IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

 

No one balls quite like the Beard…

Harden My Heart

At halftime the score was 90-65. No, it wasn’t an All-Star Game, it was the Rockets at Suns. James Harden finished with 48 points, the highest total in the NBA this season, we believe. The Suns were led in scoring by someone named Troy Daniels. There’s no there there with this team….Rockets win, 142-116 (the third time Phx has lost by 25 or more and the season’s just one month old).

2. C’s The Day

We don’t know how they’re doing it, either. With only a single starter who is a legit All-Star, Kyrie Irving, and without their No. 2 player (Gordon Hayward) since early in the season-opening game, the Celtics just won their 14th in a row last night, taking down the NBA champion-Golden State Warriors in Boston, 92-88.

Stephen Curry was held to 9 points while ALL FIVE Celtic starters finished in double figures. Brad Stevens, you are a magician.

3. Al-abama? Franken-stein? Mr. Groper? Help Us

Assault or a dumb joke captured on camera? Or both?

Him, too? Yep. Senator Al Franken (D-Minnesota) is the latest male harasser to be outed, this time by former Fox Sports personality and current LA deejay Leeann Tweeden. We’re not sure about the gravity of the allegations, but we do know that Franken has already apologized and Tweeden has already accepted his mea culpa. Will Franken’s career go down the tubes, or will he survive in the Senate because he’s “good enough, he’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like him?”

The incident above took place on a USO Tour in 2006, before Franken became a senator. Creepily, Franken wrote a skit in which Tweeden would have to kiss him.

4. Ooze Control

Yesterday was another Terrible Day For planet Earth under the Worst Wing.

In South Dakota, just five days before the Public Service Commission in Nebraska will decide whether to grant a permit for a new, long-delayed sister pipeline called Keystone XL, the Keystone Pipelie (no “n”) spills more than 210,000 gallons of oil. Read this in Esquire by Charles Pierce.

Meanwhile, for some reason, the Trump administration is reversing a ban on bringing elephant trophies from Africa into the U.S.

These are the WORST people. My heart is honestly breaking.

5. Musk-Have Vehicle?

Elon Musk makes the cover of the Rolling Stone. The Velvet Underground is still waiting….

Let’s face it: Elon Musk is the kind of name you give to a super villain in an Avengers film (please note: The only superhero film I’ve watched in the past 25 years is Deadpool; no lie). Now, as you await your new Model 3 Tesla, the South African native has unveiled a $250,000 Roadster and an electric semi-truck.

Laugh at Musk (and Bitcoin) all you want, and we know they’re unrelated, but they’re the future. You cannot stop it (please note, people who think pipelines of oil crossing the country north to south are what we should be doing; talk about a continental divide).

Music 101

Lovefool

Give the Swedes this: they know how to write a hook. First, Abba, and now here, in the mid-Nineties, the Cardigans. The song rose to No. 2 for Nina Persson and her bandmates, whose album was titled First Band On The Moon. They would never find this level of success again, though they had another song featured at the end of an episode in Season 1 of Mad Men.

Remote Patrol

Saturday

Michigan at Wisconsin

Noon Fox

UCLA at USC

8 p.m. ABC

Taylor: swift

One game really matters and is a terrific way to begin your day, the other is one of the more glamorous annual rivalries in college football. Watch Jonathan Taylor-Not-Thomas, a finalist for the Herschel Award, take on Rashan Gary of Michigan. Then it’s Sam Darnold versus Josh RosenRosen in the nightcap. It’s a bad, bad day in college football pairings, but these two are decent.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Process Is Real

In L.A., Joel Embiid puts in a career-high 46 points as the Sixers defeat the Los Angeles Lakers, 115-109. Embiid, the most astounding 7-footer to wear “PHILA” across his chest since Wilt Chamberlain, also grabbed a game-high 15 rebounds.

Lonzo Ball shot 1-9 and 0-6 from beyond the arc, finishing with 2 points. He attempted no free throws. Maybe….maybe?….he would have been better off remaining at UCLA (providing mentoring for little brother LiAngelo).

2. Donald Wins The Day

 

Y’all know how we feel about 45 and The Worst Wing, but he definitely won the day on Twitter yesterday with his UCLA 3 tweets. A few things:

 

  1. That first Kirk Herbstreit-inspired “You should be thanking me” tweet was pure gold, but it also served to distract folks from his tweet of the previous evening when he offered T&P to Sutherland Springs, when that day’s mass shooting was at Tehama Ranch (in fairness, who can keep up?).
  2. What Trump did was a generous thing, but was it a good thing? We don’t think so. All it reinforced is that fame is a privilege that allows people to obviate the law and/or accountability. Just like wealth. The rest of us are sitting in that jail cell for a year.
  3. Here’s hoping that UCLA, which has announced the trio’s “indefinite” suspensions, suspends them for the entire season. If they want to leave, good riddance. They didn’t just rip off one store, they ripped off three. This wasn’t a clutch-and-go. It was a spree.
  4. A few reasons I’m no fan of “The Six”: co-host Michael Smith assured us that the players had “learned their lesson” (oh, you know that?) and then asserted they were being used as political props (in actuality, they were able to use the political system for amnesty). Also, Jemele Hill mispronounced it as “Mar-KAY-zi.” We’ve always known our pal as Arash Mar-KAH-zi. If we’re wrong, let us know, buddy.

    Under Armour beats Under House Arrest

3. In Painting News….

Two painting items in one morning? Why, yes! First, Deadpool 2 had a clever idea for a trailer, with Ryan Reynolds paying tribute to the late Bob Ross‘ old PBS show, “The Joy of Painting.”

“He’s got the whole world in His hands/He’s got the whole world in His hands….”

