IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Lollapaloser

If your local Home Depot or Ford dealership seemed somewhat vacant Saturday, here’s why: thousands of C U Last Tuesday (i.e. C.U.L.T. 45) denizens showed up in our nation’s capital to protest the results of the November 3rd election.

If you hadn’t heard, Joe Biden won with 306 electoral votes to Donald Trump’s 232. When Trump won by the same number of electoral votes in 2016, he referred to it as a “massive landslide.” Of course, in both 2016 and 2020, Trump received far fewer actual (popular) votes.

With an era that has seen a surfeit of symbolic moments, Saturday provided another one. The march was interfered with by an elderly white man in the back of a limousine who wanted to cut through the protesters so that he could play golf. That man? Donald Trump.

Welcome to TrumpWorld.

True Detective foresaw this years ago.

Fail! Fail! To Michigan

Playing in Ann Arbor against a Wisconsin team that had not played in three weeks and had literally had its program shut down for 10 days in the interregnum due to COVID-19, Michigan got walloped on a rainy Saturday night on national television, 49-11.

Ouch.

Less than 13 months ago, on a rainier night in Ann Arbor against No. 8 Notre Dame, the Wolverines pasted the Irish 45-14. In the interim Notre Dame has gone 14-0 while Michigan is 4-5. The Wolverines are 1-6 in their past six games and are the only team in FBS not to have won as an underdog in the past five years. The only one.

As natural a fit as Jim Harbaugh seemed six years ago, his tenure has devolved into an unmitigated failure. The Wolverines have not beaten Ohio State, are 3-3 versus Michigan State and are 6-14 versus opponents in the Top 15. What’s worse, the talent level appears to be dropping off and Michigan doesn’t bully anyone on either side of the ball. They’re not intellectual and they do not impose brutality.

Unless Harbaugh wins in Columbus on December 12, we don’t see Harbaugh remaining in Ann Arbor. There’s nothing about these Wolverines that suggest they are well-coached or enthusiastic. We did like the snippet of QB Cade McNamara we saw late in the second half, but how far can he take a squad this soft? And yes, the Victors were without defensive studs Qwity Paye and Aidan Hutchinson on Saturday night. Still…

…The Buckeyes have slapped 62 and 59 on the Wolverines the past two years, both 20-plus point wins, and we don’t see it being any prettier this season. Count us among many who thought this was a perfect marriage when it began but have seen it disintegrate beyond repair.

Hoops Headliners

Above, that’s 6’9″ Emoni Bates of Ypsilanti (Mich.) Prep. Bates, a junior, is considered the top recruit in the Class of ’22. If he attends college.

Below, that’s 7’1″ Chet Holmgren of Minnehaha (Minn.) High and also AAU team Sizzle. Holmgren is considered the top recruit of the Class of ’21.

Last Thursday, in a televised ESPN exhibition game that received little fanfare, Holmgren’s Team Sizzle out-dueled Bates’ Ypsilanti squad, 78-71. Bates outscored Holmgren, 36 to 31, but Holmgren, who has trimmed his list of schools down to seven, also grabbed 12 boards and blocked six shots. Someone get him a protein shake.

Stay In Your Lane


Ole Miss’ Lane Kiffin was once our least-favorite college football coach. Now he may be our most favorite. Look at this play from Saturday night. It’s glorious.

That clipboard soaring to the heavens? That’s Lane’s as he realizes his Rebels are about to score on a 91-yard pass play (that USC forgot to cover). The player who made the grab, Elijah Moore, also knows something about redemption. He’s the one who made the peeing gesture during the Egg Bowl last year that cost Ole Miss the footbaw game.

Vax Populi

Just one week after Pfizer says that it has a vaccine that is 90% effective (a solid “B”), Moderna announces that it has a vaccine that is 94% effective (probably a low “A”). Can’t any of these pharmaceutical companies give 110%?

Might be worth noting that Pfizer’s CEO sold nearly $6 million in PFE stock the day after the announcement lat week. And that Moderna’s executives initiated their own huge sell-off on good news months earlier. But maybe we’re just bitter because we bought a &%$-load of MRNA back in late February at $22 and sold it at the tiniest of profits.

That’s showbiz.

Meanwhile, 2,321 Americans died from COVID-19 between Friday and Sunday. That’s a lot of plane crashes, Mr. President. Though, one must agree with Dave Chappelle that the coronavirus has brought a virtual halt to mass shootings. So thank God for the small favors.

