by John Walters

“And we all shine on…”

The brains behind much of the Beatles’ lyrics, John Lennon, would have turned 75 today. Other musicians born on this day: Jackson Browne (66), The Who bassist John Entwistle (would have been 71 today), P.J. Harvey (45), and John’s own son, Sean Lennon (39).

Starting Five

Price Line: 7 innings, 5 hits, 5 runs, one loss

1. Price Gouging

The Blue Jays become the third consecutive home playoff team this week to lose, falling 5-3 to the Texas Strangers. Not a typo. Did you know who Rougned Odor and Robinson Chirinos were? The 8 and 9 hitters in the Stranger lineup both went deep on Jay ace David Price, who is now 0-6 in the postseason all-time. Only Randy Johnson lost more postseason games in a row, 7.

Oh, and Blue Jay bashers Josh Donaldson and Jose Bautista both acquired boo boos and had to quit. They’re both likely to play tomorrow for the 12:30 p.m. game (these are truly the Not Ready for Prime Time Players).

Related: Medium Happy‘s Canadian correspondent, Moose, attended the game and we hope she will file a report. But, you know, Canadians…

2. Holy. Moly.

Does anything else need to be said?

UPDATED: Apparently there is a Taylor Swift 1989 Tour baseball curse. You can read about it here. Take note, Ranger fans. T-Swizzle plays in Arlington, Texas, at Jerry World, a week from Saturday.

3. Is “Steve Jobs” Compatible With Your Local Theater’s Screen?

Not sure if this is the film’s leading man or woman….

I dunno, but it was written by Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network) and directed by Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire), and received a 91% on Rotten Tomatoes and an 84 on, and it takes place entirely on earth (I think). I do worry about buffering, but that would be a good excuse to run to the bathroom, no?

That scene where Jobs introduces a gadget to an auditorium full of geeks? Movie magic!

Here’s The New York Times review.

4. President Bloomberg?

Sorry, Mr. Mayor. We’re invoking MH’s occasionally incorporated rule about men over the age of 50 here.

He is Jewish.
Was born within three months to the day of the attack on Pearl Harbor.

And has spent a good portion of his life as a New Yorker.

Would Bernie Sanders, 74, make a decent President of the United States? I don’t know, but I bet Michael Bloomberg would. Unlike Donald Trump, Bloomberg is a millennial New Yorker who made his billions on his own and has held office: Mayor of New York City.

Okay, Michael, only because we like you….

Bloomberg was mayor here from the first day of 2002 until the last day of 2013 and you will have a very difficult time finding a New Yorker who thinks he did anything but an outstanding job. On Tuesday billionaire investor Bill Ackman appeared on CNBC and said, “The window is now or never. Bloomberg is going to run (in 2016) and is going to win president.”

Bloomberg would make the race verrrrrry interesting (as if it isn’t already). And he’d also have a chance to become the country’s first Jewish president.*

*If you didn’t know, Sanders had close relatives who perished in the Holocaust.

5. Where In The World?

I figure you’ll get this one, but how about that electricity?

Yesterday: Olavinlinna, in Finland


Erin Goal Bragh

Long time coming for Ireland….

For the first time in ever, the Republic of Ireland defeats Germany, the defending World Cup champs, in a competitive match. It was 1-0 in Dublin thanks to substitute Shane Long’s second-half goal. The victory puts Ireland in excellent shape to advance to EURO 2016. Remember, Ireland has a striker named John Walters, who is probably the soccer player most likely to spill.

Cutty Sark

It wasn’t quite Pac-12 After Dark, as the game kicked off in the twilight with a sparse crowd, but Washington, a double-digit underdog, upset USC 17-12. It was a combination of the Huskies’ enthusiastic defense and a USC offense that never figured out that it would be better off just running the damn ball. Trojan senior Tre Madden averaged 7.1 yards per carry, and sublime freshman Ronald Jones II averaged 8.1 yards per rush, but the two combined for just 25 carries.

As soon as the final gun sounded, Hot Takes abounded about how Cutty Sark should be fired. And, yes, he is doing a poor job with tremendous talent. For me the final nail in Sark’s coffin was when the camera caught him exhorting the crowd to cheer during a key U-Dub drive in the fourth quarter. That’s a task best left for the gals in the white sweaters, no? (Also, when he chose to pass on second- and third downs and then went for a 45-yard field goal on fourth down, but hey).

Music 101

When I Think Of You

Nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: Janet Jackson, N.W.A, Nine Inch Nails, Chicago, the Smiths, Cheap Trick, Chic, Deep Purple, Chaka Khan, Yes, The J.B.’s, Los Lobos, Steve Miller, The Spinners and The Cars. I’ve highlighted the five I’d vote for, but here’s a former No. 1 from Michael’s little sis that was released in 1986.


Remote Patrol

Rangers-Blue Jays, Game 2

MLB 12:45 p.m.

Astros-Royals, Game 2

FS1 3:45 p.m.

Cubs-Cardinals, Game 1

TBS 6:45 p.m.

Mets-Dodgers, Game 1

TBS 9:45 p.m.

My guess is that this will be the last time we have four games on the same day this season. The Blue Jays were the most offensively explosive team in baseball this season (+221; next best was Cardinals, +122) and will play a matinee for the second consecutive day, and this time on MLBN. Don’t take it personally, Canada (take it personally, Canada). The Mets make their first playoff appearance in nine years as Jacob de Grom faces Clayton Kershaw, who has been as bad in the postseason as he has been unhittable in the regular season. Vin Scully is not even day to day (“Aren’t we all?”), which is a bummer. But I’ll hold out hope for him to return for Game 7 of the World Series (“Win for Vin!”). Hell, if Kirk Gibson could hit a home run on one leg….



by John Walters

Happy Birthday, Grayson Allen! You scored 16 in the national championship game last April and turn 20 today.

Starting Five

Sean Rodriguez is an Electrolyteweight

1. Cooler Heads Prevailed

The Cubs defeated the Pirates, 4-0, because no one scores a run off Jake Arrieta any more, but the bigger stories were Pittsburgh’s Sean Rodriguez going full Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots on a Gatorade cooler (free pub!) and Pirate kid who was playing his own game of baseball in the seats behind home plate. Like his team, as you can see here, he found himself in the same position last October.

So, two nights, and two probable Cy Young winners, the hirsute Dallas Keuchel and Jake Arrieta, hurl shutouts on the road to propel their teams to the divisional series. I’m thinking baseball’s new stat needs to be BAR: Beards Above Replacement.

Keuchel and Harden: Not joining the Dollar Shave Club any time soon….


2. Anchors Away!

Can’t say I’m down with the Ronda Rousey In-Your-Face Tour, but it was fun watching how incredibly uncomfortable Tim Kurkjian appeared to be as he played the guinea pig for Lindsay Czarniak in an arm bar demonstration on the 6 p.m. SportsCenter. Kurkjian: “No woman has ever moved her butt closer to me, I can promise you that.”

Was Kiko Alonso not available?

Bell laments that there are not more Ron Burgundy fans out there. Champ Kind appreciated this line, I’m sure.

Like you, I was also glued to Mike Bell’s Twitter feed during this segment to see if he’d cross the Jessica Mendoza line and opine on Rousey’s sitting in the co-anchor chair.

3. Fournette Worth

Fournette is averaging 216 yards per game, or 56 yards more PER GAME than the nation’s 2nd-leading rusher

LSU tailback Leonard Fournette had a very good, but not outstanding freshman season last autumn. He jacked that Texas A&M safety, we all remember that, but he rushed for 1,034 yards in 13 games. Very good for a frosh, not OMG.

This season, however, Fournette already has rushed for 864 yards in just four games. He’s a superman among 220 lb. to 320 lb men. He is a beast. And so, as much as we laud him — he’s the clear frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy thus far — we always are in need of a Daily Harrumph!, and his excellence brings up the following: Why should Leonard Fournette have to stick around college another year before making money in the NFL?

Kirk Herbstreit, whom I respect greatly, said it was “a bunch of crap” to discuss changing the rule — and NFL rule, by the way, not an NCAA rule — that says players cannot enter the NFL draft until three years after high school. Christine Brennan wrote a column that to me came across as patronizing: a national columnist who regularly covers tennis has no qualms with teens traveling all over the world in a highly dysfunctional environment if you’re not Serena or Rafael, but she worries that young football players need more guidance. Does anything about that argument seem a little racially tinged to you? It does to me.

Granted: 1) Most college athletes would be better served by earning a degree and staying all four years. Most. 2) College sports are a superior product if players must remain at least three years. 3) Allowing players to leave earlier would only invite more agents, more scandal, etc.

I grant you all of that. But this is a liberty issue. Why is there a rule in place that prevents a young man from holding a job when he is more than capable of doing that job? And why doesn’t the hypocrisy of allowing basketball players to leave after one year but not football players grate on people more? I get that the sports make different demands on your body, but there are plenty of players in the NBA who were selected after one year and then stockpiled on their teams’ benches (Archie Goodwin, for example). If a pro franchise is willing to draft a player even though they know they cannot use him yet, why not let the two parties do business?

Marcus Lattimore was a junior at South Carolina when he dislocated his knee and tore every major ligament in it on this play. He never played a down in the NFL.

The bigger issue, bigger than the state of college football and bigger than “protecting” kids, is a person’s right to work. Now, throw in the fact that running backs have the shortest shelf life of any NFL players (hello, Marcus Lattimore), and that next season Fournette will basically be giving LSU a year where he could be earning at least $5 million in the NFL –probably more money than his parents have earned in their lifetimes — and that if you want to go all actuary on this, his NFL career average is 3.11 years, well, I’m not saying that he SHOULD go to the NFL, but I am saying that he SHOULD have the option.

4. Love Triangle Offense

Barnes, his estranged wife, Gloria Govan, and Derek Fisher

I know, I know. I’m supposed to be disturbed by Matt Barnes’ behavior here. But then someone tweets that “Derek Fisher appears to be having trouble with more than one triangle” and then I imagine Barnes driving 95 miles in the midst of the night, his sound system turned to 11, as he conjures the various ways that he is going to kick Fisher’s tail for being at the home he paid for with his estranged wife. It’s right out of a Tarantino film.

Here’s the New York Post piece.

And here’s a think piece on the affair from Deadspin

5. Where In The World?

Hint: This is not in Westeros

Yesterday: Rideau Canal, Ontario

Music 101


I’m always going to vote for Diamond David Lee Roth over Sammy Hagar, though if I had to pick a roommate, it would be the Cabo Wabo dude. Either this or “When It’s Love” is my favorite Van Hagar tune. The synth comes out early, and then Eddie VH does some blazing guitar solos later. Remember, this tune came out in 1986, in peak Top Gun time, hence the video. It reached No. 22 on the Billboard chart.

Remote Patrol

Washington at Southern California

ESPN 9 p.m.

Adoree Jackson is LA’s best two-way player since Myles Jack. What ever happened to him?

Huskies coach Chris Petersen makes, I believe, his first visit to the L.A. Coliseum as a head coach, as his USC counterpart, Cutty Sark, faces his former team. 9 p.m. Eastern is happy hour in L.A.


by John Walters

Happy 40th birthday to Tim Minchin, composer/musician/comedian/philosopher from Perth. If you haven’t already had the pleasure, here’s a commencement address he gave and here are some of his thoughts on mutation and spiritual worship.

Starting Five

1. Astro Physics

Key Moments: Two solo bangs, to opposite fields, by Colby Rasmus and Carlos Gomez, off Masahiro (Hito) Tanaka ( <–obscure Japanese emperor reference). Jose Altuve leaning out to punch a low and outside pitch to left for a two-out, RBI single. Pitcher Dallas Keuchel saying, “No, I got this,” after Carlos Beltran hit a line drive to give the Ynnkees two on, two out in the sixth with A-Rod coming up to bat. Alex promptly swung at the first pitch and fisted a a can of corn to center for the third out.

Astros 3, Yankees 0. Three hits for the Yanks and they never advanced a runner to third.

This photo sort of says it all.

A-Rod is the last vestige of those early 2000’s Yankee teams that sparred with the Red Sox in October, and he went 0 fer 4 (I may be wrong, but I think ESPN flashed a graphic showing that he has the worst batting average in postseason history, minimum 40 at-bats. Around .150). You got the sense that the Astros, with young talent like George Springer and Carlos Correa, are an exciting club that will make even more noise in the coming years. As for the Yanks, keep Greg Bird and Luis Severino and maybe one or two other guys, and start over. Tear down the stadium, apologize to everyone, and start again?

Yankee Stadium did report that it was 101% full, though (50,113), so no one will heed this suggestion, I realize.

2. HBO After Dark

Cerveny, 38, was married with 3 children

A 38 year-old female dermatologist from Manhasset, Long Island, named Kiersten Cerveny befriends a 51 year-old HBO producer, Marc Johnson, on Facebook. They hang out at a Lower East Side bar last Saturday night, then head back to an apartment in Chelsea at 4:30 a.m. Four hours later two men are captured on video dragging her body into the hallway. She dies of an overdose, likely from cocaine.

An aside: See what happens when you don’t have Eric Stoltz’s phone number and the blonde OD’s? Or at least his address, so you can rush her over there and pump her full of adrenalin?

So that was kind of a Saturday night out in the city that ended poorly.

