So I was speaking to Medium Happy’s head of HR yesterday, who told me that we will be accepting summer interns this year. Duties may include stocking the kitchen with kitty food and Snyder’s hard pretzels, recapping recaps of Sunday night TV shows, passively aggressively engaging the CEO’s former places of employ, posing as various commenters, “bank jobs”, and volunteering one’s self for myriad clinical trials. Send all resumes to the Comments section below.
1. Heat Vs. Dead Heat
Watching the second half of Heat-Cats last night (because that’s what it said on their jerseys, “CATS”). Thinking to myself, there must be at least three dozen guys in the NBA with a more aesthetically pleasing jumper than LeBron James. But, you know what? The man makes ’em. More than that, he truly has that Jordan aspect of, “Everyone, jump onto my shoulders, because I’m going to carry us home.”
Miami sweeps the Kitties, while five of the other seven series have been knotted at two apiece. In the other two series (Houston-Portland and Chicago-Washington), it is the higher-seeded team that trails. Credit Miami and Erik Spoelstra. They took care of business. No malaise.
Oh, and Chris Bosh is now the second-best player on the Heat. There’s very little debate on this one.
2. Beltway Bros
“Do they have toilets here or do they put their turds in the Cloud?”
Presidential hopeful Selina Meyer and her staff visit a Facebook-ish tech leviathan named Clovis and in 30 minutes to a better job of skewering the tech industry than “Silicon Valley” has in four episodes. “Veep” nailed the faux-zen aspect of that world, the pretentiousness (“It’s ‘CRAYG’, not ‘Craig’) and the utter b.s. of hoodie-wearing billionaires.
Meanwhile, Dan Egan versus Jonah Ryan, the founder and editor-in-chief of Ryantology, is now the most intense (and funniest) rivalry on Sunday nights in a post-Joffrey universe. If you haven’t yet watched “Veep”, you should. It merits the Larry David seal of approval for nastiness and hilarity.
3. CNBC’s Top 25
The cable business network celebrates its 25th anniversary by naming the 25 people “who have had the most profound impact on business and finance since 1989.” Because a 25 Most Beautiful Finance People may not have been a pretty sight. No sports figures are on the list and the sole person exclusively from entertainment is, you guessed it, Oprah (at No. 7).
No. 1? Steve Jobs. Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg came in at No. 8, but no one else on the list has had a truly fantastic movie made about them.
4. GQ’s Top 15
GQ put a list of the “15 Funniest Comedians in America” (active, not retired or semi-retired) and no argument with their cover choice: Louis C.K.
However, in the egregious omission category, there’s a huge void by John Mulaney not being on the list. You’ll know him soon if you don’t already. And I promise you’ll love him.
5. Trump Vs. Sterling
Who’s the more boorish Donald?
Anyway, you MUST listen to Bomani Jones’ freestyle riff on the Sterling situation yesterday and then read Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s piece in Time. You can write “Pin the fried chicken on the Sambo” if you’re the NBA’s all-time scoring leader. Also, if you like, read my column exhorting fans to not show up tonight for Game 5 (Mark Jackson steals all my ideas).
What I still don’t understand, though, as a lifetime white dude: If I’m upset with what Sterling said, I’m wrong because I wasn’t upset earlier. If I’m not upset by what Sterling said, I’m wrong because those comments are offensive. Chico, please.
An apt heading, that, for Roy Hibbert’s Game 5. The Pacers’ 7-2 center goes 12 minutes in Game 5 with zero points and zero rebounds, begging the eternal question, Why doesn’t the NBA have a Least Improved Player award?
Emma Stone, Xavier Prep dropout and the most charming young actress in Hollywood, engages Jimmy Fallon in a lip-synch skirmish. If you were in your teens or in your 20s in the Nineties, you probably tried to memorize the rap part of “The Hook”, too.
One of my favorite parts about watching these Jimmy Fallon “Things We Did In Our Basement When We Were 13” gambits is trying to imagine Letterman every trying them and thinking, Yeah, no.
It’s crowded in the comedy world after midnight, but in late April and May there’s no surer bet than TNT’s “Inside the NBA” crew. After they showed a highlight of Kemba Walker intentionally throwing a ball off the backboard to pass it to himself, Ernie Johnson quipped, “You should’ve done that, Shaq, it would’ve helped your career. It’s not just for free throws.”
Hilarious line, and it almost got talked over, but Kenny the Jet caught it and repeated it for Shaq, who used his standard comeback, “In what Finals?”
