Monthly Archives: November 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

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Is there such a thing as one upcowship?

Starting Five

1. Nov.29: Game 1, 2019 NBA Finals

Kevin Durant scored 51 points and the Warriors overcame a six-point deficit in the final minute in Toronto, but the Raptors, who own the NBA’s best record (19-4), prevailed in OT, 131-128. The Dubs were without Stephen Curry and Draymond Green and have now lost five of their past eight (15-8).

We wouldn’t worry to much about the champs. The Raptors, though, have a terrific nucleus and were led by Kawhi Leonard‘s 37 points. All they really need to compete for the title is Gregg Popovich and/or Jimmy Butler.

Durant becomes the second player this week to put up 50-plus in a losing effort (James Harden). The Warriors become only the second team in history to have three fifty-point scorers in one season (Durant, Curry, Thompson) after one of those fabulous Laker squads where Wilt, West and Baylor did it. Now if they can just get DeMarcus Cousins to post 50 once he is healthy and in the lineup.

2. The Handcuff’s Tale

Far-right activist Laura Loomer, who is Jewish (we already spot a conflict) handcuffed herself to the doors of Twitter’s New York City headquarters last night to protest being kicked off the media platform. Why? She says it happened because she’s Jewish, but common sense tells you it’s because she called a newly elected Congresswoman, who is Muslim, “anti-Jewish.”

Seeing as how Loomer is anti-Muslim, there’s a little hypocrisy in her campaign, no? You really have to hate yourself to throw this much hatred toward a group of people with whom you never interact.

3. Here Comes Cowboys

Lee Roy Jordan remains our all-time favorite Cowboy linebacker, but these two are going to give him a run.

A wonderful complement to last night’s Saints-Cowboys game was the concurrent airing of North Dallas Forty on some cable channel called AXS. Looking back on it, we think that head coach of the North Dallas Bulls, B.A. Strother, was the original analytics Nazi.

Strother, the first tendencies-addled coach

Anyhoo, the Cowboys beat arguably the top team in the NFS, the Saints, 13-10, and with four straight wins, they’re suddenly fun again. Not quite America’s team again, but fun again. They’re now 7-5 and atop the NFC East. Puppy linebackers Leighton Vander Esch and Jaylon Smith are leading the way.

4. It’s Real, And It’s Spectacular

It matters not the latitude, we here at the MH editorial board are constantly blown away by how close the parts of Earth virtually untouched by man resemble man’s idea of paradise. If you don’t believe us, go visit northern Scotland or Fiji.

This here is Masoala National Park in Madagascar, the last untouched-by-man rainforest on that large island off the east coast of Africa. Not bad, eh? Here’s a CNN story on the remote locale few of us will ever visit (shame). Anyway, we’ve said it before, but Rust Cohle had it right: mass extinction of the human species would really be the most philanthropic thing ever done, in terms of helping this planet. We’re the only species that truly detracts from its welfare.

5. Tuohy Goes For Two

There’s no more false promise than “America’s Next Great Female Running Phenom.” Trust us: We’ve profiled Mary Cain and Allie Ostrander (the latter of whom has fared better post-high school). Last February we took the subway up to the U.S. Armory to watch the next phenom, Katelyn Tuohy, who had smashed the 2.5-mile course record at Van Cortland Park by 32 seconds and had just broken the prep 5,000 mark by 18 seconds (those are incredible margins, by the way), compete in the high school mile at the Millrose Games.

She finished fourth.

Tomorrow, though, is the Nike National High School Cross Country Championships, to be staged in Portland, Oregon. Touhy, a junior at North Rockland (N.Y.) High School, is the defending champ.

Who knows what will happen to her when her body changes from girl to woman? As of now, though, Tuohy owns national high school records for the fastest outdoor mile, the fastest 3,200 meters and the fastest 5,000, often having broken Cain’s records (the two are four years apart and age and grew up about 25 miles away from one another).

 

Music 101

We’re All Alone

In the mold of Melissa Manchester and Carly Simon, Rita Coolidge belongs in the pantheon of sultry ’70s chanteuses with Clairol-ready manes. This single went to No. 7 in 1977 and No. 1 on the Adult Contemporary charts, but it was actually written by gifted syrupy songmaker Boz Scaggs (“Love, Look What You’ve Done To Me”) who also recorded it but as a B-side to a mini-LP. Rita’s version is better.

Remote Patrol

Football Football Football

SATURDAY

Big 12 Championship: Oklahoma-Texas

Noon ABC

SEC Championship: Alabama-Georgia

4 p.m. CBS

Big Ten Championship: Northwestern-Ohio State

8 p.m. Fox

ACC Championship: Clemson-Pitt

8 p.m. ABC

These four games will determine the final three slots in the college football playoff as well as, likely, the Red Grange Award winner (and perhaps the Heisman, too, who knows?). Is there an upset to be found here? Um, no. And we’ll probably regret typing that, but we don’t see one. So, OU, Bama, Ohio State and Clemson and then it’s just a beauty contest between the Sooners and Buckeyes.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Lightning Round Edition: We’ve got a choo choo train to catch

Starting Five

Is Craig To Blame?

