by John Walters

Happy 58th, Marge Gunderson….

Starting Five

Rap City in Blue

1. Mora Money, Mora Problems

The score after P. Diddy allegedly assaulted UCLA strength & conditioning coach Sal Alosi following a Bruin training session on Monday afternoon: Reality 1, Ballers 0.

Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory has now been replaced by Sean Combs with the kettlebell in the coaches’ offices. And now what does Justin Combs, a 5’7″ red-shirt junior defensive back who rarely sees playing time anyway do? Transfer? Stick around? We are all just lucky Suge Knight has no sons who play football.

2. Gone Girl!

It’s so refreshing to profile a fast woman who’s not currently appearing as The Bachelorette

That’s Candace Hill, whose 100-meter time, unlike Nigel Tufnel’s amplifier, does not go to 11. Last weekend Hill, who just finished her sophomore year at Rockdale Magnet  School for Science and Technology in Conyers, Ga., ran a 10.98 in a meet in Seattle. She becomes the first U.S. high school girl to run a sub-11.00 100.

Letting her hair down

To put Hill’s feat into perspective, that time would have won an Olympic gold medal in every Games prior to 1984. Moreover, Hill has a weighted 4.50 GPA in high school. Meet America’s next great sprinter.

3. The Time of Your Lifetime

A Deadly Adoption: The Sharknado of summer 2015

With lines such as “Please don’t make me shoot you again!”, the Lifetime movie A Deadly Adoption earns the network’s Mother, May I Sleep With Danger seal of approval. The gag here is that it stars Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, who play the entire script straight. The funniest aspect of the entire film is that they never once wink at the camera to share the joke.

Okay, was it as funny a collaboration between the two as this was? And was there a scene in which they cut to Tommy Lee Jones not being amused?

Here’s Rolling Stone’s list of their 10 favorite Lifetime movie tropes that the film adhered to. Spoiler Alert on speed dial.

4. Jim Class

Carrey, Coffee, Comedy

One of my true life heroes, Jim Carrey, is the current guest on Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. It’s not so much about his comedy; it’s more about Carrey’s “get-it” factor in terms of his approach to life. Stay tuned to the end when he brings Jerry to his art gallery.

Best exchange comes early when Carrey tells Seinfeld that he used to own a McLaren, but that he found it to be too much car for him. “Now I drive a Tesla,” the environmentally aware Canadian tells his automobile addict host.

“I like burning things,” Seinfeld tosses out offhandedly.

“And we love breathing what you’re burning, baby,” Carrey retorts.

It’s extremely rare to see Seinfeld encounter an intellectual equal, but he has done so here.

5. Where Every Night Is Caucasian Heritage Night

Diversity Night in Orem: Blonde AND brunette!


It reads like an article from The Onion. The Orem (Utah) Owlz, a Rookie League minor league baseball team, schedule a “Caucasian Heritage Night” and claim it’s a joke. You know, they’ll serve sandwiches on Wonder Bread and air clips from Friends. 

Except that, I mean, have you ever been to Orem? The people are whiter than the bases. So the joke sort of falls flat. It’s like Miami Beach hosting a “Cheeseball D-Bag Night.”

The team’s media relations director, Joey Zanaboni (sure, he’s from Orem), stepped down after only two weeks on the job when the team refused to relent on holding such a night. Then, after the web went all nutso about it, the Owlz have since canceled the promotion.

So Joey was right. Take heart, Joey. You were never meant for Orem (2 to 1 odds he attended either Fordham or Seton Hall). Continue westward to Vegas where your cousin Sal already has that job lined up for you parking cars at the Tropicana.

Although, as someone noted in Comments, claiming that you’re not racist after coming up with an idea such as Caucasian Heritage Night would seem like a fundamental aspect of a Caucasian Heritage Night.

Music 101

Romeo and Juliet

You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin/Now you just say Romeo oh yeah you know I used to have a scene with him.

Long before Taylor Swift placed Shakespeare’s most storied couple in a song, Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits did so. This band always got respect, but it never got the love it deserved until a later album, Brothers In Arms, was released in the summer of ’85 and Money For Nothing ruled the airwaves. But a lot of the Knopfler loyalists consider this tune from 1980 to be his magnum opus: don’t let the tepid applause from the studio audience from Fridays dissuade you. That was not the crowd to appreciate this tune; it’s a more Unplugged type of ditty.

Remote Patrol

Jimmy Kimmel Live

ABC 11:35 p.m.

All the years Hamm waited tables in L.A. thinking to himself, How does a guy THIS handsome not find work? Think about that, A.J.

A few weeks ago I finally got around to subscribing to NetFlix (you win, Katie) and the only TV I’ve watched in that time, practically, are old episodes of Mad Men (I saw at most 20% of the first four seasons). And so my gast is flattered by just how compelling a character Don Draper is (yeah, I knew, but I didn’t really know, you know what I mean?).

So? Well, I love Jon Hamm because while playing one of the most intriguing characters in TV history, he seemed to have never taken himself too seriously. In an exit interview with the New York Times after the season finale, Hamm noted that the last time he saw his cast mates, he told them, “See you all on The Love Boat.

Anyway, Hamm makes what is as far as I know his first public TV appearance since the end of MM tonight with Jimmy Kimmel. Not that I’ll see it live, but maybe one of you can tell me about it.


8 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. Is it that the “RICH” are very different or just parents with college kids that are also “student athletes”? When I was a college student, I canNOT imagine ever having or allowing anyone in my family to even SPEAK to one of my professors or my campus bosses (I had a 4 year on-campus job/workship that pre-paid my room & board each year; in effect, I was “indentured” each semester to the university) about me, let alone have one fight one of my battles (figuratively or in this case, literally). Or maybe times have changed. Is this commonplace now that Mommy or Daddy get this “involved” in their kids’ college life/success/failure? I guess it’s not farfetched to imagine that a “master of the universe” type wants control & power over what they see as an extension of themselves. And people wonder why huge “family” fortunes rarely last more than a generation or two.

