by John Walters

A Medium Happy 65th to Tuscaloosa’s Saint Nick

Starting Five

Chase Appleby rustled up Brett Rypien, sending the football and Boise State’s major bowl hopes backward.

1. Road Kill

Seven up, four down.

Seven unbeatens did the “Road Trip!” thing last Saturday. Three of them (Michigan, Clemson, Washington) won and will be amongst the Selection Committee’s top four in its initial rankings tomorrow. The other four—Nebraska, Baylor, West Virginia and Boise State—lost.

Most notable defeat? The Broncos, who gave up a safety in the final 90 seconds at Wyoming to lose 30-28. I’m not sure if there’s ever been a more noteworthy sports moment in the state of Wyoming.

Jabrill Peppers (5) and Michigan were the only unbeaten to go on the road and win by more than a touchdown, in East Lansing. Wolverines are legit.

Two implications: 1) Right now the playoff four is set, barring an upset, which there will almost certainly be. Keep an eye on Bama at LSU, Auburn at Bama, Michigan at Ohio State (hardly an upset), and USC at U-Dub. 2) Western Michigan, which only plays one more team with a winning record, is going to be your Group of 5 major bowl selection.

I’m offended that they allowed a fan into the game with this.

Is this what @UWMadison and @UWBadgers supports? pic.twitter.com/izvzMOqgEG

— Nigel Hayes (@NIGEL_HAYES) October 30, 2016

Meanwhile in Madison, two fans dressed up for Halloween (?) as POTUS in a noose. They were not kicked out of the Nebraska-Wisconsin game, just told to remove the costume. Outspoken Badger ‘baller Nigel Hayes had a problem with that.

2. Cub Your Enthusiasm

Bryant did homer last night, but the probable NL MVP has spent much of the Fall Classic walking back to the dugout with this miserable look on his face

Chicago avoids elimination with a 3-2 win and an eight-out save by Aroldis Chapman, whose cap was festooned with “JF 16” in honor of fallen countryman Jose Fernandez.

Meanwhile, here’s what the Cubs (cough cough, Kris Bryant and Javy Baez) should work on during today’s off day: not striking out. The Cubs have whiffed 53 times through five games, or 10.6 times per game. They’ve drawn just 15 walks as opposed to that. Throw out Game 2, where they drew 8 walks and struck out just 8 times, and those figures would be 45 and 5 (of course, you can’t throw out 20% of a sample to make a point, unless you’re FiveThirtyEight.com, which we are not).

3. Setting His Own Pace

Cheesecake became the first four-time Pac-12 X-Country champ

Is it too soon to call Oregon’s Edward Cheserek the best collegiate distance runner of all time? Nope.

Last Friday the senior from Newark (and before that, Kenya) won his fourth consecutive Pac-12 men’s cross-country individual title. A few former Pac-10/Pac-12 runners who never accomplished that feat: Steve Prefontaine, Alberto Salazar, Henry Rono.

A few weeks from now in Terre Haute, Ind., Cheserek, 22, will seek to become the first man to ever win four NCAA X-Country individual titles.

4. Of Emails and Females

Carlos Danger is Trump’s new favorite Latino….

It seems that FBI director James Comey also wanted to be part of the CYA. No, that’s not a typo (for once). I mean he wants to be part of “Cover Your Ass.” In an effort to not later be seen as showing favoritism to the Clinton campaign, he appears to have bent over Simon Biles-style in the other direction by sending a vague letter to Congress last Friday, an unprecedented step.

Be clear on this, history: If the FBI were not independently investigating Anthony Weiner’s sexting, none of this ever comes up. And if Weiner hadn’t been married to Clinton’s top aide, Huma Abedin, that connection never occurs. If you’re wondering how come powerful institutions avoid the spouses or family members of disgraced characters, this is your exhibit A.

Not sure what HRC actually did wrong. Neither is anyone else, including Donald Trump or James Comey. But, like the buzzword “Benghazi!”, it causes the Trump-kins to salivate. There’s just something funny about a presidential candidate who won’t release any of his tax returns preening about his opponent having an uncovered emails problem, no?

Meanwhile, Newsweek’s Kurt Eichenwald notes the hypocrisy of Trump crowing about hidden emails. I love Kurt, and if Trump wins I’ll be sure to visit him monthly in whatever gulag Trump places him in.

5. Jose Fernandez

Aroldis Chapman has been paying tribute to his fallen countryman all postseason

This is not the last word on the Jose Fernandez situation, just the latest. Last Friday the Miami Herald sued the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner’s office for not releasing the autopsy and toxicology reports on the Miami Marlin pitcher, who died in late September in a boating crash that took the lives of himself and two other men on the boat.

That legal action prompted a letter from Miami-Dade mayor Carlos Gimenez that basically said, “Don’t look at us; Florida Fish & Wildlife says this is still an active criminal investigation.”

To which the Miami Herald replied, rightly, “Everyone on board the boat is dead; whom could you be investigating?”

To which Gimenez replied, “Hey, FF&W, you wanna be part of this lawsuit?”

To which FF&W replied, ‘Uh, no.”

To which the ME’s office released the reports, which tell us that Fernandez had cocaine in his system and was intoxicated by nearly twice the legal limit (,147 as compared to .08). The other two victims, Emilo Macias and Eduardo Rivero, both had alcohol levels BELOW the legal limit but the latter had coke in his system.

Meanwhile, authorities have interviewed a “highly reliable” witness who said that Fernandez was not driving, that he was on a cellphone at the time of the crash. None of this brings the three men back, none of it taints what Fernandez did on the diamond. It’s just the latest story, and won’t be the last, of young men being reckless. And paying for it with the highest possible price.

Music 101

Monster Mash

This is the only version of Bobby Pickett’s quirky 1962 “graveyard smash” in which the artist is seen performing it (even if he is lip-synching). Pickett, an aspiring actor, did a Boris Karloff impersonation for friends and they encouraged him to to more with it. This was the result. The lyric “Now my ‘Monster Mash’ is the hit of the land” were prophetic: the song hit No. 1 on the Billboard chart the week before Halloween that year.

Remote Patrol

Scare Fest

Halloween AMC 2 p.m.