Later, a Leonardo Da Vinci original, “Salvator Mundi” (Savior of the World; thanks, Mr. Brennan), sold for a whopping record price of $450 million at auction. That’s more than two times as much the previous record for a painting sold at auction (a Picasso that fetched $179 million just two years ago). No word yet on whether that price tag includes shipping and handling. Click this link so you can see the moment the auctioneer announces, “Sold!”

The painting, which is believed to have been completed in 1490, was “rediscovered” in 2005. Some experts doubt its authenticity. Imagine ponying up half a billion for a copy.

4. Less of Moore is More

Did we expect better from Roy Moore‘s attorney? Probably not, but this from Trenton Garmon was such a loud dog-whistle that it woke up my kitty cat. You almost hope that some adult in his thirties “dates” Garmon’s daughter. Almost.

5. Terror In Tampa

Forget mass murderers; serial killers are the hot retro homicidal maniacs. After all, there’s no sense of dread with mass murderers, just instantaneous panic that only lasts until you or he no longer survives. Serial killers, on the other hand, create a fog of fear that can linger over an area for weeks, months, even years (we just watched Zodiac again).

Anyway, there appears to be one of the latter on the loose in a Tampa neighborhood, where four people have been gunned down in separate incidents recently. A lead: Cops have the same man on surveillance video from two of the crimes (note: when will the quality of surveillance video be upgraded?)

Reserves

Alas, Randy Rainbow makes too much sense….again….

Music 101

Jump

This is only the second-best song from our high school years with this title (we see you, Diamond Dave). Was never a big fan of Loverboy, from the band’s name to the lead singer Mike Reno’s over-the-top headband to the song “When It’s Over.” Or maybe it’s just that they were from Calgary (no, wait, we like Canadians). This 1981 song was a turn-it-up tune at desert boondockers, though.

Remote Patrol

Banking On Bitcoin

Netflix

Yesterday morning on CNBC, David Faber said, “I need a day to learn about Bitcoin. Is there someone out there who can give us a tutorial?” As a matter of fact, yes. Last night the staff convened at MH International HQ to take in this doc, which is less than 90 minutes. Highly intriguing and highly educational. Bitcoin, at least from what we sussed out, are the good guys here.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

The judges will not accept “He Be Trippin’)

Say Goodnight, Grayson (“Goodnight, Grayson!”)

It sounds like an early Sixties lineup, Duke’s starting five: “Grayson Allen and the four freshmen.” Last night Allen, a senior (what is that, college hoops millennials inquire?) scored a career-high 37 as the top-ranked Dookies outlasted No. 2 Michigan State, 88-81. The game was much closer than that all night until the final three minutes.

Let the Grayson Allen Redemption Tour begin. He’s the most talented/hated Dookie since Christian Laettner and like CL, he’s got a chance to exit Durham with two national championship rings.

Bagley looked a lot like Joel Embiid, including missing lots of playing time due to injury

Tom Izzo, bizarrely, moves to 1-11 versus Coach K. Also, Duke superfrosh Marvin Bagley III sat out most of the game after a teammate inadvertently sent Three Stooges on one of his peepers. There’s no eye in team.

2. Jet Lag?

As he arrived back in the U.S.A. yesterday to news of the mass shooting in Tehama Ranch, California, Donald Trump tweeted the following:

“May God be with the people of Sutherland Springs, Texas. The FBI and Law Enforcement has arrived…”

To be fair, our president is a 70 year-old man and who can keep up with it all. After all, both Sutherland Springs (26 killed) and Tehama Ranch (4 dead) happened while he was overseas in Asia.

 

3. Chll Out, Miami and Wiscy*

Everyone likes Wisconsin, and most of us believe Alex Hornibrook would be just the dude to lead them to a 35-0 shellacking by Alabama or Clemson in a national semifinal

*The judges point you to today’s music selection below

The weekly CFP selection rankings came out last night, and do you think Herbie was just the slightest bit agitated about having to fly to Chicago on a Tuesday at this late point in the season to appear during the intermission of a hoops doubleheader? Anyway, here are the top eight, in order…

Alabama, Clemson, Miami, Oklahoma, Wisconsin, Auburn, Georgia, Notre Dame.

Almost immdiately, our friend and voluble Cane yelper, Ian Hest, was out on Twitter lambasting The U’s low placement.

 

On ESPN2 a female anchor (Jade McCarthy? Jade Scorpion? We ain’t sure…) seemed almost about to cry regarding Wisconsin’s position at 5th as an undefeated Power 5 school. She asked Booger McFarland, or as we call him, The Snot, and his reply we have since tattooed on our chest: “I believe that you have to play somebody. Just because you have that zero at the end of your name doesn’t mean you are automatically in.”

You tell her, Snot.

We’re about seven weeks away from Hunter Renfrow catching a TD pass in a third consecutive national championship contest.

Kids, kids, kids: RELAX. Every single team currently in the Top 7 is in if they win. Alabama? In. Clemson? In, and Miami out if Clemson wins out. Miami? In and Clemson out if Miami wins out. Oklahoma? The Badgers at 13-0? In, because Clemson or the Canes will drop out.

Auburn at 11-2? In, because, again, Miami or Clemson will drop and so likely will Alabama.

Georgia at 12-1? Yes, because the Pooches will have taken down Auburn and Alabama and have a better or equal record.

The highest ranked team that we just don’t see making the playoff if it wins out is Notre Dame. And the Irish wouldn’t deserve it, so there’s no problem.

Meanwhile, Miami and Wisconsin fans: You either haven’t beaten anyone in the Top 10 (Wiscy), or haven’t beaten anyone tough on the road (both), or have scraped past a few marginal teams to this point (Canes). Relax. And yes, Alabama barely beat Mississippi State on the road, but they’ve looked way better than either of you all season and, okay, for the past decade. It’ll all come out in the wash on December 2.

Simmer down. Simmer down now!

4. Blake Show

So six years later People magazine (yes, they’re still around) gets around to naming the other male star of The Voice as its Sexiest Man Alive. The choice of Blake Shelton is a safe one: it appeals to MAGA-land and the show happens to be one of, if not THE, most popular non-NFL program on television.

