by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

The life of a college football coach. Former head coach at the University of Montana, now an offensive analyst at Oklahoma State.

Starting Five

Spring Awakening

Say what you will about LeBron James (and one of our readers will surely say plenty), but at age 33 he is arguably having the best postseason of his career and now has the Cavs in a best-of-3 versus the Celtics to advance to the NBA Finals. Last night he put up 44 in a Game 4 win.

Check the numbers.

LeBron, 2018: 33.7 ppg, 8.7 rpg, 9.0 assists, 1.4 steals, 1.1 blocks.

LeBron, 2009: 35.3 ppg, 9.1 rpg, 7.2 assists, 1.6 steals, 0.9 blocks.

He does have nearly twice as many turnovers per game this postseason, but he has been tremendous.

Meanwhile, how great is that?

2. Burning Through His Savings

The Eagle Creek fire

A judge in Oregon has ordered the 15 year-old minor who started last year’s Eagle Creek fire, which burned 48,000 acres of land in the Pacific Northwest, to pay a fine of $36,000,000. No joke.

The teen inadvertently started the blaze when he threw a firecracker in the woods, which is all kinds of stupid. But maybe they should have imposed a lighter fine, like cutting off the arm with which he tossed the incendiary stick. Either way, he’s willing to pick up any extra shifts at Panera all summer.

MH staffers checked the archives for the harshest punishment a teen has ever endured and the best we could come up with is when Richie Cunningham was “grounded for life” by Mr. C for taking dad’s car.

3. Deaths In America, 2018

We just thought we’d update you on dangers, real and imagined. All of these fatality statistics are for the current year, as up to date as we can make them:

By SHARK: ……………………………………………….0

By GRIZZLY BEAR…………………………………….0

By RATTLESNAKE…………………………………….1

By GUNS……………………………………………………5,531

By OPIOIDs………………………………………………. > 16,000

Of course we would not be responsible journalists if we failed to disclose the details of that rattlesnake fatality that occurred on Sunday, April 29. Barry Lester and his wife were driving some Oklahoma back roads to on their way to Keystone Lake to celebrate his 57th birthday. Lester spotted a timber rattler in the road and stopped to remove it.

Bad idea. When he picked up the snake, it bit him on his left hand. Then Lester moved the snake to his other hand, and it bit him on his right hand. He died on the way to the hospital.

And so, with one fatal rattlesnake bite every four months in the U.S.A., it’s easy to understand why states such as Texas and Oklahoma are well-known for their rattlesnake roundups. But with 5,500 gun fatalities in the same amount of time, GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY GUN YOU ELITIST SNOWFLAKE!

4. Brandi, Show Us Your Bust

No, not that bust. The one they molded of you for your induction into the Bay Area Sports Hall Of Fame (BASHOF). Wow.


5. Don’t Ask, Don’t 

They won’t allow gays in the military but they will allow this every spring. Yesterday at the Naval Academy they conducted the Herndon Climb, the scaling of a 21-foot obelisk on post that officially signals the end of plebe year, as they have every year since 1959. Plebe Shawn Chapman got to be man on tap and it only took 2 hours and 9 minutes an 23 seconds to do so.

Mike Pence recommends conversion therapy.

(Related: Does the Naval Academy need a few more African-American plebes? We bet they could cut this record in half.)


CHK, Mate

Our semi-frequent update on how Chesapeake Energy (CHK) is the most worthwhile yo-yo stock worth tracking (worth fracking?).

Price of CHK on May 3: $2.87

Price of CHK this morning: $4.75

That’s a 66% jump in less than three weeks. We regret to say we only took small advantage of this precipitous climb. But there will be a next time. There always is with CHK.

Music 101

Walking With A Ghost

Calgary-born twins Tegan and Sara Quin are better known simply as Tegan and Sara. This 2004 album was later covered by White Stripes.

Remote Patrol

Rockets at Warriors, Game 4

9 p.m. TNT

Steph returned to form with a 35-point Game 3

13. 22. 41. It’s like watching one tennis match take place on two different courts. Or a horse race between two races on concentric tracks. The gaps in the final scores keep widening like a Kilauea fissure.

2 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. 🙂 🙂 🙂 I feel SO much better than last week! I’m not saying we have this in the bag but the TEAM doesn’t look so bad now, does it? What’s that? Speak up – I can’t quite hear you ‘talking’ about the slumped shoulders/eye-rolls/lack of team unity among the flustered & frustrated Celtics. 😉

    And of course, LeBron is The King. He does EVERYTHING! We even got one of the elusive, squeal-inducing reverse dunks on Saturday! Double pump yet! Oooh-eeee! And can you think of another player at that level who is/was as known for their “omg/ thread-the-needle/how did he do THAT?!” passes as much as for his scoring? Honestly, some of Sweet Pea’s passes make me almost pee my pants! 😉

    Who knew Brandi Chastain is “related” to Peter King! 🙂 I’m not saying Peter is an unattractive man, but can we agree he would not be a pretty woman? And that plaque looks like Peter! If you were that “artist”, wouldn’t you be ashamed/humiliated to put that out there? If all they cared about was the job/money, BIG MISTAKE as what other client will now pay them for squat?

    And if you think this blog can ignore last Saturday’s Royal Wedding, you’re mistaken! I guess you aren’t the sort who gets up at 4AM to watch non-stop coverage for the next 6-7 hours & you probably aren’t all that impressed with the Royals, but it was pretty much a plum-perfect day & TV spectacle! England (especially the Travel dept) must be over the moon as anyone who watched must be thinking ‘England looks gorgeous, let’s go see for ourselves’. Compared to Charles/Diana, William/Kate & even Andrew/Fergie, this wedding was ‘small’, but it went off beautifully & the couple are so giddy in love even an old unromantic like you might have sniffed back a tear or two. Near the end, it dawned on me that we won’t see a “major” royal wedding again for at least 20 years! Not until William’s kids start marrying. Sigh. The next two “big” royal televised events will be Prince Phillip’s funeral (he looked bad but he did just have hip surgery) & then the Queens’. Of course, she could live for another 10 years as her mum lived to 103! I’ve only ever seen a British coronation in the movies (shout-out to the late Fred Astaire) or documentaries (of course, true for most people alive today!) & while I don’t wish ill health on the Queen, it would be fascinating to see live!

    And while YOU may be basking in some frackin’ wealth, I have owned CHK for years & am still deep in the red! 🙁

    BTW, did you buy back MU after you sold? It’s been on a bigger tear than CHK the past few months! I don’t own but it’s been on my Watch List since late last year. I should have bought some!

    • Whoops, Fred’s movie centered around a royal wedding NOT the coronation! Hey, I’m still sleep-deprived!

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