The Shining IFC 4:30 p.m. & 7:45 p.m.

House on Haunted Hill TCM 4:30 p.m.

The Strangers SyFY 7 p.m.

Look behind you, Liv!

Best movie of the bunch? “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!” Halloween is the godfather of horny teens -paying-for-it fright fests, House on Haunted Hill is classic Vincent Price, and The Strangers is the spookiest film I’ve seen in the past decade (wish the ending had been a little less sadistic, though)

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 49th to Julia Roberts….

Starting Five

Loop, There It Is(n’t)

Losing both Vine and Vinyl in the same year. This is tough. It’s worse because I still don’t really know what the difference between a Vine and a GIF is. Or why Twitter is dismantling it. Will this affect the quality of your life? Probably so, in a beneficial way.

2. Fast Out of the Gate

A laconic MVP-worthy talent in San Antonio who lost a parent too early in life. We’ve seen this before.

It was only one game but do you realize that Anthony Davis currently leads the NBA in points per game (50) and steals per game (7) and is second in the NBA in rebounds per game (16) and blocks per game (4)?

It was only one game, but do you realize that James Harden (yes, selfish James Harden) leads the NBA in assists per game (17) and that his oft-sulky teammate Dwight Howard leads the NBA in rebounds per game (19)? (UPDATE: Apparently Dwight Howard is now an Atlanta Hawk; no one told me.)

It was only two games, but do you realize that Kawhi Leonard is averaging 32.5 points per game and that is in part due to his being 22-22 from the free throw line?

Also, do you realize that all four of these superstars play along a 550 mile stretch of I-10?

3. Saint Lawrence

The Saints have allowed just six touchdowns in seven games

The stingiest defense in college football belongs to a Division III school located in upstate New York. The St. Lawrence University Saints allow just 5.9 points per game and have shut out four of their seven opponents. The Saints are 7-0 under first-year head coach Dan Puckhaber, an Ithaca alum who used to play professional football in Italy.

By the way, there are a dozen D-III schools that are still 7-0 or better right now.

4. Lonely Island

This is St. Kilda, the outermost island of the Outer Hebrides  (60 or so miles west of the Scottish mainland and 40 miles distant from the closest remote island), that was once inhabited by humans but has since been abandoned.

Humans lived on St. Kilda once, but it is now a ghost town

It’s mostly just gannets and puffins (birds) now. Here’s an article all about it by the BBC. If you ever really, really want to get away from it all.

Above, that’s Stac An Armin, just off St. Kilda and the highest sea stack in the British Isles at 643 feet tall. It is twice the height of Big Ben.

5. A Stranger Things Christmas

Personally, I think they should have started with “Its The Upside Down, Charlie Brown,” but beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

Reserves

The return of Really Tall Portland Ken….

Music 101

In The Wee Small Hours of The Morning

Sinatra. A-number-one. Top of the heap. King of the hill. Cream of the crop of the top of the heap. Believe it or not, this song was actually written in the wee small hours of the morning by David Mann (composer) and Robert Hilliard (lyrics) in New Jersey.

Remote Patrol

World Series

Game 3

FOX 8 p.m.

Smoltz, a Hall of Famer, is an excellent fit in the booth

The broadcast is much improved this season, with John Smoltz replacing Harold Reynolds in the booth and Tom Verducci designated for assignment (on the field). Think about how last October, in Game 1, that technical difficulty brought us Smoltz on the MLB Network international feed. Many of us preferred Smoltz and Matt Vasgersian. I think FOX saw our tweets. That electrical outage had some major broadcast ramifications.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 158th to Teddy Roosevelt, a well-to-do native New Yorker who fought in a war and cherished the environment

Starting Five

Zobrist already has 5 hits in the Fall Classic, two for extra bases

Ben There, Done That

Theo Epstein and his staff rightly deserves credit for making terrific draft picks since arriving in 2011 (e.g., Kris Bryant and Kyle Schwarber), but the Cubs’ best player through two games of the World Series has been an easy and obvious choice: free agent pick-up Ben Zobrist. The 6’3″ left fielder, who hit .303 last postseason while helping the K.C. Royals to the championship, has five hits through two games, including a double and a triple, for the Cubs.

Kyle Schwarber is the more intriguing story, and Jake Arrieta threw five innings of no-hit ball last night, but Zobrist, batting clean-up, has been a very tough out.

2. Educational Ladder

In China, students in a cliffside village had to descend a series of vines to get to school each day, but now locals have constructed a ladder made of steel (“steel from CHINA!”) for them. So no more bitching about how you had to walk two miles uphill through the snow…

Taking “No Child Left Behind” to absurd lengths…

And yet, can you not see how students who grow up in an environment like this are most likely going to be tougher, more resilient adults than the juice-box, participation-trophy pansies we’re raising? Yeah, I said it. But it’s true.

3. Put The Biscuit In the Basket

Davis became the first player to score 50 points in a season opener since a more celebrated “23” once did

Notable scorers from the NBA’s first true coast-to-coast night of the season…

Joel Embiid, Philly, 20 points in his debut. Loss.

Jordan Clarkson, Lakers, 25 points in 25 minutes. Win.

Russell Westbrook, OKC, 32 points. Win.

Ejected

James Harden, Houston, 34 points. Loss.

DeMar DeRozan, Toronto. 40 points. Win.

Anthony Davis. NOLA. 50 points. Loss.

4. Coach of Top Running Team Walking Away

Heins is in his 10th season at NAU

Eric Heins is just 39 and the men’s cross-country coach at Northern Arizona University, which is ranked No. 1 nationally (shhhh, Flagstaff, Arizona, a great place to live, but SHHH, tell no one) and unanimously .

Kaci is a total space camp nerd….

But, after the season, win or lose, Heins is stepping down from the job. Why? His wife got a great job offer in another city. Kaci Heins, a middle school science teacher, has been offered the job of education supervisor at the Space Center Houston. Kaci is a former Arizona Middle School Science Teacher of the Year. Pretty impressive all around.

5. O What An Error

Not completely free of blame, but not as horrific as you thought

French-Canadian flight attendant Gaetan Dugas has long been known as “Patient Zero” in the AIDS epidemic, and was basically blamed for copulating and populating the disease all over the United States. Dugas, who was quite the swordsman, was blamed for infecting hundreds of men who infected others and so and so on until half a million Americans died.