If it’s a country music star, we’d have gone with Brad Paisley, just because he’s funny and cool, too.

The first SMA was announced in 1985. Do you know who he was? Also, two previously names SMA’s are now dead. Can you name them?

Answers at bottom of today’s column….

5. But Did They Stop at Pink’s Hot Dogs? 

 

There are Carpool Karaoke guests, and then there are those who can really, really sing. Adele, for one. Bruno Mars, also. And then there’s Philadelphia’s own Alecia Moore, a.k.a. Pink. Take a listen (Stay tuned until the end; it’s worth it, as they do a non-Stranger Things version of the Upside Down).

Reserves

Public Service Announcement: Bernie Bernstein is not Bonnie Bernstein….

****

Fox News’ own Shepherd Smith debunks Uranium One (which sounds like a ’70s sci-fi film)

 

****

Perfect Tomi

 

Music 101

Chillout Tent

In the early aughts, as BROOKLYN was achieving hipster nirvana, there was no cooler local band than The Hold Steady. Hoist a Pabst and twirl your ironic mustache in tribute to this band and this awesome anthem dedicated to festival goers. That’s Elizabeth Elmore and David Pirner of Soul Asylum adding vocals.

Remote Patrol

Sixers at Lakers

10:30 p.m. ESPN

Hey, now, he’s going to be an All-Star….

Okay, we’re intrigued: Joel Embiid, Ben Simmons, Kyle Kuzma and Lonzo Ball. By the way, we know he’s hurt, but how dumb does the selection of Markelle Fultz look now? Jayson Tatum would’ve been a better fit for all involved in Philly, except Tatum, no?

 

Answers: Mel Gibson; John F. Kennedy, Jr., and Patrick Swayze

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Pub Note: Stay tuned for next week’s salute to Moby Dick, when the blog will become “It’s All Harpooning”

Starting Five

1. Talkin’ About A Revolution

Gentlemen’s Quarterly names 30 year-old unemployed NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick its Citizen of the Year and dresses him up in early ’70s blaxploitation garb. You may see CK as a principled man who stood up (by kneeling) for something in which he believed and in so doing forfeited material gains; or you may see him as an unemployed black dude.

You will not see Sports Illustrated, whose subscriber demo is white males above the age of 50, following suit for its Sportsperson of the Year award.

2.  “Moore, Moore, Moore/How Do You Like It? How Do You Like It?”*

*The judges will also accept “Faith No Moore” with the subhed “You want it all/But you can’t have it”

Like thousands of other teenaged girls, Beverly Young Nelson’s academic year just wouldn’t be complete until she enticed the local district attorney to sign the inside flap of her high school yearbook. CREEPERS! This entire episode is like Stranger Things: 6.

Yesterday Nelson, well into middle age, was the latest Alabama woman to accuse Roy Moore, the Republican nominee for Jeff Sessions’ vacant Senate seat in Alabama, of sexually assaulting her when she was underage. Recommended: Moore’s Friday night interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, above.

 

Above, the infamous “non-denial denial” from an attorney. UPDATE: As a few sharp tweeps have pointed out, Hannity inserted the word “late” into the question. That way, even if we could prove Moore is lying here, he can always fall back on the fact that some were of legal age. Had Hannity asked, “underage” instead of “late” teens, this question takes on much more heft.

 

Above, total creepers.

3. Getting Your Rozov

World record-setting BASE jumper Valery Rozov died on Saturday (you’ll never guess how). The Russian stunt performer, 52, was attempting a jump in a wing suit off 22,349-foot Mount Ama Dablam in the Himalayas when he crashed into the side of a cliff (Rule No. 1, kids; Rule No. 1).

It’s better to really, really live and die younger than to never have lived at all (Rule 58).

Rozov’s record-setting leap.

4. Riposare In Pace, Italia

For the first time since 1958, my native peeps, the Italians, will not be a part of the World Cup. The Azzurri lost 1-0 to Sweden in a qualifier yesterday, ensuring their absence from next summer’s tournament in Russia. That’s okay: we assume Pope Francis is pulling for Argentina, anyway.

Italy will be the only country that has previously won a World Cup that will not be represented at the 2018 World Cup. Then again, only eight different nations have won a World Cup.

5. Top Jimmy

Last night Jimmy Kimmel celebrated his 50th birthday and part of the party included a Mean Tweets edition in which an impressive array of celebrities (Howard Stern, David Letterman, Liam Neeson, etc.) read tweets directed at the host. Pardon me while I clutch my Turnover Pearls, but I found the bit more depressing than funny. Only one tweet was actually funny (the one read by Larry David); the rest were actually just vulgar and devoid of any true humor. Insult comedy should still have a little bit of wit to it, no?

You be the judge.

Reserves

When you have to put your strength coach into concussion protocol. The offending player, Latrelle Lee of Tennessee State, was kicked off the team and expelled. You sort of wonder what set him off, but nothing the coach said warranted that. By the way, look at No. 45. His hands never leave his waist.

****

 

 This is where we are as a nation right now. Stefon Diggs scores a touchdown on Sunday against the Redskins and the person above decides that he’s mimicking the 9/11 attacks. And I suppose if I mention that Diggs is black I’m the one who’s obsessed with race. If you really do the mental gymnastics, can you make a case that he/she’s correct? I guess if you want to see that, you can. I doubt that’s what was going on (I mean, he could’ve gotten a teammate to leap into the other goalpost moments after if he was truly concerned about artistic expression, no?).

Music 101

Set Fire To The Rain

Six years ago this month Adele’s 2nd single from 21 went to No. 1.

