Frank N. Stein

1. Gone Ghoul

Katie’s right. Halloween…Thanksgiving…Christmas. How do you not love this time of year? I’ll say this, though, having lived part of my life in the Arizona desert and parts in the Midwest and Welcome to New York City. This holiday stretch is so much more awesome in lands of four seasons and leaf-peeping, etc. It’s as much better than any place such as Florida, Texas, Arizona or Southern California as the following three months (January, February, March) are that much worse.

Except for Texas. Which always kinda blows.

ANYWAY…Random Halloween thoughts: It is cool that a team with Halloween colors wins the World Series this week (We’ll see you again in 2016, San Fran)…my experience, and only because I don’t wear Sexy Nurse Costumes, is that most Halloween costumes are detrimental to one’s peripheral vision. I’m glad the lawyers haven’t yet figured out a way to litigate us straight out of the fun of this date…If you’re a household, be the household that serves up Snicker’s, Nestle’s Crunch, Three Musketeers or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups…You HAVE to wear a costume. You cannot, as my big brother’s friends used to do when they got to their teenage years, just knock on people’s doors with a pillow sack in your hands. That makes you a panhandler, which, okay, may technically be a “costume,” but at least wear some home-fashioned cardboard shoes…

Sorry, Florida. We have this right now…You’ll win come January.

How to Make a Scary Movie:

1) Make it in black-and-white.

2) Never actually show splatter. The threat of something terrible happening is always scarier than the actuality of it happening.

3) Fog. (Humidity isn’t really that scary on its own)

“The next act is late. Can you just vamp for a bit, Bela?”

4) Cast Bela Lugosi or Boris Karloff.

2. Cansu Usta

Cansu (pronounced “John-Sue”) is a net-wrecker.

I know: It looks as if you’re looking at your Scrabble pieces, but it’s actually the name of a freshman female soccer player who scored 36 goals in just 16 games this season. Usta, the daughter of Turkish immigrants, lives in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn and shares a bedroom with her two younger sisters. Every day she has a 50-minute one-way commute by subway to the campus of St. Joseph’s College in Brooklyn.

But, once she arrives, Usta does nothing but score goals. She’s had a pair of six-goal games (double hat tricks?) for her Division III school. A five-goal game. A pair of three-goal games. I have yet to see her play a game in person, and it was funny that on the day I went to watch her practice earlier this week the field that the Bears were using had no goals. “Yeah,” the SID told me later, “we were hoping you wouldn’t notice that.”

No male or female, Division I, II or III has scored more goals than Usta. If she were to continue this pace, she’s shatter the NCAA career goals mark for men (137) or women (135).

3. They’re In

Nice uniforms, though, Cards. I’d keep these as your primary unis going forward.

When Florida State tight end Once Upon a Midnight Dreary/As I Pondered Nick O’Leary pulled that suplex move on the Louisville defender who intercepted Jameis Winston’s pass, it was a symbolic gesture. It was Tomahawk Nation telling all of its critics, this one included, that they don’t care about all the investigations or barbs because guess what: Florida State is taking one of those four playoff dance cards.

FSU trailed 21-0 late in the second quarter last night to the Fighting Bobby Petrinos in Louisville and if you look at their schedule, this game was their last real test. And so what do they do but outscore the Cardinals, with The Greatest looking on, 42-10 the rest of the way.

The Seminoles do not leave Florida again until the ACC Championship game in Charlotte. They have Virginia in Tallahassee, then head down to play The U, then Boston College and The UF back in Doak Campbell. Will this November be quieter than last November? Will it matter? The Noles are going to the playoff. Deal with it.

4. Flori-Duh: Wheelie Poppin’ Daddies

When he passes you on the interstate, just remember, He’ll be dead soon.

Florida man pops wheelies on motorsickle on I-95 north of Miami to impress female motorist, loses control, crashes into light pole, sails over retaining wall onto street below and dies. You never disappoint us with your imagination, Florida.

In the latest statistics revealed, 2012, there were 425 motorcycle fatalities in Florida alone. Nationally, 4,957 motorcyclists were killed in 2012. Which is kinda worse than that whole Ebola scare. Maybe there should be a Harley Davidson scare?

5. No, It’s “Gor-DON”

This dude could never have scored on an inside-the-park home run.

Okay. There’s no way you send Alex Gordon, who was already looking a little tired by the time he arrived at 3rd base, on Wednesday night. Why do people even debate this? Easy. Just think of the craziness of it: two outs, bottom of the ninth, Game 7 of the World Series, and you potentially score the game-tying run on an inside-the-park (error-aided) home run!?!?!