Now comes research that the disease had arrived on U.S. soil at least 10 years before Dugas, who died in 1984, did. Further study shows that Dugas was originally classified as “Patient O” for “Outside the U.S.” as opposed to “Patient 0”, which is different.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Dugas’ blood type had been “Type-O Negative?” ( <–See what I did there?)

Music 101

Le Freak

Exactly how disco was this No. hit by Chic? It was inspired by bassist Bernard Edwards being refused entrance into Studio 54 on New Year’s Even 1977. He had been invited to the NYC club by Grace Jones, who forgot to tell the doormen that she wanted him on the VIP list. “Freak Out” was a euphemism for another two-word epithet. The song went to No. 1 in five different countries in 1979, including the USA.

Remote Patrol

Meet The Hitlers

TMC 10:05 p.m.

This is a real thing: a 90-minute doc examining people whose last name is Hitler. From 2014.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 71st to Jaclyn Smith, a.k.a. “Kelly” from Charlie’s Angels

Starting Five

Assault by battery: Perez and Kluber combined for 6 shutout innings, 15 strikeouts and two home runs

Whiff Series

Three Cleveland pitchers—Corey Kluber, Andrew Miller and Cody Allen—combined for 15 strikeouts as the Tribe took Game 1, 6-0. Things to ponder: 1) the Cubs, the third-most prolific offense in all of baseball this season behind the Red Sox and Rockies, have been shut out in three of their past six games, 2) Tribe catcher Roberto Perez, the 9th hitter in the order, hit two bombs (for 4 RBI); no 9th hitter had ever hit two home runs in a World Series game before that, 3) Kluber struck out eight in the first three innings, also a World Series first, 4) the Tribe are now 61-0 this season when they grab a lead of three runs or more, 5) Terry Francona is 9-0 as a manager in World Series games, and 6) John Smoltz did an excellent job; Harold Reynolds ain’t coming back to a World Series booth.

2. Fault Lines

Both the Dubs and KD are riding four-game losing streaks at the moment

The Golden State Warriors, who won their first 24 games last season and did not lose a home game until April 1st, were blown out at Oracle (in front of Queen Bae and that dude she’s been hanging out with) last night by 29 by the Spurs.

Reason to worry? Yeah, a little. It’s not so much the addition of future HOF’er Kevin Durant that is the problem, it’s the subtraction of big men Andrew Bogut and Marrese Speights. The Dubs are gonna score, but are they gonna defend or rebound this year? San Antonio out rebounded them 55-35, which is kind of significant. Watch them make a midseason trade for a big at some point.

The Dubs looked lost, but “Inside the NBA” was in midseason form with their riff on a Portland fan their cameras uncovered

Yes, it was only one game, but Klay Thompson did not look very happy the entire night. He took the fewest shots of GSW’s big four and wound up with the fewest points: 11. Keep an eye on the Klay Happiness meter, and I’ll say it now: I bet there’s a coach in Los Angeles who would love to have him.

Keep an eye on Spurs’ second-year swing man Jonathon Simmons. Former D-Leaguer scored 20 points in just 28 minutes and had a LeBronian block on a Steph Curry breakaway in the third quarter.

Finally, Kawhi Leonard MVP alert. In his first game since Tim Duncan’s retirement, Leonard scored a career-high 35 and also had 5 rebounds and 5 steals.

Finally FINALLY, if you follow me on Twitter, you know I was never in favor of KD going to GSW: bad for both teams and, I believe, ultimately bad for him. He had a better situation in OKC and that decision was made too soon after season’s end.

3. “She Turned Me Into A Newt”

If you have yet to see Megyn Kelly versus Newt Gingrich, you should watch. “I think your defensiveness on this may speak volumes, sir.” ROASTED!

.@MegynKelly made a total fool out of herself tonight- attacking @realDonaldTrump

And as for Dan Scavino, Jr.,’s question, I think Kelly could go to any network that ponies up enough cash. She’s taken her stand this election, and it’s sort of a shame none of her FOX colleagues came to her defense. Considering her ex-boss, Roger Ailes, was being sued for sexual harassment with nearly as many accusers as Donald has, maybe we shouldn’t have been that surprised.

4. When They Go High, We Go Jadlow

Jadlow played at IU in the late Eighties

Former Indiana Hoosier Todd Jadlow penned a memoir, Jadlow: On The Rebound, about his overcoming drug and alcohol addiction, but also dropped in a few spicy anecdotes about playing for Bob Knight, one of which included the legendary coach grabbing players’ testicles (not in a sexual manner, but to see how tough they were?). Anyway, recall that Knight has stumped for Trump, and cue that Hoosier hysteria.

5. Don’t Stand, Don’t Stand So, Don’t Stand So Close To Me

McKenna

Scottsdale Chaparral High School is filled with the well-to-do and the glamorous: alums include Paul Konerko, Taylor Lewan, Darrell Bevell (the Seahawk coach who called for the pass in SB 49), actress Busy Phillips and Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Two years ago Newsweek rated it the No. 1 high school in Arizona.

Last month the school’s track coach, Chris McKenna, 38, a former “Teacher of the Year,” was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having sex with a student. The student attended a different high school, but McKenna had met her at a meet. Worse, after the relationship was discovered and he was first arrested, McKenna continued meeting the 17 year-old, buying them both disposable phones and meeting her in parking lots while wearing an ankle bracelet.

McKenna was (is still?) married and the relationship lasted 6 to 9 months.

An aside: the judge in the case, Chris Coury, attended high school with me and was a year or two behind me in the same dorm at the same college. I don’t know if he will play himself in the inevitable Lifetime movie.

Music 101

Lucille

No, this song is not a tribute to a bat wrapped with barbed wire. This was the song that brought country star Kenny Rogers into the mainstream and made him an international success (the song went to No. 1 in the UK), even though younger folks may think it was “The Gambler.” This tune was a staple of AM radio in early 1977, hitting No. 5 on the Billboard charts. I’ll admit that as a kid I thought he was singing “with four hundred children,” which made me wonder a little about farm folk.