Remote Patrol

No. 2 Michigan State vs. No. 2 Duke

7 p.m. ESPN

24 miles bridge: According to Gunness, the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway just north of New Orleans is the longest miles bridges

Even if you’re not ready for college basketball season to begin (at least until Thanksgiving weekend, thanks), this right-cheaah may be the premier matchup of the season. Sparty boasts the favored preseason national player of the year in sophomore swingman Miles Bridges, while Duke comes back with everyone’s favorite dastardly villain, Grayson Allen, along with super frosh Marvin Bagley III. From Chicago.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

“President Trump celebrated Veterans’ Day by finally visiting Vietnam” — Colin Jost, “Weekend Update”

(Trump really did have the ‘nads to visit Vietnam on Nov. 11. Seriously.)

Starting Five

Rookie Jayson Tatum is averaging 13.6 and 5.8 so far.

Boston? Strong

The Boston Celtics, without Gordon Hayward, won their 12th consecutive game on Sunday, 95-94 versus Toronto. Brad Stevens is a genius, because this is a lineup without Isaiah Thomas or Hayward, and yesterday even Kyrie Irving was out. The Celtics have the NBA’s top record (12-2) and Bill Simmons is ecstatic.

2. Nice Bling, Miami

The No. 7 Hurricanes owned the No.  3 Irish in the first contest between these two in Miami since 1989. The Irish had beaten the Canes four times since then, but Miami has now beaten the Irish six consecutive time in their area code. Meanwhile, Notre Dame has played two games in Hard Rock Stadium and lost 42-14 to Alabama and 41-8 to the Canes.

The difference? Many—the Irish looked out of it from the second time Miami got the ball—but you first must look at the four turnovers Miami recorded: three picks, one of them housed, and a fumble. The T.O.s resulted in 24 points, while the Irish, for the first time all year, failed to record one.

 

The Turnover Chain is for real. Because it feels that way. Perception has become truth.

Miami extends the nation’s longest win streak to 14 games, while the Irish can forget about the playoff.

3. SEAL Team Sick

The apparent murder of U.S. Army Green Beret staff sergeant Logan Melgar is a little bit A Few Good Men but a lot more Better Call Saul. If you remember why Mike Ehrmentraut’s good-cop son was killed, then you pretty much understand the case of Melgar.

The 34 year-old Texas native, stationed with a few other operatives in the African nation of Mali, had discovered that a pair of Navy SEALs were stealing from a fund used to pay informants. When they realized he was aware of it, they offered to cut him in. Melgar refused. Then he died of asphyxiation.

What is the penalty for murder in the military? Do they still hang people?

4. The Worst Wing Opens A Satellite Office In Alabama

Whenever you can destroy two white supremacists with one tweet, you gotta go for it:

 

Meanwhile, Disruptor-In-Chief Steve Bannon has dispatched “reporters” to Alabama to discredit the then 14 year-old’s story and here’s what they’ve come up with (and HOW they’ve pitched it):

 

Deplorable copy reading

If you happen to be an evangelical and you still support Roy Moore, you’re actually a white supremacist. The rest of us already knew this; now you’ve just gonna ahead and proved it. Psst: Jesus was not a white supremacist. Not even Sweet Baby Jesus was.

5. Player Demonstrations

The NFL and its fans seem to have a much stronger stomach for player demonstrations this season if it’s in the form of touchdown celebrations that ape childhood games. On Sunday the Minnesota Vikings went leapfrog (above) while last Thursday the Kansas City Chiefs went potato-sack race.

The MH staff believes this began back in early October in Chicago when the Vikes went duck-duck-goose after a KyleRudolph TD catch. We’ve seen another team play hide-and-go seek. Still waiting for a spin-the-bottle charade.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we later learned that the players were doing this as their own, for-our-eyes-only protest to what’s been going on in this country? Maybe so, maybe not. But it does make you wonder why the refs are not flagging them for excessive celebration. I guess it’s not seen as taunting, but it’s also, for The Shield, a respite from players taking a knee during the anthem. Sometimes you have to give the inmates a small victory, no?

Meanwhile, the 49ers won their first game of the season against the New York Giants (who themselves have only one victory), leaving the Cleveland Browns (0-9) all alone as the worst NFL team and likely making USC’s Sam Darnold think long and hard about staying in school one more year. Baker Mayfield is going to win the Heisman, but you’d be better off not taking the six-footer who holds the football too long as your QB at the NFL level. And I hate betting against Baker Mayfield, but he’s not quite Russell Wilson, is he?

Reserves

Never change, Bill Walton. Never change.

***

Earthquake on the Iraq-Iran border of magnitude 7.7 kills more than 300. You probably did not know any of them…

***

No. 5 Kentucky holds on to defeat Vermont, 73-69. Meanwhile, unranked Appalachian State holds on against Toccoa Falls, 135-34. Yes, that’s right. The vanquished team should now be known as Toccoa Falls Hard?

****

Quick Curb Review: Larry is kicked out of a yoga class for refusing to say, “Namaste” (“There is no light within me…”), uses Asperger’s as an excuse for poor behavior (“I’m on the spectrum”), is rated as a “2” from a dating standpoint if he were on Uber and is rated even lower by an actual Uber driver from Romania, and Leon gets off the line of the night after a white man mistakes him for Larry and he does Larry a solid, thereby feeling entitled to remain in Larry’s 92-degree home having sex with the very yoga instructor who booted Larry from the class: “Namaste here mother*ck*r.”

Romanian. Give it a Bucharest, Larry.

Music 101

Got To Be Real

In 1978 at the apex (or nadir, if you wish) of the disco era, Cheryl Lynn released this hit that went to No. 12 on the pop chart and No. 11 on the disco chart. The session guitarist was Ray Parker, Jr., who would have a bigger hit a few years later with the theme from Ghostbusters.

A Word, Please

Sinecure, noun

A position requiring little or no work but providing status or financial benefit (e.g., replay guy for networks)

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

F-U., C.K.

You too, Louie? Noooooooooooo!

