by Michael DePaoli
COMRADE TRUMP INAUGURATION EDITION
1. LIBERALS HAVE ALREADY WON
Why are you liberals so sad on this inauguration day? Why are you trying to snatch defeat out of the jaws of your own golden-showered liberal victory? Seriously, you should be celebrating!
You destroyed that utterly fake “family values” lie that the Republicans have been pushing for too many decades. You proved that the conservative movement has produced nothing more than a sociopathic desire to praise a leader who is a marital cheater. The conservatives just elected a reactionary jerk who was caught on tape bragging about molesting women. Come on, celebrate! The GOP family values thing has been exposed as a fraudulent ideology.
Liberals have won! Look at the evidence! Tattoos are everywhere. Drugs are everywhere. You can download porn on the internet. We have gay marriage. You forced the Republicans to admit that they need to help fix our health care system, that they need to help create a jobs program, that their wealthy backers need to stop outsourcing jobs, and that a stimulus to the economy is sometimes vitally necessary! Republicans have backed away from their “States Rights” bogusness. The GOP is becoming liberal, as it fights to stay relevant. So, please celebrate your liberal victory!
Here is your action plan, going forward:
First, whenever talking about the sociopathic liar, call him Comrade Trump (as an alternate nickname, you can just call him WPE, which stands for Worst President Ever) (Editor’s Note:
Until Eric Trump is elected).
Second, thank the GOP profusely for becoming liberal.
Third, start referring to the Mexican Wall as The Southern Border Jobs Program, because that is its true identity.
Fourth, every time the GOP votes to spend money, call it a liberal stimulus package.
Fifth, on a weekly basis, talk about that campaign “contract” that Trump has already breached.
Sixth, whenever possible, ask Comrade Trump when he is going to drain the swamp.
Seventh, regardless of what kind of health care plan the GOP puts forth, call it the Semashko System (what the Russians used to call their health care under the Soviet Union).
Eighth, laugh at Comrade Trump, and never let him forget that he is a joke.
Ninth, keep asking for Comrade Trump’s tax returns. T
enth, go have fun and be happy, because that will eat Comrade Trump from the inside.
2. XXX: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE
This movie presents (avoids begs teases) the question: Why do you want to go to a movie, anyway? If your answer might be that you want to sit down for two hours and be thoroughly engrossed in a slowly-progressing drama whereby you can feel smug and elite inside your intellectual arrogance (Ed Note: Isn’t that what this site is for?), then you need to avoid XXX: Return of Xander Cage. However, if your answer might be that you really and truly want to experience a ridiculous rollercoaster of entertainment that will allow you to escape your own slowly-progressing reality of life, then run (do not walk, but run) to the nearest movie theatre this weekend and buy a ticket to see Vin Diesel in his latest vehicle of fantastical fun.
This movie has a skateboard scene. And, if that might not be enough to convince you, there are also fights, and pretty girls, and satellites, and computer screens that go blip and beep, and motorcycles, and a huge airplane, and a little bit of dialogue, a lion hunt (that ends with justice being done), a few plot twists (yes, there is a plot), all mixed up with the bad people and the good people, and saving the world, and Donnie Yen being the action star that he is, and even Mr. Ice Cube being just so cool. Finally, on top of all that, Samuel L. Jackson is just so amazingly exceptional.
Deepika Padukone is stunning. Ruby Rose is stunning. Hermione Corfield is stunning. (It is almost as if the producers of the movie intentionally found some amazing eye candy, and yet all of these women play powerful roles.) Toni Collette is also stunning. (She played Muriel in Muriel’s Wedding, which I mention because in case you have never seen that movie you certainly should, forthwith.) But, my favorite actor in the movie is Nina Dobrev. As an aside, I was walking out of the movie theatre, with Nina Dobrev’s performance on my brain, and I thought to myself that someone should write a movie starring Nina Dobrev and Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick wherein each would try to out-adorable the other.
So, there you have it. Even if you might not be a Vin Diesel fan (you should be because he is so unique), this movie is still great entertainment. Plus, this is a great movie to see on the weekend of Comrade Trump’s inauguration, because the good people fight against the corruption (see, there is a parallel).
3. THE NFL AGAINST TOM BRADY
I want to take the time to point out the tremendous success that the NFL had in its prosecution (witch hunt) against Tom Brady. The hard-fought legal battle against under-inflated footballs has finally proved once and for all that Tom Brady is so phenomenally awesome that he is capable of leading his team into the AFC Championship Game regardless of the hardness, softness. density, pressure, or temperature of his balls. Indeed, this weekend will be Brady’s sixth AFC Championship Game in a row (to go along with being four-time Super Bowl Champion, three-time Super Bowl MVP, twelve-time Pro Bowl). Thank you, NFL. We now know that all of Brady’s prior success was real.