We’re beginning to get a more panoramic view of what took place following 74-72 Saturday night. Texas A&M assistant coach Dameyune Craig (you may remember him as an Auburn QB) rushes across the field to talk sh*t and maybe more after the Aggies win. Why? Because LSU fired him last year.

And there’s Cole Fisher who appears to step in as a mediator. And let’s assume that perhaps Steve Kragthopre wanders in to the kill zone, meaning no harm, but Fisher sees the purple gear and pushes—not punches—him away. And he has no idea Cragthorpe has Parkinson’s. And that’s when Kevin Faulk steps in and the infamous photo is snapped.

Bottom line: It seems as if Craig instigated all of this.

2. Clip Clap

While ESPN has been doing vinyasa flow postures in an effort to bring every possible Los Angeles Lakers (11-9) angle to you this season, the Staples Center’s other tenant, the Los Angeles Clippers, have quietly moved to the very top of the pack in the Western Conference. Yes, even above the Warriors.

The Clippers (14-6) traded away or lost its most prominent TV pitchmen (Blake Griffin, CP3, and DeAndre Jordan) and have won 8 of 9. Leading scorer: Tobias Harris.

No egos. No drama. Beautiful thing.

3. You Can’t Go Brohm Again

Purdue coach Jeff Brohm, a native of Louisville and a graduate of Louisville, where he was the starting QB, decides to remain in West Lafayette with the Boilermakers. There are dumber things people have done than decide to remain with a team that has Rondale Moore for two more seasons.

4. Les Moonves, Pond Scum

James Stewart of The New York Times with a tale of extortion and lechery from the top guy at CBS.

5. Adios, Torreyes

The New York Yankees trade 5’7″ utility player Ronald Torreyes, who was like the most popular amigo in the clubhouse and also epitomized Wee Willie Keeler‘s “Hit ’em where they ain’t” credo. Our feeling is that Torreyes simply did not strike out enough to be considered “a true Yankee.”

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

 

Starting Five

Knickers: Big If True

Who has time to worry about gene-edited babies with Knickers the steer roaming the prairies of western Australia? His owner, Geoff Pearson, says that Knickers is 6’4″, 3,000 pounds and is a Holstein Friesian. He’s also too large for the processor but why would you ever turn Knickers over to the  butcher? Geoff, Geoff: start charging tourists a fee to see him. That’s how we do it here in the States.

Holy Cow! We look at Knickers and we’re reminded of what Crocodile Dundee said about knives. “You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!”

2 Hang On Glider


Hang gliding in Switzerland, and the instructor failed to harness in his American passenger before they embarked on the flight. Or maybe he just realized it was an American. Either way, crazy. Keep your eyes on the passenger’s right hand.

3. Bad, Bad Man

This is Samuel Little (current photo below), who is 78 and incarcerated in Texas. Recently Little has confessed to authorities that he killed upwards of 90 people in a number of states, which may make him the nation’s most prolific serial killer this side of Marlboro Lights.

Little supplied a chilling answer to one official who wondered aloud how he had gotten away with so many hideous crimes for so long:

“I can go into my world and do what I want to do,” Mr. Little said, according to Sergeant Mongeluzzo, describing neighborhoods around the nation where poverty, drug addiction and unsolved murders are common. “I won’t go into your world.”

4. Haley Stays Home

The nation’s top-ranked women’s basketball recruit is headed east for college. Just not that far east. Haley Jones, a 6’1″ wing from Santa Cruz, California, is headed 40 or so miles east to Stanford. She was courted by UConn and Notre Dame, among others.

While heading all the way back east sure worked wonders for another Californian (Diana Taurasi) once, it’s hard to fault Jones for remaining close to home while attending the top academic institution west of Chicago. Also, there’s the weather. And, hey, UConn hasn’t won a national championship since 2016!

5. Chairman of the Board

From The New York Times…

After three weeks, 12 straight draws and a day of tiebreakers, Norway’s Magnus Carlsen finally retained the world chess championship in London on Wednesday with a victory against Fabiano Caruana, his American challenger.

Reading on, we learn that officials got tired of this deal going nowhere to they basically pivoted to speed chess: Carlson and Caruana were given only 25 minutes to make a move. I’ll stop complaining about the video reviews in college football games now.

Music 101

Sweet Thing

Tomorrow marks the 50th anniversary of Van Morrison‘s Astral Weeks,—so why don’t you feature this tomorrow, MH??? Because we’re not smart and we’re also forgetful and just shut up okay geez!—which is the cool kids’ favorite VM studio album though we prefer Moondance.

