by John Walters
She likes to kick, stretch, aaaaand kick! She’s Molly Shannon, and she’s fifty. Today.
Steve Patterson is all hat and no cattle, as they say in the Lone Star State, and he was giving the University of Texas a bum steer in Austin. So he’s out after just 22 months as athletic director. The new AD must 1) love Texas 2) be able to schmooze and 3) understand how to be a CEO.
Speaking of burnt orange…
2. NPH: No Problem Hosting
Save for the time Doogie Howser had to do a gynecological exam on his girlfriend — what sadistic writer thought up that story line? — Neil Patrick Harris excels at everything he tries. So was anyone even remotely surprised that Best Time Ever, his live variety show, was actually entertaining? Among other things, he challenged Oscar-winning actress Reese Witherspoon to zip line from a 15-story high crane. Here, watch.
3. All’s Whale That Ends Whale
This happened on Saturday morning in Moss Landing Harbor, Calif., near Monterey. A humpback whale weighing anywhere between 25 and 40 tons breached right in front of a two-person kayak and landed on the front of it.
“It came above us and blocked out the sun, and I think both of us thought that was the end,” Tom Mustill, one of the kayakers, told Outside.
But it wasn’t. Mustill and his friend, Charlotte Kinloch, were both pulled underwater but because they were wearing life jackets, bobbed back up to the surface minus any scathing.
“When it came out of the water, it was like a building grew out of the deep,” Kinloch said. “The forces involved were incredible. We were just being dragged under by the whale.
“The next thing I knew, I was underwater and thinking, ‘How am I not dead?’” Mustill said.
Nature: Still the coolest thing around.
4. Who Is Nolan Arenado?
I didn’t know either, but apparently Arenado, a 24 year-old third baseman for the Colorado Rockies, is tied for the National League lead in home runs (39) and is atop the Senior Circuit in RBI with 111. A third-year player, he has already won two Gold Gloves and once had a 28-game hitting streak.
Last night Arenado hit a game-winning homer in the 16th inning of Colorado’s 5-4 win at Los Angeles — he is from the Newport Beach area.
I should really pay more attention to baseball.
5. Better Than Beckham?
That’s Kris Silbaugh, a wide receiver at Cambridge Springs (Pa.) High School, which is located due north of Pittsburgh near Lake Erie. Silbaugh, who was born without a left hand and who possesses 4.4. speed in the 40, has 38 career catches. His school’s record is 57. He is already the school’s all-time leader in receiving yardage (915).
Hold On, I’m Comin’
That’s one badass horn intro and two badass vocalists: Sam and Dave. Live, 1967. Yeah, way too dangerous for the Andy Williams Show. For the record, that’s Samuel Moore (still living) and Dave Prater, the most successful soul duo in history and the pride of Stax Records in Memphis. This song reached No. 1 on the Black Singles chart and No. 21 on the Billboard pop chart.
CNN 8 p.m.
From the (Saint) Ronald Reagan Presidential Library (“Books are for losers”) in Simi Valley, Calif. Is Marco Rubio already toast after provoking #FSUTwitter? Who will be the first candidate to utter the words “Kim Davis?”
Matt Taibbi has some GOP Debate Drinking Game Rules you may want to peruse (unless you’re trying to remain sober).
I sat through a painful sales pitch by a top media intelligence portal yesterday. I was surprised to learn that they are tracking 300 million blogs worldwide.
That said, they assured me that Medium Happy ranks among the top echelon for Taylor Swift searches and on a giggle-per-headline basis. Word.