Yesterday afternoon The New York Times outed our favorite comedian (“Everything’s amazing, and nobody’s happy…”), Louis C.K., as a serial in-your-face onanist. Vulture.com speculates that C.K., the premiere of whose film I Love You, Daddy, which involved a too-close-for-comfort Woody Allen-type character, was shelved just hours prior to the curtain rising yesterday, is done professionally. We’ll see.

Glen, Betty. Creepers.

Soon after that news broke, a former female writer on Mad Men accused series creator Matt Weiner of once calling her into his office and telling her that she “owed it to [him] to see her naked.” Now how would anyone suspect a guy who wrote his own prepubescent son into a story arc that involves an inappropriate relationship with Betty Draper as being a perv? C’mon!

2. Lock Him Up

My, what a small gun you have, mister.

Turning to more sexual predator breaking news, Alabama Republican and senatorial candidate Judge Roy Moore, the homophobic xenophobe (or if you prefer, xenophobic homophobe) who whips out his gun at rallies, has been accused by a woman of having an inappropriate relationship when she was only 14 years old (Moore, then an assistant DA, was 32). The story in The Washington Post found at least three other underage females who had gone out with Moore when he was in his 30s.

It gets creepier: Moore allegedly picked her up at a custody hearing. Hers.

Breitbart defended Moore (without denying ALL of the allegations) before the story in The Washington Post even appeared, which means they have a direct pipeline to Moore’s/the Alt-Right’s headquarters and heart (Hello, Steve B.). Obviously, the Post had phoned Moore seeking comment and his staff alerted Breitbart so that they could run a “prebuttal” piece.  Part of that piece downplayed Moore’s dating a 17 year-old, saying that the girl “characterized Moore as being romantic, reading poetry to her, and playing the guitar. The woman is cited saying that physical contact only involved kissing and did not progress any further.”

Again….creepers.

Once upon a time, an Alabama lawyer and a little girl were involved in a healthy relationship

Steve Bannon compared the allegations to the Access Hollywood tape, meaning that he saw it as no more than a partisan hit job coming right before an election. We’ll say this: If you want to go that route, yes, it IS possible that a far-left group created this entire story with willing “victims” to undermine Moore’s election. That is possible. However, the reason it is not like the Access Hollywood tape is that in the latter, there was actual on-camera evidence of the candidate bragging about sexual assault. So, for us, Roy Moore is not yet in the league of Donald Trump in terms of sexual predations. Congrats, Judge.

Meanwhile, as fringe elements of Republicans STILL cling to a defense of Moore, people are asking what the GOP stands for. But maybe the question is more literal than that. What does “GOP” stand for? A few suggestions:

Guardians Of Pedophiles

Guns Over People

Gutless Obsequious Panderers

3. Catholics And Convicts

We’re going to promote this little story we wrote that appeared in yesterday’s The Athletic and is still up on the site. The premise (we don’t know if the link will work) is that notorious U of the 1980s was a lot like Knute Rockne’s Notre Dame of the 1920s.

For the price of a small cup of coffee, you can have access to The Athletic every month

4. WNB-EH?

Our (unpaid) North-of-the-Border correspondent, Moose, alerts us to the story of the Edmonton Grads, the archetype dominant women’s hoops team. Before UConn, before Tennessee, even before Immaculata, there were the Grads, who won the first women’s world championship (1924) and who between 1915-1940 compiled a record of 502-20. The Grads went to four Olympics, finishing 27-0 at the Games, but did not win a medal since women’s hoops was simply an exhibition sport then.

Be the first on your block to own this retro jersey

Here’s a swell video on The Grads, who have one surviving member left, 95 year-old Kay McBeth (“Out, out, brief candle!”). According to Moose, they were inducted into the Canadian Sports Hall of Fame  last night.

Fellow Canadian James Naismith who, you know, invented basketball, called the Grads “the finest basketball team that ever stepped out on a floor,” but who knows, maybe he was just trying to get into their shorts (See Items 1 and 2, above).

5. Nabbed!

This is Eric Rivers, who had just robbed a bank and was in the process of scoping out a few more when he stopped in suburban Atlanta to give a man-on-the-street interview about the lack of public transportation. A tipster phoned in and said he resembled the bank robber, and Rivers was soon apprehended. Idris Elba will play him in the TV movie. Do they still make TV movies? I don’t think so.

Music 101

Lollipops and Roses

As our staffers were downloading this video, the TV was providing us the details of the allegations against Louis C.K. Holy juxtaposition, Batman! Jack Jones was talented and handsome but somehow failed to become the successor to Frank Sinatra and by the time we happened upon him in the Seventies, he was singing the theme to The Love Boat. Jones, who has been married six times, won the Grammy in 1962 (Best Male Pop Performance) for this song. He’s still around, performing in Vegas at age 79.

Reserves

Clay Travis: Liar or Bad At Math

Last Friday the founder of Outkick The Coverage reported he was 57-55 on his college football gambling picks for the season (I guess you could go back and fact-check if even those numbers are accurate). Then he proceeded to go 4-7 in his picks.

This week he returns claiming he is 64-61 on the season, although if you add those numbers from up above, the sum should be 61-62. So what’s up with that, we wonder?

Remote Patrol

No. 9 Washington at Stanford

10:30 p.m. FS1

Dante Pettis is the NCAA’s all-time leader in punt return touchdowns with 9…

An uncommonly compelling Pac-12 After Dark on a Friday evening. The Pooches need to win to keep the Great Scott Conference’s slim playoff hopes alive, while Bryce Love needs a showcase game on national television to continue the Cardinal’s grand tradition of producing a Heisman runner-up. We’ll be watching.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

Brad Paisley Park and A Better Underwood Than Frank

Kids, I hoped you watched the CMA’s last night, or at least the opening. Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood were their usual brilliant selves—imagine if they did this, say, 10 to 22 times per year as opposed to just once (nudge, nudge, network execs)—poking fun the left, right and alt-right. This is how Sonny and Cher used to do it, and Bob Hope, too. There’s a way to have fun at politicians’ expense without being so hostile (we’ve obviously not mastered that trick).