3. Oh, Boise! ( <– Lazy on my part)*

Folks in the Snake River area see Mark Rypien’s nephew as the second coming of, gasp, Kellen Moore

The judges will also accept “Let ‘Er Rypien”

What has changed at Boise State since the Broncos allowed two touchdowns in the final :40 at BYU, the first on a fourth-and-7 Hail Mary pass, to lose 35-24. Well, coach Bryan Harsin replaced starting quarterback Ryan Finley with true freshman Brett Rypien.

The results? Boise State won 52-0 versus Idaho State, 56-14 at Virginia, and 55-0 versus Hawaii. Rypien has completed 74 % of his passes with 6 TDs and 0 INTs. As a high school senior, Rypien tossed 50 touchdown passes (just last year), a state record. He also holds state records for career passing yards (13,044) and passing yards in a game (613), and is tied for the state record for passing TDs in a game (8). Those records were previously held by Kellen Moore, whom you may recall went 50-3 as Boise State’s QB.

The Broncos are 4-1 and ranked No. 25 and very unlikely to lose again this season. By my unofficial count, this would make at least the third time where a single play kept them from being undefeated. On the other hand, BYU is probably the best team they’ll face this season and they failed to win…and BYU is not even currently in the Top 25. So….

4. Mary Cain’s Oregon Trail Leads Back to Bronxville

Two years ago Mary Cain of Bronxville, N.Y., was America’s greatest female middle-distance prodigy since Mary Decker. She was a bright, even nerdy kid with a happy smile who set a killer pace.

Then she made, what I believed at time and still do today, was a terrible mistake. Cain, whose father is a successful physician, turned pro and moved to Portland to train under Alberto Salazar. It’s tough enough moving 2,500 miles from home, but then to isolate oneself at the University of Portland, not running as part of a team of athletes her own age but instead as part of Team Nike/Salazar, did not seem to suit her.

Back in 2012 Mary Cain was ahead of the field in every which way….

She came home after finals in May and announced she would be training in New York this summer. Her times had not been particularly good this past year. Now she has announced that she will not be returning to Oregon. Last Sunday she won a 5K in Van Cortland Park in the Bronx (I happened to be cycling past at the time, and if I’d had any idea Mary was in the race, I might have stopped to watch).

Excellent student. World-class runner. I don’t know who got into Mary’s head, but I always felt she would have thrived at an Ivy League school, or Stanford, or at running nauts of jugger Colorado or Oregon. Among fellow elite college athletes. As part of a team. Too late for all that now.

Live your life, I know (unless it happens to be partying with a 51 year-old HBO producer). But this one seemed like an easy call from the start, and I feel badly that such a wonderful opportunity was squandered. She never needed the money (Have you been to Bronxville?). Cain will tune up for the Olympic Trials, and I hope that she shines in Rio. But someone, likely not her, placed entirely too much emphasis on this one moment in her life.

5. Where In The World?

Yesterday: The Alhambra, Spain 

Music 101

Check It Out

This is all that we’ve learned about living….

Not only does John Mellencamp turn 64 today, but it turns out he’s been getting cozy with Christie Brinkley of late (so now he’s John Super Cougar Mellencamp?). Hey, at least he’s dating a gal from the same decade. This has always been my favorite song of his.

Remote Patrol

NL Wild Card: Cubs at Pirates

TBS 8 p.m.

Baseball’s Next Superstar: Likely NL Rookie of the Year Kris Bryant already has MLB’s top-selling jersey, which says a lot about how much Cub fans are thirsting for a championship.

The Cubs and Pirates have the third- and second-best records in all of baseball, and yet one of them will be done after (most likely) nine innings this evening. Seems kind of cruel Jake Arrieta has been unhittable for two months, so Cub fans actually have reason to be hopeful.







by John Walters

Note: I ran into someone last night who implored me to monetize this site, and then I patiently explained that Susie B. has already left me all of her Yahoo! stock in her will, so what’s the worry?

Happy Birthday to MH’s comic genius (or comic sans, I can’t remember), Katie M., whose birthday is today or yesterday or two days ago,, I’m not exactly sure when…


…to our old friend Rebecca Lobo (this guy only looks like her husband)….


…and of course to Britt Ekland, who appeared in “The Wicker Man” and was married to Peter Sellers

Starting Five

K.J. Wright summoned his inner Four Squares-playing child to bat this football over the end line

1. Bat Man

With Detroit’s Calvin Johnson going in for the go-ahead touchdown with under 2 minutes to play, Kam Chancellor punches the ball (POW!) out of his grasp, and then Seahawk teammate K.J. Wright bats it (THWACK!) out of bounds. And, like you, I found myself wondering, “WHAT ARE THE DETROIT LIONS DOING ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL?!?”