Hail Murray Pass

The Cardinals win, 32-26. Kyle Murray’s commercial with Tim Tebow just got more airplay.

By the way, that negates a terrific comeback by the Buffalo Bills that included tremendous catches by both Cole Beasley and Stefon Diggs.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Case Load

November 12: 161,541

What is it they always say? “Lead, follow, or get the f**k out of the way.

Get the f**k out of the way, Donald. Because lead or follow are not options for you.

That’s your leader. THAT’s your leader. What kind of man does this? Let’s his friends suffer while only thinking of himself?

The Combover Presidency

Has a hairstyle ever better defined a presidency? The color is fake and it’s covering up a lot of bald(-faced lies). There will always be Trump loyalists who’ll attempt to persuade Americans to see what they pretend to see: Mike Pompeo, William Barr, Peter Navarro, the Trumpkins.

But when even China and Fox News have bailed on him as well as Arizona (you’re welcome, Susie B.), it’s time to intubate this presidency: shut him up and wait for the inevitable end.

Love The Drake

Before this week I, like most of you who have never spent much time in Lincoln, Neb. (Hi, Jacob), had no idea who Leta Powell Drake was. But then this Twitter clip of her celebrity interviews was posted and, for good reason, went viral:

So here’s Vulture, who landed an interview with Drake, an 82 year-old living legend who still resides in the Cornhusker State.

You Tackle Him

This is Howard Brown. He’s a senior quarterback at Lincoln Prep Academy in Kansas City, Missouri. Brown carries three bills and change on his 6’2″ frame.

Brown has accepted a scholarship offer to Iowa State, which plans to put him at defensive tackle. Is there any good reason for him to change positions?

Heedless Horseman

You’ve probably read about how Steve Bannon, on Facebook, suggested that both Dr. Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Chris Wray be “decapitated,” and you’ve probably further heard that Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, in a staff meeting, explained to Facebook employees why Bannon’s account was not suspended:

“We have specific rules around how many times you need to violate certain policies before we will deactivate your account completely. While the offenses here, I think, came close to crossing that line, they clearly did not cross the line.”

You have to wonder how many times the Winklevi wonder why they didn’t plant Zuckerberg at the bottom of the Charles River when they had the chance.

This always rings true about Mark Zuckerberg. One of the greatest opening scenes ever written.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Kicking And Scheming

On the same day that the U.S. set a new record for coronavirus cases (142,000-plus) and 1,478 Americans died from the virus, there was a report that “Donald Trump does not seem to be interested in his work.”

Has he ever been?

In an interview with Anderson Cooper of CNN, the NYT’s Maggie Haberman, who would rent space in Trump’s soul if he had one, noted that the president doesn’t really have a grand strategy to defeat Joe Biden (problem 1 being that Biden just defeated him), but that he’s willing to keep pushing the envelope, i.e., keep grabbing America by the pussy, to see just how far he can go. When you’re famous, after all, people let you get away with it.

Truly, I’m flummoxed that anyone with a brain is taken in by him. And yet so many are.

A Trump campaign advisor said, ” ‘Concede’ is not in our vocabulary.” Neither are grace, humility, honesty or integrity. But we already knew that. Trump will eventually back down but he’ll act as if he were robbed (he loves playing the aggrieved billionaire and, again, dumbasses buy it) and attempt to make a comeback in 2024. We’re thinking the obesity and the virus and the high blood pressure will do him in by them. We can hope.

The Upside Down

So there it was, Veterans Day, and certainly countless Americans were thinking of their fathers, their uncles, their grandfathers who had fought in World War II. Who had sacrificed their lives or at least put them on the line in order to fight Germany, to fight fascism.

And here we are, 75 or so years later, and the leader of Germany, currently the world’s most stable and economically viable democracy (you read that right), is reaching across the Atlantic to help rescue America from fascism.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.

80 From ’80

If only Peter Gabriel had saved “Games Without Frontiers” and “Biko” for his former band, Genesis’ Duke album of the same year would be an all-time classic.

