by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Frankie Say, “War! Unnh! Why Must We Win More?” 

This morning Generalissimo Donald Trump, he of the four Vietnam War deferments (a few for school, at least one for bone spurs that never seemed to inhibit his physical activity), said, “When I was young, in high school and in college, everybody used to say we never lost a war. America never lost. Now, we never win a war. “We never win, and we don’t fight to win. We’ve either got to win, or don’t fight it at all.”

I agree with the final sentence, but maybe we don’t need to fight wars at all? At least not conventional ones? Or maybe only if Donny, Jr., or Eric or Ivanka or Tiffany or Barron suit up in a uniform?

If your eyes are better than mine, this chart is pretty clear. If it’s not, here’s what you need to know: the next six countries below the USA on this chart, their military expenditures COMBINED, only equal ours. And every one of those nations is either an ally (Saudi Arabia, France, United Kingdom, India) or has a sincere economic interest (China, Russia) in maintaining peace with us.

So why is Trump proposing a $20 billion increase in military spending? If no major power spends even half as much as we do and no country that is hostile to us spends even 1/10th what we do, why ramp up spending at the expense of other parts of the budget?

9/11, by the way? Not a military attack. What was needed to prevent that was proper function of the FBI and also TSA. The last military attack on U.S. territory soil happened in the Aleutian Islands on June 7, 1942. The last military attack on a U.S. state was by Mexico on Nogales, Arizona, in 1928. I’m not even sure if Mexico won and still controls the area.

Homeland Security needs to keep an eye on these “bad dudes”….

Would you like to guess the country whose military was responsible for killing more American soldiers on American soil than any other? That’s right: the United States, during the Civil War.

2. Avril Lavigne Knew…But Then She’s a Product Of The Canadian Health-Scare System*

*Great song, by the way, say the judges

At a meeting of the nation’s governors last night (I wonder if the goofy but likable governor from Benson attended), the prez had this to say about health care, that thing he’s been promising to “repeal and replace!” for more than a year: “Now, I have to tell you, it’s an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew health care could be so complicated.”

Nobody?

For a narcissist nothing is real except himself.

— Hagar Ben-Ari (@hagarbenari) February 24, 2017

Yes, when your experiences and insights are the ONLY reality you accept or comprehend, comments such as the one above happen. But here’s the truth, Ruth:

This Politico video is everything pic.twitter.com/og8nwuEIQ1

— Dustin (@DustinGiebel) February 28, 2017

3. The Accountant*

*The judges will also accept, “Hey, Cullinan man!”

So, of course: In the year that Hollywood gave us The Accountant as a film an accountant is ultimately to blame (to thank?) for the Best Picture kerfuffle. That’s Brian Cullinan of PriceWaterhouseCooper who handed the wrong envelope to Warren Beatty on Sunday night. Last night James Corden did his best to explain what happened:

And this has become an annual Oscars tradition. Guillermo did a terrific job:

4. UNC That?

If you are of a certain age—at least 45 years old—you remember college basketball before the shot clock, when a certain school from Tobacco Road specialized in freezing the clock by virtue of its Four Corners Offense (and, like me, maybe your grade school coach made you learn and run it).

On February 24, 1979, nearly exactly 38 years ago, Tar Heel coach/legend Dean Smith had his offense run the Four Corners the entire first half against heavily favored Duke. At halftime the Blue Devils led 7-0. The two teams would each score 40 points in the second half as neither froze the ball and Duke won 47-40 (if you’re wondering how come college hoops instituted a shot clock, a vast improvement).

Anyway, last night Virginia defeated UNC 53-43, holding the Tar Heels, who average about 86 per game, to their lowest total since that night. Well done, Dick Bennett.

The ACC is suddenly crowded at the top: UNC is 13-4, FSU, which is going to lose at Cameron Indoor tonight, is 11-5, and Notre Dame and Louisville, who play on Saturday, are also both 11-5. Plus, UNC gets Duke on Saturday. Winner of ND-Ville will be No. 2 seed at ACC tourney….

5. Get Out Got a 100%?!? Get. OUT!

A Rose by any other mane….

That Jordan Peele horror flick has already in three days grossed about $9 million more than Moonlight did in four months. And it received a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Ooooeeeee, whasssup with that? Whasssup with that? I tried to explain in Newsweek.

Reserves

“Surely, You Can’t Be Serious?”

“I AM Serious, And Do Call Me Stockton Malone Shorts”

This is too good to be true, but it is true. Copper Hills High School (20-4)  is one of the top teams in Utah’s highest class (5A) and they are led by arguably the state’s top player, 6’4″ Stockton Malone Shorts. Yes, that’s his name, and he must be feeling quite conflicted. SMS averages 24.2 points per game.

Music 101

In Your Eyes

One of the few tours/artists I’m genuinely sorry to have ever missed is Peter Gabriel and the Secret World Live Tour (1994). This song, off So, came out eight years earlier but by this tour the ex-Genesis member was at the height of his creative powers. Gabriel’s ex-Genesis bandmate Phil Collins was the biggest white male solo artist in the world in the mid-Eighties, and then So was released and every critic got on his/her knees and said, “We’re not worthy.” This song, “Red Rain,” “Don’t Give Up” and the monster hit, “Sledgehammer,” which reached No. 1. This song only climbed as high as No. 26, but with an assist from Cameron Crowe and John Cusack, it has a much richer legacy. And yes, that’s sexy siren Paula Cole singing backup (and keep an eye out for the double-necked electric violin).

Remote Patrol

President Trump’s Address To Congress

9 p.m.

ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, PBS, ETC.

What You Will Hear:

1. “Winning. 2. “Obamacare” w/in 4 words of “Disaster” 3) “Dishonest Media” 4. “Radicalized Islamic” 5. “Border” w/in 5 words of “Wall”
2. What you won’t hear: “Russia.”

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. The Correct Envelope, Please*

*The judges will also accept “True Hollywood Story” or “Bonnie and Clyde Nearly Pull Off Another Heist”

At the 89th Oscars, La La Land won Best Picture. Then it didn’t. Moonlight did. Putin’s all like, “Don’t look at me.” Finally, some actual fake news. Here’s the New York Times with the transcript of how it all unfolded.

Meanwhile, just another case of The Man trying to keep us down. The official explanation is that each side of the stage has a person holding every envelope for every award. There are two sets of envelopes. Apparently Leo entered from one side of the stage to present Emma Stone for Best Actress and then Bonnie & Clyde entered from the other to present Best Picture, and the person who handed them the envelope (either Brian Cullinan or Martha Ruiz) screwed up. And then you hand a red envelope that clearly reads “Best Actress” on it to a pair of septuagenarians who were too vain to bring their reading glasses onstage and voila (or Viola), this is what transpires.