Remote Patrol

The Outlaw 

8 p.m. TCM

Russell: Hay now!

A cornball Western, released in 1943, but starring a young, buxom Jane Russell. Westerns weren’t sexy before this one. Russell, whom people my age recognize from our youths as the middle-aged woman doing bra commercials on TV and touting herself as “a full-figured gal,” is at one vertex of a love triangle also featuring Doc Holliday and Billy the Kid.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


A natural occurrence that is also a depiction of the Trump presidency as soon as the Mueller report is released.

Starting Five

1. Liar, Liar

If you have children, boys or girls, you are doing them a disservice if you do not, some time after their fifth birthday party but before they move out of the house, sit them down to watch both The Godfather and The Godfather II. Life lessons abound (you should also teach them to play chess and poker; just a suggestion).

Anyway, the latest news about Paul Manafort continuously lying to special prosecutor Robert Mueller reminds us of the Frank Pentangeli situation in The Godfather II. There Pentangeli sits in jail. He knows he’s dead if he ever steps outside, if he cooperates with the Congressional subcommittee. And he knows that maybe his family is in some danger if he talks. There’s really nothing left to do but throw a small party, step into a hot bath, and slit your wrists.

Manafort, after taking the plea deal, continued to lie. Numerous times. Mueller likely has so much info that Manafort never realized that it was easy to catch him in those lies. Manafort can’t walk because the Russians will take care of him if he talks. So he’ll return to jail for life and maybe just pull a Pentangeli.

Or maybe Trump will pardon him. And the country will spiral even further downward.

And yes, if you’re paying attention this morning, the latest report is of a secret meeting in the Ecuadorian embassy in London in 2016 between Manafort and Julian Assange. No collusion?

2. Oh Man, Look At Those Cavemen Go!

Yesterday NASA successfully landed its InSight robot on the surface of Mars (and Russia is already working hard to refute this) to study whether or not the fourth planet will be able to sustain Elon Musk.

This is the eighth landing of a probe on Mars. InSight will immediately begin mining for Bitcoin to see whether cryptocurrency may be more sustainable on the fourth planet out from the sun.

3. O(S)U

Let’s weigh in on the upcoming weekend of college football, in which No. 1 Alabama will face No. 4 Georgia at roughly 4 p.m.  (SEC title game), preceded by presumably No. 5 Oklahoma versus Texas (Big 12 Title game) at noon and followed by presumably No. 6 Ohio State versus (stifled chuckle) Northwestern in the Big Ten Championship contest.

Let’s presume Alabama wins. Georgia should present the Tide with its stiffest test yet, but the team to come within 20 points of Bama has yet to appear this season. The Dawgs will present the most difficult matchup, but for the sake of argument let’s says Alabama prevails, likely knocking the How ’bout Thems from the playoff daguerrotype.

So…the Sooners play the Longhorns from Arlington in a game that kicks off at 11 a.m. local time. Kyler Murray and Hollywood Brown and the boys not only must win, but they’re going to set the bar. How much can they win by?

Because, at 8 p.m., Ohio State is going to run all over Northwestern. This is shaping up to resemble that 59-0 wipeout of Wisconsin back in 2014 when a lot of pundits, entering the day, did not believe one-loss Ohio State belonged in the playoff conversation and then they waxed Wiscy and went on to win the national championship.

OU may very well win by three touchdowns versus Texas, but it’s as if they’re having to go first in a three-point shooting contest. They’ll put up a number and our bet is that, at least in terms of margin of victory, OSU will double that number. You wanna win 49-28, OU? Great. OSU’s gonna win 49-7.

If Michigan went on a 10-game Revenge Tour, then Ohio State is in the second leg of their How Urban Got His Groove Back Tour, and our thought is that the committee will be more impressed by them.

Even without arguably the best player in college football, defensive end Nick Bosa, the Buckeyes will be a handful

We get it: OU and OSU will both be 12-1, the Buckeyes will have the far worse comparable loss, OU has been ranked ahead of them most of the season, yada yada yada. But the SelCom has eyes. They saw what the Buckeyes did to No. 4 Michigan in the ‘shoe on Saturday and it’ll likely be a more complete win this Saturday. And here’s what they’ll say (and they’ll be right): Ohio State has a much higher ceiling, when playing their best, than Oklahoma does. If the two teams were to play right now (we know OU beat them last year),  the Buckeyes would be favored.

The misfire that will send Ohio State to the playoff

Fair? Who decides what’s fair here—they each have one loss. We just think OU’s a highly entertaining team with a porous defense while OSU, when playing their best, can beat anyone with the exception of Alabama.