Remote Patrol

Thunder at Sixers

ESPN 8 p.m.

Keep an eye on 6’10” Philly rookie Dario Saric out of Croatia

Yeah, yeah, Game 2 of the World Series (first pitch at 7:08 p.m.) is a must-watch, but this one intrigues me. The Sixers will unveil Joel Embiid after his red-shirt year, while Russell Westbrook cannot wait to show off now that Kevin Durant has departed. I think he’ll go for 40, especially since Philly could be starting two rookies and guard Jerryd Bayless is injured. Also hurt: Ben Simmons and Nerlens Noel. Finally, I’m curious to see Domantas Sabonis’ rookie debut for OKC.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 32nd to Katy Perry…..

Starting Five

There is no room for failure with these Warriors. A 70-win season and a championship is expected.

1. Return of the NBA

They’re baaaaaack.

The Golden State Warriors enter the season with a three-game losing streak and two former MVPs (Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant) in their starting five. The last time one team had two former MVPs on the roster was a few years back when the Lakers had both Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash, but both were in their twilight years. Curry and Durant remain in their primes.

This two-MVP experiment in California was a mistake

The Spurs, who visit Golden State tonight, return for the first time this century without Tim Duncan (who never won an MVP award) (<–Medium Happy regrets the error, as well as the era) on their roster.

Breakout All-Star this season? Second-year Suns guard Devin Booker, who was No. 5 in scoring in the preseason behind established studs DeMar DeRozan, Durant, James Harden and Curry.

The Suns’ 6’6″ 2nd-year guard out of Kentucky will be an All-Star this season. Book(er) it.

Will the Warriors and Cavs meet for a third consecutive time in the NBA Finals? Barring injury, yes.

2. Legends of the Fall League

Schwarber getting his Eddie Vedder on in Arizona

In Mesa and Scottsdale, Arizona, yesterday, not more than six miles apart, you could have spent a total of $16 to see Kyle Schwarber and Tim Tebow play baseball. The former may have earned a World Series ring a week from now; the latter is doing a good job, but is not a Major Leaguer. Last night the former Heisman Trophy winner went 0-4 and is now 2 for 24, or batting .083.

3. He’s No Don Rickles

Yesterday The New York Times printed a two-page spread of the 281 people, places and things that Donald Trump has insulted via Twitter during his campaign. When he goes low…

4. Dead Or Alive Singer Dead Not Alive

Burns was 57

The lead singer of Eighties New Wave act Dead Or Alive (“You spin me right round, baby, right round/Like a record, baby, right round right round“), Peter Burns, has died. A true eccentric, Burns was first married to a woman, then married to a man, and claimed that he was “addicted to cosmetic surgery.” ( <–Look out, Joe Buck), as he had as many as 300 procedures done, mainly on his face. The only thing not eccentric about Peter Burns was his name.

5. Taylor In Texas

Did you really think we were not going to mention that Taylor Swift played her one and only concert of 2016 last weekend in Austin, Texas? The former better half of HiddleSwift played before an estimated 80,000 fans at a motor speedway and for the first time played the song that she helped write, uncredited, for ex-beau Calvin Harris, “This Is What You Came For.”

Here’s hoping she makes an appearance at the CMAs next week. They’re family, after all, and she needs a little home cookin’.

Music 101

After The Rain

God bless Nelson. No, I mean it. If you’re going to marry Late Eighties L.A. Hair Metal with a cheesy, blond version of Extreme, then go for it all the way. Matthew and Gunnar, twin sons of the legendary teen idol Ricky Nelson, went beyond Wilson Phillips in the early Nineties as scions with a taste for an MTV-ready hit. I’ll never blame them, and I think they had to be at least 60% of the inspiration for Wayne’s World.

Remote Patrol

World Series, Game 1

FOX 8 p.m.

It’s here. The Indians last won a World Series in 1948. The Cubs last played in a World Series in 1945. When the Cubs won the World Series, baseball had three teams in New York, two each in Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago and St. Louis, and none west of that last city. And 16 teams overall.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 30th to Aubrey Graham, a.k.a. Drake

Starting Five

Pumpkins Patch

Parody is easy; comedy is hard.

As popular and funny as sketches such as “Black Jeopardy” or the cold open Third Debate may be, true genius is found when you create laughter out of nowhere. In the glorious tradition of one-off skits such as “More Cowbell” and “Two Wild & Crazy Guys” ( <– Yes, I know; save the comment) came “Haunted Elevator” or as it will likely be remembered, “David Pumpkins.”

Tom Hanks, a goofy suit, a solid premise and two beat-boy skeleton dancers. When Kate McKinnon is in your skit and she’s the least memorable character in it, you’re doing something right.

Special props to you if you noticed that, immediately after this sketch and a commercial, SNL returned with a performance by Lady Gaga in which she also gyrated weirdly and was flanked by two dancers. Any questions?

Also, if you missed the faux-promo for “Broken,” the new CBS comedy, that was pretty darn on-target.

2. Block to the Future

Haley raced downfield after scooping up the blocked kick as if he were something streaking across the night sky, what exactly I don’t know.

The first truly memorable play of the college football season. Late in the fourth quarter at Penn State, Ohio State leads 21-17. After a Buckeye third-down pass falls incomplete (nearly intercepted by the Nittany Lions, which would have been worse for them), Urban Meyer sends on his field goal team.

Bad move. In the grand tradition of Nick Saban in 2013 and Jimbo Fisher a year ago, an unbeaten team lost its virginity off a late field-goal attempt of farther than 40 yards. Penn State’s Marcus Allen (officially the second-greatest player to have that name in college football lore) soared high to block the kick of Tyler Durbin and Grant Haley scooped it up and ran to the opposite end zone for what turned out to be the winning score.

For Happy Valley: the first memorable moment on this field since Joe Paterno recorded his final victory nearly five years ago (it would go downhill and sharply one week later). For Ohio State: Not as devastating as you might think. Though no longer unbeaten, the Buckeyes still host a Michigan team that should be unbeaten in late November. Beat them and win the B1G Championship Game, and it still looks fairly bright (as opposed to Rosy) for them.

3. Running Wild

The DTrain will be arriving on time….