This is fucking amazing. (via @rilaws) pic.twitter.com/kGGqfi9b1Y

— Ali Arikan (@aliarikan) February 27, 2017

 (sorry about the language, but this pic, at the moment of realization, beats Ellen’s selfie pic from 2014; look at The Rock, at Ben, at Damon, at Casey. Great stuff.)

Biggest (known) gaffe in academy history, or at least since Shakespeare In Love beat Saving Private Ryan. And so, yeah, Emma Stone is involved with a bunch of hard-working  African-Americans being screwed and then redeemed. It was like The Help 2 up there.

2. Oscars So Woke

The photo that launched the night’s best meme

Was it only a year ago that “Oscars So White” was trending? Three of the top five awards (Best Supporting Actor, Mahershala Ali; Best Actress, Viola Davis; and Best Picture) went to African-Americans and who knows, maybe Denzel Washington  beat Casey Affleck?

It’s funny, before the final moment, that cannot be forgotten, the show had been seamless and Jimmy Kimmel had done a wonderful job as host. His ongoing schtick with Matt Damon rose to new heights, hitting a zenith when he lampooned We Bought A Zoo as part of the inspiration package and then played him off stage as he was presenting. Sara Bareilles singing “Both Sides Now” should probably just be every year’s “In Memoriam.” Special props to John Cho and Leslie Mann, an unlikely pairing who were the funniest presenters. And Gary From Chicago didn’t seem overwhelmed at all by the moment.

Viola Davis’s speech was its own August Wilson play

Here’s hoping Oscar invites Kimmel back, as well as Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, who don’t deserve any heat for the screwup, to present next year’s Best Picture. Oscar producers got it wrong; they didn’t.

3. Taking Out Stiles In Style

With this basket, Kelsey Plum is the new all-time scoring leader in women’s college basketball. #PlumsPursuit https://t.co/FIxQjwUg4g

— Washington WBB (@UW_WBB) February 25, 2017

The weekend in college basketball should have belonged to Washington senior Kelsey Plum. Needing 54 points to overtake Jackie Stiles as women’s college basketball’s all-time leading scorer, Plum ‘sploded for 57 points against Utah on Saturday.

A humble 5’9″ lefty who is the greatest Husky never to play for Geno Auriemma, Plum now has 3,397 points. However, Plum’s feat was overshadowed when Baylor coach Kim Mulkey (confession: We’ve always adored this spitfire coach, right up until she opened her mouth on Sunday) won her 500th game on Sunday, and then stepped WAY DEEP in it when she decided to talk about Baylor’s massive sex abuse scandal.

4. Baker Mayfield Goes Tommy Rees

Does everyone in OU’s backfield get arrested?

Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield waded into SEC territory (Arkansas) over the weekend and was arrested for public intoxication, disorderly conduct, fleeing the scene and resisting arrest but not for being covered in food. You have to imagine how drunk the famously on-field elusive Mayfield must have been to be chased down from behind and tackled by a cop. Somewhere Johnny Manziel is laughing.

Oklahoma visits Ohio State its SECOND game of next season, so expect Mayfield to get a ONE-GAME suspension.

5. Down Go The Zags

Mika (12) was big all night

Gonzaga has long been to college hoops what its fellow northwest USA neighbor Boise State has been to college football: a perennially dominant team in its class that always manages to lose one game late in the season that perhaps it shouldn’t have.

On Thursday the Zags won at the University of San Diego by 58 points to move to 29-0. Two nights later at home against BYU, a team they’d beaten on the road earlier this month, they headed into the half with a six-point lead. But the Cougars outscored Mark Few’s squad by 14 points after intermission to win 79-71 and end the Zags’ perfect season.

BYU helped its NCAA cause with the win, moving to 21-10. Cougar forward Eric Mika led all scorers with 29 points, none of them off three-pointers. He’s a modern-day unicorn.

Does Gonzaga still merit a No. 1 seed out West? Nope. I think it’ll go to UCLA, which beat Arizona in Tucson on Saturday night.

Music 101

The Stranger

I was living in New Jersey in 1977 (and had never been west of Great Adventure in Jackson, N.J.) when this song and album were released. I don’t know how the rest of the country took to Billy Joel, but this album was every bit as big as Saturday Night Fever that year and Joel every bit as big as the Bee Gees. Joel is now the house band at Madison Square Garden, playing there once a month to packed houses. Meanwhile, his ex-wife is also aging well (this performance is from 1977 at Carnegie Hall).

Joel’s daughter and ex-wife

Remote Patrol

North Carolina at Virginia

7 p.m. ESPN

Are the Tar Heels (23-5, 13-3 in the ACC) the best team in the nation? Or merely a No. 1 seed? Methinks if they win the ACC regular season title and at least advance to the conference final, they’ll be a No. 1 seed.

by Chris Corbellini

Oscar Predictions: La La Land for the win

I asked myself a simple question when compiling this year’s Oscar predictions: How did that movie make you feel when you exited the theater? 

I walked out of La La Land glowing. It’s a cure for the blues. I think Academy voters will agree that was what the movie set out to do, and not only does it have the bells and whistles that make the working production folks elbow each other in admiration, on a bigger scale it’s a celebration of a business that since the silent era has attempted to make people exit a theater in an emotional state. Yep, it’s not the money that drives all of that make-believe; rather it’s the stories that inspire us all. A happy fiction.

La La Land. 

It’s winning big tonight.

Below are my predictions on exactly how big.

And is there still time to put Bill Paxton in the “In Memoriam” segment?

Actor in a Leading Role

Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea

Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
Ryan Gosling, La La Land

Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington, Fences

 Winner: Casey Affleck. Steely Denzel might wrench this one away from him, particularly after Affleck’s two settled sexual harassment lawsuits came to light.

Actress in a Leading Role

Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Ruth Negga, Loving
Natalie Portman, Jackie
Emma Stone, La La Land
Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins

Winner: Emma Stone. The Academy is putting this smiling and dancing sprite up on stage. It’s happening.

 Actor in a Supporting Role

Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
Lucas Hedges, Manchester by the Sea
Dev Patel, Lion
Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals

Winner: Mahershala Ali. Not a lot of screen time, but he made those moments count. There are great things ahead for this actor. He knows it, and he seems humbled by it.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Viola Davis, Fences
Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Nicole Kidman, Lion

Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea

Winner: Viola Davis. This was the easiest category to handicap.

Animated Feature Film

Kubo and the Two Strings
Moana
My Life as a Zucchini

The Red Turtle
Zootopia

Winner: Zootopia. Also an easy one.

