a bitch in her place when she gets out of line. Sure, it seemed that OU would be fine with that when it accepted Dorial Green-Beckham, but now that it suspended Joe Mixon for the season, well…

3. “Tell Him What He’s Won!”

“It’s Saturday Night Live, with….”

The inimitable Don Pardo, the greatest unseen voice of my childhood next to Mel Blanc, passed away yesterday at the age of 96. It was Pardo who told contestants on games shows such as Jeopardy! and The Price is Right what they had won, and it was Pardo who did the roll call at the opening of Saturday Night Live from day one in 1975 all the way to last May (he missed one year of 39).

Pardo actually joined NBC in 1944–at at time when World War II was still undecided.

Besides the near four decades of introducing SNL each week, Pardo is also a legitimate part of U.S. history. It was he who provided the first NBC News bulletin after JFK’s assassination.

Don Pardo leaves us at the age of 96. But he will receive some lovely parting gifts.

4. Our Tillery?

He won’t pancake you. He’ll Jerry-mander you.

The young man on the left, Jerry Tillery, is rather large. He stands six-foot-seven, 317 pounds and is beginning his senior year at highly renowned (at least for football) Evangel Christian in Ruston, La. This photo may provide better evidence of his size differential to other players his age.

What I love about Tillery is that he’s kind of a nerd. The Notre Dame verbal commit –and I know, that means zilch — has a 4.0 GPA. But, he was spotted last spring taking in the LSU Spring Game. A change of heart. “To be honest, I didn’t go down to Baton Rouge for the spring game,” Tillery told a newspaper. “I was there for the state literary test.”

5.  Johnny, Are You Queer?

It’s actually third down, Johnny, not first

I’m with Jason McIntyre of The Big Lead on this: don’t get your panties in a bunch over JFF giving the MF to the Team Whose Name Cannot Be Mentioned. They laughed, after all.

And, as the Oscar Wilde of American sportswriting, Jason Gay, wondered, “Um isn’t making people pay for preseason tickets also kind of an obscene gesture?”

The problem for the Browns is this: How much do you want your QB, whose not the next Peyton Manning, being Topic No. 1 on First Ache and PTI and ATH and The View? How much noise is worth this? Isn’t that what eventually made Tim Tebow quartbacka non grata?

Let Johnny be Johnny? Okay. But it’s beginning to suffocate the league. I mean, wasn’t Michael Sam supposed to be the distraction?

******

Finally, I am overjoyed to announce that we’ve secured the services, one day per week for as long as she doesn’t grow bored of it, of the utterly fabulous Katie McCollow to steer the MH ship. Katie’s pretty much my favorite humorist. Please, everyone, shower her with welcomes tomorrow and tell her that her hair looks nice.

Honestly, there’s too much happening. We’ll do what we can to cover it.

Starting Five

It’s all for a good cause

1. Ice Bucket List Challenge

When did donating money to a good cause become a blatant act of self-promotion? I get it: celebrities dousing themselves in a bucket of ice water draws attention. Which raises awareness. Which spikes donations.

But it feels as if we’ve crossed the Rubicon on this. Now it’s more like, “Well, if you don’t let someone videotape yourself being self-icing a bro, you want people to die of ALS. And you’re just mean.”

Larry David covered this ground –brilliantly– in a terrific episode of “Curb…” with Ted Danson. 

My dream? Someone issues Meadowlark Lemon the Ice Bucket Challenge and then he allows someone to toss a bucket of confetti over his head.

2. Ferguson

Captain Ron (left) meets with protesters

A few thoughts on the Ferguson crisis, some of which you may not like:

1) There are two sides to every story, and I’m not even certain we’ve heard one of them yet. To quote Fr. John Jenkins of Notre Dame, who was speaking about another matter entirely, the rush to judgment here may be “premature.” What I do know is that we don’t know. And that this eyewitness account is only going to upset some people more.

Officer Darren Wilson

2) It’s been three days, and I still don’t know anything more about Darren Wilson other than he is a six-year veteran of the Ferguson P.D. and that he is 28. Where did he grow up? Where did he attend high school? College, yes or no? Married? Kids? Anything in his background to point to his having a short fuse or problems with minorities?