Craig Ferguson will depart “The Late Late Show” at the end of the year. The Great Scot began there in 2005 and was at his peak right before the 2008 election. “It’s a great day for America” is his signature line. His show has lost the buzz it once had, but he’s always been, after Dave, the smartest man on late night. He’s come a long way since the Drew Carey Show. l
According to Forbes, ESPN has surpassed $50 billion in value and is now the world’s most influential media brand. And it’s located off I-84 in Bristol, Conn. And at least when I used to visit, only one restaurant –the beloved White Birch — to be found. And I don’t think that even exists any more.
Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937: Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P
1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio, SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P
Wade Boggs, 3B; 1982-1999, Red Sox, Yankees
The American League’s supreme contact hitter for the last fifth of the 20th century, Boggs won five batting titles and hit above .350 in each of those seasons. Retired with 3,010 hits and a .328 batting average. Among players who entered the big leagues after 1970, only Tony Gwynn (.338) has a higher career average. Introduced the term “palimony” to sports. As a minor leaguer, participated in the longest game (33 innings) in professional baseball history–Cal Ripken, Jr., played on the other team.
Ryne Sandberg, 2B; 1981-1997, Cubs
A 10-time All-Star and nine-time Gold Glove winner, Sandberg owns the highest career fielding percenetage (.989) among second basemen in Major League history. Sandberg was named National League MVP in 1984 when he hit .314, led the Cubs to their first postseason appearance since 1945, and famously slugged two home runs off Bruce Sutter, the premier closer of that season, in a nationally televised game on NBC.
Champions League Semis
Bayern Munich vs Real Madrid
NBC Sports 2:30 p.m.
The Spaniards have won the most CL championships, nine, but none since 2002. The German club is the defending champs and have won five. This is the second leg of their semi-final, and will take place in Munich. Real won at home, 1-0, so a tie advances them. They’ll have both Ronaldo and Bale on the pitch, so you can watch two of the world’s top five players. No team has ever won back-to-back Champions League titles, so the pressure is on Bayern.
Love Mulaney. Proud that I liked him before it was cool. Technically, that’s still in play I think, but before people knew who he was …
Kudos to Silver. He was golden.
The one funny thing I find about Sterlingate is that anyone in the Washington DC area just KNOWS Sterling & ex-Mayor & African-American Marion Berry ironically (will) have the exact same reply to the revelation of their misdeeds (or comments) : “THE BITCH SET ME UP!”
When Sweet Pea went down clutching his thigh/knee last night, I can’t be 100% but I’m prett-ee sure my heart stopped. Thank goodness the human defibrillator eventually popped up & kept on playing.
And poor Hibbert. Here’s my theory – last month when the Pacers had been playing poorly for about 2-3 weeks, Hibbert spoke up & mentioned about some selfish players on the team. At 1st, he was commended for speaking up but then the tweeters/bloggers & eventually the MEDIA all slammed him for it. Just trashed him up & down relentlessly. I think it broke him. His confidence, then heart, then his playing ability.
As for the Pacers team – they overachieved last year in the Eastern Finals when the Heat were exhausted & beat-up after fighting off the Bullies, I mean, Bulls. They became so confident & that carried them thru the 1st half of this season (they were on a superadrenalin high!). After Bird messed with the team, including his bringing onboard the NBA “cooler” (Andrew Bynum for cripes sake!), adversity reared its head, the team started playing poorly, troubles in the locker room began, confidence shot, collapse ensues. The eventual ’30 for 30′ will reveal & clarify all. Poor Hibbert.
Meanwhile, although I still expect them to get to the Western Finals, I would NOT be betting on the Spurs right now! Do they NOT KNOW WHO THEY ARE?! They are the #1 all-NBA seed! They need to start playing like it.
I’m gonna be the dweeb that follows the protocols laid out by the HR Department of Medium Happy. Hopefully a LinkedIn and Twitter address work for you.
Twitter (it’s new, so I am in the category of ‘irrelevant’ Twitter members): @Jacob_Anstey
An offer no employer can deny: I offer free labor. Knowledge is all I request. And…maybe a few more followers, so I don’t feel like a hermit. Other than that, where do I sign?
Dear MH HR Director:
I would like to apply for a position as Summer Intern, in charge of the development of Newphemisms. In lieu of references or an interview, I submit ‘condo-minimum’ as a sample of my work.
Thank you in advance for your consideration.
The MH HR Dept could make worse choices than Donald Sterling to fill the internship. He does have health issues, but I doubt he needs the surely robust MH provided health plan. He’s fairly unencumbered, and although his submissions may require heavy editing, if he likes you expect a Bentley or two, real estate, and a monthly allowance – all good for the MH bottom line.