Cinematography

Arrival

La La Land

Lion

Moonlight

Silence

Winner: La La Land. There’s some lovely magic hour scenes in this, but the shot that really dazzled me came early, during a Hollywood party, when the camera followed Stone, then captured a stunt man jump from a roof into a pool — following him under water — and then spun around that pool as partygoers jumped in with him.

Costume Design

Allied

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Florence Foster Jenkins

Jackie

La La Land

Winner: Jackie. She was a fashion icon and a graceful figure, so costume design was nearly as important as the script. Of course Fantastic Beasts could take this one, too.

  Documentary (feature)

Fire at Sea

I Am Not Your Negro
Life, Animated
O.J.: Made in America
13^th

Winner: O.J.: Made in America. ESPN wins its first Oscar.

 Documentary (short subject)

Extremis

4.1 Miles

Joe’s Violin

Watani: My Homeland
The White Helmets

 Winner: White Helmets. A dart throw, admittedly. There was some buzz to it.

Film Editing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water

La La Land

Moonlight

Winner: La La Land. There are elegant edits from start to finish in the movie — a late-movie cut from Gosling’s piano in his nightclub to the one in the restaurant where he and Stone first meet, for instance.  In fact the entire final sequence is terrific, as Stone and Gosling dance through a life they could have had. That’s simple to nail down in a script. But giving those moments verve is all in the edit bay. Tom Cross will win back-to-back Oscars, after taking one home for Whiplash last year.

Foreign Language Film

Land of Mine

A Man Called Ove
The Salesman
Tanna

Toni Erdmann

Winner: The Salesman. The director is boycotting the Oscars, giving this category a political edge.

 Makeup and Hairstyling

A Man Called Ove

Star Trek Beyond
Suicide Squad

Winner: Star Trek Beyond. Suicide Squad had four headliners: Will Smith, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie … and Margot Robbie’s butt. It’s an awful movie, and I can’t see Academy voters rewarding the filmmakers in any fashion. But if it pulls off the upset, said voters were swayed by Robbie’s posterior. It was prominently featured.

Music (Original Score)

Jackie

La La Land

Lion

Moonlight

Passengers

Winner: La La Land. Child, please.

Music (Original Song)

“Audition (The Fools Who Dream)”: from La La Land
“Can’t Stop The Feeling”: from Trolls
“City of Stars”: from La La Land

“The Empty Chair”: from Jim, The James Foley Story
“How Far I’ll Go”: from Moana

Winner: Audition (The Fools Who Dream). I don’t agree that La La Land will lose out in this category due to splitting votes — there’s a good chance “City of Stars” takes this. But Audition is the standout moment of the movie – a scene that connects with every dreamer in the audience, which is to say, everyone in the audience.

Production Design

Arrival

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Hail, Caesar!

La La Land

Passengers

Winner: Arrival. The great challenge of this movie was to make an alien species and the world of academics and military leaders trying to understand them look completely original, and not a 21^st Century reboot of Close Encounters of the Third Kind. They did it. That said, Fantastic Beasts could take this category as well.

Short Film (Animated)

Blind Vaysha

Borrowed Time

Pear Cider and Cigarettes
Pearl

Piper

Winner: Piper. Everyone loves Pixar.

Short Film (Live Action)

Ennemis Interieurs
La Femme et le TGV

Silent Nights
Sing

Timecode

Winner: Ennemis Interieurs. Just in case you were really struggling with your Oscar pool here, I think this one is the safest bet.

Sound Editing

Arrival
Deepwater Horizon

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land

Sully

Winner: La La Land. There are some beautiful out cuts right before a title cards pop up (WINTER, SPRING, etc). The one that really stands out is an abrupt one during the rock-jazz concert, when the Stone character believes Gosling’s jazzman has sold out — a sound outcue to the beginning of the end of their relationship. Still, you could make a case for any of these movies. That’s a lot of sound to cull together: Hacksaw (war), Horizon (chaos), Arrival (alien life), and Sully (air disaster), and each overcame their respective editing challenges. Hacksaw could easily take this. But that’s overthinking this one. Again, how did the movie make voters feel?

Sound Mixing

Arrival

Hacksaw Ridge

La La Land

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

Winner: La La Land. Arrival’s sound was its own character … there was a sense of dread leading up to first contact, and that’s all in the mix. I will hate myself if Arrival pulls off the upset because it deserves this one, but again, I’m predicting no voter is over-thinking this, and will award Oscar to the musical in the field.

Visual Effects

Deepwater Horizon
Doctor Strange

The Jungle Book
Kubo and the Two Strings
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Winner: The Jungle Book. A few years ahead of its time with a child actor and that animal planet of FX reacting back at him. And it answered the question my eight-year-old self wanted to know: Who would win in a fight, a black panther or a tiger?

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Arrival

Fences

Hidden Figures 

Lion

Moonlight

Winner: Moonlight. The film’s condolence prize for not winning Best Picture.

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Hell or High Water

La La Land

The Lobster

Manchester by the Sea

20^th Century Women

Winner: Manchester by the Sea. This would also be a signal to the filmmakers involved in Manchester that they were worthy of winning Best Picture … if not for a movie that honors the very town they live in. It took Kenneth Lonergan three years to write the script for Manchester, and from that grind came a story of unthinkable grief with the most natural dialogue of the year. It’s a lot of work to make it all three acts seem so true-to-life. Every character involved is someone you run into when the death of a loved one forces you into action, or into seclusion.

Directing

Arrival, Dennis Villeneuve

Hacksaw Ridge, Mel Gibson
La La Land, Damien Chazelle

Manchester by the Sea, Kenneth Lonergan

Moonlight, Barry Jenkins

Winner: La La Land. With this and the critically-lauded Whiplash, the happiest person in the room is the 32-year-old Chazelle’s agent, 32-year-old Roger Green.

Best Picture

Arrival

Fences

Hacksaw Ridge

Hell or High Water

Hidden Figures

La La Land

Lion

Manchester by the Sea

Moonlight

Winner: La La Land. Beautiful on the inside and out — a story not about whom you step over to become famous, but how you can’t realize a dream without some help along the way.  I visited Hollywood last month and amongst working professionals in that business, the feeling is La La Land is not even the third-best movie among the nominees. And more than a few people are put off by the white savior jazzman element to the musical (with a mansplaining segment, no less).

 I don’t care. I know how I felt leaving the theater.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Bannon and Priebus

Khaki Power Move

When you show up at CPAC dressed like a blogger on that one day of the week he leaves the house, well, you’re telling the Boss (DT) that you can do whatever the hell you want. Look, in contrast, how Reince Priebus is dressed.

If you didn’t listen, Steve Bannon spoke quite clearly and and articulately to his conservative base. His three points: 1) national security, 2) wants no part of economic globalism, 3) deconstruction (his word) of administrative state.