I don’t know if the entire opening will ever be available on YouTube, but here’s what I’m able to share. Also, if you can find Little Big Town’s tribute to Glen Campbell with “Wichita Lineman,” we’d love to see it.

2. Rockin’ The Paradise Papers

If you have yet to dive into the “Paradise Papers” (guilty), let me tell you that there are a plethora of folks inside the Beltway and on Wall Street that hope you never do. The super-rich and super-influential don’t play by the rules when it comes to accumulating wealth and hiding it, and this information about having offshore bank accounts so that they can avoid paying taxes exposes them.

There are like, 13 million files that have been leaked, so good luck sifting through it all, journos. Some of the people who have offshore holdings are Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and chief economic advisor Gary Cohn, who yesterday told CNBC, “I’m not embarrassed at all. This is the way the world works.”

It’s true. A lot of this is legal. Wall Street is brazen when it comes to the notion that they deserve to be rich and things don’t need to be fair.

3. China Bitch

If we hear just one of these dudes use the word “adversity,” we’re going to vomit.

You have to hand it to UCLA Bruins LiAngelo Ball, Jalen Hill and Cody Riley. Sure, the trio were phenomenally stupid for stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store in Hangzhou—I mean, what store security guard in China is going to pay attention to three tall African-American young men, right?

On the other hand, they did the deed and were arrested in the very week that a U.S. president visits China, which doesn’t happen every day. There has to be some pressure on the Chinese to make this go away.

Our bet is that they get a fine and a slap on the wrists and may even be able to travel back home with their teammates this weekend. Now we’ll just have to see how Steve Alford and Westwood World handles it.

4. Coke Zero*

*The judges will also accept “Record Snortfall” and “Blow Hole”

In Colombia, officials seized a record amount of cocaine, 12 tons, with a street value of $360 million. It’s the largest haul of its kind. In related news, your Thanksgiving weekend high school reunions are going to suck (as opposed to blow).

5. Outer Spacey

Remember, Kevin Spacey is a two-time Oscar winner, and there are not many of those. He also appears to be a serial sexual predator, and there are many of those. Yesterday Heather Unruh, a former news anchor in Boston, held a press conference to report that Spacey sexually assaulted her son at a Nantucket bar, the Club Car (we’ve tipped a few back there…without incident) last summer (I’ll leave the limerick to you). In her address, Unruh stated that Spacey flirted with her 18 year-old son (yes, he was underage) and then stuck his hands down his pants. “Spacey stuck his hand inside my son’s pants and grabbed his genitals.”

I don’t think Spacey’s going to be invited back to the Oscars lunch this winter. His career is over.

Reserves

Roy Halladay plane crash video…

Music 101

Belong

It’s the 25th anniversary of REM’s “classic” album, Automatic For The People, but I actually like 1991’s Out Of Time (and NOT because of “Losing My Religion;” almost in spite of it). This is just one of many gems from REM in the midst of its peak, if that’s possible.

Remote Patrol

Cavs at Rockets 

8 p.m. TNT

The second half of this doubleheader is Thunder at Nuggets, but I’d much rather watch Sixers at Kings. Wouldn’t you? Are the Cavaliers still fun, by the way? Sure, Susie B. thinks so, but they’re going to miss Kyrie for a loooooooooong time.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Our editorial board is mulling adding a second daily, Fox News Channel-styled offering that would be titled “It’s Alt-Happening!” It’s all about monetizing, after all….

Starting Five

Death Takes A Halladay*

*The judges are already sorry.

Two 20-win seasons. Two Cy Young Awards. One of 21 perfect games in Major League history. One of two postseason no-hitters. Roy Halladay, who has a Hall of Fame resume, passes away at age 40 when his 2018 model ICON A5 amphibious plane crashes into the Gulf of Mexico.

 

Halladay, as his Twitter feed attests, loved flying. His father was a retired commercial pilot. He leaves a wife and two children.

2. Big Bailer Brand*  **

*The judges wish to credit Jamie Reidy for this hed, but they don’t want it to go to his head, which is bald. 

**The judges will also accept “Shanghai Surprise”

***And “Great Ball of China”

****As well as “Ball in a China Shop

*****But not “Wooden You Know It” or “From Chino to China”

UCLA’s study-abroad program needs some work. Three Bruins, including freshman LiAngelo Ball, were arrested for shoplifting during the team’s trip to China to play Georgia Tech.

 

 No idea what the penalty is for shoplifting in China, or if there’s some sort of “Brokedown Palace-meets-Hoop Dreams” drama in the offing. All I know is that shoplifting before your first game is not in John Wooden’s “Pyramid of Success.”

3. Yes, Virginia*

*The judges will also accept, “Roem, If You Want To” as well as “Trans-formation”

The pendulum swings back in Virginia, as Danica Roem, a trans woman (Dem) running for the state’s house of delegates, unseats incumbent anti-LBGT extremist Bob Marshall (GOP).

Meanwhile, in both New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats win the gubernatorial races. The Joisey boy is Phil Murphy while the Commonwealth winner is Ralph Northam. As long as this makes Donald Trump, Jr., unhappy, we’re happy.

Gillespie polled well with white, non-educated voters (some of whom are very fine people). Northam did better with female voters.

4. The Scenic Route

We often check out bbc.com to steal see what’s on their site. In today’s Travel section they have a piece on “The World’s Most Beautiful Road,” on which we were fortunate enough to drive. It’s Chapman’s Peak Drive, which winds south of Cape Town to the bottom of the peninsula. It really does feel as if you’re driving to the end of the planet and yes, you may even see penguins. If you ever get the chance—better yet, make the chance—visit Cape Town.