Rolling Stone has compiled a list of “The 80 Greatest Albums From 1980” while making the claim that there may have never been a single better year in terms of worthy albums. As someone who was in his 8th grade/freshman year at the time and experiencing my first real crush with pop and rock music, I cannot disagree. As I went through the list, here are just a few of the songs that stick with me to this day:

“Kiss On My List,” (I’m not kidding), “Against The Wind,” “Turn It On Again,”
“Games Without Frontiers,” “Oh Yeah”, “Pulling Mussels,” “The Spirit of Radio,” “Girl U Want,” “She’s So Cold,” “Crazy Train,” “I Will Follow,” “Private Idaho,” “Brass In Pocket,” “You Shook Me All Night Long,” “Once In A Lifetime” and “Death or Glory.”

If I had to pick a Top 3 that was representative of what my Brophy classmates cranked up most often that year, a Phoenix faves list, I’d go with “Crazy Train,” “You Shook Me All Night Long,” and anything off Zenyatta Mondatta. If I had to make my own, I’d go with “Once In A Lifetime,” “Oh Yeah” and “Turn It On Again.”

But five minutes from now I’d probably give you a completely different list. Suffice it to say that back then the hardest part of picking 13 albums for a penny from the Columbia Record & Tape Club was winnowing it down to 13.

A Christmas For Christmas

Don’t you hate when a couple this good-looking (Penn and Kim Holderness are married in real life with a cute son and cute daughter) is also this witty (they wrote this)? They’ve set a new, er, Hallmark for holiday film parody.

A Whale of A Story

This feels as if it should’ve happened on WKRP In Cincinnati, or perhaps it inspired the famous WKRP Thanksgiving episode.Whatever. Today is the 50th anniversary of this event that will leave you blubbering with mirth. Enjoy.

MAC-tion is BACK-tion

The MAC returned to November week night viewing (as it does annually) and last night’s finish between Toledo and Western Michigan did not disappoint.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Axis of Evil, circa 2020

Coup de Twats

Lie, lie, lie.

Deny, deny, deny.

Decry, decry, decry.

That’s it. That’s the GOP’s entire plan to steal the election.

We’re not even going to give any more oxygen to Mike Pompeo’s absurd statement from yesterday other than to say what we said months ago: at some point in time push is going to come to shove.

There is nothing in Donald Trump’s past to suggest that he will ever admit defeat or do the right thing. He will obstruct and delay, and then obstruct some more and delay longer. So at some point by January 20th some MUSCLE is going to need to come in and order him out of the White House.

And now that it seems that William Barr and Mike Pompeo are also in bed with Trump on this denial of election results, that means that some active resistance must take hold. Resigning if you work under Barr or Pompeo or in the military is one thing, but perhaps some MUSCLE from the National Guard or the military or Secret Service is going to have to storm the castle.

And what happens, by the way, if Trump fortifies the White House with the very right-wing, white supremacist militia types who are so eager to defend him?

The latest Banana Republic outlet just opened on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

One Minute Of Truth

Cannot wait to see where this young man is in 20 years. #NotSafeForPhyllis

Amen Corner

This is Jon Rahm on the 16th hole during a practice round at The Masters yesterday. They didn’t even think to try and attempt this in Caddyshack. You may ask how come one of the world’s best golfers duffed a shot so horribly and for that we have no answer.

No-Fraud Zone

The New York Times contacted the top election official in each of the 50 states. Here’s what they heard back:

–directly from the top official in 49 states, NO EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD.

–from someone speaking for that top official in four other states, NO EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD.

–from Texas, a state that Donald Trump won, no reply.

Of course, you may want to ask your favorite GOP tin-foil hat wearer why it is that people such as Mitch McConnell and Tommy Tuberville were legally elected on the very same ballots on which Joe Biden was illegally elected, but it’s exactly that type of logic that proves too unwieldy for them to embrace.

Which is not to say that there has not been election fraud in the past two weeks. This, for example:

And you have to wonder if this person in silhouette actually works at Nevada Pole & Total Landscaping:

So at this point you have to wonder what it’s going to look like when Donald Trump is frog-walked out of the White House in handcuffs.

But here’s an epiphany I had this morning: What if this is all part of Trump’s plan to avoid jail. He’s going to keep ratcheting up the 3rd World Dictator schtick in hopes that eventually he can approach the Biden camp and say, “Look, I’ll leave the White House peacefully if you’ll just pardon me on everything else.” At which point, if I were Biden, I’d simply start laughing.