Please tell me somebody else saw Priebus’ reaction to Bannon trying to touch him. #CPAC2017 pic.twitter.com/oNXGEvgNhv

— Kyle Alvarado (@KJAlvarado124) February 23, 2017

If you’re wondering why this administration pretty much chose the worst people they could possibly find for some cabinet positions (Betsy Devos for Education; Scott Pruitt for EPA; Rick Perry for Energy), my guess is that had nothing to do with them being poor choice makers. It was all about them not wanting those agencies to actually function.

p.s. Bannon still hates the media, which is odd, since we seem to shop at the same clothing stores.

2. Leak As I Say, Not As I Do

Earlier this week White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, breaching protocol (what else is new?), reached out to FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe asking them to disavow stories by The New York Times and CNN stating that the Russians had contact with some members of Trump’s posse during the presidential campaign.

When McCabe essentially told Priebus to step back into the batter’s box and stop worrying about whether the pitch was inside, he redoubled efforts by once more reaching out to McCabe as well as to his boss, FBI Director James Comey. This time he asked them to at least LEAK such info to news organizations.

The FBI is totally unable to stop the national security “leakers” that have permeated our government for a long time. They can’t even……

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 24, 2017

find the leakers within the FBI itself. Classified information is being given to media that could have a devastating effect on U.S. FIND NOW

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 24, 2017

So of course, what happens? What gets leaked is Reince’s effort to persuade the FBI to do Trump’s biding. And of course this a.m. Prez. Donald tweets about the upsetting notion that there are leakers inside the FBI not blindly loyal to him as opposed to the possibility of corruption and the certainty of attempted coercion. Again, remember about Trump: 1) Never apologize, 2) Never admit you’re wrong about anything even when you are caught red-handed.

3. Hidden in Plain Sight Figures*

*The judges will also accept “Weekend, Getaway”

When I heard there was a film titled Get Out, I wondered if you could do an entire movie about Elaine Benes’ signature move. Turns out Jordan Peele (of Key & Peele) has directed a film about an interracial couple (Allison Williams and Daniel Kaluuya) living in NYC (Brooklyn?) who head upstate to visit her parents for the weekend, a la Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? and run into the plantation version of The Stepford Wives.

Why is the film, which opens today, garnering so much attention? For one reason it has a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

4. Get Off My Lawn!

Why did NBC Nightly News lead off its national broadcast last night with the story of an off-duty (WHITE) cop pulling a gun on some (HISPANIC) teens who were trespassing on his property? One, because they had the video and two, my theory, because it is a microcosm of the entire illegal immigration issue.

It’s been a long time since I’ve lived in the suburbs, or in a home with a lawn and this may surprise you, but though he certainly overreacted (Step No. 1: Don’t carry a pistol tucked in your waist band aimed at far more valuable personal property than your hedges), I’m on his side. From what I can recall about these types of situations, he probably warned them multiple times not to walk across his yard and they probably either ignored him or enjoyed  annoying him, particularly since he’s a cop. That’s an assumption, I grant you.

Why build a wall when you can build a moat? This could also solve the global warming/rising oceans issue? Problem solved.

A few thoughts:

–Here’s an essay I wrote last April about the “Get Off My Lawn” phenomenon that I truly hope you read (I’ll wait until you finish before typing further).

–Here’s what I don’t understand about illegal immigration (and this is not to say that I’m in favor of deporting everyone who is here illegally): Liberals love to talk about how we are a nation of laws, and so when someone who is conservative Christian hates the idea of same-sex marriage they might argue, Go ahead and hate it; We’re not asking you to bless it, just respect that it is the law. Okay, fine.

So there are also laws against (and billions of dollars spent and entire agencies in existence to prevent) illegal immigration. So why do so many liberals who fight for laws to respect their rights and admonish officials to enforce them suddenly turn  a blind eye to these laws?

–If you believe we need to relax immigration policies, fine. We all know that most illegal immigrants are here simply because they want a better life for themselves and their families, to have a good job and to be safe. I think most of us can respect that. But why even have a border patrol or fences or laws on the books if the policy is going to be, Oh, if you get past the velvet rope and the bouncer, then you’re in da club.

–It’s dishonest and disingenuous when Donald calls Mexican “rapists” and “drug dealers,” but it’s no less disingenuous when MSNBC’s Joy Reid (and others) refers to illegal immigrants as “dreamers” and “angels.” If you don’t want a pejorative label put on people, great; don’t put an equally dishonest beatific label on everyone, either.

–I work with illegal immigrants in the summer and love them as people and greatly admire their work ethic. I also know the ones that I work with are resourceful. There’s a market for everything in the USA, which is to say that if ICE keeps cracking down on illegal immigrants, I think you’ll see a big uptick in the rate of weddings between illegals and natural-born U.S. citizens.

5. Around The World In 12 Books

Trinity College, Dublin

I love visiting nationalgeographic.com because visually it serves as an aspirational site to what all of the web should and hopefully one day will look like. Also, because the people there seem to get that this is a planet worth cherishing and that, you know, maybe we should be using our minds once in awhile (in other words, they’re the polar opposite of the “dude” who lives in the White House.

Here’s a fantastic photo essay they have up today on traveling the globe in a dozen tomes.  Check it out.

Music 101

Sing A Song

Why don’t you own Earth, Wind & Fire Greatest Hits? You really should, you know. This is just outstanding get up-and-shake-your-booty music. This particular tune was released in 1975 and it went to No. 5 on the Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

SUNDAY

The 89th Oscars

7 p.m. ABC

Isabelle Huppert

The Super Bowl of Hollywood! By the time the Red Carpet ceremony starts at 7 (Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t take the stage until 8:30 p.m.), I may be the only person left publicly willing to defend La La Land for Best Picture. Haven’t seen enough movies to make educated guesses, but when has that ever stopped anyone? Here are my WILL Wins, as opposed to SHOULD Wins:

Best Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali, Moonlight

Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis, Fences (I hope Octavia Spencer goes up to accept it just to see how many Americans realize it’s not Viola)

Best Actor:  Casey Affleck, Manchester By The Sea

Best Actress: Emma Stone, La La Land (My heart is telling me to pick Isabelle Huppert for Elle)

Best Picture: Hidden Figures (the backlash against La La Land has been strong of late)

by John Walters

Starting Five

Minding Your Cuse

The MH staff got a late start today because we all piled into the Charger Hemi and drove up to Syracuse, the Paris of Central New York, on a whim. Bad idea. Boring game. We can’t even remember who won.

2. Immigrants In Los Angeles To Be Deported?

Jay and Dan get to leave the country. No fair!

