by John Walters
Goose, You Can Be My Wingman Any Time!
With the first pick in the 2020 NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves selected Anthony Edwards. In his two most famous roles, as Goose in Top Gun (F-14 Tom Cat dog fight war games) and Dr. Mark Green on E.R., he died (cancer). So be careful, T-Wolves.
Our favorite pick came in at No. 48: Nico Mannion, a 6’3 red-headed Italian guard via the University of Arizona and before that Pinnacle High School (same school as Spencer Rattler). He’s a Donte DiVencenzo doppelgänger. Nico’s dad, Pace Mannion, played at the University of Utah, briefly in the NBA and then for Shampoo CLEAR of the Italian League. The NBA needs more white-guy mustaches.
Rudy: Still Donald’s Bitch
This is real. From 20 years ago. The president thought sexual assault, as part of a skit, was funny.
So if it feels as if the entire civilized world (minus 70 million misguided or ignorant or deluded or racist citizens) is waiting for one 74 year-old spoiled child to get over the fact that his feewings wuh hoit, well, that’s where we stand. The president has virtually gone into hiding (unless you are White House staff or a caddy) as he sits and stews and waits to see if his latest attempt to cheat a system (in this case, the U.S. Constitution) will work out.
For us it was telling this morning that CNBC’s Jim Cramer even publicly acknowledged that Donald Trump has no intention of going anywhere. He’s just hoping that his 70 million or so will continue to buy the blatant lie (evidence of these people doing so is ubiquitous) while his minions and sycophants work hard to manufacture just a shred of evidence to make it easier to sell.
Trump’s not going anyhwere. Not willfully, at least. Meanwhile, 1,964 Americans died of the coronavirus yesterday. All we can hope for is that with their deaths a lot of red baseball caps were left orphaned.
There’s a part of us that wonders daily: Will these Americans one day wake up? The ones who insist that they’re not racist, or that they love America. Why are they so blind? Oh, that’s right. Because if the Democrats win black welfare mommas will take all their hard-earned money.
(Ever heard of Enron? Halliburton? Goldman Sachs?)
Here’s something to consider: We’ll soon be north of 2,000 dead Americans per day. And a president with no intention to do anything about it. And even that isn’t changing the will or mood of his base. You have to wonder just how many Americans would need to die daily for them to come around to the fact that he’s a fantastically mendacious, narcissistic and incompetent megalomaniac and buffoon because apparently 2,000 a day isn’t enough. 10,000 a day? I still doubt it.
So if that many people die per day and his base won’t be moved, then there’s no chance he’ll be moved to concede. He’s taking this full TWO SOLARIUMS. Watch.
DDS For The Cards
About two weeks ago another of our high school friends, one who does not sit home alone and write songs about the environment, informed us that he was working on the grills of two Arizona Cardinals. Our pal is not a mechanic but rather a dentist… so, okay, a tonsorial mechanic.
And he happens to be the team dentist for the Arizona Cardinals. So he sent us text telling us that he’d worked on the grills of quarterback Kyler Murray and wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins just a day or two earlier. And then what happens the following Sunday? The Hail Murray pass. You saw it.
Now, we’re not saying that Doc Zach’s expertise in the dental arts is what led to these extraordinary feats by both Murray and Hopkins, but then we’re not saying that it didn’t, either.
It’s just the damn truth: we have very talented friends.
The Worst Wing (Cont.)
In today’s New York Times, a contest for “The Worst of Trump” which, sadly, has become an annual thing. When we do our own rankings, we use a sliding scale of 1) mendacity and 2) effectiveness. So while Rudy is high up on No. 1, he’s so criminally incompetent that he’s low on No. 2. Herewith, our rankings:
- Donald Trump (actually, he’s lower, but if we don’t put him at No. 1 he’ll pout and refuse to leave the contest).
- William Barr (because of No. 2)
- Mike Pompeo (because of No. 1)
- Moscow Mitch (because of both)
- Paul Manaforte (gone but not forgotten)
- Roger Stone (was gone, now isn’t)
- Sean Hannity (chief of propaganda; this is a team award that should be shared in parts by Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham and Jesse Watters)
- Mike Pence (the Sgt. Schultz of this outfit)
- Stephen Miller (probably deserves to be higher, but we can Nazi whom he’d actually overtake).
- Rudy Giulani (because we need to reward comic relief)