Sonny Gray already has a Cooperstown-worthy name.

1. Moneyball 2: Coco Crispier

Say hello (again) to the Oakland Athletics: baseball’s best record (30-16) and its 6th-smallest payroll. The A’s won their 11th game in 12 outings last night, 3-2, despite being one-hit by the Tampa Bay Ray Romanos.

Their best player? Right now I’d go with quasi-rookie pitcher Sonny Gray, the oxymoronic Cy Young candidate who has a 5-1 record and a 2.10 ERA. He’ll be on the mound later today at Tropicana Field.

If Jonah Hill can be involved in a 21 Jump Street sequel, I don’t see why he can’t reprise his role for Moneyball 2. And more Robin Wright scenes this time, please.

2. Steal This Book!

Please pilfer: If apprehended, demand Geithner bail you out.

Former Secretary of the Treasury, but more relevant, former Goldman Sachs honcho Tim Geithner appears on The Daily Show to promote his book. Geithner uses the analogy that while the “arsonists” were on the plane, so were the innocent victims, which is why we had to rescue the plane from crashing.

(Meanwhile, someone at CNN watched this piece and wondered if they should begin searching for the plane)

Host Jon Stewart countered that while some people may be willing to go along with Geithner on this metaphor, they took exception to Geithner, having rescued the arsonists, then “getting them a massage and a steak dinner.”


It wasn’t just that the arsonists were on the plane, Tim. It was that the arsonists were the firemen who burnt down the city. And now they are demanding we buy them a shiny new firehouse and fire trucks.

Did he save the economy from “disaster?” Relatively so, yes (ask all the people who lost jobs and homes, all the people who as a consequence took their own lives or lost their marriages; douchebag). But in the process he forfeited something worse: a sense among most Americans that there is justice for all. That’s far worse.

Enjoy Memorial Day weekend in the Hamptons, Timmy.

3. “Norrrrrrm!”

So Norm MacDonald, who has been Twitter-fueling a campaign for himself to become the next host of The Late Late Show after the exodus of Craig Ferguson, appeared on Conan last night. He did a spirited “one-minute audition” that included a clip with Fred Willard, and that was all well and good.

Then Norm went after Oscar Pistorius, saying that he despised the South African sprinter not because he murdered his girlfriend but because that a fundamental requirement to being a sprinter is that you should have legs. Conan: “You realize that no one’s going along with you on this one?”

Norm’s rebuttal was a 3-minute anecdote that ended with a bad pun (“youthful porpoise”), after which Conan stared at him for a long moment and then quipped, “Well, there’s your reel to CBS.”

After a few more addled words by Norm, Conan asked, “You’re done now, right?”

Yes, unfortunately. I think he is.

4. Hot Heat in Cleveland?

The Cleveland Browns get Johnny Football.

The Cleveland Cavaliers get the No. 1 overall pick.

The Cleveland Indians complete a three-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, who entered the series with baseball’s best record. On a 13th-inning “balk-off.”

For the longest time I thought ESPN’s “Will LeBron Return to Cleveland?” campaign was just a means to generate something for Skip and Screamin’ A. to discuss, but now that the Cavs have another No. 1, this is actually interesting.

Dwyane Wade is aging fast. Chris Bosh is past his prime. As, of course, are Ray Allen and Birdman, Birdman! There’s no youth on that roster that’s indispensable, plus it’s not as if the Heat have a lottery pick headed their way.

Say LeBron wins Miami a third straight title. Tells the city, Thanks, now I’m going to pull a P. Diddy. Returns to a Cavs lineup with Kyrie Irving and Joel Embiid or Andrew Wiggins. Or you trade the No. 1 pick for Kevin Love. Either way, that’s a brighter future.

I can actually see this: Miami plays in its third straight NBA Finals (Spurs win). LeBron thanks his teammates for all the good times, then texts Dan Gilbert, “Let’s Wreck This League!”

5. Mulaney Week (Cont.)!

When people such as Nick Kroll tell you that John Mulaney is the funniest person they’ve ever met, you listen. When Seth Meyers tells you that at times he felt as if he, nine years older, were Mulaney’s little brother, you pay attention.