At a meeting on the Fox lot this morning, FS1 notified employees that Fox Sports Live is being canceled. The last episode was last night and hosts Jay Onrait and Dan O’Toole, who were a big deal in Canada, will not have their contracts renewed. Does this mean they no longer have work visas and will soon receive a visit from ICE?

Recyclable Time?

FS1 also canceled Garbage Time, Katie Nolan’s boutique show, but only as a means to give her greater exposure: “”You’re going to see zero Jay & Dan,” one nameless (I mean, he has a name, he just didn’t want it to be used) executive told Ben Koo of Awful Announcing. But you’re going to see five times as much Katie Nolan.”

No word on if FS1 will develop a show for her in which she says “Hi” to her dad at least once per episode.

3. For Runners Only

The staff or Let’s Run, pictured with four of their human friends.

If you are an avid runner, you know about the site LetsRun.com. It’s the internet knitting circle of sub-7 minute milers. Here’s a great profile on the site from Outside (wish I’d thought of this) and a story within about how the crowdsourcing factor of its many readers allowed them to bust a runner who was in the midst of committing a hoax.

4. White Noise

#MakeAmericaGreatAgain pic.twitter.com/iwkcH3BBAG

— President Trump (@POTUS) February 17, 2017

(This photo is NOT white enough to accurately depict how white major market sports radio is)

A site/service named Barrett Sports Media recently released a list of the Top 20 Major Market Morning Shows for sports radio (I can’t listen to sports radio; it’s like taffy for the mind). You can click on the list. I counted 43 white dudes and one white woman. No blacks, no Hispanics. This is only fair because everyone knows that African-Americans rarely are provocative or have anything interesting to say, especially not about sports. And they’re very monotone and dull, you know, the way Rod Tidwell was in Jerry Maguire.

5. Another Day Of Trump

The Standing Rock camp is set to flames as one protester refuses to budge. This photo by Stephen Yang of Getty should win a Pulitzer.

Standing Rock awfulness, Paul Ryan not understanding the difference between freedom and wealth, and Arkansans taking it to Senator Tom Cotton (R) (Heartwarming to see GOP’ers finally understanding they’ve been suckered). It’s Another Day of Trump/Another Day of Trump....

“Freedom is the ability to buy what you want.”

Um, no. That’s *wealth.* You’re describing wealth. https://t.co/TXehL20yrH

— Fred Clark (@SlacktivistFred) February 22, 2017

Music 101

Sex (I’m A)

For awhile there in 1983, as New Wave was entering its peak years, we thought that Berlin (an American band) might be the next Blondie. This song was banned on several radio stations, which is why 16 year-old me and my friends craved it so much. It never climbed higher than 62 on the charts. Berlin never were as dangerous as Blondie, and lead singer Terri Nunn was no Deborah Harry. But they did achieve mega-success three years later with their schmaltz hit “Take My Breath Away” that was featured in Top Gun.

Remote Patrol

Superstore

8 p.m. NBC

“Let’s make the colored guy a cripple. Two birds with one stone.” “I like the way you think, Tucker.”

I’m KIDDING! But have you noticed how the networks, realizing they can’t compete with edgy NetFlix or Amazon shows, have decided collectively, “Why would we WANT to do that, anyway?” Look who won!” So bring on the red-state, MAGA-friendly comedies.

(Clips-Warriors is on at 10:30 p.m. on TNT while Pasch and Walton will be bickering about the “conference of champions” over on ESPN at 9 p.m.)

by Michael DePaoli

(The author occasionally attends hoity toity film festivals and has submitted some thoughts on  few lesser-known Oscar nominees; Related: The author lives in the Arizona desert yet is rarely seen in shorts himself)

THE OSCARS 2017

SHORTS

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

There are five films nominated in the category of animated short film, but there is only one that could and should win: PIPER. In this story, a mother bird tries to teach a baby bird how to find food, and the result is adorable. Having watched all of the nominated films in the category, the only way that PIPER will not win would be if excellence might not be the goal (or, if the voters have something against Disney/Pixar).

DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT)

Three films in this category are outstanding, and all three deal with different facets of the Syrian war and the refugee problems in Europe. I would declare a three-way tie.

4.1 MILES presents a coast guard boat captain in Greece who must deal with the wave of immigrants trying to make the crossing from Turkey across treacherous waters. The story is palpable and personal, and it presents the magnitude of the refugee problem from the perspective of one seaport. After viewing this short movie, you will see the refugees as human beings, and not statistics.

THE WHITE HELMETS allows us to witness the rescue workers at the Syrian Civil Defense who risk their own lives to save people trapped in the rubble after bombs are dropped. This movie is not about being political, it is about being a hero.

WATANI: MY HOMELAND is the intimate portrayal of a family who is forced to deal with the Syrian War. You watch the children grow up on the screen, as they escape the violence and try to create a new life.

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

The choice in this category is just splitting hairs because all five of the nominated films are inspirationally excellent.

TIMECODE was my personal favorite in this group, but it was by no means better than the other four films. It tells the unique story of flirtation and romance on security cameras.

SING gives us a heartwarming tale about children finding justice while singing in a choir.

SILENT NIGHTS is a love story between a refugee and a social worker that rips you apart and puts you back together by the end.

LE FEMME ET LE TGV is about an elderly woman finding her true self, all over again, by waving at the fast-moving train that travels by her house.

ENNEMIS INTERIEURS is an interrogation movie that explores loyalty to country and loyalty to friends.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Fake Moos*

*The judges will also accept “Escape From Moo York” and “He Cud Go All The Way”, “Jamaica Run For It”

“Runaway cow, never going back/Not about to be product for Shake Shack,

Runaway cow, get away quick/Take Northern Blvd. to the on-ramp at Van Wyck”

Am I weird that the Runaway Cow story made me sad yesterday? Hey, I had a burger at J.G. Melon last Friday night, so that makes me something of a hypocrite (it’s difficult to be an idealist when burgers taste so good). This was a terrified animal running for its life with no real chance in an age of militarized police and overhead news copters. Also, we’re an increasingly scaredy-cat society that puts “keeping people safe” against real and more importantly, imagined dangers, above all else. I was rooting for you, Runaway Cow. And I’ll always admire your attempt: all any living creature really wants is to live free.

2. Charade

“Where’s the Kenyan manger where Obama was born?”

A dude whose entire grassroots movement was built on falsely accusing the first African-American president of being born in Africa suddenly cares about black people (and, as a two-fer, because who wants to walk all the way over to the Holocaust Museum, it’s so far? It’s next door? Oh, good to know….)? Ni**er, please.

Donald Trump, reading from a carefully worded script, never used the words “slavery” or “Holocaust.” He also had a big rally in Melbourne, Florida, on Saturday where he could have paid lip service to these same issues and took a hard pass.

