by John Walters

Starting Five


*The judges will also accept “Thar Shoe Blows,” “The Fall Of Zion,”  “So, Shoe Me!” and “Free Sole, Oh!” 

We don’t know much, but we do know we are glad we’re not Nike’s Duke shoe rep today.

One more thing: Folks are comparing this Zion Williamson moment to a Bo Jackson incident, but we see more of a Darryl Dawkins comparison. The integral thing here is not the injury, but rather the raw power of a hoops behemoth causing what was heretofore seen as an indestructible basketball-related apparatus to appear vulnerable.

2. Expire

You can look it up: We never tweeted or mentioned a word on the blog about Jussie Smollett before this. Two reasons: 1) we didn’t know who he was before this and 2) we had no idea what was real and what wasn’t. Maybe we’re getting better about expressing an opinion half-cocked (maybe not, but we’re trying).

We noticed some bad takes on the Twitter in the past 24 hours: one person wondered if we should be paying attention to Jussie’s “cry for help,” another took pains to note that “we should still believe Jussie just so we don’t forget all the real victims.” Yet a third felt the need to point out that more white people lie about crimes than black people.

No. No. And no. To each incident, assess it solely on its own merits. You can’t whine about Trump and MAGA not following rules and then the moment someone you support is dishonest, go off on the “they do it, too” tangent. Uh uh. In the immortal words of our guru Geno Auriemma, “What a dope.”

Also, maybe he really isn’t that good of an actor, you know?

Finally, just a thought for the morning and cable news shows: Maybe pump the brakes on the redemption tour visits when Smollett eventually is a free man again.

3. Death Valley Day

On one of the colder days Death Valley ever has experienced, we stayed at this oasis in Furnace Creek last night. It has been a movie star getaway for decades. If you’re ever in the area, at least get a drink at the bar of The Inn at Death Valley.

But to think, if we had just pushed on we could’ve stayed here.

Also, Death Valley is most definitely worth a day of your life (and now that we’ve been to all three—Bucket List, check that box—we feel confident saying that). It feels a lot like you’re starring in your own version of The Martian without having to farm with your own poop.

4. Incite-ful

–15 guns

— > 1,000 rounds of ammunition

— A hit list of Democratic pols and liberal-thinking cable newsers.

–A stockpile of steroids and HGH.

(Some folks are reading this and asking, “What’s the problem?”)

Coast Guard officer Christopher Hasson, 49, was arrested last week as some of his email drafts (“I want to kill every last person on earth”) and Google searches (“Where do most senators live in D.C.”) tripped a few wires with counterterrorism experts. We don’t know if Hasson was more susceptible to investigation because he is a member of a government military branch or if government watch dogs keep an eye out for certain trigger words/phrases or both. Or if all bald white guys are on a government list (heads up, SVP).

Either way Hasson, who allegedly considers Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivek a hero, had some bad intentions. And we assume there are others like him out there.

5. March Madness (En Route)

One of these men has been a Republican far longer than the other one…

Robert Mueller’s report, the Chinese Democracy of government investigations, may finally be arriving as early as next week. Which is to say, quoting Margo Channing (Bette Davis) in All About Eve, “Buckle your seat belts, we’re in for a bumpy night.”

A note or two: Mueller’s report goes to the Attorney General (William Barr), who then may exercise the discretion as to whether to show it to Congress (LEAKING!) or not. Also, Ken Starr’s special counsel investigation of President Bill Clinton was made entirely public, for comparison’s sake.

You may want to read the Twitter thread earlier Thursday by @HoarseWhisperer, who lays out how all of Mueller’s investigation has been about gathering information per a Trump-Russia connection as opposed to inducting actors. The indictments of men such as Manafort, Flynn and Stone are incidental to the greater cause, which is to gain information. Hence, no summoning of Trump family members as there was never any hope of them flipping on daddy in exchange for a lighter sentence. Give it a read.

Yes, the Ides of March are on the 15th of that month. We think it’s gonna get a little loony before that date.

2 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. If I didn’t suffer from coulrophobia, I would stay at the Clown Motel, to watch “Chucky” on repeat. And if you order the whipped cream pie for breakfast, they’re happy to humor you!

  2. re: “Clown Motel” – a room cost $31.50? Is that per night or the hourly rate? My fave part is that the sign says “Pets OK” & then (THEN), “Truckers”. LOL! Do truckers have “accidents on the floor”? If you didn’t show that pic, I wouldn’t believe such a place existed. On the other hand, it gives everyone the opportunity to answer that age old question “where’d you go on your vacation” with, ” I STAYED AT THE CLOWN MOTEL, BRO”. 🙂

    I was so looking forward to Duke-Carolina#1! Earlier in the day, I even watched the 2nd half of 1992’s 1st DUKE-UNC game to wet the appetite. I then watched “Game Day-Basketball version” for the 1st time in years, waited 2 hours, clicked on the game & BAM, it was like an overhyped boxing match over in 30 seconds NOT by a KO but because the one guy fell out of the ring & knocked himself unconscious! You can’t believe what your eyes are seeing! I watched only 1 more minute & turned the channel. Poor kid, poor Duke team & poor fans. I guess we should say “poor Nike” too but hey, THEY have some splainin’ to do! On the other hand, one of my old sneakers ripped apart once, just like that! Of course, they were Sears “Jeepers”; 2 pairs for $5. They were my Sunday uniform camp shoes & BARELY made it thru the summer. 🙂 Zion needs to wear LBJ’s shoes, at least until he gets his own superdeluxe namesake pair.

    It’s not looking too good for Smollett but I’m also not jumping to conclusions, like the POLICE captain (?) that PUBLICLY stated JS faked the attack because he was “unhappy with his salary”. HOW can he state that with NO EVIDENCE? I thought JS must have confessed for that guy to state that in the presser! But no! Isn’t that illegal? Wait, this is CHICAGO? Oh, of course….

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