It’s not a vicious cycle, it’s more like a viscous cycle…

1. Not a Happy Cramper

LeBron James had to leave Game 1 of a non-air conditioned AT&T Center with about four minutes remaining and his Miami Irony trailing by two (in the King James Bible, this will become known as his Book of Exodus). They would be outscored 16-3 the remainder of the way without him. And, not only LeBron’s absence but also Danny Green’s marksmanship had a lot to do with that.

Above you see the Krebs Cycle, a.k.a. the Citric Acid Cycle, a.k.a. glycolysis. Now I don’t want to stray above my college pre-med pay grade here, but from what I recall this is your body’s anaerobic metabolic pathway. It kicks in when the aerobic pathway is not getting the job done. The problem is that its byproduct is lactic acid, and when dehydration comes into play, an excess of that lactate leads to the muscles shutting down to, in essence, save themselves.

Most of us have a leg cramp story. For me, I was on Mile 24 of my first NYC Marathon, near the Loeb Boathouse in Central Park, when suddenly I felt as if someone had shot me in the leg –it was in the early ’90s, so I didn’t really think I’d been shot; now, though, I wouldn’t be so sure. I dropped like a stone.

It wasn’t a “This hurts, I’m gonna take a breather” pain. It was an “I’ve been shot” pain. I recall being unable to will myself to walk, at least for a few minutes. But then I adjusted my sports bra and you know, eventually got back in the race. It helped knowing that millions of people were not watching and that tens of millions of dollars were not being wagered on me.

Nobody had it worse than this guy last night…

2. Open Carry, Meet Stand Your Ground

The Beaumont chapter of the Never Getting Laid Society.

As he is wont to do, Jon Stewart exposes the idiocy of  Texans openly toting guns into restaurants and convenience stores. My anecdotal experience with these types of dudes is that they are severely insecure, misogynistic and, worst of all, not at all funny.

3. D-Day Turns 70

Now THIS is the proper application of “open carry.”

In a week where the news has been dominated by fractious partisan bickering (what else is new?) over the Bowe Bergdahl swap and whether this soldier is a deserter or just a POW, there’s absolutely no gray area about the 70th anniversary of what may be the proudest day in U.S. military history: the landing at Normandy.

Here, courtesy of my cousin Maryann –her second MH appearance this week–is then President Ronald Reagan’s speech in commemoration of the day in 1984, the 40th anniversary.

4. You’re Gonna Lose That Girl

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a DEMURE photo of Kate Upton?

Supermodel Kate Upton is dating a pitcher who, after being shelled for five earned runs in seven innings now has a 4.19 ERA. Justin Verlander had a respectable and nearly elite 2.67 ERA when he took the mound in Baltimore on May 14, but since that moment he has surrendered 24 earned runs in five starts and 32 innings. That’s .75 runs per inning, or a 6.75 ERA in that span, if my math is correct (which it may not be).

Verlander was baseball’s most dominant pitcher in 2011, when he won both the AL Cy Young and MVP awards, but he signed his five-year extension, which does not even begin until next season, right around the time of his 30th birthday and just before the start of last season.

The essence: Detroit is into Verlander for $140 million until 2019 and up until his 37th birthday. The question is whether he’ll ever approach being the ace that he was in 2011 again.

Rule No. 28: Never give pitchers above age 30 long-term contracts.

5. A Nack For Prose

A tip of the cap to Sports Illustrated for turning Bill Nack’s elegy on Secretariat, which may be the greatest piece of writing to ever appear in the periodical (penned by its fiercest advocate of the pain it should require to produce outstanding stories), into an inter-web long-form feature. I love this story. Take time to read it as you wait for California Chrome to enter the gate.

P.S. There are almost as many colorful stories involving Bill Nack as there are the entire rest of the masthead combined at SI. If Bill is even mildly interested in a subject, be it horses or literature or war or ladies, then he is PASSIONATELY interested in it. It’s not only that William Nack can recite the final paragraph of “The Great Gatsby” if you ask him to do so. It’s that he can do so in Spanish. Bill Nack is a walking lesson in how to live life.


“Show Me ‘Willing Wiener’!”