Sorry. Not even close to buying it. You know what WAS real yesterday? This. Watch from 9:00 on. Chris Matthews kicks Ned Ryun’s ass here.

And this…

What’s going on? You’re so sick of your parents making you eat your vegetables and do your homework, so you go live with that fun-ass neighbor. Except after moving there you realize he doesn’t do laundry, doesn’t buy toilet paper, doesn’t buy milk or eggs and, well, it’s a heroin den. You assumed he’d be fun AND take care of the simple things you took for granted. Wrong.

3. Ball Four-gone Conclusion

Major League Baseball wants games to not eclipse 3 hours any more so as a stop gap measure (like saving a few hundred jobs at Carrier while ignoring the larger issues) it’s eliminating the intentional walk. Instead, a signal from the dugout will allow umps to direct the batter to first base.

Now, the IW isn’t my most hallowed baseball item, but I don’t like the spirit of this edict: In order to make baseball more palatable to the Snapchat generation, we’re going to eliminate things that make it baseball-y.

I’m kinda hoping pitchers defy this ruling by either pitching around hitters or plunking them in the side butt. Wanna make games shorter? First thing, allow no more than one tric to the mound in any game by a pitching coach or manager. And one more trip by a catcher. Two total. Any more and the batter takes his base. That’s number one….

4. Unalaska IS Alaska

There is no town of 500 or more people in the United States located farther west than Unalaska, Alaska. It’s more than halfway out on the chain of the Aleutian Islands, an 800-mile flight southwest of Anchorage. It’s also home to the state champion 2A basketball team. My story in Newsweek is here.

Let me take space here to thank school principal Jim Wilson, coach Kent Russell, deputy chief Jennifer Shockley, native Sharon Svarny-Livingston and a few others who helped with this piece. Unalaska is quite a noteworthy place. It’s the last piece of U.S. territory that was ever attacked by a foreign military power and it has been home to the Unangan, or Aleutian people, since the Stone Age.

4,500 people live on an island that is twice the size of Oahu

As isolated as this place is, the town and team are a model for what the United States should be. The starting five features two Filipinos, one Samoan, one half-Unangan, and one Caucasian. The top two reserves are Vietnamese. I hope you give the story a read.

5. Good Buss? Magic Buss

Jeannie! Major Bellows is going to be furious!

*The judges will also accept, “I Scream of Jeannie” or “It’s not personal, it’s Showtime” and “Does This Buss Stop In Last Place?”

As my friend Chris Corbellini noted,

Jeanie Buss settled all family business. She may have sent Jim fishing in Tahoe for all we know: https://t.co/uvdibEYXxm

— Chris Corbellini (@ChrisCorbellini) February 21, 2017

 The fans will note that GM Mitch Kupchak (if you’re of a certain age, you instantly go to the movie Caddyshack when hearing that name) and designated Fredo (“I’m smart!”) Jim Buss are gone, but if you’re an old scribe you find it hard to believe they got rid of PR chieftain John Black, who’d been with the Lakers since the Showtime era. John Black (no, that’s not his spy name; that’s his real name) was as much a part of L.A. as the Hollywood sign. And the Hollyweed sign.

Writers loved dealing with John Black. Now our only old friend in LA media is Tim Tessalone.

Hey, the Lakers have been awful for awhile and it’s going to take some time. Luke Walton is a good hire and while I really don’ t believe much in this current young nucleus (hell, the Suns probably have a better Under-25 nucleus), Jeannie had to do something. But haven’t we seen enough of Magic Johnson, on variety shows, as a studio analyst, as a coach, to know that there are two things he does well and neither of them involve being peripherally involved with basketball?

Music 101

Lost In Love

Eleven out of 10 people consider themselves too cool for Air Supply. I get it, but I love this song and have never hidden my unfettered love for Aussie schmaltz pop (hello, Little River Band). Go ahead and mock this flaccid rock group who met while performing in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar, but this 1980 hit is soft-rock perfection (unless you consider that an oxymoron, which, okay, I understand).

Remote Patrol

Sports

Duke at Syracuse

Louisville at North Carolina

7 & 9 p.m. ESPN

Non-Sports

Roman Holiday

8 p.m. TCM

Trump’s First 100 Days

10 p.m. MSNBC

That two-day desert of horrid TV choices ends (so bad I almost found myself watching TV or worse, calling old friends). The last item on this list will feature a two-hour round table on The First Month of Trump featuring the MSNBC primetime hosts, and IMHO Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell and Brian Williams have been better than anyone not named Jake Tapper since the election.

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. McMaster Of The House

Critics are praising Donald Trump’s selection of three-star general H.R. McMaster as the latest National Security Adviser because he has a degree from West Point, was a decorated field commander in Iraq and Afghanistan, and has a Ph.D. in military history from the University of North Carolina.

Personally, I think Donald chose him because he looks like a guy who would play a general in an action movie and because of his last name. Also, because if he (or a minion) Googled McMaster he’d see that his wife is named Kathleen Trotter and maybe Trump mistook her for Canadian fitness guru Kathleen Trotter. Maybe?

Not the general’s wife. Not even his McMistress

Oh, that doctoral thesis was turned into a book, Dereliction of Duty, in which McMaster wrote, “The war in Vietnam was not lost in the field, nor was it lost on the front pages of the New York Times or the college campuses. It was lost in Washington, D.C.”

Clip and save.

2. A.D. and Boogie

At the time of the trade, DeMarcus Cousins, 6’11”, was fourth in the NBA in scoring (27.8 ppg). Anthony Davis, 6’10”, was fifth in the league in scoring (27.7 ppg). It’s rare enough to have two teammates finish in the Top 5 in scoring, but rarer still—in fact, as far as MH’s crack research staff of kindly Twitter followers who did the work for us can tell, it has NEVER HAPPENED—for two teammates 6’10” or taller to do so.

So let’s see if this pair of Kentucky products can maintain those levels of production. It’s intriguing in this age of bombs-away from beyond the arc to watch a team literally double down on low-post scoring (even though both are decent outside shooters). The Pelicans are taking the ’75 Corvette out for a spin. At least it’ll be fun to watch.

There was no cooler American-made car in the Seventies, though as the decades pass, the GTO and Challenger get more love

By the way, the Pelicans also have THREE seven-footers in their lineup. Wouldn’t you love to see coach Alvin Gentry put those three, plus Boogie and point guard AD on the floor just once?