5. Keepin’ It 140

Plus 40

Twitter has doubled amount of characters we are allowed per tweet. Does the word “logorrhea” mean anything to you? Probably not, because we have yet to include it ion “A Word, Please.”

 

Music 101

Surrender

Seventies Power Rock, thy name is Cheap Trick! Lead singer Robin Zander, Rockford, Ill.’s answer to Robert Plant; Bun E. Carlos, the drummer who looked like an accountant and always had a cigarette dangling from his mouth; and Rick Nielsen: Did Angus Young steal his schoolboy schtick or is it the other way around? Nobody remembers the fourth guy. Sorry. I really hope Mike Damone was able to find a buyer for those tickets to Friday night’s show. This tune peaked at No. 62 in the Summer of ’78, which was a damn fine summer for music, by the way. We’re all alright! We’re all alright! We’re all alright!!!!!

Remote Patrol

51st Country Music Awards

8 p.m. ABC

Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, as we’ve noted her before, deserve an Emmy for the work they do each year on this opening. This will be the first CMA’s since Yuge-Know-Who was elected president. Should be interesting.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Sending out good wishes for our friend Tim Prister, who suffered a heart attack on Saturday, and is an outstanding writer and reporter for Irish Illustrated. Few writers, if any, understand the game of football better than Tim does.

Starting Five

October 15, 1988

The 13th Game

As a pair of Top 10 teams, Notre Dame and Miami, prepare to square off in south Florida this weekend, and as ESPN guru and Miami alum Chris Fallica and I suspend our bromance for a few days, you may see people pointing out that neither the Irish nor the Canes will play 13 games this season: the former because they do not belong to a conference and the latter because their trip to Arkansas State on September 9 was canceled due to…a hurricane.

Should that matter to the Selection Committee? Of course not. A reminder that on September 16 No. 1 Georgia hosted Samford and that on November 18 No. 2 Alabama will host Mercer and No. 4 Clemson will host Citadel. These are all FCS squads. The games are glorified personal seat-license shakedowns to those schools’ fans.

Why don’t the Irish belong to a conference? Because no one is in charge atop the FBS. And, you know, Michael Wilbon, imagine an HBCU that was denied entrance to the college football firmament long ago and then forged its own path and wound up being more successful than the establishment itself. Would you want that HBCU to now to kowtow to the very establishment that once spurned it, in the process compromising itself and alienating itself from its own legacy? Methinks not.

And yes, I’ve just described Notre Dame football.

Meanwhile, let’s not forget that conference championship games were launched for one reason only: to make more money for conferences. SEC commish Roy Kramer started it all in 1992: Alabama beat Florida in Birmingham and then went on to knock out No. 1….Miami in the Sugar Bowl.

Antonio Langham’s pick-six started it all

Conferences behave out of self-interest. Conference championship games were not instituted to send a champion to the playoff but to create one giant day of revenue for the respective conferences. Let’s not pretend that these exhibitions are anything more than that. Notre Dame, like conferences, acts in its own best self-interest. That’s college football. Also, when is the last time you ever heard anyone say, “BYU has to join a conference?!?”

2. Boots On The Ground

5’11” Ahmad Bradshaw, here attempting one of his 33 passes on the season, reminds no one of Terry

We sorta feel like the unbelievably one-dimensional offense at West Point has failed to garner enough national attention this season. The Cadets, 7-2, have a shot at their best record since 1996, when they finished 10-2.

The kids who are 40 miles or so up the Hudson lead the nation in rushing (365 yards per game) but are dead last in passing (29.6 ypg). Not only does Army, which has opted to not even attempt a pass in three contests this season, throw for the least amount of yards per game and attempt the fewest passes per (6.2), but it also has the nation’s lowest completion percentage (28.6%), which as you know is a figure completely independent of the number of passes thrown.

Despite that “C” on his jersey, Bradshaw will be commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant. Is that a demotion?

Also, the Knights  have tossed two passes for TDs but five interceptions (two of those picks were thrown by running backs). Kell Walker, a 5’9″ sophomore from Decatur, leads the team with four catches. Quarterback Ahmad Bradshaw has completed 10 passes on the season, but he does have 1,132 yards rushing, which is 10th-best in the nation.

Army is truly infantry.

3. Vin-Sanity

On the other hand, how many Sundays does he have left?

4. That’s So Raven

On Sunday the Baltimore Ravens badly needed to recover an onside (onsides?) kick, trailing the Tennessee Tuxedos by 3 points late. Alas, Justin Tucker’s kick did not travel the requisite 10 yards so they never even got a chance for a scrum.

Baltimore lost, 23-20. What makes that funny is the Ravens are now 0-23 on onside kick attempts in the past 16 years. That’s not good.

5. A Good Guy With A Gun

While wondering why we don’t consider Kim Jong-Un a “mental health issue” and whether “What We Know About The Victims” will now be a weekly feature on cnn.com and   if it’s TOO SOON to talk about Sutherland Springs, then is it not too soon to talk about Las Vegas, we did come across this interview with Stephen Willeford, who likely saved a few lives on Sunday by reaching for his own gun and firing on the coward who snuffed out 26 lives.

Also, here’s Steve Kerr, the Warrior coach, making too much sense…

 

 Oh, and here’s the New York Times with a radical theory explaining the epidemic of mass shootings in the USA as compared to other “civilized” nations. The answer will blow you away: TOO MANY GUNS!

Finally, nice job, Air Force.

Reserves

Trevor Noah on Shalane Flanagan: “An American woman won a race in November.”

–A reminder that the World Series MVP, George Springer, went 0-fer-4 with four strikeouts (the golden sombrero) in Game 1. Never give up, kids. Never. Give. Up.

Lamar Jackson is still leading the nation in total offense and by more than 48 yards per game against his next closest competitor (Baker Mayfield). Narrative matters, alas.

–Also, “Matter Matters,” which would be my go-to T-shirt if I were a scientist/activist.