The Sooners will win. The Buckeyes will blow the doors off Northwestern, maybe the fourth-best Big Ten team. Recency Bias is real. We’ve seen this movie before, four years ago. The Buckeyes get the fourth spot.

And yes, if only Maryland QB Tyrrell Pigrome had thrown an accurate 2-point conversion pass, the Sooners would be in.

4.  Holiday Inn Expression

It was Sunday evening and we’d just finished our weekly chore for The Athletic. Time for a movie, to decompress, and Holiday Inn was on the TCM. We’d never seen it. Why not watch? (And if you’re wondering, the film was released in 1942 and the motel chain began 10 years later; they took the name from this film).

It’s a Christmas movie, a jaunty musical starring Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby. La la la….And then THIS scene happened, and we wuz all woke and stuff. It’s intrinsic to the plot: Crosby is trying to hide his co-star, played by Marjorie Reynolds, from Astaire, who has come to see that night’s performance in search of her. So he decides to do the entire act, for all of the performers, in black face.

Same dude, same film. Singing “White Christmas”, which would win Best Song at the Oscars, with Marjorie Reynolds

Again, it was 1942. You could never get away with this now. And we don’t think anyone should try to tear down this statue. If you want to call it racist, we’re not here to disabuse you of that feeling. Taking offense is a relative matter. It’s, in our minds, more evolved to appreciate that times change and in 1942 this was not considered racist. Certainly a star of the magnitude of Bing Crosby would not risk his stature by doing something he considered racist.

It’s where this country was at this time, that one of its most beloved stars could do an entire scene in blackface and no one cared. Of course, at the time Americans had bigger problems on their minds (the Japs and Jerrys). Meanwhile, if this film airs again, it has one of the best dance numbers you’ll ever seen and it has Bing singing “White Christmas.” It’s a classic.

5. The Tragedy of Johnny Bright


We’re thrilled to see Brooks Melchior, alias @SportsByBrooks, return to Twitter, after an absence of five years. It appears he must’ve been on that same flight from NBC’s “Manifest.”

Anyway, judging from his tweets he has disappeared deep into the archives of college football dating all the way back to November 6, 1869 (Reminder: next year is the sesquicentennial of college football), with an emphasis on the criminally underexposed role of the African-American in the game.

The above photos tell the story of Drake quarterback Johnny Bright, who on October 20, 1951, had his jaw broken on this play by Oklahoma A&M defensive tackle Wilbanks Smith. Bright came into the game leading the nation in total offense, but a prominent black player had never taken the field in Stillwater. This was the third, and worst, cheap shot of the game Bright absorbed.

A few plays later Bright tossed a 61-yard TD pass, but A&M (now State) would win the game. Bright went on to a career in the CFL and is now in the CFL Hall of Fame. We never knew about this before yesterday.

Thanks, Brooks.

Music 101

Breed

The fourth song from Nirvana‘s earth-shaking 1991 album, Nevermind, is “Breed.” If the lifeblood of rock and roll is youthful angst and energy, then no one ever pumped more blood into its music than Nirvana did. No one. As we’ve mentioned here before, we were lucky enough to see the band on this tour, standing on the side of the stage. So the next time you hear us complain about anything, please slap us around.

Remote Patrol

Making a Murderer, Season 2

Netflix

We devoured the original installment voraciously, watched nearly the entire 10 episodes in two nights. A friend suggested we check out Season 2, in which famed Chicago attorney Kathleen Zellner, who has gotten 17 prior convictions overturned, agrees to take on Steven Avery’s case.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

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That’s one way to defend this play.

 

Starting Five

In their defense, this is far more orderly than Black Friday outside the local Best Buy

1. Make A Run For The Border

Oh, sure, when it was nothing more than a Taco Bell tagline, you thought it was cute and clever. Now migrants are storming the gates and border patrol are showering them with tear gas and pelting them with rubber bullets and suddenly it’s a thing. Maybe it’s just all guerrilla marketing for the release of Roma next month. We dunno.

We don’t pretend to have a solution, but we’ll fall back on our “So Crazy It Just May Work” idea of invading Mexico. This comes directly from the “Don’t Raise The Bridge, Lower The River” school of thought. Got a problem with folks crossing the border? Then move the border. If Mexico complains, dare them to come at us and/or tell them, “Then you take care of it before it gets to our fence.”

Install a few In-N-Out Burgers and Texas Roadhouse outlets along the way, maybe a Holiday Inn Express, and problem solved. We’ve been to Mexico. It has sun and beautiful weather. It’s just that there’s no place to stop after four hours in the car to get a decent meal or a place to stay. Fix that, problem solved.

2. Renege Tour

Saturday morning in Columbus: Michigan players clad in “Revenge Tour” gear, Wolverine alum Desmond Howard failing to understand why his Maize and Blue were ranked behind the Fighting Irish (perhaps because Notre Dame had beaten them, had a better record, and had played a more difficult schedule), and much ado about That Team Up North having the nastiest defense in all the land.