3. Of course no one deserves to die because they stole a pack of Swisher Sweets. And of course it’s coarse for the police to release that “DVD extra” as they grudgingly release Wilson’s name. But you know what? It IS slightly relevant. Why? Because it goes to Michael Brown’s state of mind when he was confronted by a police cruiser not long afterward. The photo of Michael Brown lying dead in the street is ugly because the entire situation is awful. But maybe a little patience is in order here.

4. I’m more than a little over the embedded media practicing the “Look at us” journalism. This isn’t Selma. Sorry. A young man was shot down in midday on a street by a policeman. We still don’t know all of the extenuating circumstances. Getting yourself arrested or tear-gassed doesn’t make you a better journalist. It makes you a voyeur. What happened to Wes Lowery of the Washington Post last week–that was real news. Everything since has felt like a battle for attention.

5. No, I’m not “blaming the victim” when I point out that in a town that is two-thirds African-American only 12% of the African-Americans voted in the last election*. The point is that towns operate best when their leadership is representative of the general population.  If 35 of Ferguson’s 53 police officers were African-American, as opposed to three of the 53, my guess is that the Michael Brown tragedy is very unlikely to happen. Statistically alone, the chances would’ve been two out of three that the cop who came across him would’ve been black and would’ve handled it better.

*I’m told the 12% figure is for the entire town, not just African-American voters. Still, two-thirds of Ferguson IS African-American.

6. I’m sorry, Dorin Johnson, but you lost me. You went on the cable news shows and gave your account of the shooting without ever mentioning what you’d been involved in less than half an hour earlier. You surrendered the moral high ground. So I’m a little more skeptical of how the police cruiser’s car door just accidentally got pushed back in when Officer Wilson opened it –you described it as an accident.

7. Is everything that folks, from Bill Maher to John Oliver, are saying about the militarization of police forces true? Sure. In fact, as follower Jim Leahy reminds us, The Andy Griffith Show covered this ground more than 50 years ago. Do the Ferguson PD have a PhD in incompetence when it comes to handling the aftermath of Brown’s killing? Certainly. Will that photo of the Fallujah Invasion cops pointing their weapons at an unarmed black person as a mailbox in the background has the words “F___ the Police” haunt this town and this era of law enforcement for a long, long time? Yes.

But does any of that directly impact the evidence of Michael Brown’s killing? No. Time will tell.

8. A few African-Americans who follow –followed?–me on Twitter said that Captain Ron Johnson is a “puppet.” I found that a little sad. To me he’s pulling heroic duty, stepping into a racial gulf and trying to soothe a situation before anyone else needlessly dies.

3. Football Returns: Size the Day!

Jason Gay of WSJ likened this moment to “Armstrong walking on the moon.”

The opening weekend of the Barclays Premier League saw the NBC debut of the Men in Blazers, (listen to how often Rebecca Lowe giggles off-camera) a pair of awesome no-look, heel-touch assists (for Liverpool and Manchester City) and an awesome fan penalty kick that the keeper, much to my delight, still felt the need to save. Love that.

Last week –and we all saw this coming back in June– the Michael and Rog visited GFOP Seth Meyers.

Also, worth noting:

Steven Naismith                                                                       Stephen A. Smith

Rebecca Lowe                                                                                                              Rebecca Lobo

4. Story Arc of a Diver

Windle already has a gold-medal smile

Meet Jordan Windle, a 15 year-old Cambodian native who was orphaned before his first birthday and then adopted by a gay American man, Jerry Windle. Who is now married. Yesterday Windle convincingly won the U.S. Men’s Diving 10-Meter platform championships and he is now a legitimate medal threat in Brazil. I cannot wait to tell Ann Coulter!

Jerry and Jordan have already written a book about their lives, in fact.

5. Nice Mug

Grudging Admiration. Extra credit for making the T-shirt orange

This is Robert Burt, 19, of Pittsfield, Maine. The charge: Driving under the influence and operating a vehicle without a license.