The SEC’s Day Off

Due to Covid-19 testing, this weekend’s Alabama-LSU contest and Texas A&M-Tennessee game have been postponed. This is probably the best news LSU fans have had all season.

Leo at 46

To celebrate Leo DiCaprio’s 46th birthday, let’s post five favorite performances:

  1. Arnie in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (still his best)
  2. Billy in The Departed (where Matt Damon plays the a-hole—in Boston! These two could easily have swapped roles and it would’ve played just as well if not better).
  3. Jack Dawson in Titanic (yes, it’s schmaltzy in moments, but he’s fantastic)
  4. Rick in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood (an imperfect film but he and Brad were phenomenal)
  5. Frank in Catch Me If You Can*

*honorable mention to Danny in Blood Diamond, another film (like Nos. 2 and 3) where Leo does not survive.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Jet Downer

There have been no major domestic airline catastrophes in more than a decade… with the exception of the New York Jets.

How did the Jets manage to lose last night on Monday Night Football? When we tuned in there were fewer than seven minutes remaining and New York (0-8 entering) led the putrid Patriots (2-5) 27-17.

Then New England kicked a field goal.

Then Joe Flacco (now a Jet) threw an ill-advised bomb on first down (a tight end was WIDE OPEN 10 yards downfield) that was picked. Then New England got 19 yards on 3rd-and-19. Then New England scored a TD. Then the Jets, getting the ball back with under 2 minutes, took a sack and threw an INC and, again, 0-8, decided to punt on 4th-and-3 from their 41 with the score tied.

New England then threw about a 20-yard completion with just a few ticks left, which put former Jet Nick Folk in position to kick a 51-yard field goal, and, yes, never even a question.

Pats 30, Jets 27.

The misery continues for football’s worst team.

White Supremacy’s Last Gasp

In the past 24 hours alone:

*Lame-duck president Donald Trump fires Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. This is his replacement below, in his first day on the job.

*Lamer still Attorney General William Barr orders prosecutors to look into voter fraud during the election with absolutely no evidence to sustain why he is doing so. While you’re at it, Bill, let’s investigate whether Matt Gaetz is a serial-killer. I mean, he could be, right?

*In response to Barr’s order, Richard Pilger, director of the elections crimes branch in the Justice Department’s Public Integrity Section, resigned. Perhaps Pilger is smart enough to realize he’ll have his job back in less than three months.*

*This, by the way, must be the strategy to counterattack Trump and Barr and the rest of them. Trump will attempt to rid the top levels of government resistance (see: Sally Yates, James Comey, etc.) and is rumored to be considering firing FBI director Chris Wray. But even if he installs henchmen such as Barr atop key agencies (including the military), those people still need underlings to carry out their orders. And as long as people refuse to do so, there’s absolutely no way Trump’s nefarious plan will work. It’s kind of bizarre to see “Hamilton” in real time, but here we are.

*Georgia’s two Republican senators, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Klansman, have told the state’s Secretary of State, who happens to be Republican but apparently did not give the ball a favorable spot, to resign. He oversees the election results in Georgia. He is refusing to do so.

*Lindsey Graham went on Fox News and said, and I quote, “Republicans win because of our ideas and we lose elections because [Democrats] cheat.” Sadly, there are plenty of Republicans who’d rather buy this logic than face the truth.

I keep returning to what Dave Chappelle said near the end of his SNL monologue the other night. Referring to how Trump got himself A-plus health care while letting friends/sycophants Chris Christie (wither in ICU) and Herman Cain (die) suffer, not to mention one million-plus Americans, Chappelle said: “That’s your leader. For four years…THAT’S your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives? Die?

“A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a long time, I’ve noticed a pattern.

Stop The Count!

Meanwhile, the coronavirus rages out of control even after Pfizer announced that it has produced a vaccine (without government assistance) that is 90% effective. Yesterday the U.S. had yet another new record of coronavirus cases (125,000-plus) while leading epidemiologists are predicting the next few months will be “coronavirus hell.”

One went on TV this morning and predicted at least 100,000 more deaths before inauguration day.

And your president? He has not sat in on a coronavirus briefing in 12 weeks. Frankly, they’re boring to him. Hey, if you didn’t want to die from the ‘rona, you should’ve gotten your ass elected president, no?

When The Witch of November Comes Stealin

Forty-five years ago today (November 10, 1975), the S.S. Edmund Fitzgerald sank in a massive gale on Lake Superior. The freighter, 790-feet long, took down 29 men and 26 short tons of iron ore with it shortly after 7 p.m.