We’d have had to create an entirely new Level of Rule 27-dom for that one (for the newbies: Rule 27 dictates that in any baseball game there’s the chance to witness something you’ve never before seen, or even conjured).

Here’s the more intriguing wrinkle to me than Gordon going and beating the cut-off throw to the plate, which only happens if the Giants sub in 50-Cent at shortstop: Gordon runs and is ruled safe because Buster Posey is blocking the plate. And so what we’d have is not only Rule 27 but also a Great Moment in Irony, since the rule about blocking the plate was a direct result of the horrific knee injury Posey himself suffered a few years back. Now THAT I would have loved to see.

The other reason we –or Royals fans cannot let this go? Because, like with most tantalizingly torturous sports moments, there are so many what ifs as well as bizarre moments:

–WHAT IF Gordon had flown out of the box instead of watching the path of the ball?

–WHAT IF Juan Perez had bobbled the ball a second time?

–WHAT IF it had been one of K.C.’s speedsters, Lo Cain or Jarred Dyson, who had hit that same ball?

–WHAT IF Gregor Blanco had kept charging and dived? Might he have caught it and made arguably the greatest final out in World Series history?

And then there’s the fun stuff: Madison Bumgarner raising his arm in victory as Posey runs toward the mound. Too soon, fellas. Blanco’s boner. Perez, in the most critical moment of his career, taking his eye off the ball as he goes to pick it up and booting it with his hand.

Great drama. You couldn’t have scripted it any better.

Buuuut….anyone who watched the A’s-Royals wild card game knew that the following batter, Salvador Perez, is unable to lay off bad pitches. And yet, he did have the game-winner against the A’s in extra innings. So if you were Ned Yost, what would you have done?


His next move? Owner of a Williamsburg bicycle shop/farm-to-market bistro

Did not get to this earlier in the week, but arrogant hipster farm-to-market cannibal butcher Gareth got his just desserts (and it wasn’t someone’s hamstring) on Walking Dead. Now we must debate which is your less favorite Gareth, him or the assistant (to the) regional manager at Wernham Hogg, Gareth Keenan?

Brave vet of the Territorial Army…



I love Dave. I love Taylor. I love that they love each other. Here’s their Smitten-fest from earlier this week.


LAKE Effects: The EKG-like chart of one stock, Lakeland Industries, maker of Haz-mat suits, during this Ebola-crazed month:

October 6: $8.50

October 13: $29.40

October 29: $11.35

October 30: $16.10



Shoot, Kobe, Shoot! My advice to the Black Mamba for the 2014-15 season. And now that serial chucker Russell Westbrook is out 4-6 weeks, the early lead for the scoring title is within his grasp.

Remote Patrol

Night of the Living Dead

TCM 8 p.m.

“We know you’re home, and we want some candy!”

Lots of scary offerings on this evening (Halloween, Silence of the Lambs, Amityville Horror, The Shining, Michael Feinstein at the Rainbow Room), but let’s go with this 1968 indie that did more with less. This is the film that kicked off the zombie phenomenon and it’s also, seen another way, the worst invasion of trick-or-treaters ever.

5 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HALLOWEENING!

  1. OK, my heart tells me that Florida State can still lose, but my mind differs quite substantially.

    I missed the game last night (hey, my brother made it to the State playoffs!), but it just seems odd to me how FSU puts themselves in these positions. To me, good teams have a tendency to relax in games like this. But, with FSU, I just think it is product of their skillset. They just aren’t the same team from a year ago.

    The dilemma for CFB fans is as follows:

    If FSU were to make it, many would bicker about their performance throughout the year. Some justified, some probably not so. Unless FSU draws a Big 12 team in the CFP, I think many would agree that FSU would not be favored against the likes of Oregon (i think?), Alabama, Auburn, etc.

    But, here’s the thing: Florida State makes things exciting. No matter how they play, it’s important to remember that Jameis Winston is still their starting quarterback. His off the field issues will always be in discussion, as they should be. But, the kid (ha. He’s exactly a year older than me) can flat out play ball.

    To get to my point, I don’t think it is in the best interest of the College Football community to not want FSU in the playoff. Sure, root against them. But the stories would be galore. That’s what we want, I think. Excitement and anticipation is college football, is it not?

    I gotta go to class. Where are you, Susie?