3. The Curious Case of the Russian Diplomat Who Was Found Dead on Election Day

Who killed Sergei Krivov, who was found dead at 7 a.m. inside the Russian consulate on East 90th Street in New York City? Or did he die of natural causes? Where is his body? And why has the NYPD closed the case while the medical examiner’s office, which no longer has the corpse, still has it open? An intriguing read from Buzzfeed, although I’m not sure where they got the fact that there was “blunt force trauma” to his head.

Not directly related, but such a good line from last night:

Stephen Colbert: “90% of Swedish crime takes place in ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.'”

— Medium Happy (@jdubs88) February 21, 2017

4. Black And White Lives Matter

Just once, can’t we meet a panda named “Frank” or “Larry?”

This is Bao Bao, who is being deported from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., to “CHI-na.” Or maybe I’m just panda’ing to my constituency, and it’s an open exchange between the two countries. Frankly, I think the D.C. Zoo is getting fleeced in the deal and it doesn’t help that zoo director Vlade Divac admitted they had a better deal from the Prague Zoo two days earlier but turned it down.

5. CPAC Disinvites Milo

Dude, we’re all for hate speech, but you gotta tone down that whole sodomizing boys is okay thing, Okay?

In this very space yesterday I defended Milo Yiannopoulos as someone whose political thoughts I almost universally disagreed with but as someone who was at least funny and smart. Also, as someone later pointed out on CNN, he’s very good at “identity politics,” claiming you can’t call him a bigot because after all he’s gay and has a black boyfriend.*

*Oh, but see, that’s the thing about sexuality; it makes hypocrites of us all. Ask Thomas Jefferson.

Anyway, the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) loved Milo way more than I do, inviting him to be a speaker as their way to show libtards, cucks and snowflakes how horny they are about the First Amendment (because it allows them to say bigoted, misogynistic, homophobic and anti-Semitic things and if you cucks don’t like it, then you are hyporcrites). But then came word that Milo had laughed off and condoned pedophilia by Catholic priests, and apparently we discovered the new line in the sand not to be crossed in the CPAC sandbos.

So Milo was disinvited—and he also lost a book deal. Of course, all of this will only increase his popularity with the alt-right-delete crowd. Of course, CPAC, which runs from February 22-25, has not rescinded the speaker invitation of Donald “Grab ’em by the pu**y” Trump for its conference. Or Mike “conversion therapy” Pence. Good times.

Reserves

This as the cover would have generated more heat and pub

Casa Bianca

I was fortunate enough to work at Sports Illustrated throughout the 1990s, in the last years when the SI Swimsuit Issue was still a buzz-worthy phenomenon. Then Maxim and other lad mags as well as the internet came along and watered down its influence.

Anyway, one man’s opinion, but I thought the mag might have drawn more attention last week by putting a relative unknown on the cover as opposed to Kate “Check Out These Milk Cannisters” Upton. Four more inspired choices? Bailey Clauson, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Anne De Paula and/or rookie Bianca Balti, of Italy, above. Now you are in a Baltic state of mind.

Music 101

Drain You

Yesterday Kurt Cobain would have turned 50. Time marches on. On December 29, 1991, I sat onstage (thanks, Lorraine) in Tempe, Arizona, as Nirvana played a 12-song set, sandwiched between Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers. This was the song they led off with that night in the desert.

This is a wonderful interview of Cobain late in his life. He’s really such a down-to-earth guy. He was never the overly affected rocker you might have supposed him to be.

Remote Patrol

The Detour

TBS 10 p.m.

The Parker family moves to New York City for Season 2. Jason Jones (who created this series with his wife, Samantha Bee, perhaps you’ve heard of her) and Natalie Zea star and if you missed the rookie season, try to catch the re-runs. It’s twisted, kind of a Flirting With Disaster meets Little Miss Sunshine meets We’re The Millers, but funnier.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Cover Me

A couple days ago Bruce Springsteen and the E  Street Band were playing in Brisbane, Australia, and this happened. Stick around ’til the end because the lad, Nathan Teston, lands a souvenir.

Just because it’s Another Day of Trump doesn’t mean we always have to begin with a downer….

Uncontested

At least Curry was honest about it….

I went to a basketball game and the Pro Bowl broke out.

2017 NBA All-Star Game: West 192, East 182

(I got out my calculator out, and that’s 374 points).*

*All-Star Game Record

A few plays later, Curry went up for a defensive rebound, and Giannis happened…

In case you were curious:

2014: East 163, West 155; 318 points. A record.

2015: West 163, East 158; 321 points. A new record.

2016: West 196, East 173; 369 points. A new record.

The last time I saw a market rise this irrationally, Michael Burry shorted it and became a kabillionaire. ESPN wants to talk about the Durant-Westbrook Alley Oop Armistice, but I think Marv Albert was making a more salient point: Sure, we like to see offense, but can we keep the dunk contest on Saturday and actually play a little bit of defense?

Not sure what carrot we need to dangle. Maybe the losing team has to get into a ship with Kyrie “Panned Planethood” Irving and sail off the edge of the Earth?

3. Artificial Sweden-er

Grandiosity

Among the many dubious things Donald Trump said at Saturday’s “Rally To Massage My Fragile Ego,” he brought up Europe and terrorism: “We’ve got to keep our country safe. You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden — Sweden, who would believe this?”

To which Sweden asked, “What?!?” (Or however you say that in Swedish).

This is from Carl Bildt, former Prime Minister of Sweden:

Last year there were app 50% more murders only in Orlando/Orange in Florida, where Trump spoke the other day, than in all of Sweden. Bad.

— Carl Bildt (@carlbildt) February 20, 2017

Trump was citing a Fox News interview he must’ve seen on Friday evening, but what’s funny is that even a few Fox News anchors have decided to no longer carry the president’s water. We featured a clip from Shepherd Smith last week, but here’s Chris Wallace (son of Mike) informing Reince Priebus that after only one month, the Trump White House has whined more about the media and said far more inflammatory things than Trump’s predecessor ever did.

Priebus kept talking about needing to get “sources on the record.” Like Deep Throat, Reince?

Meanwhile, how can we pass up a chance to replay “Let’s Look For Swedes…”

4. Boogie Down*

Is this the scariest man in the NBA?

*The judges will grudgingly accept Sacramento King Cake and somewhat more enthusiastically accept “Buddy, Can You Spare a Dime?”

Sacramento King DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins only played two minutes in last night’s All-Star Game and as I was mostly watching The Saviors vs. The Kingdom vs. Alexandria vs. the newest gang, The Heap-sters (love that name), I just assumed he’d been ejected. Turns out the talented but tumultuous big man was about to be traded.

Pelicans get: Cousins and forward Omri Casspi.

Kings get: Noted nut-puncher of Cousins, Buddy Hield; Tyreke Evans; Langston Galloway; a 2017 1st round, a 2017 second round.

