by John Walters

“Five Guys At Three”

These words were famously uttered yesterday by San Francisco 49er coach Kyle Shanahan. Presumably, he was referring to the five passers who appear to have separated themselves from the pack in this year’s NFL (mock) draft: Trevor Lawrence (Clemson), Zach Wilson (BYU), Justin Fields (Ohio State), Trey Lance (North Dakota State) and Mac Jones (Alabama).

The simplest way to explain this? Shanahan is lying. Or the Niners are dumb.

First of all, Shanahan knows that Lawrence will not be around at No. 3 and that presumably neither will Wilson. So it’s between three QBs. What’s funny is that he’s still being coy— “I can’t guarantee that anybody in the world will be alive Sunday.” After all, the two teams above SF have not exactly been clandestine about their plans. No one is about to move ahead of the Niners to steal some player they secretly covet.

Our guess? If it IS a quarterback they covet, they’ll take Jones. They like the Bama pedigree, they like that he’s a thrower and not a two-way player (more susceptible to injury), they probably subconsciously like his upbringing relative to that of Fields (latently racist? The NFL? C’mon!), and they think they might groom the next Tom Brady.

Our call? Take Florida tight end Kyle Pitts, arguably the surest thing in this draft (“and the Oscar goes to… Anthony Hopkins“). Teaming him up with George Kittle will help turn any quarterback into an All-Pro. And Jimmy Garoppolo did lead the Niners to the Super Bowl a few years ago, no?

But the Niners will select Jones who, in keeping with the theme of this week (see next item), we will refer to as Big Mac.


The latest Fox NewsMax-OAN disinformation campaign revolves around the conspiracy that Joe Biden is coming for your hamburgers (I thought he was coming for your guns… and your capital gains). Because the nascent Biden presidency has failed to offer the GOP anything in terms of actual red meat (the stock market’s up to record levels and the Covid infections are down precipitously) they’ve had to invent this red herring.

What’s their beef? The fact that Biden has made such a seamless transition.

(featured speaker at next C-PAC convention).

Republicans: Stop having a cow, man. And some time this decade it would be nice if you returned to reality.

Rick? Ick

It almost feels as if erstwhile presidential candidate and first-ballot Milquetoast Hall of Famer Rick Santorum felt that he was getting lapped by Ted Cruz and Tom Cotton et al and needed to step up. So he provided this inaccurate, insensitive and utterly racist history lesson.

At a certain point I feel the need to ask my Republican brethren: What exactly are you in favor of besides power and white supremacy? Here in Arizona, the GOP-majority state legislature has hired a private company to recount the ballots of an election that took place nearly six months ago but even though we taxpayers are footing the bill we have no access to what these people or doing or how they’re recounting (never mind that even if they do, with their ultra-secret recounting, “find” that the election was “tainted,” that it would be locked up in courts until President Biden’s second term).

Of course, the object of the Cyber Ninja attack here in Maricopa County is not to overturn the election. They know that’s impossible. The object is to keep pearl-clutching Christian/white/conservatives in a constant state of distrust and fear. President Biden has not said or done anything outlandish or extreme? He’s vaccinated more than 200 million Americans in less than 100 days in office and the stock market’s at an all-time high? Well, we’ll just have to invent a reason to loathe him, I guess.

And then a complete tool such as Santorum, himself the son of an Italian immigrant, gives this bullsh*t speech that even John Wayne would blush at and people still lap it up? I’ve written this before and I’ll probably write it again: the Republican Party no longer (if it ever did) believes in democracy; it only believes in white supremacy. The sooner the rest of us accept this fact, the better-equipped we’ll be to combat it.

You Must Be Josh’in

If the internet was not invented for this, then I don’t know why it exists. The first annual “Battle of the Joshes” took place in Nebraska last Saturday, with 100s (dozens?) of Joshes convening to fight for their right to their name.

How’d it all start? A year ago, as the pandemic was just gaining juice, Josh Swain, a 22 year-old civil engineering student at the University of Arizona, grew frustrated that he was never able to register on social media under his actual name. He rounded up nine other “Josh Swain” types on social media and sent out this message:

You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today. Precisely, 4/24/2021, 12:00 PM, meet at these coordinates…[W]e fight, whoever wins gets to keep the name, everyone else has to change their name, you have a year to prepare, good luck.”

Before long 85,000 people had liked his post and it was on. Think of “Temecula” and “GameStop Robinhood Stonks” having a child out of wedlock and you’ve got “Battle of The Joshes.”

On Saturday, outside Lincoln, Neb., more than 1,000 people showed up at the designated spot and time to bear witness. While only about 50 of them were actual Joshes (and only two were Josh Swains, one of them being the patriarch of this bout), the battle did take place.

It renews our faith in humanity. In America.

Dunces With Wolves

The Utah Jazz still have the NBA’s best record (44-18). But last night the Jazz lost to the Minnesota Timberwolves, who have the league’s 2nd-worst record, for the third time this season (0-3) in the second time in the past four days.

No one is scared of the Jazz, despite their record. This is partly why.

4 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

  1. My brother, Josh, lives in Lincoln and did not participate in the fight. It did serve for some fun brother banter in our group text.

    • There are countless entertainment options on a Saturday in Lincoln so it is understandable that he was unable to attend

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