Here’s the Newsweek piece.

Anyway, here’s another favorite bit: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The self-awareness here, plus the seamless morphing into another character. There’s a lot going on. What John did not know until recently: he actually shares a birthday (August 26) with Macaulay Culkin.

What I did not know until I met John: He had an opportunity to audition for the lead role in the original Home Alone, but his parents nixed it. They didn’t want a child star. Probably a wise move.

Mulaney, by the way, graduated from the same Chicago high school (St. Ignatius) as Bob Newhart. They’re a comedy powerhouse.


Mean Tweets! Yes, Mean Tweets! Starring Sofia Vergara, Matthew McConaughey, Courtney Cox and Ethan Hawke.

 Remote Patrol


CNN 9 p.m.

The Shawshank Redemption

IFC 7 p.m.

Get busy swimmin’, or get busy dyin’…

Apparently, it’s “Innocent Creatures Kept in Captivity Night” on television, which means I’m going out. Honestly, I can’t stand to watch a film like “Blackfish.” You can pull my nails out; just don’t make me watch cruelty to animals (I hate you, Sarah McLachlan).


4 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. If you look at the etymology of the Roman name (St.)Ignatius, it means ‘fire’ or ignite.

    If you translate Ignatius into other languages, the name morphs into St. Iggy in English or St. Nacho in Spanish. 🙂

    With former students like Mulaney and Newhart, I have to believe those Jesuit priests in Chicago had pretty solid stand-up routines.

  2. Whoo-hoo! Back-to-back pics of LeBron (who is, ahem, HOT anywhere)! 🙂 However, I hope & think you’re wrong about LBJ going back to Cleveland next year. Whether or not he wins his 3rd ring next month, I can’t see him going from a VERY stable organization, great coach, great teammates, happy family situation to one of the most dysfunctional & UNstable NBA orgs out there (& uproot the family again). Plus, all those unproven young players, a brand new coach, & an owner who published some nasty, mean things about you after all you’d done for the team during your last sentence, I mean, time there? Yes, D-Wade is on his last legs, Shane is retiring, Ray Allen MAY have only 1 more year left in him, & Birdman probably only has 2-3. Time for Riley to do some wheelin & dealin. I think LeBron will probably take the year option to stay & THEN next year, see what Riley & the Heat can do for the next 5 Year Plan. If it looks like they won’t be able to put together a team that can help him get to rings #4-6, THEN
    he’ll look around. And if the Cavs have improved enough to be a championship contender immediately in 2015-2019, then maybe he’d go back. But Dan Gilbert would have to literally grovel in the dirt AND pay for multiple billboards all over town declaring he, Gilbert, is a pathetic butthole. Hmmm, not sure even then.

    Meanwhile – last night’s game! Who knew Ibaka was more ‘important’ than Westbrook? Lose Game 1 by 17, Game 2 by 35! Ooooh-eeee, that’s a beatdown for sure. I was planning to watch the 2nd half, but when I clicked over & saw the Thunder down by 20, I just couldn’t. HOWEVER, the Thunder should not lose hope! During last year’s Finals, the Heat lost by 36 (77-113!!) in Game 3 & came back to win the next game by 16 on the Spurs court. The Thunder get to play the next 2 games at home! Ok, maybe not easypeasy, but they beat the Spurs 10 of their last 12 games before this debacle. They can do it.

    However, just in case the Thunder have totally lost their mojo, I think the Eastern Conf Finals should be halted & the win given to the Heat on a “technicality”. WHO wants to see the Pacers play the Spurs?! People who like watching the clubbing of baby seals?

  3. And I just watched yesterday’s Mulaney clip – VERY funny! I also just used one of my 5 monthly Newsweek allowances to print out your piece. Will read tonight. I’d not seen him before. Let us know when/where he’ll next appear on TV.

  4. Hey! I’m at the Trop to see Sonny Gray throw a gem — and trail 1-0 in the eighth in an outing that’s downright Samardzija-ish.

    Enjoyed the Mulaney piece in Newsweek. If there had been an IPO on him last year, was all over it. His Weekend Update bit on Girl Scout cookies is my fave.

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