by John Walters
*The judges will not accept “Miller Time.” It’s lazy. You’re BETTER than that.
If a 3rd-string quarterback could lead Ohio State to the national championship, why can’t one win the Heisman Trophy? Braxton Miller — No. 1 in your programs, No. 3 on the Buckeye depth chart before he was moved to wide receiver — scored on this garjus (Irish brogue) 53-yard run in the third quarter that included a pirouette that left two Hokies whiffing, a de-cleater block by leading rusher Ezekiel Elliott (who had an 80-yard TD run, abetted by holding, on his first carry of the season), a man in a suit in the end zone holing an oversized banana, and a female Hokie fan doing a modified surrender cobra.
Buckeyes 42, Virginia Tech 24 (failed to cover; I feel so much like ESPN now!). Ohio State opens with a W on Labor Day, and its next challenging non-conference game will take place on New Year’s Eve.
2. “Bercoveni, Bercovidi, Bercovici!”
I’ve been waiting nearly nine months to write that headline: Arizona State goes on the road, Michael Bercovici is now the Sun Devil quarterback, and the Sun Devils, clad in their “Desert Ice” uniforms, put the gig ’em to Texas A&M.
Alas, the Aggies’ Myles Garrett was a monster at defensive end and Valley of the Sun natives Kyle Allen — they should name a field after him in College Station — and Christian Kirk hooked up for a 66-yard score in the fourth quarter for A&M to make Arizona State the first Top 15 team to lose this season.
The Sun Devils are now 0-7 all-time versus the SEC.
p.s. Neither Allen nor Kirk (nor frosh No. 2 QB Kyler Murray) were made available to the media after the game. What gives, A&M?
3. The Blindsiders
*The judges will also accept, “Targeting.”
So, I don’t expect John Jay High School out of San Antonio, Texas, to receive many favorable calls the rest of the season. This happened in the waning moments of a 15-9 loss at Marble Falls, and it’s pretty much assault. If any coach on the John Jay staff ordered this hit — literally — he should be fired and banned from coaching in the state of Texas.
If the two safeties (ironic term, that) conspired to do this on their own, they should be banned from ever playing high school football again. Even if the ref was verbally abusive (no evidence of that at the moment, but I haven’t heard either way), there’s just no excuse.
By the way, kids, who’s teaching you how to tackle. Never lower the crown of your helmets. Geez.
4. Week 1 (All The Vines, Please)
A glorious first week of the season, as Josh Rosenrosen completes 28 of 35 for 300-plus in his first collegiate start, Pitt gets a 200-yard rusher (and it isn’t James Conner…one of many outstanding players who will be lost for the season along with Eddie Vanderdoes and Tarean Folston), it’s freshman Qadree Ollison, Notre Dame does its ’78 Cotton Bowl thumping of Texas one score better (then: 38-10; now: 38-3), a Bowling Green linemen flops and plays dead when he loses a shoe on the goal line versus Tennessee, Georgia Tech leads 34-0 after one quarter versus Alcorn State, New Mexico State has its buses ransacked with items stolen during a loss at Florida, Va. Tech tailback J.C. Coleman wears a gold watch during the Ohio State game, Kansas State mimics fellatio during its halftime show, and Brigham Young spoils Mike Riley’s debut as Nebraska coach with a game-ending, 42-yard Hail Mary and Emma and Jezebel and Desdemona pass.
5. Harvey: Danger
Judging from my Twitter feed yesterday afternoon, the Mets were involved in a one-game playoff with the Nats yesterday (if there were just a player who represented a midway point between the two clubs…. a Matz, perhaps) in D.C. But in a way, it was. The Mess entered the series up four games on Washington, and the loser of this N.L. Central race isn’t entering October via the wildcard lane.
So the Mets break a 5-5 tie in the 7th, go on to win 8-5, and are now up 5 games with 25 to play. Ace Matt Harvey gets the start tonight, but the Dark Knight, who has already had one Tommy John surgery, may only start once or at most twice after this before the playoffs begin.
Harvey has pitched 166.1 innings this season, and his agent Scott Bore-us said on Friday that the Mets would be putting him in peril if he exceeded 180 innings (hey, he’s the Dark Knight; he thrives on peril). My guess is that if the Mess leave Washington up at least 5 games, that you won’t see Harvey pitch for at least 10 days and then again not unless the Nats are within three.
See you in September is a song…See you in October is the one Harvey is playing.
Ah, Labor Day is behind us but it’s going to be 93 in the Big Apple today. Time for a wistful Sinatra summer tune as we collect these last golden days of warmth. Ol’ Blue Eyes couldn’t get this song any higher than No. 25 on the Billboard pop chart in my birth year, 1966. Man, was that an SEC West year in music.
The Late Show
CBS 11:30 p.m.
The debut of Stephen Colbert (that’s two French pronunciations in four words) at the Ed Sullivan Theater. “You have to learn how to love to bomb,” Colbert, who lost three family members in a (Sept. 11, but not THAT Sept. 11) plane crash when he was 10, has said. True. What, after all, is dying onstage compared to…dying? I know someone who wrote a feature on CBS’s new host recently.