Saturday, 4 p.m.: Michigan walks off the field having just allowed 62 points, the most points ever scored against them in a non-overtime contest, and this from a program that has been around since 1879.

No, you shut up.

3. Climate Change ———>>>>>> Primate Change

More bad news! It is 2018, after all.

In what surviving historians will record from another planet in future centuries as a telling maneuver, the U.S. government released a most dire report about climate change on the Friday after Thanksgiving, hoping the fewest possible people would read it. The information in the report is backed by 13 federal agencies and guarantees that extreme heat is outnumbering extreme cold three days to one, that coastal cities are in peril due to rising seas, and that the Knicks will continue to suck at least until Manhattan is under water.

Basically, we’re headed directly into a Jake Gyllenhaal film in which either Morgan Freeman or Bill Pullman is the president. You gotta laugh so you don’t cry. The only thought that comforts us is that we, homo sapiens, will go extinct far before our planet dies. It’ll just lie dormant for a few millennia and then a few cockroaches will mutate and the entire process will start over again. That’s life/That’s what people say/You’re flying high in April/Then you’re staring down Doomsday…

4. Killing Jesus

They killed off Jesus on The Walking Dead last night. No, not our Lord Savior but rather the Last Suppery-looking dude who introduced Rick and the gang to the Saviors a few seasons back.

Now, before you hit us with, “You’re still watching The Walking Dead?”, it was literally the first episode we’ve sat down for in more than a year, and the payoff was worth it. Seems there’s a new gang, The Whisperers, who hide out dressed as zombies (masks and all) and intermingle with them. One of them was able to get close to Jesus during a melee and suddenly flashed moves with a sword no one had ever seen.

The added value to the viewer: now we all know how they put those zombie masks on (they’re laced up at the back of your head).

5. The Battle of 74-72

There’s just so much going on in this photo: that’s former NFL running back and current LSU director of player personnel Kevin Faulk taking on Jimbo Fisher’s nephew, Cole Fisher.

The wackiest college football game of the season, one that went 7 overtimes (tied for the longest in FBS history) and featured 146 points (THE MOST in FBS history) took place between LSU and Texas A&M in College Station. Besides the above, it featured:

–a game-clinching interception that was overturned because quarterback Kellen Mond’s knee appeared to brush the turf after the snap, meaning he was down.

–a game-tying TD pass on a play that began with :01 remaining (some thought that final tick was a gift to the home team).

–a fourth-OT targeting call.

–the unforeseen brilliance of A&M wideout Kendrick Rogers (three TD or 2-point conversion catches in OT, his only three grabs of the game, including the game-ending catch).

–Coach O windsprints

–A ref signaling unsportsmanlike conduct by tossing his hat, because he’d already tossed his flag to signal PI.

–A post-game brawl in involving A&M coach Jimbo Fisher’s nephew and LSU assistant Steve Kragthorpe, who suffers from Parkinson’s and was literally struck in his pacemaker.

Are you not entertained?

Music 101

Rocky Raccoon

Last Thursday marked the 50th anniversary of the release of The Beatles, better known as “The White Album.” Among the manifold oddities of this double album are these: there are no graphics or text on it other than the band’s name embossed on the cover, as this was a deliberate display of contrast from their previous studio album, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band; the album was released five years to the day after the JFK assassination while including a song titled “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” (you’d pay for that one, John); and there were no singles from this 30-song effort, although during the same sessions the band recorded a song titled “Hey Jude” and released it as a single (“Hey Jude,” which many people consider at worst a Top 5 Beatles track, was never released on an original studio album); there’s actually a song on this album titled “Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey,” which offers definitive proof that the band was doing mind-altering drugs.

Warning: Avoid people who tell you they hate the Beatles or that they are overrated; they’re the anti-vaxxers of music.

Remote Patrol

Elf 

9 p.m. AMC

We’ve never seen this. People seem to love it. If we’re not out at da club, maybe we’ll tune in.

CHRIS PICKS! WEEK 12

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by Chris Corbellini

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

This….


…followed by this:

(Thanks to Evan Solon for this).

Starting Five

No Man Is An Island

To wake up on Thanksgiving to learn that an American attempted to come ashore in a strange land and bring Christianity to the land’s indigenous people, only to be shot dead by arrows on the beach, well, how’s that for irony?

John Allen Chau was a young American missionary who was determined to bring the gospel to the tribespeople of remote North Sentinel Island, which rests in the Bay of Bengal betwixt Thailand and India. Even officials never bother this primitive tribe of it is guessed about 250 peopl, who have resisted the outside world for thousands of years. We hope they are able to continue to do so.

To each their own.

