by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

The next thing you know, the club pro woke up in Oz…

Editor’s Note: There’s more than the usual rancor today in “Another Day of Trump,” and we just need to say, “Pass.” We’re not up for it today. If you want to deal with ICE, the IG report, the Playboy White House reporter, Trump saluting a North Korean general, etc., feel free. In the Comments. 

(Okay, just one….)

Starting Five

Russian Undressing

In an opening World Cup match between the countries of Osama bin Laden and Vladimir Putin (talk about a Group of Death), Russia depantsed Saudi Arabia 5-0. We thought the Russkies, up 3-0 as extra time began, would start Stalin but instead they powered ahead for two more goals. And FIFA wants to expand the tourney from 32 to 48 teams? Russia hadn’t even WON a single friendly heading into yesterday’s opening match.

2. We Solve The Border Problem

We’re kind of kidding here, but then again we’re kind of not (and you don’t have a better solution, anyway): So we were watching some judge approve the AT&T-Time Warner deal earlier this week, and we didn’t really have anything compelling to say about it, but then we were watching yesterday’s bizarre scene in the White House press room and we thought, That’s it! A vertical merger!

If AT&T can take over Time-Warner in a mutually beneficial merger, one that rescues Time-Warner from, as Mike Tyson might say, “Bolivian,” why shouldn’t the USA take over most of Central America? Dig….

–We take over Mexico and Guatemala (we’ll let Belize decide if it would like to join the team). Suddenly Mexicans and Guatemalans don’t need to flee their countries because, hey, there’s an Arby’s and a Chipotle and a Starbucks and a Loews cinema and an honest, if brutal, police force right in town.

–Look how much tinier the border is (I’d toyed with taking over every nation before Panama, as the Canal is a natural, if man-made, border). The U.S.-Mexico border is nearly 2,000 miles long. The Guatemala-Honduras border is only about 300 miles long.

–Look at all that coast line you can now purchase. On either side. You’re welcome.

–Much easier for the U.S. to qualify for the 2020 World Cup.

–NBA, NFL and MLB teams in Mexico City within 10 years, if not sooner.

–The citizens of Mexico and Guatemala will not be eligible to vote in a U.S. election until 2024 (this is the only way the Republicans will go for it).

–If you’re unemployed in the 50 states, you can probably move to Mexico or Guatemala and get a job as back-of-the-house kitchen staff. Turnabout is fair play.

Oh, you say, Mexico and Guatemala would never go for it. Tough. It’s like, Dude, your kid keeps coming over our house to eat dinner because you never feed him. So I’m sorry, we’re just going to adopt him. And who on this hemisphere would stop us anyway? It’s not an invasion, it’s an annexation. We’re just vertically integrating, literally from a latitudinal standpoint.

3. Wind Hampton

At Shinnecock in South Hampton, the skies were blue but the winds were blustery, and the world’s top golfers suffered for it on Day 1 of the U.S. Open. Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, the former a three-time champion, shot 7-over par. Adam Scott, 8-over. Allison Stokke’s fiance, Rickie Fowler, shot 6-over.

However, the world’s current No. 1, Dustin Johnson, is in the lead at 2-under. Gretzkys are great.

4. Happy Baby Daddy’s Day!

The real world is increasingly swarming The Onion and simply devouring it, as if reality is The Blob. The latest example: Target was selling Baby Daddy cards in the run-up to Father’s Day, which is Sunday. And then some P.C. folks decided it was racially insensitive,  instead of what it actually is, which is hilarious and sadly, too apropos.

So Target apologized and pulled the card from 900 stores. WHY?!?!?! If Chris Tucker released a film titled “BabyDaddy” tonight, it would be the top-rated movie at your local Magic Johnson theaters. But it’s wrong if Target does it? I was really hoping to buy five of these cards, then sit in Starbucks (or as I now call it, “Poop Here Free”) without buying anything and write notes in each of them.

The weird thing about these cards. Sure, you can purchase one, but getting the correct address for its intended recipient, that’s the difficult part.

5. Ring Of The Lords

With the summer solstice approaching, everyone on your block will be heading to Stonehenge in England (or 42nd Street in Manhattan) to witness the incredible views that are enhanced by man-made edifices. But you don’t have to be like everyone else. You can head to the Orkney Islands, which are just off the northern coast of the Scottish mainland, to bear witness at the Ring of Brodgar (which, c’mon, will satisfy that Game of Thrones jones that’s been building up inside for a year and won’t be sated for another).

The ring is a Neolithic construction, which means that it was erected at least 7,000 years ago. Which means you (probably) won’t find the word “TRUMP” atop any of the stones.

Music 101

Disco Inferno

Feel your pulse right now, then hit “Play” on the video and take it again in two minutes. In 1976 The Trammps released this to limited success, the song inspired by the early blockbuster film The Towering Inferno (O.J. Simpson saves a cat; no, really). When it was included on the MASSIVE Saturday Night Fever soundtrack a year later, the song went to No. 4. That’s Jimmy Ellis on lead vocals: Burn that mother down!

Remote Patrol

World Cup

Portugal vs. Spain

2 p.m. Fox

“No pick! No pick! It was just a scratch!”

Iberian throw down in a Siberian land! Portugal has Cristiano Ronaldo, of course, who actually was raised on an island in the Atlantic, Madeira, that is closer to Morocco (but is part of Portugal). The Spaniards are a favorite to advance to the final, even though they fired their manager, Julen Lopetegui, earlier this week because he took the Real Madrid job. Real Madrid’s top player? Ronaldo.

8 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. I’ve been saying that for years. (I will now leave all who read this comment to ponder what portion of the MH I’m talking about.)

    Whiplash made me supremely uncomfortable, to the point I thought to myself, “If that level of abuse is what it takes to reach genius level, I’ll stay happily mediocre, thanks.”

    I think I’ll have ‘happily mediocre’ printed on a t-shirt.

  2. Just for the record – Myles Garrett is not related to me. I don’t know Myles Garrett. I have never met Myles Garrett. I do not possess a “pee tape” of Myles Garrett. But I LIKE Myles Garrett. 🙂

  3. Day 1 of the World Cup and you already used up your “Stalin” pun? Where do you go from here? Seems like you were Russian it.

  4. Susie B.,

    Kawhi Leonard and LeBron James will be on the same team next year. They will find a way. For the sake of your fandom, let’s hope that’s not purple and gold.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *