by John Walters

Starting Five

Even the launches are phallic. No wonder insecure male leaders are so fond of them

Strike One

Iran launched a dozen or so missiles at two U.S. bases in Iraq purportedly with the intention of sending a message while NOT killing anyone. Meanwhile on the Iran domestic front, some 52 people died in a stampede during Qasem Soleimani’s funeral in his hometown and then later 176 perished when a commercial jet crashed shortly after takeoff in Tehran.

It was a Boeing 737, but not a Max. Sixty-three of the victims on the Kiev-bound flight were Canadian.

Anyway, it’s possible that the missile strikes were a face-saving gesture from Iran with the intent of not escalating this stupid schoolyard fracas. But I doubt that’s the last Donald Trump has heard from Iran.

North By Northworst

That’s Oliver North proving once again that “Republicans, they’re NEVER wrong.” Even when they’re passionately opposing the very thing they once stood for.

Speaking of Olivers, I was thinking of Oliver Hardy yesterday. Stan Laurel’s partner, whose catchphrase was “That’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into,” and it occurred to me that in terms of Dems and GOP presidents over the last 30 years, it’s exactly what every Democratic president could say to every Republican president he succeeded. To illustrate:

1989-1993: Republican president George Bush gets us into the first Iraq War (“to liberate Kuwait!” Ha!) and increases the federal deficit.

1993-2001: Democratic president Bill Clinton erases—ERASES—the federal budget deficit and there are no wars. He does, however, receive a blow job in the Oval Office from an intern. So there’s that. Heavens.

2001-2009: Republican president George H.W. Bush, not satisfied with merely equaling his dad’s feats, gets us into TWO wars in the Middle East (one of them completely unwarranted and illegal) AND oversees the biggest financial scandal and meltdown since the Great Depression.

2009-2017: Democratic president Barack Obama hunts down the mastermind of 9/11, oversees the nation’s financial recovery to get the stock market to all-time highs and strikes a deal with Iran to get them to stop their nuclear program.

2017-? : President Donald Trump does take the stock market to new all-time highs, but also takes the federal budget deficit into the trillions and averages more than 5,000 lies per year while in office. Also golfs too much.

Hunh. It’s almost as if there’s one party that keeps making the mess, and another party that keeps cleaning up after them. Ah, but the party that makes the mess is against abortion in any form so I guess all the other crap is worth it?

Coachella Fitzgerald (But It May Not Fit Me)

Here’s the Coachella 2020 lineup poster:

And here, released just yesterday, is the Bonnaroo 2020 lineup:

It’s time for me, in the immortal words of Cheap Trick’s Robin Zander, “to get my KISS records out.”

There’s almost no one on either poster I’m interested in seeing. Which isn’t to say that there aren’t some good bands/acts in there. It’s just that ti-i-i-ime is not on my side. No, it isn’t.

Five Films: 1989

  1. Dead Poets’ Society: O Captain, My Captain! Too earnest? Too idealistic? Maybe. But if you can’t be at that time of your life, when can you be? When I see that red-headed schmuck now who ratted out the DPS, I think of Mick Mulvaney. 2 & 3: Do The Right Thing and When Harry Met Sally: You couldn’t find two more polar opposite films about the New York City experience, and yet they were released on the same date (July 21) in 1989. I’d moved here six days earlier. Spike Lee’s joint was largely overshadowed by WHMS that year, but its brilliance and raw emotion is breathtaking. And that’s Samuel L. Jackson’s first big role. WHMS is the best film about dating and NYC since Annie Hall. And maybe nothing has since topped it. 4. Say Anything: Another early Cameron Crowe gem. My favorite scene is the last: “No one thinks this will work” “You just gave the opening line to every great success story.” Absolutely. 5. Field Of Dreams: Yes, there was more corn in the film’s maudlin themes than there was beyond the outfield, but if you’re too cynical to love this film, that’s too bad. This is the kind of the film Frank Capra would have been proud to have made.

One thought on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. My grandfather loved Laurel and Hardy, so we watched a ton when I was a kid. Everybody knows the piano deal, but lots of them are still pretty funny ages later.

    Those concert lists (a) make me feel incredibly old and/or uncool and could be easily crossed with a Band Name Generator with little chance of most 40+ Americans discerning which names are real and which are Pigeons Playing Pingpong.

    WHMS: Baby Fishmouth and fully appreciating how terrible some people were at those 80s/90s drawing games is a nearly perfect scene. My oldest is 16 so there are these great moments where you get to explain “this was a thing,” like “Win, Lose or Draw” was a telegram or Victrola or something like that.

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