by John Walters

They Went To Jaret*

*The judges will also accept “JP More Gains” and “Right, Patterson!”

Buffalo running back Jaret Patterson had a game for the ages on Saturday. In a game between two 3-0 MAC squads, Patterson rushed for an astounding 409 yards and scored EIGHT touchdowns on runs of…. wait a minute here while I look it up… 3, 31, 42, 49, 1, 7, 11 and 58 yards.

On his TD runs alone, Patterson gained 202 yards.

Patterson’s eight TDs tie former Illinois running back Howard Griffith for the most ever in an FBS game (Sept. 22, 1990).

Patterson’s 409 yards (on 36 carries) fell 18 short of the 427 gained by Samaje Perine (Oklahoma) in 2014, and his mark is now in second place.

Patterson’s teammate, Kevin Marks, Jr., had a decent game with 97 yards and two touchdowns, but few will ever remember it.

Notre Dame’s center is named Jarrett Patterson (broke foot versus Boston College, out for rest of season). He’s considered the best player at his position in college football. But he’s not the best Jarrett/Jaret Patterson in college football.

Patterson now leads the FBS in rushing at 230 yards per game.

Nate Crime*

*The judges will also accept “Dunked On”

Is there a more 2020 headline than “Former NBA Dunk Contest Champ Knocked Cold By 23 Year-Old YouTube Sensation?” Probably, but this is certainly bizarre enough to make the annals. Nate Robinson, who is 36, 5’9″ and during an unlikely 13-year NBA career became the league’s first three-time slam dunk champ, was knocked out and cold by Jake “The Problem Child” Paul. Who is a YouTube millionaire.

It wasn’t pretty.

One Small Kick For Womenkind

In Columbia, Missouri, Sarah Fuller became the first female to play in an SEC and/or Power 5 football contest. The full-time keeper on Vanderbilt’s women’s soccer team, Fuller stepped in to assume kicking duties for the Commodores due to Covid-19.

Vandy being Vandy, it never scored and thus only kicked off once during the contest: a designed squib kick. The next day, Vanderbilt head coach Derek Mason was fired. Not because of this, but I’m sure Clay and Jason will find a way to correlate the two events.


We don’t want to spend too much time on the lame duck, only to note this “interview” (diatribe) with Fox Business’ Maria Bartiromo Sunday morning (oh, now she’s bemused). We watched this and thought of a comment from a CNN or MSNBC guest a couple weeks back who noted that Trump was in the early stages of DABDA (Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance) that all terminally ill folk go through.

But then we had a thought. We don’t believe the president will ever cycle through all five stages of DABDA. Denial and Anger, certainly, and to an extent even Bargaining (bits of all three in this rant). But Depression? Perhaps. Acceptance? Never.

That’s what makes him different. It’s also why so many people admire him, but this is not a virtue. It’s a flaw. Not a feature, but a bug. Not sure why so many people admire someone who can never admit they lost or they’re wrong, when they’ve clearly lost or are clearly wrong. That’s not heroic; it’s immature.

In An Instant

This is William “Rowdy” Harrell, who was living a dream life up until the moment it was all taken away. The Moundville, Ala., native was killed in a car crash last week while honeymooning in the Florida Keys. His wife, Blakley, also died in the accident. Harrell’s vehicle, a Toyota Corolla, apparently crossed the center line of a two-lane highway and struck a pickup truck. The other driver was treated for minor injuries.

Harrell was 30. He’d attended college, in Tuscaloosa, just up the road from his hometown. Walked on to the football team and was a part of THREE national championship squads for the University of Alabama (2009, 2011, 2012). Then he got a job with Hendrick Motor Sports as part of the pit crew. If you are a good ol’ boy, particularly one from Alabama, you’ve checked two of the three boxes (all that was missing was a stint on the Pro Bass Fishing Tour).

An incredible adventure. Cut tragically short.


Remember the Utah desert monolith? It’s disappeared. Kudos to whoever pulled this stunt, be they terrestrial or extra-terrestrial.

What needs to happen next is for it to keep making surprise cameos in unlikely places. Maybe at the next College GameDay?

3 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. Hope you & mamadubs had a good & safe Thanksgiving, jdubs. I spent the last 4 days re-watching the Harry Potter movies on USA channel’s Potter marathon & then yesterday, I FINALLY got to see the 4 Gilmore Girls Year in a Life mini-movies on the UP channel. 🙂 It’s been 4 years so you probably barely remember them, but I’ve been waiting & waiting for them to finally show up on cable. I loved parts, liked other parts, thought some parts (specifically in the 3rd & 4th movies) were self-indulgent & disliked some other bits. And I have QUESTIONS! How did Rory fly back & forth to London when she didn’t have a paying job at the time? Richard didn’t leave ANYTHING in his will for his daughter or granddaughter? Based on how Richard & Emily were portrayed & how they lived over the years, I’m assuming his estate was worth at least $15-20 million & he left them bubpkis? Emily was devoted to the DAR for 50 YEARS & suddenly was bored with them toying with the trophy wives? And speaking of Emily, for decades she discarded maids weekly & now she keeps not just the maid but her extended family & none can communicate with her? Her husband of 5 decades died so does that mean she was replaced with a pod-person?

    I knew before I started watching that Rory was going to be “flailing” so I didn’t yell at the TV the whole time about that but WHY did Lorelai suddenly go off to hike the Pacific West Trail? I didn’t quite understand what pushed her to attempt that – Rory writing the book about them or Michel planning to leave the inn after Sookie already had? Or that she & Luke never got married &/or had a kid together? ( I HATED that Sookie had left for some other “professional opportunity” but realize the actress probably wasn’t available to appear in all 4 movies).

    Overall, I LOVED seeing all the characters again & the actors & actresses that played them. However, it was bittersweet because it just reminded the viewer that we don’t get to KEEP seeing them. Have you ever read if they may do another “year”/mini-movies? I hope so & hopefully, I won’t have to wait another 4 years AFTER they “stream” to watch them!

    I realize this is “ancient” to you but given your love of GG, thought you would remember more about the movies than the average bloke. Besides, wouldn’t you rather think about/talk GG instead of how COVID is postponing/cancelling the next CF game(s)? 🙂

  2. Howard Griffith’s son plays with Jarrett Patterson at ND. Houston is his name and had a nice game against NC at safety when Hamilton was expelled for targeting.

    • Don, in the immortal words of Johnny Carson, “I DID not know that.” Thank you. I knew about Houston Griffith, just did not know it was Howard’s son.

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