by John Walters

Starting Five

Alex Morgan, Sepp Blatter, and a French actor who was once considered tres sexy (about 2,00 croq monsieurs ago)

1. Fee, FIFA, Foe, Fumble

Last week: U.S. soccer goddess Alex Morgan reveals that FIFA president Sepp Blatter had “no idea who I was” when this picture was taken and she was one of three women up for the World Player of the Year Award.

This week: the U.S. sends out an indictment that leads Swiss officials to raid FIFA’s offices and arrest six high-ranking members of FIFA (but not Blatter) on charges of corruption, racketeering and, I assume, flopping.

The 2018 World Cup is scheduled for Russia. The 2022 World Cup is scheduled for Qatar. Here’s hoping at least the latter Blatter venue is scrapped.

2. Dewey Defeats Harden

The Cavs overcame the cover jinx last night. And the Warriors probably will do the same tonight.

Before either conference finals series is put to bed, SI puts Cleveland’s LeBron James and the Warriors (see: bold print) on its cover for this week. This could be the first SI cover jinx in my memory that jinxed a team before it even played in the series SI was touting.

A motivator for the cover, besides the fact that LeBron sells on the newsstand, is that senior editor Mark Bechtel is from Cleveland and senior writer Chris Ballard hails from the East Bay.

Meanwhile, a senior editor who oversees hockey is probably wondering what more exactly the NHL has to do this spring to make the cover.

3. The Oakland E’s

Take cover in the first five rows: Marcus Semien leads the majors in Errors with 17. The A’s have committed 50 Errors, while the next worst team in baseball has committed 40.

If you’re taking stock, the Oakland A’s no longer have….

A.) Yoenis Cespedes.

B) Jon Lester, who was the reason they jettisoned Cespedes

C) The best record in baseball, as they did last July 31 (66-41) but rather now have the worst in the American League (17-31).

As Cespedes, now with the Detroit Tigers, said earlier this week, ” (Former A’s pitching coach Ariel) Prieto would tell me Oakland is a place where they develop players, then let them go.

“Then, why operate?” asked Cespedes. “Don’t they want to win a championship?”

I believe I’ve heard someone wonder that before

The funny thing is, Oakland’s pitching and hitting is in the top third in baseball. Its fielding, however, is A’trocious, as the A’s have committed 50 errors, or 25% more than the next-worst ball club, which has committed 40.

Every game in Oakland is a giveaway day.

4.  Comic-Car

Jerry. Elaine. Coffee. “Don’t you two realize you belong together!?!”

“If they were really doughnut holes, wouldn’t the bag be empty?”

That’s gold, Jerry!

The sixth season of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee premieres soon, with guests Jim Carrey, Stephen Colbert, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Steve Harvey, Bill Maher and the next Jon Stewart, whatever his name is. Here’s the teaser/trailer.

I think we all know what the series finale will be: a fiery crash involving our host and the chairman of Crackle, Dick Corcoran.

5. Lettermania

A new recurring item in which we pay tribute to Dave. You got a problem with that?

Here’s Howard Stern on Late Night in October of 1984. Probably his second appearance.

Also, intern Caroline Schaper, 22, wrote two of the final 10 jokes for the final Top 10 List. If you look at her Twitter feed, you can sense a sharp sense of humor…

Music 101

One Hand In My Pocket

I’m high but I’m grounded/I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed/I’m lost but I’m hopeful, baby

In the summer of 1995 Jagged Little Pill exploded on radio (and on the MTV), making an international star of 21 year-old Canadian Alanis Morissette and practically kick-starting the Lilith Fair era. The first hit, You Oughta Know, was a nasty kiss-off to Joey from Full House (really) and the third hit, Ironic, got everyone debating on the true meaning of the word –no it’s NOT like rain on your wedding day. Thank God Twitter was not around at the time.

The second hit, Hand In My Pocket, was always my favorite. Also, its lyrics actually featured multiple examples of irony. Isn’t THAT ironic?

Remote Patrol

Game 6: Ducks at Blackhawks

NBC Sports 8 p.m.

Citizen Kane: tonight on NBC Sports

Granted, this will likely go into overtime — there have already been six OT periods in the first five games. So feel free to watch Game 5 of the Rockets-Warriors first (ESPN, 9 p.m., or 6 p.m. locally at tipoff — enjoy that rush hour traffic, GSW fans) first or the Airplane! marathon on Encore!

2 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. 5 STRAIGHT NBA FINALS! Whoo-hoooooo! FIVE! F-I-V-E! And altogether, that’s 6 of his 12 pro years, so he’s been in the Finals HALF of his professional life. Swwwwweeeeet!

    And the LAST time somebody accomplished this herculean feat was…..1960s era Celtics! So, basically in the NBA’s “pre-modern era”. Come on, even YOU have to admit it’s pretty damn AWESOME. Plus, LeBron did this with 2 different cities’ teams & 3 different team personnel. BACK-TO-BACK. NO ONE has done THAT before!

    As for SI – it’s about TIME they wrote something about LBJ & the Cavs in the actual magazine during these playoffs. I figured they were waiting till the Cavs either made it into the Finals or lost in the playoffs & they would spin their stories accordingly. And when the Hawks lost 2 straight Eastern Conf Final games at HOME, spin#1′ s time had come”.

    And as for the Finals themselves – I’m expecting the opponent to be the Warriors & everyone seems to be saying they will win in a cakewalk. Hmmmm, I don’t know, but I did read last week that “Mercury is in retrograde” till mid-June & apparently that means all kinds of crazy sh*t happens. Let the games begin! 🙂

  2. FIFA – either the arresting officials don’t quite understand the necessity of “cutting the head off the snake” or they’re planning/hoping to turn at least half the arrested to spill on Blatter. Otherwise, it will be an EPIC FLOP.

    Meanwhile, I’m assuming all the top level women soccer players of the various countries who are livid they will have to play on artificial turf & not natural grass for this summer’s World Cup have been texting/emailing Blatter all day – “your ass is grass!”. KARMA.

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