  2. Apparently, you missed this & it’s certainly understandable as the media BARELY said a thing, but LeBron James went home to Cleveland & LAST night was their 1st game of the season! I KNOW, you’d think the media would SAY something about this the past week or 3 months. Argh. Between your future wife’s “Occupation” of NYC & Sweet Pea’s “I’m Coming Home, yadda, yadda ,yadda” Midwestern stand it’s a toss-up who hogged TV airtime more the past 7 days. Anyhoo, people can make excuses all they want (“it was such an emotional night”, “crippling pressure to perform in a once-in-a-lifetime-event”, etc) but the fact is Geraldo & Al Capone’s tomb is FINALLY off the hook for all-time televised THUDS. Geezelouise, Sweet Pea looked the same but he played UNRECOGNIZABLY! (word?) And then there was that Nike commercial – not just emotional manipulation but MONETIZED manipulation! Sure, I got a bit teary myself when I saw it. Why? Because I’m a pathetic sap! Now the Beats commercial, well, I can’t even pretend to hate that. 1st, because I like the music but mostly because LeBron is SHIRTLESS in at least 90% of the thing. Come on, that’s not fightin’ fair! I don’ think Cavs fans should reach for the arsenic just yet, but that “team” ( I’m using the word loosely) has got some improvin’ to do.

    Personally, I haven’t yet recovered from the heart-stabbing, tear-producing horror where victory was viciously YANKED from our grasp in the ND-FSU game. The TV game commentators & other CFB “experts” can opine all they want that it was “the right call” but crap, I STILL can’t believe it. BTW, FSU – do they not qualify as an all-time “cluster-*” college football team? That ND alum should have cranked out a couple thousand more “Catholics vs Convicts” t-shirts for that game…

    About Rene, er, I mean Bugs. When I 1st saw the photo, I thought she must have been in a horrific car accident & plastic surgery can only do so much. Seriously, did her doctor think she wanted to enter the Witness Protection program? But hey, if you want to change your looks, I’m all for it, but if you are a public figure, do NOT insult the public by denying it. You sound like self-absorbed, hoity-toity ass.

    About the College Football Playoff’s 1st Top 25 list. (BTW, did you hear Greeny’s admonishment of people using the word “playoffs” the other morning? Made me laugh – reminded me of you & the Olympics “Opening Ceremony”.). I’m not gnashing teeth yet but Ohio State basically has NO chance to get into the Top 4 UNLESS Ebola (had to get that in here somewhere) wipes out at least 5 teams above them. As for Notre Dame – here’s what I don’t get (ok, one of many) – BEFORE the season, I heard & read about ND having one of the season’s “toughest schedules”. So, how come we’re now more than halfway thru the season & they apparently “haven’ t played ANYbody except FSU” & that’s why they are down in 10th?

    Alrighty, one final thing – a very happy, albeit much belated, birthday wish for the Phabulous Phyllis! Loved what you wrote. And in a weird coincidence, my Dad shares your Mom’s birthday. He turned 90. I will always think & “see” my Dad as around the age of 39, a combination of John Wayne, Paul Newman & Dean Martin (Dad’s hair was similar & he could sing – was in the church choir EVERY Sunday for more than 6 decades). And yes, he was the best damn hybrid-corn seed farmer & “animal whisperer” in not just the mighty-fine state of Maryland but in the 4-state area where one can drive among in a half hour if one possesses just a bit of a leadfoot & knowledge of the roads in our county: MD-PA-VA-WVA). My dad was also a multi-time state champion and runner-up in MD’s state sport from about the late 40’s to late 60s & when I was very young, my sisters & I would sit on a fence & watch our dad practice, whooping & hollering as he galloped by. I long ago realized that watching him in those years is at least partially responsible for my lifelong love of sports. Als0- that’s two MORE October babies! OCTOBER RULES!

  3. Welcome back, Susie B. I was about to send out The Intern to search for you. And stop trying to fix up your dad with Phyllis! It ain’t happenin’.

  4. My mom would probably object too. However, if Phyllis really LOVES to clean, I think my mom could be convinced to be a “sister wife”.

    I was on a self-imposed Time-Out. Apparently, one can have a Tipping Point about an issue that one does not even know she/he has & when that “point” is tipped, KABOOM!

    “And so I’m back
    From outer space
    Been walking & moping around these past 2 weeks
    With a sad look upon my face”

    I “survived”. But barely. And like LeBron, I’m “back home”! Hopefully, my “1st game back” was more successful than Sweet Pea’s. 😉

    Oh, & don’t you think the “Nick O’Leary is Jack Nicklaus’ grandson!” & “Joe Schmidt was a former walk-on, now ND star!” is this year’s version of “Riley Cooper is Tebow’s roommate!”? I count & laugh every time I hear them on the telecasts.

    Happy Halloween to all!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *