by John Walters

Happy 58th, Heather Thomas! No, really, we were heading into Spencer Gifts to look at the black-light Iron Maiden posters. Totally.


Starting Five

And there’s Ezekiel Elliott (15), about to jack up Deon Clarke (40) of the Hokies

1. Pirouectsasy*

*The judges will not accept “Miller Time.” It’s lazy. You’re BETTER than that.

If a 3rd-string quarterback could lead Ohio State to the national championship, why can’t one win the Heisman Trophy? Braxton Miller — No. 1 in your programs, No. 3 on the Buckeye depth chart before he was moved to wide receiver — scored on this garjus (Irish brogue) 53-yard run in the third quarter that included a pirouette that left two Hokies whiffing, a de-cleater block by leading rusher Ezekiel Elliott (who had an 80-yard TD run, abetted by holding, on his first carry of the season), a man in a suit in the end zone holing an oversized banana, and a female Hokie fan doing a modified surrender cobra.

Buckeyes 42, Virginia Tech 24 (failed to cover; I feel so much like ESPN now!). Ohio State opens with a W on Labor Day, and its next challenging non-conference game will take place on New Year’s Eve.

2. “Bercoveni, Bercovidi, Bercovici!” 

Bercovici was sacked 9 times, which is even more than Carthage (was sacked by the Romans…I didn’t really need to finish that, did I?)

I’ve been waiting nearly nine months to write that headline: Arizona State goes on the road, Michael Bercovici is now the Sun Devil quarterback, and the Sun Devils, clad in their “Desert Ice” uniforms, put the gig ’em to Texas A&M.

Alas, the Aggies’ Myles Garrett was a monster at defensive end and Valley of the Sun natives Kyle Allen — they should name a field after him in College Station —  and Christian Kirk hooked up for a 66-yard score in the fourth quarter for A&M to make Arizona State the first Top 15 team to lose this season.

The Sun Devils are now 0-7 all-time versus the SEC.

p.s. Neither Allen nor Kirk (nor frosh No. 2 QB Kyler Murray) were made available to the media after the game. What gives, A&M?

3. The Blindsiders

*The judges will also accept, “Targeting.”

So, I don’t expect John Jay High School out of San Antonio, Texas, to receive many favorable calls the rest of the season. This happened in the waning moments of a 15-9 loss at Marble Falls, and it’s pretty much assault. If any coach on the John Jay staff ordered this hit — literally — he should be fired and banned from coaching in the state of Texas.

If the two safeties (ironic term, that) conspired to do this on their own, they should be banned from ever playing high school football again. Even if the ref was verbally abusive (no evidence of that at the moment, but I haven’t heard either way), there’s just no excuse.

By the way, kids, who’s teaching you how to tackle. Never lower the crown of your helmets. Geez.

4. Week 1 (All The Vines, Please)

Coleman had an untimely third-quarter fumble

A glorious first week of the season, as Josh Rosenrosen completes 28 of 35 for 300-plus in his first collegiate start, Pitt gets a 200-yard rusher (and it isn’t James Conner…one of many outstanding players who will be lost for the season along with Eddie Vanderdoes and   Tarean Folston), it’s freshman Qadree Ollison, Notre Dame does its ’78 Cotton Bowl thumping of Texas one score better (then: 38-10; now: 38-3), a Bowling Green linemen flops and plays dead when he loses a shoe on the goal line versus Tennessee, Georgia Tech leads 34-0 after one quarter versus Alcorn State, New Mexico State has its buses ransacked with items stolen during a loss at Florida, Va. Tech tailback J.C. Coleman wears a gold watch during the Ohio State game, Kansas State mimics fellatio during its halftime show, and Brigham Young spoils Mike Riley’s debut as Nebraska coach with a game-ending, 42-yard Hail Mary and Emma and Jezebel and Desdemona pass.

5. Harvey: Danger

Wright went from balletic to operatic as he scored to give the Mets the lead yesterday. He’s the most fun Met to watch since Tug McGraw.

Judging from my Twitter feed yesterday afternoon, the Mets were involved in a one-game playoff with the Nats yesterday (if there were just a player who represented a midway point between the two clubs…. a Matz, perhaps) in D.C. But in a way, it was. The Mess entered the series up four games on Washington, and the loser of this N.L. Central race isn’t entering October via the wildcard lane.

So the Mets break a 5-5 tie in the 7th, go on to win 8-5, and are now up 5 games with 25 to play. Ace Matt Harvey gets the start tonight, but the Dark Knight, who has already had one Tommy John surgery, may only start once or at most twice after this before the playoffs begin.

Harvey has pitched 166.1 innings this season, and his agent Scott Bore-us said on Friday that  the Mets would be putting him in peril if he exceeded 180 innings (hey, he’s the Dark Knight; he thrives on peril). My guess is that if the Mess leave Washington up at least 5 games, that you won’t see Harvey pitch for at least 10 days and then again not unless the Nats are within three.

See you in September is a song…See you in October is the one Harvey is playing.