2. Big In Japan (and Spokane)

Before No. 3 Gonzaga met No. 1 Duke in the final of the Maui Invitational Wednesday (tip off, 11 a.m. local), the Blue Devils’ Zion Williamson was by far the most hyped player in college hoops. Jay Bilas said that Zion’s fellow frosh teammate, R.J. Barrett, was the best player on Duke’s team.

But then the game began and the Zags jumped to a 16-point lead before holding on to win, 89-87, and it was obvious that their 6’8″ forward, Rui Hachimura of Japan, was the game’s most skilled player. The hoops ninja had team highs in points (20) and rebounds (7) in leading Gonzaga (6-0) to the upset victory.

Speaking on NBA Countdown immediately after the game, Paul Pierce said, “Hachimura’s at top five pick in next year’s draft…I hadn’t seen him play before today, or heard of him.” You can’t get much more ESPN than that.

3.  Bear Market

As the stock market plunges, favoring the bears, the Bears of Chicago are also enjoying a renaissance. Remember the season-opener in Lambeau when Chicago choked on a 20-3 fourth-quarter lead and lost 24-23 to the Packers? Since then, including yesterday’s Turkey Trot in Detroit, Da Bears are 8-2: a 3-point loss at Miami and a 7-point defeat at Soldier Field to the Pats.

Not unlike Jon Snow, they are the king of the (NFC) North and, with the addition of Khalil Mack, also have the stingiest defense in the NFC.

4. The Daily Kerfuffle: Dolce & Gabbana

Some in China have gotten their kimonos in a bunch over this Dolce & Gabbbana ad, which is actually clever. It shows Chinese people attempting to eat Italian food with chopsticks, and since D&G is an Italian company, the metaphor is apt. It’s not racism to point out cultural or ethnic differences. It’s racism to discriminate because of them. Geez. How does one say, “Lighten up” in Mandarin? In Szechuan?

5. We’ve Seen Stranger Things

In Bournemouth, England, an Upside Down House is a tourist attraction. Not sure why the world needs one of these, but then again not sure why the world needs xylophones, either. In other words, as long as someone finds it entertaining.

It appears the main appeal of the Upside Down House is that you can walk inside, where all of the furniture is also upside down, and post photos such as the one above to Instagram.

Reserves

We were watching The Kominsky Method (highly recommend) on Netflix. In the final episode Norman (Alan Arkin) tells this hilarious anecdote about drummer Buddy Rich, whom we know little (i.e. nothing) about. So we searched a little and found this incredible clip from The Mike Douglas Show. Notice: In the first segment, when asked to talk about himself, Rich is flippant and smart-alecky. Then his drumming, which we’re not experts on the art, but seems mighty skilled to us. THEN, finally, the second segment where Rich goes off unabashedly on country music. Imagine this happening today in the world of viral video. Remember, kids, back then you might say it but unless anyone watched it when it aired, it would never have the same viral effect simply from a newspaper running a story about it.

If you want to skip directly to Buddy dissing country music, go to 9:45.

One more thing to notice here, from the Sexist Seventies: Barbara Feldon injects an insightful and non-controversial thought (she’s being the polite lady at the dinner party), and she’s pretty much ignored.

Music 101

I Can’t Explain

The Who were the original Mods. This song was written in 1964 by an 18 year-old Pete Townshend, who locked himself in his room and listened to albums by Bob Dylan, The Kinks and John Lee Hooker among others after he was told his fledgling band needed some original tunes. This was the band’s first singles and Townshend himself says he was mostly channeling The Kinks’ “You Really Got Me” with it.

Remote Patrol

No. 6 Oklahoma at No. 13 West Virginia

8 p.m. ABC

No. 16 Washington at No. 8 Washington State

8:30 p.m. Fox

Do any of these four schools have a chance of cracking the Top 4? Yes, remotely, but the offenses of all but U-Dub are so much fun to watch that it really doesn’t matter much? The Huskies have won eight of the past nine Apple Cups, but if Washington State wants to retain any chance of achieving something greater than the Rose Bowl (not small potatoes, we know) this season, the Minshew Mustache must prevail.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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To be fair, this could be any Tuesday night in Los Angeles. 

Starting Five

1. America Worst!

Donald Trump, after weeks of hoping that there was a vaguely passable way to exonerate MBS in the murder of Washington Post contributor Jamal Khashoggi, finally throws up his hands and employs the old “But we need the eggs” excuse. In a 633-word statement, he basically asks, “So what?” and also defies the CIA’s conclusion with, “Maybe he did—maybe he didn’t!”

We really don’t, as only 11% of United States oil consumption emanates from Saudi Arabia.

But that’s not really the point, now is it? Trump, using Trumpian values as opposed to American values, is arguing that as long as it makes you richer, who cares what laws of nature or ethics one must violate? Moreover, our guess is that is whatever is transpiring behind the scenes is not enriching the U.S.A. anywhere near as much as it is enriching Trump, which may explain why he keeps using wildly inflated numbers to discuss the weapons sales we are making with them (and what’s smarter than making weapons sales to cold-blooded killers?).