Okay, I”m beginning to think that TV game shows have hired extremely savvy viral marketers who create implausible and/or stupid moments just so the web will discover them. Did The Family Feud really run with “Willing Wiener?” That’s not very Family.


Gogo Lidz, daughter of Franz, on super-manager Shep Gordon in Newsweek. I’ve seen the trailer for this doc and it looks like it’ll be a hoot.

Remote Patrol

True Romance 

Sundance 7:30 & 10 p.m.

Pitt, Michael Rappaport, Slater, Arquette

Another cinematic blind spot for yours truly, as I have never seen this early-stage Tarantino flick starring Brad Pitt, Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette. Quentin wrote this before he ever wrote “Reservoir Dogs.” He may have still been working at the video store in the Valley for all I know.

2 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. “Not a Happy Cramper”. “King James’ Book of Exodus.” 🙂 Only YOU can make me laugh as I’m still NAUSEOUS from last night & not due to excitement. Sigh. It had all been going so great! Before the game began, I figured the Spurs would win this one because, heck, it was Game 1 of the Freakin Finals on their own HOME court & my boyz have had a little trouble this year getting all their engines revving at max efficiency in early minutes &/or playoff games. And yet, the Heaters not only stayed right with the Spurs but I thought actually OUTPLAYED them. As the 4th quarter started, I thought we were gonna WIN! And then, duhn-dunh-dunh! To tell ya the truth, the rest of the game was a blur as I was rocking back & forth, moaning on the sofa – ohhhnoo-ohhhhnoo-ohhhnoo-ohhhnoo-ohhnooo – from the second Sweet Pea started cramping. When the game was over, I THEN looked at the score & realized the rest of my guys had COLLAPSED! WTH!

    I guess I’ll have to force myself to watch the final 10 minutes a couple times to see what actually happened. Ugh! My best guess is when LeBron started cramping & had to go out/in/out, the Spurs were like a tired hungry horse who sees the barn door open & NOBODY is stopping said horse from galloping into the barn for some sweet, sweet hay (in this case, a Finals game win). Yeah well, I grew up on a farm.

    What’s even worse than the loss are the IDIOTIC comments about LeBron’s “toughness” & that the “professional” MEDIA both fans & perpetuates this crap by giving it television/online coverage. I’m assuming none of these idiots have ever had a muscle cramp, as NOONE, not NOOOOO body can “play thru” when it seizes up your muscle like that. You expect the Baylessian reptiles of the world to ooze their slimy disgusting way into the conversation, but leave them in the swamp where they belong.

    And yes, Danny Green SUDDENLY went, er, “green” with his 3pointers in the last 5 minutes, but WHO was not on the court to stop him? Did he even play the 1st 3 quarters?

    Also, I don’t remember anyone giving Tony Parker grief last week when he missed almost the entire Western conf final game with an “ankle injury”. Maybe playing in Europe makes one “used” to no AC, but it must also WEAKEN ONE’S ANKLES….

    And seriously – snakes in the visitor’s locker room & now, a “nonfunctioning” AC unit? Who is in charge of that arena’s MAINTENANCE?

  2. I got more. 🙂

    If I was a Spurs fan, I’d be apoplectic today that my team was on their way to LOSING Game 1 of the Finals on our own HOME court until LBJ had, er, cramped out. The Spurs seem to be the pick of at least 80% of the sports media/”experts” with some even suggesting the Heat “couldn’t stay on the court” with the Spurs in this year’s Finals. Ironically, that last part came true but NOT the way they envisioned!

    As a Heat fan, I’m distressed that our other guys mostly collapsed when LBJ went out. The last time I saw that many points scored by ONE team in what seemed the final 9 seconds (ok, was really 4 or so minutes in this game apparently) was Duke-Carolina when I was a kid (the game that instantly made me an ACC basketball fanatic). And while D-Wade had some great moments, all those months of SAVING his knees did NOT pay off when the team needed him most in that game. You know, all season I’ve been worried that LBJ had been forced to carry too big of a load for too long. I hope last night was just the heat/no air flow & resulting dehydration/cramping & not his body finally breaking down due to that load.

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