by John Walters

Starting Five

The suspects are from five different gangs, but now they all wear the same colors…

 1. Sons of Sons of Anarchy

Nine dead and 192 arrested after five biker gangs basically reenact the network affiliate melee from Anchorman at a Twin Peaks breastaurant in Waco, Texas. Don’t fear, David Koresh: your record still stands.

Some women who look like this will soon be unemployed….

Word is, the entire fracas started over a parking spot in the mens’ room (the parking spot wasn’t in the men’s room, silly) and much of the fighting took place inside,

2. @POTUS Arrives

So, apparently, the president of the United States got his own Twitter account on Monday and began tweeting. This is a real thing. “Hello, Twitter, it’s Barack. Six years in and they’re finally giving me my own account.” 

Granted, it’s not, “Watson, come here” but it is a landmark moment in politics and communication. I’m assuming that @realDonaldTrump has already blocked him.

Cue Sean Hannity wondering why the Commander in Chief is wasting his time on social media instead of defeating ISIS.

 3. What’s Next? “Norman D Invasion” for Oklahoma Football?

Behold , today’s Daily Harrumph. While I completely understand the furor (wanted to be sure I spelled that word correctly) over the production and sale of this T-shirt by Under Armour — a company whose very name commodifies sports as combat — why is this any worse than a college team donning “Pro Combat” gear before a game? Or camouflage unis?

Doesn’t all of it have the same effect: trivializing war?

4. Sylvan Sunday Splendor

Spent part of Sunday afternoon tramping around the 1,137-acre Minnesota Landscape Arboretum, which is probably a lot like what heaven looks like, if there is one. Thought for the day: Go outside and play. Feel cold. Feel hot. Feel exhausted. Feel a little bit scared. Feel lost. Just…feel.

We live in an age where people think that easier and more comfortable is better. Occasionally, yes. But as a highest goal in all things, it’s a terrible life strategy.

5. 12 Angry Men, One Funny Schumer

If you missed this, Amy Schumer rounded up a sausage-fest of talent to shoot a 12 Angry Men parody in black-and-white. The accused? Schumer. The case? Whether or not Schumer is hot enough to be on basic cable TV. The episode-long bit featured Dennis Quaid, Jeff Goldblum, Paul Giammatti (excellent as usual, doing his Pig Vomit mien) John Hawkes, Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell) and Nick DePaolo, the last one truly playing it straight and dramatic (and furious). If nothing else, the bit introduced the term “reasonable chub” into the lexicon.

Warning: NSFP.

Music 101

Get Together

You hold the key to love and fear/All in your trembling hand/Just one key unlocks them both/It’s there at your command

Before they were a pair of starters on some terrific Los Angeles Ram defenses* of the early 1970s, The Youngbloods reached No. 5 on the Billboard charts in 1969 with this tune. They’d originally released it two years earlier and it never climbed higher than 62. Who can figure taste? This remains one of the signature songs of the Sixties.

Talking Jack and Jim Youngblood, of course. Not really musicians. Nor relatives. The former was a seven-time All-Pro, though, and is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The latter was pretty damn good himself.

Remote Patrol

Late Show

CBS 11:35 p.m.

Surprise. What did you expect? The show’s finale is tomorrow night — Helen Slater takes Dave to an encounter group — but tonight is the final show with a guest and of course it’s the same man who was there with Dave from the very beginning: Bill Murray. One of the many things I love about Dave is that he appreciates Murray as much as he does, and obviously the feeling is mutual.

And if you missed Norm Macdonald’s send-off to Dave on Friday night, here it is.

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