IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Thursday, September 26

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Starting Five

1. Yacht-See!!!

(the judges will also accept, “Hist-Oracle!”)

Starboard Stripes Forever! Oracle completes the “Sail of the Century” with its dramatic Race 19 victory.

“Do you believe in Oracles? Yes!”

(Thanks to my Twitter brother, @okerland, for that).

Oracle Team USA completes its highly unlikely comeback from an 8-1 race deficit versus Emirates New Zealand to win the 2013 America’s Cup, a.k.a. “Ultimate Yachting Championship 34.” In the process sport sets a new standard for “bandwagon fans” –Did anyone outside of San Francisco and the Newport Yacht Club even know this regatta was taking place before Tuesday? And if you were upset on Tuesday because NBC Sports Network was pre-empting “The Crossover” with Michelle Beadle in favor of the AC, how did you feel yesterday after you learned that the program had been canceled.

Oracle won the final race by a margin of some 500 meters, but officials claim that their victory was wind-aided.

Also, as Barry Petchesky of Deadspin noted, only one of the 11-man Oracle crew is actually American (yes, we’re even out-sourcing our miraculous American sports comebacks now). Four of the sailors are Aussies, two are Kiwis (yes, we beat a New Zealand vessel while using more New Zealanders than Yanks), and then one each from the USA, Great Britain, Holland, Italy and Antigua.

What does the comeback mean in terms of the context of sport? To paraphrase sports’ ultimate philosopher, Yogi Berra, “It’s knot over ’til it’s over.”

2. Beadlemania Takes a Hit

What’s next for Beadle? She could always become the Robin Quivers of The Herd.

NBC Sports Network’s “The Crossover” is over.

Less than one year into its run, and after the release of co-host Dave Briggs, the show’s Houston Astros’-like ratings fueled the show’s demise. Or, as Stephen Douglas of “The Big Lead” tweeted, “If Beadle’s show is canceled, what show won’t I watch on whatever network that was on?”

NBC should’ve given Beadle one final show in which the Turk knocks on her dressing room door and says, “Coach wants to see you. Oh, and bring your IFB and note cards.”

Beadle, my Riverside Drive neighbor (only our incomes are in different zip codes), did not go quietly. At least not in the Twitterverse. After the Turk told her to hand in her playbook, she tweeted, “Hey, guys. Even Tom Hanks had ‘Bosom Buddies.’ #LetsSmile

Then she appeared to do a little venting. It began with this: “To do overs, bitches!!!”

Then it got weird. A parody account –@NotAdamTheBull , which I’m guessing is a parody of the Cleveland-based sports DJ of that name — tweeted, “Listen! Dats what she gets fur being a B ta my guy @davebriggstv babaaay! What a disaaasta!” And then Briggs, who seems to be kind of a tool, quoted the tweet and added, “Classic.”

Briggs: Tool Time.

 

So that TV marriage was never Lucy and Ricky. Not even Beadle and Cowherd. And thus I have to ask: Who’s the genius at NBC Sports who thought a snarky wisenheimer such as Beadle would be a solid pairing with a dude whose Twitter bio extols “the love of my life, Brandi” and who lives in Westport, Conn.? Shouldn’t that exec also be, um, canceled?

Beadle actually issued a warning shot to Briggs after that on Twitter, but later took it down. Briggs also appears to have taken down his tweet.  Never delete a tweet (That’s Rule No. 6).

3. Do NOT Hurt The Atlanta Braves’ Feelings!

If our basepaths should cross again…

For the second time in the past fortnight, hostilities erupted at a baseball game after the Braves, and particularly catcher Brian McCann, took umbrage at a hitter admiring his home run.

Sept 11: Miami Marlins ace Jose Fernandez, who is just 21, clouts his first Major League home run and stands a moment too long to admire it. As CBS Sports explains, the Braves’ Chris Johnson might have instigated this scene earlier. And he certainly didn’t help matters after. Anyway, McCann felt the need to explain baseball’s “code” to Fernandez and both benches emptied. Fernandez appeared genuinely surprised by the Braves’ reaction.

Sept. 25: Carlos Gomez of the Brewers, just the second batter of the game, approaches home plate and McCann jaws with him before the first pitch. Then Gomez hits a homer to left center and struts up the first base line. McCann then stood in his path about 15 feet up from home plate. Again, benches emptied.

We’re with Bomani Jones, who requests a Dodgers-Braves playoff series so that we can witness Yasiel Puig offend the Braves’ sense of decorum. Please let this happen.

4. Jon Stewart Launches a Ted Cruz Missile

Why so many tools in today’s MH?

I’ve been alive long enough to be sure of one thing: I would make a better U.S. senator or congressman than most of the tools we have elected. And so would you. And so, most certainly

Watch how Jon Stewart deconstructs and destroys the filibuster of Republican Texas senator Ted Cruz, he of the Princeton undergrad degree and the Harvard law degree (summa cum laude).

I’ll extract the best moments:

A) Cruz compares the coming Obamacare universe to Nazi Germany (because that analogy always goes down easily).

B) Cruz: “I am going to speak in support of defunding Obamacare until I am no longer physically able to stand.” Stewart: “It’s easy for you to take that kind of risk; you’ve got government health care.”

C) Cruz: “Some time ago I tweeted a speech that Ashton Kutcher gave…such a terrific speech…” Stewart: “You’ve outsourced your intellect and wisdom to a dude who cannot find his car?”

D) Cruz reads from “Green Eggs and Ham.” Stewart’s retort: “So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go with a book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it. And when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit, after tasting it, this is good #$%&.”

BAM! Checkmate.

And this guy, Ted Cruz, won debating contests in the Ivy League. Maybe the Ivy League isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

SI’s Twitter 100

On The List:

Mario Balotelli, who last tweeted 20 days ago and primarily tweets in Italian (he’s a soccer star, not a chef, by the way).

Blake Griffin, who last tweeted in mid-August and never tweeted about the birth of his son with Brynn Cameron.

The San Francisco Giants and the Boston Celtics. Just because.

Brian Kelly, who most likely does not even run his own feed.

Tennis Reporters, because most of us cannot get enough tennis news. “Rafi, Serena, Rafi, Serena, Rafi, Topless Photos of Sharapova, Rafi, Serena….”

Not On The List (and why this list is wanting)

Jason McIntyre, Stephen Douglas or Tyler Duffy of The Big Lead.

Cecil Hurt, as witty a sports writer as anyone on Twitter.

Jason Gay. Ditto.

(Points two thumbs at own chest)

Simply put, it’s a poor list and it appears there’s some personal favor going on here. USA Today quickly posted a list of 20 additional follows, but any list that doesn’t include Douglas or Hurt is lacking.

Remote Patrol

Breaking Bald Marathon

AMC ALL DAY!!!!!!

Pant-o-mine.

If you’ve only caught on to Walt and Jesse’s meth-cellent adventure recently, set your DVR to AMC and catch up. The marathon began last night, as our pilot begins with Walter’s Dockers falling helplessly to terra firma. The same Dockers he would come across two Sundays ago in Ozymandias. Of course, those of you who already have Netflix can turn your nose up on my excitement.

 

 

 

 

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