The Penn State-Ohio State finish overshadowed a trio of incredible rushing performances and a pair of wild games. At the Rose Bowl Utah’s Joe Williams, who retired after the second game of this season and returned last week (after the coaches begged him to return and his fiancee gave her blessing) galloped for 332 yards in a 52-45 defeat of the Bruins (Pac-12 Before Dark).

In Baton Rouge LSU’s Leonard Fournette, who took about three games off himself to heal a bum ankle, ran for 284 yards on only 16 carries against Mississippi and trucked a hapless Rebel. And in Lubbock, Oklahoma’s Joe Mixon ran for 263 yards in the Sooners’ 66-59 win against the Red Raiders.

We interrupt this offense-heavy item for some Jonathan Allen defense…

Wild scores? Cal beat Oregon in double OT, 52-49, as they topped the 90-point over. And that 66-59 outing in Lubbock had an NCAA-record 1,708 combined yards as both teams gained exactly the same amount: 854.

Elsewhere: Tom Herman has now lost to both SMU and Navy this month, Kirk Ferentz apparently forgot that he could go for two against Wisconsin, Louisville led 44-0 at the half against an N.C. State team that basically but for a shanked FG beat Clemson in Death Valley the week before, and Michigan State, Notre Dame and Oregon are all 2-5.

4. The Walking Dead Goes Inglourious Basterds

Negan: Designated hitter

Meanwhile in the post-apocalyptic world of The Walking Dead, Jeffrey D. Morgan as Negan went all “the Bear Jew” on two of Sheriff Rick’s favorite lieutenants. The season premiere was particularly gruesome and gratuitous and yeah, it sort of forced you to come to the reckoning that life is not civil in a post-apocalyptic world (as we may learn in three weeks), so if you’re going to go along for the ride, you can’t suddenly brush your hankie to your face and moan, “I do declare!”

So, yeah, it was brutal. And Glenn needed to die because none of us were buying that he survived the dumpster dive two seasons ago, anyway. And Negan is a compelling character. Meanwhile, I can’t help but think that the producers let Carl keep his left arm because it would be too expensive to green-screen that limb for the remainder of the series.

5. The End of the Tour Bus

Just outside Palm Springs on I-10, 13 people died early Sunday morning when a tour bus en route from a casino back to Los Angeles slammed into the back of a semi. You have to wonder just what was up with the driver, who died, if a bus is going so fast that 13 people die when it rear-ends an 18-wheeler.

Music 101

My Love

You have to wonder, had the Beatles never existed, how highly Paul McCartney and Wings would be regarded on their own merit. The cute Beatle far and away had the best post-Fab Four career and wrote the most hits. Dude, take a few years off, you just spent a decade as part of the biggest pop culture phenomenon since Shakespeare. Anyway, this 1973 ballad hit No. 1 both on the Billboard Hot 100 and the Adult Contemporary chart. You can hear why.

Remote Patrol

Horror of Dracula

TCM 8 p.m.

Bat’s Entertainment

It’s Dracula night at Turner Classic Movies, and this 1958 film stars the best Prince of Darkness of them all: Christopher Lee.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 60th to Carrie Fisher. May the farce be with you.

Starting Five

Remark-Able

Just one night after their honeymoon in Vegas, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump shared a dais at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City (just a few blocks from Trump’s home) for the Alfred E. Smith Dinner for Catholic charities (I know they fly private jets, but I’d never get used to flying as much as these people do).

Worth paying attention to: 1) the last :90 or so of Clinton’s speech 2) her easier manner with self-deprecating humor 3) the fact that Trump, as in the debates, does okay in the first half and then has a meltdown in the latter half; he should have cut it after the Melania/Michelle joke, which was the best joke, the best.

2. Best Baez

Baez was selected 9th in the 2011 MLB draft; Indian shortstop Francisco Lindor was taken 8th

Did you see Cub 2nd baseman Javy Baez’s defensive gem in the bottom of the 7th inning to rob Adrian Gonzalez of a leadoff bunt single? Baez raced in from Silverlake to field that ball and throw out Gonzalez. He was the game’s Best Baez, as Dodger reliever Pedro Baez surrendered five runs in the top of the eighth to put the game out of reach. Cubbies up 3-2 as we head back to Wrigley.

This is Eddie Gaedel-at-bat level surreal….

Also, about Jon Lester’s masterful pitching despite an inability to throw over to first base: say the Cubs win and he starts Game 1 of the World Series on Tuesday. His little mental hiccup doesn’t hurt him versus the Dodgers, who were 26th in stolen bases this season. But against the Indians, who were 4th in stolen bases, Lester’s aversion to tossing over to first is going to cost the Cubs dearly.

3. Blue BaYoU

Brett Rypien threw three touchdowns and two pick-sixes. Boise State committed five turnovers and still somehow won.

In a game that kicked off at 10:15 EST, Boise State outlasted BYU 28-27. The Broncos are now 7-0 while the Cougars have lost four games by a total of eight points. Boise State should finish 12-0, but this does not feel like one of their Kellen Moore-level teams. I see a New Year’s Six Bowl in their future, but not a playoff berth. Just wondering if the SelCom will again put them in CFB apartheid by pairing them up with a potentially undefeated Baylor or Western Michigan.

4. Life’s Funny That Way

That’s Belichick in orange in the second row, next to Vinny Testaverde. Saban’s right behind him, in the last row. Also on that staff: Kirk Ferentz

Quick, who’s the best coach in college football? Gotta be Nick Saban, right? He’s won five national championships in the past 13 years and looks headed to his sixth.

Quick, who’s the best coach in the NFL? Gotta be Bill Belichick, right? He’s won four Super Bowls in the past 15 years and may be headed for a fifth.

Quick, who’s the worst team in the NFL and has been for the past decade? Gotta be the Cleveland Browns, right? They’re 0-6 right now and they’ve only had one winning season since 2003.

Just a reminder that between 1991 and 1994, Belichick was the head coach of the Browns and Saban his defensive coordinator. Saban would leave to coach Michigan State and Belichick would remain one more year before being fired on Valentine’s Day, 1996.

You never know….And, it’s okay to fail. It’s what you do after you fail that matters.

