by John Walters

Happy 52nd, Alexandra Paul. Talk about living the role: Paul (“Stephanie Holden”) is a certified EMT and regularly does open-water ocean swims of more than 10 miles.

Starting Five

“Would I lie to you/Would I lie to you, honey/Now would I say something that wasn’t true/I’m asking you, sugar, would I lie-ie-ie to you”

1. Suspension of Disbelief of Tom Brady

“The Gronk ate my phone!” is what he should have pleaded. Tom Brady destroys his cell phone on March 6, the very day was to meet with NFL investigators. Roger Goodell says, “See you on October 18 at Lucas Oil Stadium.”

It’ll be a monster weekend of football in the Hoosier State: USC at Notre Dame on October 17, followed by the Patriots at the Colts, the team they deflated against. It’s also the peak weekend of leaf-peeping season in Indiana for my money, not that I have much.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady is doubling down on that honest-face-aw-shucks routine. In fact, he’s all in. We either all owe him a huge apology or he’s a psychopath, at this point.

2. Thank You, Jimmy

In order to kill Cecil, guides lured him out of his protective area, then shined a spotlight on him so that Palmer could shoot him with a crossbow. Cecil lived/suffered 40 more hours before they shot him, skinned him, and took the head. Dr. Palmer, you’re a Grade-A asshole.

So much anger here over the Cecil the Lion murder — I can’t think of anything more evil than killing innocent animals for your personal pleasure, but that’s me — and then Jimmy Kimmel does this wonderful thing on TV last night. Watch as he gets a little choked up at the end of it.

Please boycott Walter Palmer’s dentistry office in Bloomington, Minn. And if you see him at the Caribou Coffee there, please spill your hot coffee on him. I would.

3. Rule No. 7…

Texeira had no hits, no RBI, while Didi Gregorius (above), the weakest hitter in their lineup, had 4 hits and 3 RBI, the most of anyone last night.

…which states, “At any given baseball game you’re likely to see something that’s never happened before.”

I’m not sure if what happened last night in the Yankees-Rangers game in Arlington had never occurred before, but it was rare. Texas led 5-0 after one, and then the Yankees exploded for 11 runs in the top of the 2nd before winning, 21-5.

What I found most curious is that every starter in the Yankee lineup save for one had both a hit and an RBI. The one Yankee who had neither was Mark Teixeira, who is currently in the Top 5 in the A.L. in both home runs (24, tied with A-Rod) and RBI (65).

Notes: It was the Yankees’ second win in the past four days after trailing 5-0. Also, the Rangers did not have a hit after their five-run first.

4. Mother, May I Sleep With Danger II

If only fellow serial killer Wayne Palmer had met the same fate…

Man pays for an escort in West Virginia (just an aside: anyone want to hazard a guess on the quality of escorting services in West Virginia? But I digress…) that he found on The man, Neal Falls, a 45 year-old white drifter (white drifters are the worst, I think the past week has plainly established) shows up at her residence, she opens the door, and he says, “Live or die?”¬†

She gets away, he begins to strangle her and as he does, he puts the gun down. She reaches for it, grabs it, and fatally shoots him.

And now it turns out that he may have been a serial killer.

How is this story not exploding everywhere? The big question, besides how many women he may have killed, is whether Lifetime grabs this or if it goes to big-screen theatrical release.

5. Twitter Twister

Paul has been a vegan since age 14 and has twice done the Hawaii Ironman. She gets a second photo.

Great product/service, poor management. That’s Twitter, which reported second-quarter earnings yesterday. It’s an open secret that the company is up for sale, and when that happens the stock price should soar at least 10%. But it was wise to avoid it of late, as it’s a wildcard in terms of the fickle nature of investors.

To wit, Twitter (TWTR) actually beat earnings estimates and briefly soared more than 6% in after hours trading (from $36.54 to about $39, but then it did a complete 180 and is now down more than 10% from its closing price in pre-market trading, at $32.46).

Someone will buy Twitter, and soon. It’s too good and too simple a product/service to not be a success. I’d definitely buy it if dips below $30. Maybe even dip the toes in at $32.

Music 101

You Take Me Up

A lot of good songs on the Thompson Twins’ 1984 album, Into The Gap, including the title song. “Doctor, ¬†Doctor” and “Hold Me Now” were the hits, but this one is my favorite. This song reached No. 2 in the UK, but only 44 in the USA, because the Brits have better taste than we do. And I chose this band today because I may be meeting a pair of sisters named Thompson tonight (not twins, though) who appear on your TV screen.

Remote Patrol

I checked. Seriously, there’s nothing on. Go outside and look at the stars. Get some exercise. Play a fierce game of Connect Four. Do NOT turn on the television.

One thought on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. In L. Frank Baum’s timeless classic, the Lion desired courage, the Tinman wanted a heart, and the Scarecrow needed a brain. It’s apparent that the #1 most-hated dentist in America possesses none of these traits.

    My vote? Let the Flying Monkeys decide his fate.

    Say hi to Emma Thompson for me! Now there’s a kind heart with ‘Sense and Sensibility’.

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