by John Walters
1. Survive ‘Er
That’s 18 in a row for Serena Williams over Maria Sharapova, who is either the second-best player of this generation or the best not named Williams. I’m not sure if the Sochi native is familiar with Pedro Martinez’s “The Yankees are my daddy” line. Serena advances to the semifinals in Melbourne.
Meanwhile in Las Vegas, The Bachelor guy Ben had to choose between a pair of twins who are Taylor Swift doppelgängers. I’m sure at some point he approached the producers behind the scenes and asked, “Why can’t we just think of them as a matched set?” Eventually he chose Emily—or was it Haley?—or at least he told himself, “Who cares? I can’t tell them apart anyway.” I thought he should have had to been compelled to look whoever was getting dumped in the eye and say her name as he dumped her, but Ben took the coward’s way out (as we all do when we’re dumping one of the two twins we’re hooking up with), placed them on a sofa, and just spat out one of their names (also, to be fair, I was hoping their Paula Dean mom was going to spring a third daughter on him, Hilga).
Anyway, I’m still waiting for Black and or Gay or Ex-Con Bachelor.
2. Amy, You Got Some ‘Splainin’ To Do
Remember last week’s “Amy Schumer Is a Joke Thief” story, which seemed to be walking the tightrope between controversy and nontroversy? Well, apparently there is some meat on that bone, after all, as a video came to public knowledge in which Inside Amy Schumer uses two of the identical gags in a skit that has an identical set-up: a magician gets a woman in the sack for the first time.
The above is from “Reasons Not To Date a Magician,” which aired in 2013. Now look at Schumer’s bit from her show, which aired a year later:
Granted, this is nearly two years old and we’re all just learning about it now. But we are learning about it. Now I’m just wondering who Amy stole Jennifer Lawrence from?
3. Happy Together
They lost in double overtime due to a Troy Daniels 3, but the Sacramento Kings were the story last night in NorCal. DeMarcus Cousins scored 56 points, most in the NBA this season, while Rajon Rondo dished out 20 assists, which tied his own mark for most assists in the NBA this season.
Two relatively dysfunctional players who have found one another and are flourishing. The Cleveland Cavs could learn something from this pair. If I were the Kings, I’d trade for Matt Barnes and either J.R. or Josh Smith (or both) and just go completely rogue.
“I can’t see me loving nobody but you/For all my life/When you’re with me, baby, the skies are all blue/For all my life…”
Oh, and the Dubs beat the Spurs by 30 in what was supposed to be a big game. Steph Curry scored 37 and was pure vintage Steph, who sat out the entire fourth quarter (Pop: “I’m just glad my general manager wasn’t in the locker room cuz it might’ve gotten me fired.”). He’s the most transcendent NBA player since MJ. Because he’s doing things no one else does. You can say he’s just improving on Pete Maravich’s act, and maybe you’re right, but that was 40 years ago. And, unlike, Pistol, his teammates and opponents like and respect him.
The Pistol. Watch and learn. This is for you, Joe Schmidt.
4. Kitten, Please
I love Key and Peele.
I love my kitty.
I love George Michael songs.
I love the 17th Street Blips.
I’ll be seeing Keanu. April 29.
5. Hey Now!
That feeling you get when you realize it has been more than a week since you’ve checked the “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” site and that there’s probably a new episode and comedian.
This week Jerry and his old friend, former University of Arizona electrical engineering student Garry Shandling, figuratively take a trip down memory lane in a Porsche 911. They visit the Comedy Store, where each got their start, and CBS Studios, where Seinfeld and The Larry Sanders Show taped at the same time in the early Nineties.
1. Great line by Shandling on how when people say, “He was in his sixties. He was too young….” that the only thing that can possibly follow is “to die.”
2. Jerry rightly praises Garry for being the progenitor of the sitcom style that was later used by The Office (both versions), Parks & Rec, Community, et al. He was there first for that, though many people forget it. Hey now!
Not For Nothing
Today, a new segment, which we are sure we’ll fail to follow through on (“Where In The World” would we get that idea?), in which we make a plea for something to change, kinda meaning it, but not wanting to ruffle anyone’s feathers too much…
“Not for nothing, but why wouldn’t the Washington Wizards revert to using these vintage Baltimore Bullets unis all the time? They’re SO MUCH better. I got you, Big E.”
The Ballad of Gilligan’s Isle
“A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.” In the Sixties the premises behind sitcoms were so whack (“A talking horse!” “A Martian roommate!” “A Genie who looks like Barbie!” “His mom is a car!”) that often theme songs were entirely devoted to exposition (“The next thing you know/Old Jed’s a millionaire/The kinfolk say, ‘Jed, move away from there!”) (<–By the way, I’m convinced that “The Beverly Hillbillies,” just like “Legally Blonde,” sprang up AFTER someone made the pun and not the other way around).
And hence, this ballad told us the story of how these seven castaways got lost. As opposed to the show Lost, whose theme song no one remembers and which never really explained why or how they got there, from what I hear. Anyway, series creator Sherwood Schwartz co-wrote the song along with George Wyle, and then they hired a folk group, The Wellingtons, to perform it.
Nobody gets the Professor’s odds in real life. Nobody.
In the second season of Gilligan’s Island, the Wellingtons appeared as a shipwrecked rock band named The Mosquitoes (remember, the Beatles were big at the time) and their names were Bingo, Bango, Bongo and Irving.
“Hey, where are their amplifiers and mics?”
“Stop asking so many questions, li’l buddy.”
I can’t recall if any, or all, of them hooked up with Ginger. And I still don’t know why Ginger went on that cruise solo. Did she think it was some sort of Minnesota Viking party boat?
Chicago Med/Chicago Fire
8 p.m. NBC
Chicago Med. Chicago Fire. Not to be confused with Chicago Hope. Or Chicago Sons. Honestly, what does Salt Lake City have to do to get a show named after it? Or Des Moines? Our friend and loyal reader GA suggested Chicago DMV, but don’t laugh. If someone at NBC reads this, they may just green light that. In the meantime, watch The Grinder on Fox at 9:30 p.m. It’s actually decent.