Music 101

Summer Wind

Ah, Labor Day is behind us but it’s going to be 93 in the Big Apple today. Time for a wistful  Sinatra summer tune as we collect these last golden days of warmth. Ol’ Blue Eyes couldn’t get this song any higher than No. 25 on the Billboard pop chart in my birth year, 1966. Man, was that an SEC West year in music.

Remote Patrol

The Late Show

CBS 11:30 p.m.

The debut of Stephen Colbert (that’s two French pronunciations in four words) at the Ed Sullivan Theater. “You have to learn how to love to bomb,” Colbert, who lost three family members in a (Sept. 11, but not THAT Sept. 11) plane crash when he was 10, has said. True. What, after all, is dying onstage compared to…dying? I know someone who wrote a feature on CBS’s new host recently.

4 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. I only watched one full cf game Saturday & it was your alma mater’s beat-down of the hookless Horns. For most of the game I kept saying out loud – “is Notre Dame this good or Texas this bad?!” You would know more about this, but I think it’s both. Can’t imagine (well, I can) the language used by the Longhorn fan base both during & after that game. In fact, I wonder if Charlie Strong will even be given another year to correct things. As for ND – whoop, whoop, whoop! When Folston was injured, some version of “no, no, nOOOOOOOOO” may have been heard emanating from my abode, but the team kept its golden heads. My only grump, as ever – WHY CAN’T THEIR NAMES BE ON THEIR JERSEYS?!! Sorry, I’m sure you think it’s a grand old tradition or some such rot, but *I* just want to know who did what without having to memorize the damn lineup. Harumpfh!

    As for poor Bercovici, didn’t Penn State’s QB ‘Hackensacked’ go down 10 times?

    I actually missed most of last night’s game (alas), but knew I’d be able to watch a rebroadcast some time this week on BTN. I did guffaw a bit when Cardale turned out to be the starter. Yep, for the past 3 loooong weeks (& more), almost every cf writer/TV talker said J.T. would be the guy, that he was “much more of a leader”. If it’s true that neither player knew who would start until THAT SECOND, I have to wonder how the other guy feels & if it will impact not just his play but others on the team as the season continues. If that kid thought all summer he was going to be the starter, only to have to it snatched away at that exact moment, well, that would be quite soul crushing don’t you think? Still, I think J.T. will see lots of action & will be right there if Cardale falters.

    In other football news, I was surprised, saddened & upset Saturday afternoon to see that Tebow was let go by the Eagles. I tried not to get TOO excited these past months as I have no faith (ironic) that anyone in the NFL would really utilize Tebow correctly but Chip seemed open minded so I let myself get hopeful. I’ve mentioned this before, but the destruction of Tebow’s NFL career over these past 3 years has not just disillusioned me with the NFL but with the college game too. Tebow was THE GUY in the college game for 3 straight years. If not THE best college football player of all time, he is at least one of the top 5. So, how does HE not make it at the next level? What does that say about the college version of football? Or are all the Tebow tinfoil hatters correct in that it’s all a “conspiracy” against “the Christian”? (This is why I can’t read much of the Tebow fan websites as these people drive me batty).

  2. Back again. Just read your Newsweek Late-Night piece & as always, I was entertained. It also prompted a few thoughts. I have always enjoyed reading/listening to smart, witty &/or acerbic folks’ metaphorical ‘marches to the sea’ (at least as long as my name ain’t Savannah) & even though you don’t quite go all scorched-earth on the ‘James Boys’, I won’t be looking for your name any time soon in their programs’ roll call of writers. Let’s see, in your description of the current late-night landscape, you mention “vapid…wasteland…superficiality…cynicism” & sum it all up ever so succinctly with “a lip-sync battle is less than even karaoke, & it’s a perfect metaphor for what late-night talk shows have become in the post-Letterman era : celebrities opening their mouths with no words coming out”. Funny, true & ‘ouch’ for all celebrities & late-night shows. Unlike yourself however, I don’t feel an abiding white-hot hatred for inane TV , I just don’t watch. Plus, if every channel was “cracklin’ good television”, we’d all develop ulcers trying to decide what to watch. So, they’re providing a service. 😉

    Speaking of “cracklin’ good television” or in this case, the opposite – television on crack, why didn’t you do a “march to the sea’ on NBC’s egregious & INANE choice for their Late-Night Rio Olympic host?! Did they ask even the cracklin’ good Mary Carillo? And if she turned them down, the freakin JAMES BOYS (even lip-synching with the gold medalists) would be better choices than Ryan (“my eyes! my eyes!” )Seacrest!

  3. Also, can’t believe YOU missed this in your college football Week 1 roundup but – what player was most ‘likely’ to achieve 233 punt return yards in Game 1? If you’d guessed MD Terp LIKELY was likely, then you win the prize! All us other dumb shmucks would have guessed “not so likely”. Of course, we should have known – he’s always “Likely”. 🙂

  4. Pingback: Opponent Watch: Bedeviled Edition - Her Loyal Sons

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