One year later Canadian musician Gordon Lightfoot (still living, by the way) wrote his classic ballad, “The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald.” Lightfoot has said he was inspired to pen the tune after seeing a story about the disaster in Newsweek and noting that the ship’s name had been misspelled “Edmond” (where were the fact-checkers??? Or even Micah Sage?). He felt that the typo dishonored the 29 lost souls and wanted to correct the error.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Spontaneous celebration in South Bend and…

Wake Up The Echoes!

Quite a Saturday as both President Donald Trump and No. 1 Clemson officially lose for the first time in years. The news organizations began declaring Joe Biden the winner shortly before 11 a.m. and then Notre Dame, in another contest that seemed to go on interminably long, took down the Tigers in two overtimes, 47-40.

…and Times Square

A bad day all around for orange creatures. A great day for the Irish, which Biden is. Notre Dame had not taken down a No. 1 opponent in 27 years, since Florida State in November of 1993. Brian Kelly, now in his 11th season, finally gets his first victory against a Top 5 team and moves his name closer to the plateau of Rockne, Leahy, Parseghian and Holtz. All that remains elusive is a national championship.

A Man For All Seasons

The inimitable Alex Trebek, 80, passes from stage 4 pancreatic cancer, with which he was diagnosed last year. The Canada native served as the host of Jeopardy! for 36 years and turned it into an American institution. His kindness, dry wit and genial charm will forever be missed.

It says something about the way Trebek connected with viewers, and also the simple genius of the game, that the host and the show inspired a long-running parody on Saturday Night Live (the foil to Trebek was Sean Connery, who passed just one week ago), a Weird Al song, and an entire episode of Cheers. If you want to see a beautiful tribute to Trebek, we posted one in Friday’s edition of MH at the bottom.

Trebek was taping episodes of Jeopardy! less than two weeks ago. The show has enough episodes with him hosting in the can to last us through Christmas. After that it’ll be interesting to see who succeeds him. No one will replace him.

A Man For Four Seasons

One could read shelves-ful of books that dissect the incompetence, the cruelty, the corruption and the smug self-satisfaction of the Trump presidency… or you could remember that in a final act of defiance, the president had his bag man, Rudy Giuliani, stage a press conference at what he thought would be the Four Seasons hotel in Philadelphia. Only it was a company called Four Seasons Total Landscaping, located betwixt a sex shop and a crematorium.

And for some reason, even at some point realizing the error they’d made, they still went through with the press conference. Even Sacha Baron-Cohen isn’t brilliant enough to concoct such a perfect metaphor.

Major Harris

Yes, America elected another old white man as president (he is a massive step up and in the right direction, though). But, in terms of historical impact, a woman of color and of Indian heritage who was educated at an HBCU and comes from zero privilege, well, she’s the vice president.

The American Dream is alive and well. It’s funny how much that upsets some patriotic Americans.

By the way, and we can’t remember if we typed this last week, but in 2020 Donald Trump received more votes in a presidential election than any previous candidate in any election ever had. The problem for Donald is that he received four million fewer votes than Joe Biden and also fewer electoral votes.

What does that mean? That democracy won last week, more than anything. Americans still believe in the power of the vote, no matter how hard Donald Trump attempted to crush their optimism. Americans voted, to use a phrase that Trump always like to trot out, “like they’ve never done before.” And that is in part why he lost. And why democracy, more so than Joe Biden, won.

Chapelle’s Glow

About six minutes into his 16-minute host monologue on SNL, Dave Chappelle stopped tap dancing and begin super-spreading the truth: “Don’t even wanna wear a mask because it’s oppressive? Try wearing the mask I’ve been wearing all these years. Can’t even tell something true unless it’s got a punch line behind ityou guys aren’ ready.”

And that’s when the monologue really begins… Dave eases up on them for a few more minutes but then after about 11:30 it’s just devastating. Impactful stuff. Total silence in the studio as he outlines his plan for a “Kindness Conspiracy.”

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Mapquest

As we woke up on Friday morning, Joe Biden leads Donald Trump in electoral votes, 264-217, with five states still in play: Georgia, Nevada, North Carolina and Pennsylvania. The odds favor Biden as mail-in votes seem to favor Democratic candidates…because who wants to be shot at a polling place?