5. Sing Street

After he retired from kicking field goals for Notre Dame and a slew of NFL teams, John Carney became a fantastic film writer and director (wait, you’re telling me it’s not the same one?). If you didn’t see Once, stop reading this right now and find a way to see it. Now Carney is back in Ireland and is back dealing with lovelorn musicians in a movie that is more John Hughes.

This is Sing Street, an ode to Eighties New Wave and a young boy who starts a band in order to get the girl. And Lord Petyr Baelish plays the dad, so you cannot go wrong.

Music 101

Joy To The World

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog/Was a good friend of mine…” You can’t write opening lines like that stone-cold sober, can you? Three Dog Night had a MASSIVE hit with this peace and love anthem in 1971. It was the number one pop single overall that year and sold more than 500 units.

Remote Patrol

Saturday

No. 6 Texas A&M  at No. 1 Alabama

CBS 3:30 p.m.

This will be Peak Uncle Verne & Gary, and probably the last game they do together featuring a No. 1 facing a fellow Top 10 team. Love this duo, my favorite in college football. Can anyone topple the Tide? Probably not, but the Aggies have had a week’s rest and Trevor Knight has some serious wheels to go with that arm.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 28th to Candace Swanepoel

Starting Five

“Bad Hombres” Meet “Nasty Woman”

The third and final debate took place last night in Las Vegas and the republic is still standing. Hillary had no good answer as to why her foundation accepts donations from human rights-violating countries, while Donald told moderator Chris Wallace, who did a fantastic job, that “I’m going to keep you in suspense” when asked whether he would challenge the results of the November 8 election.

CLINTON
To women: You can do anything

TRUMP
To women, you can do anything

— Rebecca Piazza (@heybecks) October 13, 2016

First debate: Handshake before and after.

Second debate: Handshake only after.

Final debate: No handshake.

Also, Trump said that all of his accusers have been debunked (not true at all; they’ve been debunked by him in the same way that he claims he has won every debate) and that he never denied accosting women based on the fact that they were not attractive enough for him (also not true). Trump is the garish, gropish guy at the office who has no idea how much of a misogynist and sexual predator he is, and every woman he meets who is attractive is a potential target. We met this character once before, on WKRP in Cincinnati. His name was Herb Tarlek.

2. A Quest Called Tribe

Francona demanded both the ball and a handshake from his novice starter after that sterling performance

Cleveland advances to its first World Series since 1997 as it seeks its first championship since 1948, as the Tribe shuts out Toronto, 3-0. Rookie pitcher Ryan Merritt, who took the mound with 11 innings of big league experience, allowed just two singles in 4 1/3 and then baseball’s most withering bullpen took care of the rest. An Indians-Cubs World Series would be muy bueno.

3. Brooklyn Codger*

King is getting more air time on FS1 than Clay Travis this week

*The judges will also accept L.A. King

One rather distracting aspect of keeping track of the Dodgers-Cubs series in Los Angeles is the constant view of 82 year-old Larry King, who used to attend games at Ebbets Field as a kid in Brooklyn. Los Angeles’s most famous expat of that borough has replaced Vin Scully as the most famous octogenarian inside Dodger Stadium.

Mike Brito also has that “Weekend at Bernie’s” look

Those of us above age 40 find it weird to look into a home Dodger playoff game and not see Dodger scout Mike Brito, the man in the Panama hat with the radar gun, seated behind home plate. Brito, who discovered Fernando Valenzuela decades ago, is 81, by the way.

4. Smithy

It’s James Corden singing in a car, but years before you or I ever heard of him. Here he is going Don Rickles on the England Football Team. Yes, that’s David Beckham and Stephen Gerrard. Thanks to my good friend Mike for suggesting this….

5. Cruise-in’…..

What won’t actors do to promote their movie?

Music 101

My Wave

In 1994 Soundgarden was poised to join Nirvana and Pearl Jam as the third leg of the Grunge invasion. They, too, were based in Seattle and lead singer Chris Cornell was every bit as charismatic as Kurt and Eddie and he could even reach higher notes. The whole movement sputtered after Cobain’s suicide, but this gem from the band’s Superunknown retains an irresistible turn-it-up quality. Note: Soundgarden and Stone Temple Pilots are very similar; they were poised to carry rock’s American flag into the late Nineties, but it just didn’t happen and we were left with the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox 20. I’ll never forgive them for this.

Remote Patrol

BYU at Boise State

ESPN 10:15 p.m.

Hill

I know, I know. Game 5 of the NLCS and Miami at Virginia Tech. We’ll miss nights like this come January and February. But the Broncos are 6-0 and the Cougars, who ripped up Michigan State in East Lansing a couple weeks back, are likely the last team standing in the way of an undefeated season and a difficult choice for the Selection Committee. BYU has 3 losses by a total of 7 points, all to good teams. Prediction: both Boise State and Western Michigan go undefeated and the SelCom sends them to the Fiesta Bowl to play one another. Keep an eye on BYU QB Taysom Hill, an Idaho native.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 50th to Jon Favreau, star and writer of Swingers and Chef

Starting Five

In his last four appearances, totaling 6 2/3 innings, Jansen has allowed no runs and two hits

Artful Dodgers

Only two teams have played more postseason baseball games than the Dodgers, who played their 200th yesterday: the Yankees and Cardinals. Yet their 6-0 shutout of the Cubs in the NLCS last night marked the first time that the erstwhile Brooklyn Atlantics, Bridegrooms and Superbas had ever recorded consecutive shutouts in playoff games (they blanked the Cubs 1-0 on Monday).

So L.A. leads the series 2-1 and Game 4 is tonight up against debate.

2. Yet Another Notre Dame With A Problem

Notre Dame Prep, the McDowell Mountains in the background….

As the Notre Dame in South Bend trudges through a 2-5 season (despite having outscored its opponents in full), Notre Dame Prep in Scottsdale, Arizona, has just been placed on probation and ruled ineligible for the postseason. The Saints, as they are know, held a “summer football class” in June and put players in pads and would you believe, some photos were taken and placed on social media (No! Yes. NO! Yes.). Also, NDP sent out letters to athletes at other schools inviting them to attend.

Notre Dame Prep is a new and ultra-rich school, located in the wealthiest section of the wealthiest town in the Phoenix area. The Saints are 6-2 overall but 3-0 in their division and probably would qualify for the playoffs. Local media have located the “concerned” parents whose only takeaway is that they feel sorry for the kids, and we get it, but this was a fairly blatant violation of a known rule. More great life lessons being taught by adults.

3. Nigel, Please

Madison Man

Last Saturday ESPN’s College GameDay visited Madison, where the most famous local athlete is Badger varsity basketball player Nigel Hayes. The 6’8″ senior, who averaged nearly 16 points and 6 rebounds a year ago, is going to be a very wealthy man (especially relative to his classmates) a year from now. Hayes is just not wealthy now and yes, by being a major star who earns nothing (BESIDES A COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIP VALUED AT $47,544 FOR OUT-OF-STATERS, WHICH THE TOLEDO, OHIO, NATIVE IS), that seems unfair to some people (athletes and sports writers, mainly).

You know what “employees” at other businesses do when they feel that they are underpaid or taken for granted? They quit. Hayes does not seem to want to do that.

If you think the NCAA is exploiting these players, I’d like to welcome you to every business in America, if not the world. This is simple economics: As soon as I or any university president reads the story of a 4- or 5-star athlete turning down a scholarship offer, maybe the system will change. As soon as a team goes on strike en masse (before a Final Four contest), maybe the system will change.

Instead of coddling these student-athletes, sports writers should give them a lesson in economics. Management’s job is to make you an offer that is good enough to keep you from leaving the job. It isn’t to cut you in on what you think is a fair share of the pie.

Of course, the comeback here is that it’s a cartel. I guess, but the idea that you’re going to overhaul the system because 3% of its members need to take this route for their profession (which is about how many make it in the NFL or NBA) is ludicrous. I was a pre-med paying full tuition: I’d argue that my future profession was far more valuable to society and about 33% of us were moving on to med school. No one stepped in and paid my way.

Yes, but you didn’t fill up a football stadium. No, I didn’t, but my (and my classmates’) intelligence was every bit as valuable a commodity. The thing is, I can’t get into medical school without an undergrad degree, and the better the undergrad institution, the better my odds. Same with the NFL and college football. The potential NFL player also benefits greatly by playing at an Alabama or a USC. Not to mention the countless tangible and intangible benefits: expanded horizons, life experiences, media exposure, sorority honeys, and in some cases, Alaskan king crab legs.

But it’s just not fair, you say. And you’re right. It’s probably not fair that Apple, which has a market cap o $632 BILLION, employs Asian workers who make a fractional amount of what a U.S. worker would. But I don’t see you putting down your iPhone and I don’t see you not attending college football games or not watching them. You’re not willing to sacrifice anything for this noble cause (I’m talking about you the consumer, not the athletes), which just makes you a whiner.

Josh Dobbs: Starting SEC QB, aeronautical engineering major. Easy? No. Possible? Ask him. Or the people who put together Nike marketing campaigns.

Could the NCAA do more right by its student-athletes? Absolutely. Pay for their parents’ traveling to at least one postseason game per year, for starters. Give every four-year grad at least 72 further credit hours (I’d even go up to 144, about the equivalent of a four-year education) that he could either give to a family member who qualifies academically or for his or her own use. Assist by providing more education, not with money.

There are three major money problems: 1) Not all NCAA athletes have the same valuable (probably 1% or so would really be missed by the general public) 2) Once you agree to pay them, you’ve set a market. And now negotiations as to price become a constant aspect of the game and 3) You surrender the idea that young men should be going to college to receive an education; it’s just a minor league. The idea should be to reform the system and stress the value of the degree—and allow young men to earn meaningful degrees—not to be so jaded that we accept that it’s just a marriage of convenience.

Still, as soon as a Rivals 100 player turns down a scholarship, you may see university presidents and athletic directors huddle and discuss. But until then, well, these are mostly smart businessmen. Why pay more for something when the people who have the free will not to sell it (their athletic talent) to you do so anyway 100% of the time?

4. That 3rd Quarter

It’s been four days, I’m finally ready to talk about Stanford 17, Notre Dame 10.

What I want to discuss, as Keith Arnold and I talked about on our podcast, is that 3rd quarter. Not just because it’s where it all went bad, but because it’s a fascinating character study of Brian Kelly (who nine games ago had a 72% winning mark in South Bend and now has a 67% victory mark).

First drive: Notre Dame gets the kickoff to start the half (Finally!), but DeShone Kizer throws a pick-six. Great undercut of the route by Stanford’s Quenton Meeks (who had missed most of the last three games for the Cardinal) and a terrific open-field run to score it. Huge momentum change.

Second drive: On 3rd-and-7 in Stanford territory, Kizer misses an open Kevin Boykin, a completion that would have rendered a first down. On 4th-and-7 Kelly opts not to punt and Kizer, facing heavy pressure, throws a pick downfield. It’s a bad pass, but the pass the play before was the real error.

Third drive: The Irish defense forced a turnover just two plays later (on an insanely great play by Jarron Jones, the best defensive play of the season), so Kizer’s pick was not a huge blow. It’s midway through the 3rd quarter, your starter has just thrown picks on consecutive drives, and you still lead. If you’re ever going to give Malik Zaire a shot, now’s the moment. I think most of us can agree that this wasn’t the worst move, to shake the offense and Kizer out of his doldrums.

On the first play, Zaire sprints around right end for 13 yards. The stadium is energized. As is the team. Oh, what’s that? A flag? Holding on Quenton Nelson. I think that one flag changed the trajectory of Zaire’s career. Now it’s 1st-and-25 and the offense is deflated. The Irish will punt. But Stanford will punt right back. If you’re keeping count, the defense has now allowed one offensive touchdown in nine quarters, dating back to the second half of the Syracuse game.

Fourth Drive: Center Sam Mustipher snaps the ball high, fast and to the right of Zaire, whom Kelly has given a second chance. The ball sails out of the end zone. Safety. The score is now 10-9. On his second drive, Zaire was not even given a chance to touch the football.

Fifth Drive: Stanford scores on offense, finally, and gets the 2-point conversion, because of course (have you been watching Notre Dame football the past three seasons?). It’s now 17-10 and I tweet something to the effect, “If Kelly doesn’t put Kizer in now, that is a huge mistake.” Kelly sends Zaire back in. Three and out.

