1. Moneyball 2: Coco Crispier
Say hello (again) to the Oakland Athletics: baseball’s best record (30-16) and its 6th-smallest payroll. The A’s won their 11th game in 12 outings last night, 3-2, despite being one-hit by the Tampa Bay Ray Romanos.
Their best player? Right now I’d go with quasi-rookie pitcher Sonny Gray, the oxymoronic Cy Young candidate who has a 5-1 record and a 2.10 ERA. He’ll be on the mound later today at Tropicana Field.
If Jonah Hill can be involved in a 21 Jump Street sequel, I don’t see why he can’t reprise his role for Moneyball 2. And more Robin Wright scenes this time, please.
2. Steal This Book!
Former Secretary of the Treasury, but more relevant, former Goldman Sachs honcho Tim Geithner appears on The Daily Show to promote his book. Geithner uses the analogy that while the “arsonists” were on the plane, so were the innocent victims, which is why we had to rescue the plane from crashing.
(Meanwhile, someone at CNN watched this piece and wondered if they should begin searching for the plane)
Host Jon Stewart countered that while some people may be willing to go along with Geithner on this metaphor, they took exception to Geithner, having rescued the arsonists, then “getting them a massage and a steak dinner.”
It wasn’t just that the arsonists were on the plane, Tim. It was that the arsonists were the firemen who burnt down the city. And now they are demanding we buy them a shiny new firehouse and fire trucks.
Did he save the economy from “disaster?” Relatively so, yes (ask all the people who lost jobs and homes, all the people who as a consequence took their own lives or lost their marriages; douchebag). But in the process he forfeited something worse: a sense among most Americans that there is justice for all. That’s far worse.
Enjoy Memorial Day weekend in the Hamptons, Timmy.
So Norm MacDonald, who has been Twitter-fueling a campaign for himself to become the next host of The Late Late Show after the exodus of Craig Ferguson, appeared on Conan last night. He did a spirited “one-minute audition” that included a clip with Fred Willard, and that was all well and good.
Then Norm went after Oscar Pistorius, saying that he despised the South African sprinter not because he murdered his girlfriend but because that a fundamental requirement to being a sprinter is that you should have legs. Conan: “You realize that no one’s going along with you on this one?”
Norm’s rebuttal was a 3-minute anecdote that ended with a bad pun (“youthful porpoise”), after which Conan stared at him for a long moment and then quipped, “Well, there’s your reel to CBS.”
After a few more addled words by Norm, Conan asked, “You’re done now, right?”
Yes, unfortunately. I think he is.
Hot Heat in Cleveland?
The Cleveland Browns get Johnny Football.
The Cleveland Cavaliers get the No. 1 overall pick.
The Cleveland Indians complete a three-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, who entered the series with baseball’s best record. On a 13th-inning “balk-off.”
For the longest time I thought ESPN’s “Will LeBron Return to Cleveland?” campaign was just a means to generate something for Skip and Screamin’ A. to discuss, but now that the Cavs have another No. 1, this is actually interesting.
Dwyane Wade is aging fast. Chris Bosh is past his prime. As, of course, are Ray Allen and Birdman, Birdman! There’s no youth on that roster that’s indispensable, plus it’s not as if the Heat have a lottery pick headed their way.
Say LeBron wins Miami a third straight title. Tells the city, Thanks, now I’m going to pull a P. Diddy. Returns to a Cavs lineup with Kyrie Irving and Joel Embiid or Andrew Wiggins. Or you trade the No. 1 pick for Kevin Love. Either way, that’s a brighter future.
I can actually see this: Miami plays in its third straight NBA Finals (Spurs win). LeBron thanks his teammates for all the good times, then texts Dan Gilbert, “Let’s Wreck This League!”
5. Mulaney Week (Cont.)!
When people such as Nick Kroll tell you that John Mulaney is the funniest person they’ve ever met, you listen. When Seth Meyers tells you that at times he felt as if he, nine years older, were Mulaney’s little brother, you pay attention.
Here’s the Newsweek piece.
Anyway, here’s another favorite bit: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The self-awareness here, plus the seamless morphing into another character. There’s a lot going on. What John did not know until recently: he actually shares a birthday (August 26) with Macaulay Culkin.
What I did not know until I met John: He had an opportunity to audition for the lead role in the original Home Alone, but his parents nixed it. They didn’t want a child star. Probably a wise move.
Mulaney, by the way, graduated from the same Chicago high school (St. Ignatius) as Bob Newhart. They’re a comedy powerhouse.
Mean Tweets! Yes, Mean Tweets! Starring Sofia Vergara, Matthew McConaughey, Courtney Cox and Ethan Hawke.
CNN 9 p.m.
The Shawshank Redemption
IFC 7 p.m.
Apparently, it’s “Innocent Creatures Kept in Captivity Night” on television, which means I’m going out. Honestly, I can’t stand to watch a film like “Blackfish.” You can pull my nails out; just don’t make me watch cruelty to animals (I hate you, Sarah McLachlan).