On Thursday night, President Trump delivered what CNN’s Daniel Dale calls “the most dishonest speech of his presidency.” That’s like saying you just spotted the planet’s largest blue whale. Wow.

This was Trump’s biggest doozy: “If you count the legal votes, I easily win. If you count the illegal votes, they can try to steal the election from us.”

I’m mortified at the stupidity of people who buy this bullshit. Here’s a simple test: Would you believe this to be true if someone you did not know said it? Of course not. So why does President Hitler always get a free pass?

Netflix’s Election Coverage

If you’ve watched The Queen’s Gambit (fantastic), then you remember this scene from the opening episode and you are able to spot the metaphor. If you’ve either watched TQG or know what a metaphor is, you probably did not vote for Donald Trump.

All The Symbolism

Election Day was Colin Kaepernick’s birthday.

Today, in a matter of hours, Georgia could be the state that puts Joe Biden over 270: and today is the 89th anniversary of Louis Armstrong’s “Georgia On My Mind” being released.

The county that may clinch it for Biden in Georgia was in Rep. John Lewis’ district.

Meanwhile, Back At The Coronavirus Ward

The United States went Tesla-stock-in-late-July on coronavirus cases yesterday, breaking new barriers as if no boundaries can stop it. More than 120,000 new cases yesterday, which is about a 20% jump from the previous all-time high the day before. You know how we’ll know when Donald Trump has officially lost? When Fox News and OAN and The Hill begin obsessing about this terrible pandemic and why can’t the government seem to do anything to control it?

They’re Not Going Away

If the past four years have taught us anything, it’s that the Trump kids have come to understand that politics is the new family business. Grifting irate and/or disenfranchised (or so they feel) white folks is so much more lucrative than Trump Steaks. So expect Don, Jr., and Ivanka and Eric to be out staging Trump rallies in support of Dad, who will be, too, stoking up white nationalism at every turn.

Who knows where this car is headed—off a cliff?—but they’re not going anywhere.

Hallelujah Chorus

Four years ago, for the first SNL following the election, the show’s cold open was simply Kate McKinnon, costumed as Hillary Clinton, playing Leonard Cohen’s somber “Hallelujah.” She played it straight, not for jokes.

So what comes this Saturday (with the same host as four years ago, Dave Chapelle)? Here’s our guess/suggestion: the cast (and others), all in their political garb (both a Jason Sudeikis and a Jim Carrey Joe Biden, for example) singing the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah.

You heard it here first.

What Is, One Man Makes A Difference?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Biden His Time

While President Trump was “hereby” claiming states that had not yet finished counting votes, challenger Joe Biden was keeping a low profile and letting the vote-counters do their job. As we type this it’s late Wednesday evening and still no definitive winner. Is this what prolonged labor is like?

We don’t want to go “Dewey (Beach) Defeats Trumpman” here, so we’ll note that one candidate is throwing paradoxical tantrums (“Stop counting the votes!” “Keep counting the votes!”) while the other is sitting on the front porch playing Crazy Eights with his wife.

It wasn’t easy: voter suppression, voter intimidation, a concerted effort to delegitimize the U.S. postal service and Chevy truck caravans… and still, MORE AMERICANS voted for Joe Biden than any other presidential candidate in U.S. history (Donald Trump received more votes than any Republican candidate in history, too). By the way, in seven of the last eight elections, counting this one, the Democratic candidate has received the majority of the votes. Sounds as if the GOP is getting governmental assistance via our electoral process: is that not socialism?

p.s. Your faithful scribe moved to Arizona last March and voted here. You’re welcome, America.

Heaven-Sent

When the up-and-down history of the year 2020 is written, it should be remembered that the coronavirus was the stuff that saved democracy in this nation. Just as 405,000 American soldiers gave their lives for the U.S.A. in World War II, more than half that have sacrificed theirs in 2020 for this country.

Not following? When you see how slim the margin of victory for Joe Biden was in this election, there’s little getting around the idea that Donald Trump wins without the introduction of the coronavirus—and his administration’s response to it—last winter. And if Trump wins in 2020 the path of darkness for this country only becomes more sinister.

By no means is this country out of the woods yet. And let’s make no mistake: this is a battle between white supremacy, i.e., the patriarchal white male, and inclusion of all types of people. That’s all any of this is about. Don’t attempt to complicate it.

