by Katie McCollow
Editor’s Note: This should have run a few days ago, but the MH Grand Editing Poobah dropped the ball. It’s still fresh because, of course, Katie typed it, but my apologies for letting it ripen a few days.
Weeeeelllll, now that the NBA Finals are over, you might possibly be in the market for something to do. But you’ve emerged from your cave blinking, frightened, feeling lost and afraid…there are an overwhelming amount of choices and you’ve forgotten how to enjoy anything that doesn’t involve stuffing balls into things.
Lucky for you, I have some suggestions to keep you occupied before the ’16-’17 basketball season starts next week.
Watch Difficult People on Hulu
OH MY GAWD. I signed up for Hulu so my girls and I could watch The Mindy Project, a show my oldest daughter and I already watched and loved when it was on Fox.
I knew my youngest would love it too since, just like one of her previous favorite shows, Hart of Dixie, it involves a cute young lady doctor with a killer wardrobe who is always finding herself in hilarious scrapes.
The three of us have been enjoying the hell out of Mindy, but youngest child is also a rabid basketball fan (she was rooting for Golden State—sorry, Susie B.!) so she had to take time off to hang with her dad in the basement while all that was going on and Mindy was put on hold.
(Editor’s Note: We know her dad. He’s a wonderful guy. We’re fairly certain he does not live in the basement full-time, like that pet from The Munsters, but then again, we’re not sure. We haven’t visited in more than a year.)
Oldest daughter and I were browsing our Hulu options in the interim and came across Difficult People, a show smack-dab in the middle of her particular wheelhouse: whip-smart, gut-bustingly funny cynicism (she wouldn’t watch Hart of Dixie for a petting zoo, and routinely mocks her sister and I for our ‘Countdown to the Gilmore Girls Reunion’ Calendar—thank God we can find common ground like The Mindy Project and Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt.)
Difficult People stars Billy Eichner and Julie Klausner as Billy and Julie, two besties trying to make it in comedy in NYC. They are bitter and jaded but (to me, anyway) lovable and freaking hilarious.
Sample line from Billy, after another fruitless audition: “I hate it when they say they ‘don’t know what to do with me’. Oh, you’ve got Peter Dinklage figured out but you don’t know what to do with me?”
Get My Cat to Stop Ruining My House
I’m a relatively new cat owner, as I’ve discussed here at the MH a few times. It’s not illegal to declaw in my state, I don’t know if it is in any other states, but it’s not here. We still didn’t do it, because it’s barbaric and we love our cat even though she’s a full-tilt jackwagon (according to some).
She loves the five of us, but she is seriously menacing to anyone who isn’t one of us—when my niece comes over, she chases her into corners and hisses and bats at her.
My sister came over the other day with her three kids, ages 8, 6 and 8 months, and my cat acted like she was cool with everything until I left.
I’m completely cool with you being here
“Go out the back door and lock up behind you,” I told sisty, as I had an errand to run and couldn’t wait for her to re-diaper her messy, loud baby. She called me a few minutes later in a panic.
“Your cat won’t let me leave,” she said nervously. Her two older kids were outside already, but the cat decided to hold my sister and the baby hostage; she was guarding the door, all fat-tailed and hissy, swatting at my sister’s ankles every time she tried to take a step.
Obviously this kid is the problem
We think it’s adorable, of course, but everyone else is afraid of her.
Anyway, yes, she does do some things that even I would categorize as…how to say this delicately…dick moves. She has a scratch post the size of the Eiffel Tower that stands untouched next to the TV. She walks past it, looks right at me and digs her claws into the couch or chair for a long, satisfying scratch session.
“Toony no!” I yell, and she stares at me and scratches away. I even sprayed this stuff called ‘No Scratch’ on the things I want her to leave alone, and it just makes her laugh (she laughs!) and dig in harder.
You guys, I’m gonna sound super douchey for a second (you: some wisecrack about how that ship has sailed—I get it) so bear with me and try not to judge. But I have two Stickley “Leopold” chairs in my living room–my only real, grown-up furniture that I actually ordered and had custom upholstered; every other piece of furniture in my house is either a hand-me-down or from a garage sale or Craigslist (something I’m actually quite proud of, honestly—I’m one of those people who, if you compliment my outfit, will tell you in detail how I only paid two dollars for it or how I found it in a dumpster).
Anyway, of course the cat decided that my fancy, sophisticated chairs would be her beds, so now they are draped with ugly fleece blankets and look like something you might find on the porch of a frat house. They’re so hairy and smelly at this point even she finds them uninhabitable, so guess what? She’s set up new sleeping quarters in the white denim cigar chair by the fireplace.
I thought cats were supposed to be clean animals. My cat spends whatever time she isn’t throwing up in the basement and intimidating my relatives escaping out the back door and rolling around under the deck.
I adore her, don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying, if anyone wants to talk some sense into her, I’m into it. You could be like her cool aunt or uncle who doesn’t judge her for smoking and takes her to the free clinic. Maybe She’ll listen to you.
Learn All The Words to “Guns and Ships”
And then rap them convincingly. Auditions are happening as Hamilton readies itself to launch an extended run in Chicago and a tour beginning in San Francisco. You still have a chance. And yes, I’m talking to myself.
Plan Your Fourth of July Menu
When I was a kid, we used to go out to the home of my folks’ friends with some other families for a day-long picnic. Such fond memories…once, one of the other kids (from a different family, not mine) pushed me into the pond behind the house.
The pond was covered with that yucky green algae—you know, the kind that grows so thick on the surface it looks like day-glo Astroturf so you have to throw a rock at it or maybe push a small houseguest into it to make sure there really is water under all that muck? Because that’s something you should really be sure of, especially at a party.
I don’t remember if that was the same year one of the other boys also instructed a smaller kid to hold a lit firecracker for a dangerously long time, but it might have been. Good times. My point is, there was always fried chicken, and it was delicious.
You probably think I’m about to present you with a recipe for fried chicken, but I am not—ahhh, the old switcheroo! I can’t actually eat fried chicken anymore, because I would be doubled over before the second bite, but enough about my digestive issues—we don’t want to poach from next week’s column.
]But here’s a different recipe I love. It goes great with any grilled meat or fish and is also yummy all by itself.
Orange Jicama Salad
Peel and chop up 3 or 4 oranges. Peel and chop up a jicama. Chop up a bunch of cilantro until you have 2-3 tablespoons. Mine up about half of a red bell pepper. Mince up a few slices of a red onion—until you have 1-2 tablespoons. Throw it all together, add three extra tablespoons of orange juice, some salt and pepper, maybe a squirt of lime if you have one sitting around, maybe a shake of red pepper flakes if you like that. Stir and done. Tell all your friends you made it up and it is not from Emeril Lagasse. This is the most important step.
Watch This Video
Because it was made by some friends of mine, a group of very cool people doing very cool things. It was made for Father’s Day, which obviously was last Sunday (percentage of you MH readers I imagine just panicked because you forgot: 100) but it’s still worth your time. These folks are putting goodness out there, and I dig it. Go here to get the full flavor: www.uptopfilms.com