by John Walters
Tweet du Jour
I was curious about this too. I really question the priorities of someone more worried about the quality of a pornstar than a president. The only decisions I’m really responsible for is what position I want to do next & what color lipgloss best compliments my costar’s penis. SMH https://t.co/vntX4wdGKd
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) March 21, 2018
A Colonel Of Truth*
*The judges will also accept “Pox On Fox” or “Take This ISB And Shove It”
Going where Congressman Paul Ryan, Senator Mitch McConnell, and mouthpieces such as Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Jesse Watters and Laura Ingraham have dared not tread, retired Lt. Colonel Ralph Peters found the temerity to acknowledge the distinction between conservatism and Trumpism and put his money where his mouth is. In a letter to colleagues at Fox, where he had been a contributor for a decade, Peters announced his resignation. In his words…
Retired Lt. Col. Ralph Peters just severed his relationship with Fox News, claiming that a once conservative news outlet has evolved into a ‘force of propaganda’.
I hope this is the beginning of the end of Fox News. If not now then it certainly will be once Trump is impeached. pic.twitter.com/muNrwzPwUT
— Brian Krassenstein🐬 (@krassenstein) March 20, 2018
As you may have expected, Fox News fired back (presumably from its No-Spin Zone): “Ralph Peters is entitled to his opinion despite the fact that he’s choosing to use it as a weapon in order to gain attention. We are extremely proud of our top-rated primetime hosts and all of our opinion programming.”
2. Frost, Nixon
The two big stories in New York City yesterday: 1) a spring storm is on the way that may dump as much as 10″ of snow on the streets (I’m dreaming of a white equinox…) and 2) actress Cynthia Nixon has entered the Democratic gubernatorial primary race.
It took less than 24 hours for Christine Quinn, a supporter of Democratic incumbent Andrew Cuomo, to refer to Nixon as “an unqualified lesbian.” In fairness to Quinn, she is a lesbian who lost a run for mayor of New York City and thinks of herself as “a qualified lesbian.”
3. There IS an Oklahoma Draftee Who’s Like Bitcoin—And It’s Not Baker Mayfield
Oklahoma freshman Trae Young, who led the nation in both Scoring (27.4 per game) and Assists (8.7 per) this season but was unable to lead the Sooners to a first-round NCAA tourney victory, has announced that he will enter the NBA draft.
For much of the late fall and early winter, our friend Jason McIntrye, founder of The Big Lead, has described another Sooner jock headed for another pro draft as “Bitcoin.” McIntrye likens Heisman-winning OU quarterback Baker Mayfield to the cryptocurrency. Per Jason: “People still don’t really understand how [Bitcoin] works or why it’s become such a phenomenon…The same can be said about Baker Mayfield…most draftniks still don’t have a firm grasp on what his NFL ceiling can be, or whether or not they can trust his character.”
That’s not really an apples to apples comparison. Draftniks DO understand what makes Mayfield successful on the field and recognize that the former walk-on led Oklahoma to a pair of college football playoffs and compiled the TWO best single-season passing efficiency rating marks of all college football history. That’s like putting together the two best single-season slugging percentage marks, in separate seasons of course, in baseball.
Unlike Bitcoin, Mayfield’s bonafides are legit. His talent may not translate to the NFL—we’ll see—but his popularity is about more than hype. He proved he was legit over four college seasons at two different schools.*
Young, on the other hand, is a lot like Bitcoin. He was oven-mitt hot in December and then began to cool off in January. His Sooners went into a tailspin in late January and all of February and March as his performances began to suffer. With his sleight size (he’s listed at 6’2″ but closer to 6’0″) and poor defense, he may very well be an NBA bust. The team that drafts him, much like the dude who put all of his earnings into Bitcoin in December, could live to regret that maneuver (note: we are ALL out of Bitcoin now).
It’s not that Young is ALL hype; it’s just that he was very hot in December, then defenses figured him out and you’d have made more money shorting his career after New Year’s. And there’s no guarantee at all that he’s a good investment going forward.
So, yes, there is an Oklahoma athlete like Bitcoin: Trae Young, not Baker Mayfield.
*We’d still be very, very afraid to draft Mayfield. Too short and too prone to injury at the next level. Darnold, Allen and RosenRosen are safer picks, much as we hate to admit it.
Mr. Rogers would have turned 90 yesterday and we love that someone is finally producing a documentary on him. Here now is the trailer for Won’t You Be My Neighbor (release date: June 8)
And here’s our favorite magazine profile we’ve ever read, by Tom Junod.
5. A Good Guy With A Gun
We don’t want to be hypocrites, which is to say we don’t want to blindly hold to a position just because we’re stubborn and recalcitrant. So yes, pour one out for Blaine Gaskill, the resource officer at Great Mills (Md.) High School, who confronted the school shooter and fatally wounded him. Of course, if the 17 year-old shooter, Austin Rollins, who wounded a girl he knew, had been toting something more than a handgun, the events would have unfolded differently, we imagine.
Friend Or Phone
Apparently President Trump phoned Vladimir Putin in the wake of this weekend’s presidential “election” in Russia to congratulate Vlad on winning. This despite despite warnings from multiple national security advisers and briefing materials that read “DO NOT CONGRATULATE.”
Trump ignored the written warnings and lauded Vlad, anyway. Reminds us of the old Swedish king joke. The king goes hunting for moose and in the clearing he sees a young, unarmed man. The king lifts his rifle and aims. The man, seeing this, shouts loudly, “I AM NOT A MOOSE!”
The king fires. Kills him. As they walk toward the dead man, one of the king’s aides says, “Sire, that man said, ‘I am not a moose.'” The monarch looks at his aide dismissively and says, “I heard him say, ‘I am a moose.'”
Aboard The H.M.S Beagle
In Birmingham, England, an unidentified man became the frontrunner for the 2018 Darwin Award when he was killed by an electronic foot fest in a movie theater. The man had dropped his cellphone between seats in the “Gold Class” seats and when he knelt down to retrieve it, the electronic foot rest came down and trapped him. As he panicked and struggled to escape—a friend and a theater employee eventually broke the foot rest and freed him—he appears to have gone into cardiac arrest. We feel for him and no, have not asked what movie he was watching.
Befriending one another while undergrads at Tufts University in Boston, the band Guster found moderate success in 2003 with this tune dedicated to a European city everyone should visit (in their 20s). This definitely belongs on MH’s Top 20 Songs of The 21st Century—So Far list.