There will be other Trumpian figures in the future. For now, America has held him and his horde at bay. To continue to do so in the future will take vigilance. But for now, God sent down a virus to provide an assist. And again, there’s nothing more outlandish about suggesting that than suggesting that God Him/Herself exists. The evidence is equally convincing/unconvincing on either count.

And, before we leave this topic, 1,100 more Americans died of Covid-19 yesterday. With more than 100,000 new cases. America First!

Stop The Count!

No one ever said White Supremacy in America would vanish without a bitter fight. Here are some “patriotic Americans”, a.k.a. “Vanilla Isis“, in Michigan literally chanting that votes should not be counted because, you know, ‘merica. Listen: “Stop the Count!” was quite the populist expression centuries ago in Transylvania, but I’m not sure if it’s really that in modern-day Wayne County, Michigan.

Of course the funny part is that all of the GOP and Trumpism is rooted in hypocrisy. So what a perfectly symbolic end for what may be the end of his presidency:

Whose Side Are You On?

A question I posed some of my friends (we are divided) last night: Watch these two clips and determine whose side you’d rather be on. Him?

Or him?

Black people forever wondering how come they have to be twice as smart, twice as composed, twice as articulate just so that white people won’t call them radical or unhinged. You know what? They have a damn good point.

That’s WMR (White Male Rage) up top and this is what happens when you don’t realize that the Constitution is color-blind (especially after that whole Emancipation Proclamation deal).

The Manchester (Ob)Scene

In the world of soccer, Manchester United was once the gold standard. But nowadays Man U. cannot even maintain the goal standard. We’re not super-sophisticated when it comes to football acumen, but based on the media reactions from punters it seems that the defense here against Basaksehir, a Turkish club, in Champions League defeat was, well, indefensible. Something you’d admonish your 10-and-under team for failing to be prepared for.

The goal was scored by that unmarked man, Demba Ba, who is 35 years old. Basaksehir won, 2-1.

IT’S STILL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Hey Now, Heyyy Now, Don’t Dream It’s Over

Not sure how long ago this was, probably in the last two weeks, but here’s Bernie Sanders, who’d have made a better president than either of the two men on the ballot, explaining almost down to the county how the 2020 presidential election would play out.

By the way, we avoided watching most of the election coverage and are still doing so. For us, no matter who wins, the mandate has been established: America, with everything it knows and has experienced, did not repudiate Donald Trump.

So this was America’s chance to say, “Throw the bums out!” and America failed. You’re going to see a whole wave of Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes (not to mention the Trump kids) in the future because for some reason, half of America is down with corruption, incompetence, grifting and bullying.

We’re not the best country. Not even close.

Bastard Out Of Carolina*

*The judges are not explicitly talking about Lindsey Graham, but if your mind went there we won’t truck with you.

It’s been a decade or two since we read Bastard Out Of Carolina by Dorothy Allison, but here is what we remember: single mom dating a total bad boy, and bad guy, who treats her daughter quite poorly. In fact, he physically abuses her and ultimately rapes her.

But mom doesn’t leave him. She knows who he is but she’d still rather be with him than not.

This is an analogy. I think you get it.

Trump Flat-Earthers, The Coronavirus, and Austin Powers


One thing I’ve heard from Trump truthers the past month, and not just one but a few, is that “no one could’ve really contained the coronavirus.” It’s as if that routine ground ball to the first baseman would’ve gone through anyone’s legs, not just Bill Buckner’s.

But it’s simply not true. It’s false. You or I could’ve done a better job fighting the coronavirus. Seriously. Why? Because we would’ve been smart enough to let the pilot fly the plane, i.e., ask the epidemiologists what to do and follow their lead. But what about the economy? Oh, stop. Like prolonging a pandemic for another year is a wise economic move?

So for me it’s like this: Trump truthers claim the coronavirus is a meteor hurtling toward Earth and we are powerless to stop it. False. What the coronavirus is is this: it’s that very slow-moving steamroller in the first Austin Powers film that the dastardly henchman sees coming from 20 feet away but instead of doing anything about it, he simply screams in horror while, with plenty of time to elude it, freezing in place until it ultimately flattens him.

And that’s why I always think in metaphors.

Jacobellis’ing It

Remember the 2006 Winter Olympics, when all Lindsay Jacobellis had to do was jump correctly and then snowboard home for a gold medal? Instead, she tried styling during her jump, fell, and finished with the silver.