As MH reader Okerland tweeted: “See what happens when you punch Boogie in the nuts?”

From heel to Hield in Sac-Town….

Cousins, who is 4th in the NBA in scoring and 11th in rebounding, is supremely gifted and still only 26. But he’s a little bit moody. Just a touch. If he and fellow former Kentucky big man Anthony Davis, who is 5th in the NBA in scoring and put up the easiest 52 points you’ve ever seen last night (an NBA All-Star Game record, but there was no defense, and these were mostly dunks, so….), then maybe the Pelicans can be something. They’ll still need a guard.

This trade isn’t about to bring Sac-Town to greatness, but they simply just got tired of Boogie being Boogie and knew when he became a FA this summer that he’d be leaving. As good as the surly 6’11’ Boogie is, this is his seventh NBA season and he still has yet to appear in a playoff game.

5. Milo: Hateful Ideas, But Charming and Smart

Kudos to Bill Maher for inviting every college student’s favorite alt-right target of hate, Milo Yiannopoulus, onto Real Time last Friday. I thought I’d be getting a younger version of Steve Bannon, a better-looking version of Stephen Miller, a just-as-punchable version of Richard Spencer, but you know what?

He’s a lot more like Bill Maher than any of those guys—just prettier. Milo is a world-class provocateur (during “Overtime” he got two of three panelists to tell him to “F**k yourself” or some variation) and he’s also funny and self-aware. Yes, some of what he spews is garbage, but he also has a lot more charm than anyone on the Trump staff or even in the alt-right universe. And he’s not stupid. Misguided in some of his opinions, but not stupid. Take a look.
Also, Bill Maher’s “Gall Pass” rant was right on (and by “right” I mean correct, not a political leaning). Watch it:

Music 101

I Didn’t Get To Sleep At All

If the topic is black female singers, you should be as familiar with Marilyn McCoo as you are with Whitney Houston or—do I dare?—Queen Bey. As the lead singer of The Fifth Dimension, it is the lovely McCoo’s lovely voice that you hear on “Wedding Bell Blues,” “Up, Up and Away” and this, the ultimate insomniac anthem. It climbed to No. 8 on the charts in spring of 1972.

Remote Patrol

Braveheart

11 p.m. Spike

Does George R.R. Martin write Game of Thrones if this hadn’t come out?

Maybe you’re the one person who is holding out and hasn’t seen this film. Maybe you thought you wouldn’t enjoy scenery of the Scottish Highlands, or men in kilts doing battle. Maybe you don’t have to be up early Tuesday morning. What Evs. On Oscar Week, let’s remember this ’95 film, a worthy Best Picture winner.

by John Walters

Starting Five

This photo isn’t too impressive until you notice the two men in the sink hole

California Streaming

Water, water, everywhere! California, land of the perpetual drought, is now its own disaster film. Five people died in various storm-related incidents (electrocution, submerged vehicle, pedestrian swept away) as presumably Albert “It Never Rains In Southern California” Hammond scrubbed a nostalgia gig.

Was it only two years ago, this same time of year, that SoCal was drenched with rain and Ellen DeGeneres kicked off the Oscars assuring the world that Hollywood was fine? At least the gods/God were kind enough to bring this storm a full week earlier this year.

2. Hangar Stake

In dire need of some emotional stroking after four weeks on the job, Donald Trump fled to Florida (again) and held a rally in front of 9,000 acolytes at an airport hangar in Melbourne. Donald played many of his heats (“Win, win, win”, “I inherited a mess”, “Get rid of the gang members,” “radical Islam”) but retired “Lock Her Up” and “What The Hell Is Going On In Chicago?”). Then he headed down to Mar-A-Lago.

Trump, the president of all 50 states, has visited Florida three times since being inaugurated, South Carolina once (on Friday), and Maryland briefly (to do a “My bad” in front of the parents of a slain Navy SEAL). That’s it.

There are doofuses who wrongly assume that because Trump stays at his own resort, he’s saving taxpayers money. WRONG. Here’s a Washington Post story detailing just how costly the president’s lifestyle already has been (the Secret Service is working at three dedicated locations–White House, Trump Tower, Mar-A-Lago, while also footing the bill when Donny, Jr., and Eric traveled to the UAE this weekend to conduct private Trump business; American taxpayers are basically underwriting the cost of Trump, Int. doing business; but then again, maybe we’ve already been doing that for decades).

Trump’s three Florida excursions have already cost taxpayers $10 million. When his predecessor took a four-day trip to Chicago and Florida that cost us $3.6 million, Republicans in Congress called for the Government Accountability Office (GAO) review Obama’s costs. When those same Republicans were asked if they’d do the same for Trump, they actually pointed to the Japanese prime minister’s visit as proof that Trump trips were all business.

3. The Mason-Jackson Line

Miss Jackson if you’re nasty

You need guards in the NCAA tournament, and Kansas has two of the nation’s best. Senior Frank Mason III is under six feet but he reminds you of Kemba Walker (who led UConn to a national title in 2011). Superfrosh Josh Jackson is a 6’8″ string bean who plays like a young Kobe Bryant.

Mason making plays

Yesterday in Waco, No. 3 Kansas overcame a four-point deficit late to host No. 4 Baylor to win 67-65. Mason had 23 and Jackson 16. The defense got turnovers at key moments. The front court is not elite, but the Jayhawks (24-3) are going to be an awfully tough out in March and most likely the first weekend of April.

4. The People’s McCourt

You may have heard about Charlotte McCourt by now. A sixth grader and Girl Scout from South Orange, N.J, she hatched a devious plan to sell Girl Scout cookies: honesty. McCourt wrote a letter to her dad’s wealthy friend, Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe, in which she bluntly reviewed her inventory (“Toffee Tastic is a bleak, gluten-free wasteland”), and then Rowe posted the letter on Facebook and talked about it, and the next thing you know McCourt had sold a Girl Scout-record 26,000-plus boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

Did Sally Draper ever sell Girl Scout cookies?

This is the most candid moment in advertising since Don Draper confessed to Hershey brass that he grew up in a whorehouse. Of course, the results of his brutal honesty did not go so well.

5. The Devil and Daniel Webster*

*The judges know: Too Easy

If you went to a Division III basketball game in Nashua, N.H., this weekend and a felony broke out, you were at the Daniel Webster-Southen Vermont College contest. Daniel Webster player Marquise Cardill, 22, was charged with assaulting an opponent and is being held on $50,000 bail. Teammate Antwaun Boyd, 23, was charged with disorderly conduct after allegedly inciting the crowd to hurt an officer who had stepped in to stop Cardill.

The game was forfeited and Southern Vermont won, 2-0. If you took Daniel Webster and laid the points, I don’t know what happens here.