–Thanks to a pass interference call with no time left with Detroit leading Green Bay 30-10, the Packers got a final play from the 1-yard line. The Packers scored. The under was 42 to 43, depending on when you wagered. Either way, the Under fell. BAD BEAT!

Music 101

Ever Fallen In Love

Musical history may remember The Buzzcocks as the band whose name was used to pun the title of a British game show (“Never Mind the Buzzcocks”) as a reference to the lone Sex Pistols’ album (“Never Mind The Bollocks…”), who were incidentally their punk contemporaries. Got all that? Good, because I don’t. Anyway, this mid-Seventies punk outfit would have a huge influence on the soon-to-arrive Manchester music scene.

Remote Patrol

Rolling Stone: Stories From The Edge, Part 2

9 p.m. HBO

I really hope they have some Jancee Dunn anecdotes. She was a funny writer. I wonder if they’ll cover that entire U of Virginia faux rape case. I guess we’ll see.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

Yeah, She Was An American Girl

In 1977 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers released “American Girl” (interesting note: the band recorded it on the 4th of July, 1976, the bicentennial) and 1977 was also the last year an American girl won the New York City Marathon.

Until yesterday. Shane Flanagan, 36, a silver medalist in the 10,000 in Beijing, outpaced three-time defending champ Mary Keitany over the last five miles to win in 2:26 and change. The UNC alum has said she plans to retire before the race, but why stop now? Your appearance fees are about to go through the roof.

2. Sunday Mass Murder

I’m sorry, but bad puns on massacre headlines are not the problem and even if they are, it’s too soon to talk about it. In a rural southeastern Texas town, Sutherland Springs, with a population of less than 1,000, a 26 year-old Air Force vet who was dishonorably discharged mows down 26.

When he was a candidate, President Trump used the weekly carnage in Chicago’s south side to say, “What the hell is going on in Chicago?” In the past five weeks we’ve had the deadliest shooting and the deadliest church shooting in American history, bookended around the deadliest “terror” attack in New York City since 9/11. What the hell is going on in Trump’s America?

To quote Dionne Warwick, What the world needs now/Is love, sweet love, but a few pols acknowledging that maybe we don’t need to have boners about guns would help, too.

3. “What’s Cookin’, Good Lookin’?”*

*The judges respectfully disagree.

During his monologue on Saturday Night Live, Larry David opined, “There are no good opening lines in concentration camps.” Twitter erupted in both directions, of course. Some were horribly offended, while others saluted David for not copping to the P.C. cops.

The answer to this may have taken place in last night’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, when Richard Lewis’ girlfriend (don’t call her that too soon, honey) told Larry, “It’s hard when you get in front of a group…to say what’s uncomfortable,” and he matter-of-factly replied, “You know, I have no problem.”

4. KP Duty*

*The judges will not accept ‘Harshing My Carmelo’

Yes, it’s been 44 years since the New York Knicks won an NBA championship (we remember; we were there), but having exiled Carmelo and thrown their hopes behind 22 year-old, 7’3″ Latvian Kristaps Porzingis, the Knicks at long last look as if they’re headed in the right direction.

Last night Porzingis poured in a career-high 40 points as the Knicks took down the Pacers in MSG to move to 5-4. He’s averaging 30.2 points per game (he had 37 in a Friday night win against the Suns), which is second in the NBA.

Phil Jackson, a backup (7th man) on that ’73 championship team, made a few errors in his recently ended stint with the Knicks as GM. But he did draft KP and he did get rid of Carmelo. Two shrewd moves.

5. Saudi Prince & The Revolution

Over the weekend the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed bin Salman, arrested dozens of rivals without any formal charges or any legal process. The detained included Saudi Arabia’s wealthiest investor (which is saying something), Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, eleven cousins, and the most favored son of Saudi Arabia’s late King Abdullah.

Hearing the news, we imagine Donald Trump was impressed and asked John Kelly, “Can we do that?”

Reserves

Jane Says

We imagine War For The Planet of the Apes will gross 110 times what the documentary Jane will, but we highly recommend this film on the life and times of pioneering primate researcher Jane Goodall. She is an amazing and fearless woman, who went into the jungles  of Uganda in the early Sixties with only binoculars and her mom as a chaperone.

Goodall had no formal training, nor a college education, but she was hand-picked by Dr. Louis Leakey to study the habits of chimpanzees. At the time scientists believed animals did not have functional brains; Goodall soon produced evidence that chimps used tools and also was literally physically interacting with them. Not unrelated, because it helped her secure future funding, Goodall possessed movie starlet beauty. Today at the age of 83 the British-born Goodall is still crusading for animal rights. She’s a secular saint.

Black Eye For The Buckeyes

This Joshua Jackson interception was incredible. He’s come a long way since Dawson’s Creek.

Urban Meyer’s Ohio State surrenders 55 points in a loss at Iowa, the most points a Meyer team has ever given up. That’s what happens when Nick Bosa is ejected for targeting in the first half (he and Joey may be the first brother duo to both be ejected for targeting in FBS history). The Big Ten planted a flag in itself this weekend with Ohio State and Penn State both losing. Wisconsin’s gonna have to go 13-0 to reach the playoff.

 

Music 101

Miracles

This 1975 tune by Jefferson Starship, a band that changed names about as often as it changed lead singers, is a Yacht Rock Classic. It peaked at No. 3 and it’s layered harmonies  make it sound like something that Fleetwood Mac, whose Rumours owned the charts that year, wished it had recorded itself. Then JS-vocalist Marty Balin wrote and sang.

Remote Patrol

Rolling Stone: Stories From The Edge (Part 1 of 2)

9 p.m. HBO

Will they interview Ben Fong-Torres? Will it be “incendiary?” As the music/politics/culture mag celebrates its 50th anniversary and deals with founder Jann Wenner having just sold it, this should be good.