And there, kind of, is your ballgame. By the time Kelly finally returns to Kizer, for a 3-minute drive, he’s rusty and out of sync. He still almost pulls it out, though. He still should have not been on the bench that long. One series? Sure. Two? Maybe. Three? Never.

You have to wonder if Brian Kelly felt so much guilt over the hand that Zaire has been dealt that he made that the priority, massaging a former starter’s ego, over winning the game. It’s not Zaire’s fault. These are problems Nick Saban never faces. He’s a cold-hearted mofo, but it’s about putting your best team on the field and giving all of them the best chance to win. Ask Blake Barnett.

5. Matt Taibbi

If you have yet to read Matt Taibbi’s “How Trump Lost His Mojo,” from the Sept. 22 issue of Rolling Stone, I highly recommend it. It’s one of his masterpieces. This race changes so often, the major gaffes and low moments, that some of these issues will seem stale one month later. But the writing is too good to be ignored.

Describing a rally: “The audience roars. This is the Trump they fell in love with. It’s the same uber-confident, self-congratulating gasbag who bulldozed the Republican nomination on the strength of long, unscripted rants that were glorious tributes to every teenager everywhere who has ever taken a test without studying.”

Reserves

Canada Dry Humor

In case you have not yet seen this. Our Canadian friend Moose sent this. I think Canada is trying to help us, but it’s a wee bit patronizing, eh?

Music 101

Reach Out of the Darkness

1968 was the most tumultuous year in American history since the end of the Civil War: the Tet Offensive, the assassinations of MLK and RFK, Chicago riots, Nixon’s election, etc. (and yes, 2016 may still give ’68 a run for its money). It was Peak—or Nadir—Sixties, and this song by Friend and Lover is a groovy, hippie folk plea against the violence and chaos. I think this tune also ended the Mad Men episode that concludes with Megan Draper watching footage of the RFK news. The song peaked at No. 13, the duo’s only hit.

Remote Patrol

Baseball

Game 5 , ALCS

TBS 4 p.m.

Game 4, NLCS

FS1 8 p.m.

Donaldson and the Jays will attempt to do some more staving of elimination today

Or you can watch the third debate, but I’d rather just wait to see how SNL distills it down to 10 minutes in three nights. Did you know that the first pitch of Cubs games has been taking place at 7:08, that’s 19:08, Central time? Love that.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 78th to Mary Ann herself, Dawn Wells

Starting Five

A Band-Aid would have technically been a foreign substance

The Bauer and the Gory*

*The judges will not accept ‘Let It Bleed’

Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer, noted drone attack survivor, is forced to depart Game 3 of the ALCS in the first inning when his pinkie won’t stop bleeding. The Tribe won anyway, 4-2, to move within one game of their first Fall Classic since 1997.

I cannot wait to hear Trevor Bauer’s political views in 2028.

— Kyle (@KyleKoster) October 18, 2016

2. An Imperfect 10

Ames, Iowa. Never been, have always wanted to go.

The Big 12 has ten members. The Big Ten has 14 members. Let’s begin there. When I was a child my dad could never explain to me how the Atlanta Braves were in the National League West or the Dallas Cowboys were in the NFC East. So that is where we begin: that two major conferences in college cannot even count. Think of the children, Bob Bowlsby (at least the SEC is geographically accurate).

Anyway, The Big 12, after months of what a certain feisty former female editor (whom I love) at Sports Illustrated would have called “finger banging” Rice and Houston and BYU, among others, the Big 12 has decided not to expand—for now. I would have invited Rutgers myself, just for the giggles and the easy W. Big 12 Expansion, your 2016 SI Sportsperson of the Year.

p.s. The above two paragraphs are ALL the professional energy I’ve ever devoted to this topic. I’ll never understand why my colleagues get so riled up about these kind of topics.

3. Knock, Knock, Knockin’ on Dylan’s Door

The Swedish Academy, the scholars who hand out the Nobel Peace Prize, say they have “given up” trying to reach Bob Dylan. Even though his whereabouts are fairly well-known. The troubador played a concert in Indio, Calif., last weekend and one in Las Vegas last night.

Guys, it hasn’t even been a week yet. How many times must an Academy reach out to Dylan, before they will hear back from him? The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind…

4. Lady and the Trump*

*The judges will accept donations for this hed

Above, that’s cartoonist Tom Toles of the Washington Post. And this scary one below, in Rolling Stone, is courtesy of artist Victor Juhasz.

And then this, below, may be the most terrifying. As one friend shared, “Just this month this election has been hijacked by a Bone, a Bush and pu**y. What is happening here?”

5. Yes? Yes!

Spinal Tap with better music: Yes!

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees for 2017 are in. Here’s the complete list.

Here’s who I think Jann Wenner will make sure gets in: Pearl Jam, Tupac Shakur, Joan Baez, Jane’s Addiction.

Here’s who I would put in (max. of four): Yes, ELO, The Cars, Pearl Jam.

I understand Tupac’s iconic importance. If hip-hop/rap is rock-and-roll (I’ll leave that decision up to someone else) then yeah, he’s in.

Music 101 

People Are People

I always found I liked about 40% of any Depeche Mode song. They were definitely nowhere near my favorite New Wave band, but now they’ve been nominated for the R&R HoF and don’t you be surprised if they’re inducted. This song is a classic example of my 40% rule: I can’t stand the refrain (which actually leads off the song), or the verses, but I love the “Can’t understand what makes a man/Hate another man/Help me understand ...”. This 1984 song was their first hit single in the U.S. climbing to No. 13 on the charts.

Remote Patrol

Baseball Doubleheader

Indians at Blue Jays: Game 4, ALCS

TBS 4 p.m.

Cubs at Dodgers: Game 3, NLCS

FS1 8 p.m.

Andrew Miller: 9 postseason innings, a 0.00 ERA

I’m in Arizona this week. You want me to start watching October playoff baseball at 1 p.m.??? What do you think—okay. The Indians are 6-0 in October. The city of Cleveland has a 9-game win streak in postseason sports since falling behind 3-1 to the Warriors.