Meanwhile, The New York Times already made a compelling argument last week of how this murder took place.

9/11 was the wakeup call. Forget whatever revenge we wanted to exact on whoever did it (and how long it would take!), the best revenge was to pivot away from an oil-based economy, something that is entirely possible with a little ingenuity. Not only would it liberate us from having to do business with some of the world’s worst people, it would be great for the environment. But that was never going to happen because the man in the White House back then, well, his family made its fortune from oil.

And so now this is where we are. Saying, “So what?” when an American resident is choked, dismembered and dissolved in acid under orders of a Saudi prince.

2. Yo Adrian

After 21 seasons and 3,166 hits, Adrian Beltre called it quits yesterday. The idiosyncratic superstar who spend more than two decades under the radar. Four teams, four All-Star seasons, five Gold Gloves, 477 career home runs, one season leading the league in HRs (48) and another one leading it in hits (199).

There’s some great GIFs on @CespedesBBQ that illustrate that Beltre was a little toys in the attic. Here are our two favorite. The first is when an ump told him to return to the on-deck circle because he was standing too close to the plate, so he simply moved the on-deck circle (the ump tossed him):


The second pertained to the fact that his Ranger teammates, particularly Elvis Andrus, loved to touch the top of his head because they knew it annoyed him:


Beltre was never a household name outside of baseball households, or maybe even Texas baseball households. But it’s a Hall of Fame career, no doubt. The dude is 16th on baseball’s all-time hits list and 30th on its all-time home runs list.

3. The Fall of The Romaine Empire*

*The judges will also accept “Leaf It Be” or “The Iceberg Cometh” or “Salad Daze.”

Suddenly Romaine lettuce is no longer safe to eat? The CDC reports that 32 people in 11 states have gotten sick from a strain of E. Coli in the past few weeks and while no one has died, they are urging folks not to eat it and restaurants not to sell it. Of course, if you believe that everything you read is Fake News, then go right ahead and chomp away.

4. Muck of the Irish

Last week, on Twitter, we suggested that for this week of College GameDay, they should simply run a segment of all the times this season the boys on the desk picked against the Irish (at least one panelist, and sometimes as many as three, picked agains them for Michigan, Stanford and Virginia Tech games, and also stated that the Syracuse game would be tight).

That’s when someone named Derek Muller, whom we don’t know, sent us the above YouTube video along with a note that read, “I did a thing for the first time inspired by your tweet.”

5. Stanford Standouts

Tami Alade leads the nation in blocks per set

It’s been a forgettable football fall on The Farm in Palo Alto, but the women of Stanford University have been crushing it. The Cardinal women’s soccer team is 20-0-2 heading into the College Cup while the women’s volleyball team is 26-1, its lone defeat a 5-setter at Brigham Young back in August.

Both squads are ranked No. 1 in the nation.

Music 101

Lady Marmalade

The song in which Patti LaBelle taught Americans a French phrase. The song roared to No. 1 for one week in 1974, but it has had a much more auspicious shelf life than its original reception would have suggested. And in case you were wondering:

Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)
Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (Here)
Mocha Chocalata ya ya (Oh yea)
Creole lady Marmalade

Remote Patrol

Duke vs. Gonzaga

5 p.m. ESPN

Zion is a lion

Top-ranked Duke already waxed No. 2 Kentucky—by 34—in its season-opener. Now K’s Kids take on the No. 3 Zags, whose coach, Mark Few, has never beaten the Blue Devils, in the final of the Maui Invitational. To quote Jay Bilas last night: “Zion Williamson is a phenomenon, but he’s not the best player on his own team—R.J. Barrett is, and he’ll be the No. 1 pick in the draft.”

Note: We

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

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Starting Five

The only blight on this contest was the Ram uniforms

54-51

With Rams 54, Chiefs 51, in a game between the NFL’s top two teams, the league officially joined the Big 12 last night:

–The highest-scoring Monday Night Football game in NFL history.

–The first game ever in which both teams eclipsed 50 points.

–10 passing TDs, 6 by Pat Mahomes (who also threw a pick-six)

–Each quarterback threw for more than 400 yards.

–Oddly enough, Todd Gurley’s 13-game streak of at least one touchdown per game ended.

It was the first Monday Night game in the Los Angeles Coliseum in 33 years. Don’t wait so long for the next one.

Chicago Fire

Four dead in Chicago after a mass shooting at Mercy Hospital. A 38 year-old ER doctor, Tamara O’Neal, was the target of the gunmen’s wrath. She had recently broken off an engagement. It appears he shot her in the parking lot and then ran into the hospital as he was exchanging gunfire with police who responded to the call.

