by John Walters
That’s Cold, Turkey
This turkey’s name is Michael Flynn.
One of these creatures deserves to be pardoned (because it is innocent), the other merits a DOJ investigation.
Someone wondered aloud on Twitter whether President Trump was going to pardon the entire turkey or only the white meat.
These are the jokes.
And here’s a fella who’s been doing some terrific impersonations on TikTok lately. This one of Tucker Carlson is spot-on:
A Team On A Remission
BYU, the only school in college football whose acronym also fits “Bob’s Your Uncle,” will not be playing this weekend. Not that they ever really were. But yeah, Washington reached out about a Saturday date and BYU knew that depended on Utah-Arizona State not working out and BYU said, “No sloppy seconds, thanks much,” but the problem is they should’ve said yes, anyway. That way even if the Utah-Arizona State did fall through (it did), at least the Cougars could’ve said they wanted the game. Now they look like posers.
Anyway, the worse team from Utah will be headed to Seattle Saturday (the Utes), due only to Pac-12 affiliations. Which is the game no one wants to see. Meanwhile, BYU was ranked 14th in the initial playoff poll which, we’re burying the lede, is an abomination.
Meanwhile, Minnesota and Wisconsin, whose streak of playing every year for 113 years is the nation’s in FBS, will not play this weekend due to Covid-19. The Badgers and Gophers will burrow into the Earth and remain in their holes. This is also the most played game between two schools in FBS (129 times), beginning in 1890.
The game will not be rescheduled. Paul Bunyan’s Axe will remain in mothballs. Sad!
Think of all the other events the game has overcome: the Spanish Flu, the Great Depression, the Lend-Lease Act, disco, the Dane Cook phenomenon. And this kills it? Wow.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average hits a record high and briefly eclipses 30,000. President Trump calls an impromptu presser to take a victory lap (maybe it had something to do with yesterday being the day the GSA acknowledged Biden as president-elect?). Also yesterday more than 2,100 Americans died of COVID-19 while it marked the first two-week period since the pandemic began that America recorded 2 million new cases in a fortnight.
President Trump was right: More testing, more bad news!
The More You Noah
This is Noah Harris. He’s 20 and was just elected student body president at Harvard. Harris, a native of Hattiesburg, Miss., becomes the nation’s oldest school’s first black student body president.
But is he really from Mississippi?
A Semi-Regular Reminder That China Is Fine With People Dying Any Way Possible
We were going to post a photo of the stairs Tianmen Shen (pro tip: follow
Hiking The Globe on Instagram) but then came across this photo, also from China. We love that this pathway exists and that some do-gooder group has not outlawed it on some sort of public safety basis. Let people have their adventures. And if they happen to die, so be it.
The staircase at Tianmen Shen.
This List, While Not Quite Garbage, Is Not Very Good
The New York Times, whose Arts & Leisure section was a little short of fresh ideas, ran a list “The 25 Greatest Actors of the 21st Century (So Far)” Here are some of the people who did not make the list (movie actors only): Ryan Gosling, Matt Damon (criminally under-appreciated), Paul Giamatti, Frances McDormand, Scarlett Johansson, Christian Bale, Jake Gyllenhaal, PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFMAN (I don’t care that he’s dead), Ed Norton, Michele Williams, Casey Affleck, Don Cheadle, Leo or Brad, Ethan Hawke, Sam Rockwell…
Should we go on? Joaquin Phoenix made it. Good. Tilda Swinton. Yes. Sairse Ronan. Of course. Of course. But the list is entirely TOO WOKE. Thanks a lot, Biden!