    Anyhoo, Tesla. Remember last week when you briefly mentioned your summer job pay of around $900 for a mere 2 days/nights work? And all without having to remove your clothes to music (I’m assuming)? Well, let’s say 2 years ago, you SAVED all that summer’s non-IRS-disclosed moola & bought TSLA shares at $50 a pop. My goodness, you’d have about $75,000 now (or more). Cash it in & you could probably buy an actual Tesla. Of course, from what I’ve read, it would probably cost just as much for a parking place in Manhattan?

    Did you watch last night’s USA-COL World Cup match? I was very shocked at the low turn-out in the stands. Maybe because it was a Monday? Or that Edmonton isn’t that large of a city? Or that it was too far away for many Americans to drive all the way up there (as they could for some of the other places)? What I don’t know about soccer could fill one of those Dummy books, but I am worried that our semi-final opponent could be Germany (if we get past China next). Germany has looked VERY impressive every time I’ve seen them. Goodness, the 1st game they had 10 goals, I think! I guess that was against a sub-par opponent, but still. None of the TV “experts” seem to think Team USA has been that good at all so far. I don’t know whether the expectations are too high or we really are underperforming. Any thoughts? I was a bit shocked to see Abby miss her PK, but I suppose that happens from time to time. Maybe she needs to bring back the hairband! 😉 It will seem odd when she’s no longer on the field for a WC or Olympics. I think I read she plans/hopes to be at Rio & then that would be it. It’s not like the USA team doesn’t have other great players but she will leave a hole when she’s gone. Wonder if she’s interested in TV?

    • Susie,

      This is response to your rant about the WWC pregame show yesterday.

      The blonde is Heather Mitts, spouse of AJ Feeley, and former model/soccer player. Not suprising she dressed that way as she was always known for her looks.

      The brunette is Monica Gonzalez, a ND alum, I’m sure she was just trying to keep pace with Heather as it relates to future gigs.

      The German girl is probably done after the tournament.

      • Hi Okerland – I was talking about the 1ST Saturday’s pre-game show, the Opening show for the WWC. And I don’t believe the blonde was Heather, I think it was Leslie Osborne. The two had confused me as I, um, didn’t realize for the 1st few days that they were 2 different people. Hey – I clicked in & out & was mostly obsessed with the NBA Finals at the time! 🙂 Anyhoo, I stand by my critique of their appearance/apparel for that 1st show. In subsequent shows, they both still look attractive, but have toned it down.

        Did you see that 1st show? Tell me – if you see 2 women on a sports show, purporting to be ANALYSTS & they’re wearing 4 inch stiletto heels on a faux-soccer field set, what do YOU think? They looked like those swimsuit/high-heel-wearing gals at a boxing match that trot out after every round holding a card stating the next Round number. That 2 former World Cup players thought that was appropriate attire (& over-the-top hair/makeup for Leslie) for ANY sports show let alone the Opening World Cup coverage is mind-numbing.

        And when you say Ari (“the German girl”) is “done after the Tournament”, are you saying YOU don’t like what she’s bringing to the coverage & thus has no TV future? I’m surprised as I think she’s the best ‘talent’ on that show. And if I was in charge of FOX Sports, I’d sign her to a long deal immediately. And if Fox is stupid (haha, IF) I was NBC-Sports, I’d try to get her onto the ‘Men in Blazers’ show as “special correspondent” as many times as possible.

        And sorry jdubs for bashing an ND alum. If I’d known, I would (ok, may) have been more tactful. I do want to ask YOU as you’ve never had much love for the over-pretty sideline reporter types who often have their jobs SOLELY due to their looks & not their “journalism” knowledge/experience/skills – do you think female sports analysts degrade themselves, other women, AND the sport they cover when they dress up & look like a friggin beauty pageant contestant?

        The Women’s World Cup is the biggest (sole?) female-specific international sporting event that is televised LIVE around the world. It’s a BIG deal. I expected more, ESPECIALLY from former players. On the other hand, professional female athletes are constantly rewarded for their APPEARANCE & not their PERFORMANCE (check highest income for female athletes over the past 3 decades & overwhelmingly, endorsement money goes to the ‘pretty’), so I guess they thought their post-playing careers would be the same. Which for a woman in televised sports is actually sadly quite true. When a female who looks like Brent Musburger (sorry, Brent) has a full-time TV sports gig, then & only then will women be regarded as equals in TV sports.

        • I didn’t see the show but I have seen others so that’s why I guessed.

          What I meant is that chances are Ari is on a tournament contract and when the event is over, she’ll go back to Germany. She may not have aspirations to be a reporter like the other people on set so getting all “gussied” up isn’t for her.

          The other women need to have a post WWC career in either TV or coaching and if they look pretty they can move on to cover other sports (see Andrews, Erin)

          ESPN’s morning SC also has the stiletto issue as often times they do activities with the guests and the female anchor can’t participate because she can’t hold her balance.

  2. OH! And can’t believe you linked one of my fave Dire Straits songs! I commented a few months back about that song & especially one verse that used to make me sigh &/or burst into tears every time – “All I do is kiss you thru the bars of a rhyme, Julie – I’d do the stars with you, anytime.”

    🙂 🙂 CLASSIC! 🙂 🙂

  3. Don’t cry for me, Susie B.-tina. I bought a boatload of NFLX last week. Not that I’d leave the cookoutateria any time soon.

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