IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Wednesday, 8/28

Starting Five

An abbreviated IAH! today, as the crack MH staff has an unpaid autograph signing session to which it must attend.

1. Johnny Drama

Simpler times: Manziel only had to concern himself with keeping defensive foes off his back.



Vince’s big brother does not believe that Johnny’s bananas.










Yo, Vince, this is just like the time you shot Medellin and everyone in Hollywood turned on you. How quickly they forgot Aquaman and all the money you made them. You were box-office gold that opening weekend, and that was with a major power outage across the country. Or maybe it’s like that time when we were hurting for cash so you agreed to sing at that girl’s Sweet 16 birthday party. I’m not letting you go out like this. Not my bro!

2. Syria, Syriana

Damon: “You’re exporting oil and not improving your nation’s infrastructure? Fine, as long as you’re not fracking.”

Do you remember Syriana? It’s the Matt Damon film in which he lectures someone above his pay grade about a nation’s military and political buffoonishness without having to share the screen with the Affleck brothers. There may be a better film that tackles the Middle East and the conflicts that the State Dept. has in balancing foreign policy with our addiction to oil, but I have not seen it. Terrific film. Anyway, we’re probably going to launch a missile strike against Syria tomorrow (I’ll wait until Adam Schefter or Brett McMurphy reports this before I fully believe it), because its government went all Operation Genoa against its own people last week, reportedly killing more than a thousand citizens via chemical attack.

I’m naïve, so help me out here. Like, at least 100,000 Syrians have died in that country’s civil war in the past two-plus years. Why is it suddenly so egregious and inhumane that 1,300 or so Syrians have died via a chemical weapons strike? Wasn’t the entire affair beyond egregious and inhumane a year ago?

One last thing to note: Steve Jobs’ biological father is Syrian. Abdulfattah Jindali, who was forbidden from marrying Jobs’ American-born mother (she gave him up for adoption) is now in his early 80s and the general manager of the Boomtown casino outside of Reno. No kidding.

3. This Is Why You Never Bet On Baseball

Kershaw, like fellow fireballers Nolan Ryan and Roger Clemens, is Texas-bred.

Recently the Los Angeles Dodgers tore off 18 wins in a 20-game stretch. Their only two losses came when they handed the ball to Clayton Kershaw, whose 1.72 ERA entering last night’s game versus the Lowly (why bother with Chicago) Cubs would be the NL’s  lowest, if the season was over, since Greg Maddux’s 1.63 in 1995. Oh, and the Cubs had lost eight straight to the Dodgers.

So what happens? The last-place Cubs, losers of six of their past seven, touch Kershaw for two runs and bounce him in the sixth inning, his shortest outing since April 23. Kershaw gets the L.

4. More Manziel (Hey, If ESPN Can Revisit Him Every Seven Minutes, Why Can’t I?)

Jeff Spicoli: Was not even INVITED to the Manning Passing Academy.

–When I think of how the NCAA’s surprise (at least to us) Sunday visit to Manziel went down, this is what I think of. (“What [Jordan] Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England Baton Rouge place ’cause it was bogus; so if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves – pronto – we’ll just be bogus too! Get it?”)

–Texas A&M is within its bounds to tell the media what its players and coaches won’t discuss, but the media is within its bounds to make every question about Johnny Manziel, if for no other reason than to make a point. Alan Cannon cannot rescind the 1st Amendment. Only Rick Perry can do that.

–The band Living Colour devised ESPN’s current playlist nearly a quarter-century ago: “Cult of Personality.” It’s why we get LeBron, Manziel, Tebow, A-Rod, RG III, Lather, Rinse, Repeat, Ad Nauseam. Stan Verrett actually segued from a Manziel story to teases on Tebow and RG III this morning by drolly noting, “We never talk about these guys.”

–The Nineties band Nada Surf has gotten no credit (outside of this space, as far as I know) for coining the term, “Johnny Football.” (“And if you see Johnny Football Hero in the hall, tell him he played a great game…”). Lots of sound advice here.

–ESPN launched the Longhorn Network on August 26, 2011 (or, one day before Mack Brown’s 60th birthday). Since that date two quarterbacks who play for schools located in Texas have won the Heisman Trophy (RG III and Manziel), though neither played for the Longhorns. And three Texas-based universities have had at least one 10-win season: Baylor, Texas A&M and TCU. The Longhorns have not. I don’t know; I find it kind of funny.

5. A Short History of ‘Dream’

Less than 50 years later, the U.S. elected its first black president? Are we there yet? No. Closer? Much closer.

August 28, 1963: Martin Luther King, Jr., delivers his landmark “I Have A Dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial. The speech itself commemorated the 100th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation, which proclaimed the freedom of all slaves in the 10 states in rebellion.

September 18, 1965: “I Dream of Jeannie” makes it network television debut. Our star, played by belly-baring babe Barbara Eden, refers to the man who took her away from her home land as “Master.” Hmmm.

Jeannie: Madison Avenue’s paragon of housewifery.

June 27, 1973: Aerosmith releases “Dream On“, the Boston-based band’s first hit (though it peaked at 59)

October, 1986: Lionel Richie declares that “I had a dream, I had an awesome dream” in “Say You, Say Me.”

September 29, 1992: The Cranberries release “Dreams”, an all-time rock yodeling classic.


2 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Wednesday, 8/28

  1. Chemical warfare is a violation of Protocol 1, an amendment to the Geneva Conventions, which outlaws biological & other weapons whose “scope of destruction cannot be limited”. (i.e to the battlefield & to the official combatants). Sure, victims wouldn’t give a rat’s ass HOW they’re killed, but over the past few hundred years, ‘civilized society’ (oxymoron?) has attempted to legislate the ‘rules of war’. Why? I guess so we don’t kill off the human population even faster, which ever-evolving technology would enable us to do. In a sports vernacular, the Rules are a technology “cap”.

    As for Johnny CASH – I don’t know who makes me more disgusted – Manziel or the NCAA. Sure, sure, *I’d* sign 4000 autographs for FREE, wouldn’t you?! Heck, if he did, he’d supplant Tebow as reigning Heisman Saint. And if the NCAA can’t figure out how to ‘prove’ he took money, then they are even more worthless than boobs on a bull.

  2. Hey, I just read that 5 of SI’s 7 college football poobahs have tagged ND as this year’s “Flop Team”. You’re not gonna stand or even sit for that, are you? Anyway, I tag the Aggie$ for flop city. As for my National Champion pick, I just want ANYone other than Bama, just tired of them. What do you think of LSU & GA’s chances of beating Bama in SEC play? Or could Oregon or Stanford do the job in the NCG? Thoughts, please. (Prayers apparently will be needed by your alma mater).

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