A 25 year-old pharmacy resident, Dayna Less, apparently was struck by stray fire. A policeman, Samuel Jimenez, was also fatally wounded. What a mess.

Stay tuned for the president’s praise of the HEROES who prevented it from becoming a greater tragedy (this most likely was not a mass shooter-style incident, but rather a domestic violence incident).

3. All The Small Things*

*The judges will not accept “In the Blink of an ‘i'”

It’s moments such as this when the internet and Twitter are fun.

It began when James Corden, host of The Late Late Show and a Brit, said that across the pond Blink-182 is pronounced “Blink One-Eight-Two.” And that got the ball rolling…


Then Cordon replied…


At this point Tom DeLonge, the band’s original vocalist and guitarist, entered the fray…


And from here we were watching and waiting, an-ti-ci-pa-ting…..


What’s my age again? What’s my age again?

4. Lanka Her Up 

News from Washington, D.C.: Ivanka Trump, alias “First Daughter,” alias “Secretary of Handbaggery,” alias “The One That Got Away” (in dad’s opinion), has apparently been using a private email server to conduct government business. This almost automatically erases her chances to win the 2016 presidential election.

5. The DOWN Jones Industrial

Catch me I’m falling! Whoa, what a stinker of a week for the stock market. As we type this the Dow has already fallen nearly 600 points this morning. Let’s hang on/To what we got/Don’t let go, girl/We’ve got a lot/Got a lot of stocks between us…

We reminisce to last year at Thanksgiving, when Bitcoin was soaring and Walker Capital was raking in the cash (and obviously, using those rakes on cash instead of forest floors, where we should have been using them, proved catastrophic). All’s we can say is that if you haven’t sold or shorted already, you may as well hang on for the ride. At some point this beast must resurface for air.

In the meantime, here’s where Bitcoin Investment Trust (GBTC) was last December 18

$38

and here’s where it is today….

$5.

So there’s that.*

*We got out long ago

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


Not a Schitt’s Creek fan, I see.  Whitaker works directly for the president, while Mueller works directly for the Attorney General, which is why the former needs Senate approval and the latter does not. We covered this in Civics class last week, Donald. Where were you?

Starting Five

The President walks with the ex-husband of his oldest son’s girlfriend

1. Rake America Great Again*

*The judges will also accept “Forest Gumption”

Drain the swamp.

Sweep the forest.

What an idiot.

You can’t just pave Paradise and put up a parking lot.

2.  Condi Nasty!

Yesterday Adam Schefter reported that the Cleveland Browns want to interview former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for their head coaching job. Granted, literally anyone would not do worse than Cleveland’s 0-16 season a year ago, but if you’re going for former Secretaries of State, hell, Henry Kissinger is still living.

We look forward to the Dawg Pound being re-christened the Rice Paddy.

3. Carnage in Macau

Sophia Florsch, 17, was traveling roughly 171 m.p.h. at this Formula 3 race in Macau when she hit the back of another driver’s vehicle and somehow catapulted like a rocker over the wall and above the people clad in orange below. Remarkably, nobody died and Florsch, while suffering a few broken vertebrae, will not be paralyzed.


and

4. The Old Man And The Pee

Now playing on Netflix, an eight-episode series, The Kominsky Method, starring Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin. They’re a pair of Hollywood best friends. Sandy Kominsky (Douglas) is a well-regarded acting coach who never quite made it big in film or TV and Norman Newlander (Arkin) is a very succcessful agent.

Created by Chuck Lorre (Two and A Half Men, The Big Bang Theory), it’s very, very good but just shy of great. Arkin, unsurprisingly, is a treasure and the best part of the show. Lisa Edelstein is criminally under-utilized. Douglas pokes a lot of fun at himself. There’s a little too much about peeing and prostates and not enough of Kominsky in his acting class, which is a fertile ground to plumb. They should’ve done more of that. But the banter between Arkin, 84, and Douglas, 74, is terrific. Worth it for that alone.

5. Frozen Force*

*The judges will also accept “The Frigids of Madison Cross Country”

The NCAA Cross Country Championships were held in frigid Madison, Wisconsin, on Saturday around high noon. Snow on the ground, temps in the low thirties. Not great, Bob. But Dani Jones (55, above), a native of Phoenix, won the women’s race while leading Colorado to the women’s team championship.

On the men’s side, Northern Arizona pulled off a historic team three-peat while Wisconsin’s Morgan McDonald won the individual title on his home course.

Music 101

My Doorbell

The White Stripes are THE rock and roll band of this century. Or, were.

Remote Patrol

Chiefs at Rams

8 p.m. ESPN

Football’s two best teams, both 9-1, meet not in Mexico City but in a Mexican-named city: Los Angeles. We know, Spanish-named, don’t @ us.