by John Walters

Ted Cruise*

*The judges will accept almost anything on this one, from “Dick Dynasty” to “Ship Of Fools” to “Croc-of-Shit Infested Waters”

How do we get the right’s minds off the fact that President Biden has a 72% approval rating on how he’s handling the pandemic, still the most important crisis facing America? Let’s get a photo op on the Rio Grande to scare our racist and/or not-so-bright acolytes into thinking that suddenly illegal border crossings are a problem.*

*They were a problem last year and the year before that and the year before that. And if you really do believe they’re a problem, stop patronizing restaurants. Or start asking your landscaper to provide proof of residency. Or ask your local pol how come there aren’t any laws on the books promising jail time for employers who hire illegals.

In the same weekend Lindsey goes “Grahambo”, justifying his ownership of an AR-15 with the whole apocalypse in South Carolina followed by “the gang” overrunning the po po but somehow he’ll be able to take them on… as soon as he takes off his pink nightie and ushers his house boy out the back door.

Oh, and Dr. Deborah Birx concedes, Yeah, as a matter of fact, we probably did needlessly lose 400,000 American lives because I didn’t stand up to Donald Trump. So, hey, my bad.

Lowering The Boom On Boomers

As tortured and sophomoric as most of SNL‘s live sketches have been this season—when the show bothers to air, which is not much since the holidays—the pre-taped bits have been inspired and hilarious. Maybe they should go the SCTV route and do most of the show this way.

Anyway, here’s SNL tossing out truth grenades about baby boomers in the pandemic world. Every line hits, though we don’t think they needed the “Edith Puthie” part and do wonder what Melissa Villasenor’s cut part sounded like.

The more I listen to/watch this, the more I think it’s the best thing they’ve done all season.

Western Stars*

*The judges will also accept “Pacific Toast”

Gonzaga. Oregon State. UCLA. USC. Half of the Elite Eight are schools from a Pacific Coast state and only one of the schools (Michigan) is located east of the Mississippi River. There’s gotta be a way for ESPN to loan the rights to Bill Walton to CBS/Turner for tonight and tomorrow.

And yes, we prefer the Saturday-to-Tuesday setup for the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight games to Thursday to Sunday. The pandemic has brought many improvements.

Gonzaga’s 6’10” sophomore center Drew Timme (above) has been a monster thus far, on a team with more celebrated players. He’s gone for 30 and 22 in the 29-0 Zags’ last two wins. Gonzaga is looking to become the first team in 45 years (Indiana, 1976) to win the national championship undefeated.

The Power Of Love

This is Zach Skow, whose personal story of salvation and redemption (alcohol, drugs, liver transplant to founding a dog rescue foundation) you can learn more about here. And this is Henry.

Pretty amazing. Look at the difference love can make in a lost and lonely creature’s life. Good for Henry. And good for Zach. There is no weakness in empathy and kindness. Nothing, in fact, is more empowering.

Drop The Pilot

His name is Antonio Sena. Flying 3,000 feet above the Amazon back in January, ferrying fuel for wildcat miners mining illegally on protected land, the lone engine on his propeller plane failed.

Sena survived the crash landing without serious injury and then somehow, even more remarkably, survived 36 days in the Amazon rainforest among the jaguars and anacondas and poisonous insects, etc. He did lose 55 pounds, so if you’re looking for a diet to take off that pandemic weight, try his “Lost in the Amazon” diet. Looking at you, Ted Cruz.

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