Well, the President attempted to declare victory. Prematurely. Last night. We weren’t awake for it but you’ve certainly heard about it.

Here’s the interesting, but also depressing thing: Neither side produced a landslide. Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell were reelected. Tommy Tuberville was elected. The point? Neither side is dominant. The political strife of the past four years will simply continue moving onward. I’m tempted to say, “I’m out.” Cuz this sh*t just ain’t worth it. Find me a beach somewhere. The beach bums have all the wisdom.

IT IS ALLLLLL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Exit Pol?

Election day 2020 dawned with the President of the United States having erected a “non-scalable fence” around the perimeter of the White House (I’m sure that made the Secret Service feel gratified for all that they do) and phoning in to Fox News 45 minutes late to whine that they actually air video of the other candidate.

Today is Election Day. Saturday Notre Dame hosts No. 1 Clemson. I’m against everything orange this week (except Tang, of course).

Vote if you have not yet done so. Remember this day for as long as you live. And if your election lasts more than 40 hours, please consult a physician.

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Happy Birthday, Colin Kaepernick!

The former Super Bowl quarterback turns 33 today. Life is funny. There’s still time for some NFL owner to sign Kap but, hey, when you’ve got Ben DiNucci taking snaps for you, who needs a former All-Pro who’s still in his prime?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

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Potential Scenario: Donald Trump loses, is tossed over the “non-scaleable wall,” and finds himself in a bottomless gorge of debt. But there is one way out of the predicament: write a tell-all book about the last five years of his life.

Be completely candid, and for once, truthful: What really happened to Jeffrey Epstein? What was said during the meeting with Putin? Was there a back-up Melania? What’s going on with Hope Hicks? Everything. In exchange Trump receives immunity, is allowed to be free (but not to hold rallies or appear on Fox News or OAN) and can settle up with his creditors.

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Are we being too hopeful here? Spiking the ball before we cross the plane of the goal line? Yes, we’ll stop. We’ve got little doubt that Biden will win the popular vote and think he’ll probably also take the electoral college. What happens after that is beyond our ken. We’ve got the cynical thoughts and also the hopeful thoughts. Who knows?

But maybe, just maybe, someone has whispered into Don’s ear that he really doesn’t want to spend the next four years being president and that he can still do his pump-up-your-ego rallies without having to live in Washington, D.C. any more. Maybe even his own show on Fox News. That actually might appeal to him more. While Ivanka prepares for a run at the Senate (in Florida) in 2022 or 2024. Who knows?

Vladimir Putin In The Sauna With The Crossbow Is The Strangest Clue Hypothesis Yet

In case you missed it, Russian oligarch Vladimir Marugov, who owned several meat-processing plants and was dubbed “The Sausage King,” was killed by unnamed assailants who entered his home and shot him with a crossbow as he and his wife were seated in their sauna. Apparently they were demanding money and the wife somehow escaped.

I’d say, “Stay tuned,” but it’s Russia and we’ll never learn the truth. Just be thankful we were given these salacious details.

Who’s A Smart Doggy?

I don’t care if this good doggy was trained to do this or not. Even if it was, then give him or her an extra doggy bone for superior acting talent.

Remember Her?

Four years later, it’s important to remember that Hillary Clinton A) is not dead (remember she was gravely ill?) and B) has not been locked up or even accused by anyone outside of a fulminating charlatan of any actual crimes.

There are voters who hate her because she’s dishonest (Is she, though, or is that just how you like to feel? Is she any more so than you or I?). There are voters who hate her because she stayed with her adulterous husband (these same voters have no problem admiring a man who cheated on all three of his wives, which seems, I dunno, rather hypocritical). Mostly, though, voters hate her because she’s a woman who stands up for herself, can out-think them, and whose primary goal in life is not to be sexually pleasing to the male animal.

She wouldn’t have been a perfect president. No one has been. She would’ve stopped this virus in its tracks, though. Literally, I feel safe saying, half as many Americans at most would have died from it. Think about that. People voted for a man whose presence in the Oval Office was likely responsible for the death of at least 100,000 Americans. And that’s a very conservative estimate.

You made the wrong choice, America. You need to be reminded of that.

When Darkness Turns To Light/
It Ends Tonight/It Ends Tonight