Was it an illegal play by Wright? Yes. Did it cost the Lions the football game? Probably, although they still needed to score and Russell Wilson, who’s no Colin Kaepernick, would have had about 90 seconds to lead a game-winning drive. And yet I can’t help thinking, Just don’t fumble the football, Megatron. Besides, the two most likely outcomes here were that the Seahawks recover or that the football skips out of bounds.

Yes, the ref botched the call. But seeing as how more people watching were more upset if they had Johnson on their fantasy team than if they are true Lions fans, I’m not all that bothered by it. Besides, Seahawk supporter Amelia Boone probably woke up at 4:03 a.m. today with a smile on her face, so that’s nice.

2. Lost at Sea (As Opposed to “Lost at Seahawks;” See Item 1)

The El Faro was 790 feet long, which is the length of two and 2/3 football fields or more than eight basketball courts, depending upon which sport you prefer

Lost in the news of Hurricane Joaquin was the fact that the freighter El Faro (“The Lighthouse”) was lost at sea in the Atlantic Ocean. The container ship carried 33 crew members, 28 of whom were American.

Was this a Sebastian Junger The Perfect Storm tale or a Susan Casey The Wave tale? Perhaps neither, as the freighter appeared to lose power in the eye of the storm en route from Jacksonville, Fla., to Puerto Rico, causing it to list or flounder as the storm approached. That’s sort of a hopeless position in which to be.

3. Harvard Loses…Again

That’s Matt Damon taking my high school football teammate, Scott Winters, to school on American history. Scott is the brother of Dean Winters, whom you know better as Mayhem on the All-State ads

So I checked a few times to confirm this wasn’t a hoax, but apparently a prison debate team recently defeated a Harvard debate team (though to be fair, it should be noted that the prison debate team’s closing argument was, “You wanna throw down, Ese?”).

4. “Attention, This Is Your Captain Shrieking…”

Well, he probably did not shriek, but an American Airlines captain did die in the midst of a flight from Phoenix to Boston. Michael Johnston, 57, died of what was most likely a heart attack. The co-pilot landed the plane in Syracuse. And that is why commercial flights have more than one pilot.

5. Where In The World?

Monday: Marieta, Mexico

Music 101

Sour Girl

Maybe STP would have had a longer shelf life if they had been able to step out of the shadow of contemporaries Nirvana and Pearl Jam, or if lead singer Scott Weiland were not the poster boy of the self-destructing lead singer (I know: you’re thinking, What about Kurt???). Anyway, Weiland is now a Notre Dame football fan, so obviously he’s found yet another way to court misery.

Remote Patrol

AL Wildcard: Lastros at Yankees

ESPN 8 p.m.

The Astros put 20-game winner Dallas Keuchel on the hill. Keuchel has not yielded a run to the Yanks in 16 innings this season. Meanwhile, New York’s highest-paid player, C.C. (Canadian Club? I’m already sorry) Sabathia, who earned $23 million this season with a 4.73 ERA, announced that he was headed to alcohol rehab yesterday. The best position player on the field may be Lastros rookie shortstop Carlos Correa. Two franchises headed in opposite directions.


by John Walters

“Never let go, Rose!” Kate Winslet turns 40 today.

Starting Five

What a fantastic shot here by Jonathan Bachman of the AP as Spiller crosses into pay dirt

1. “When The Saints Go Marching In…”

Overtime goes under its allotted time as Drew Brees connects with C.J. Spiller (related: it was a good weekend for Clemson football) on a swing pass that goes for 80 yards and a touchdown on the first play of the fifth quarter. Officially, it took :13 as the Saints beat the Cowboys 26-20.

The victory kept the Saints from becoming the league’s only 0-4 team. Meanwhile, two of the NFL’s eight divisions (AFC South and Dallas’s NFC East) have cumulative sub-.500 records.

2. 2 Little, Too Late

On the bright side, no one was flagged for offensive pass interference.

Once again, the Fighting Irish whiffed on a road opportunity against a ranked opponent in prime time (Hello Ann Arbor, East Lansing, Tallahassee and now Death Valley during the Kelly era; yes, we see you, Norman and Los Angeles).

Four crucial dropped pass. A killer fumble, caused by the kicker, at the opening of the second half. Notre Dame’s theme song was penned by Lit (“My Own Worst Enemy”) for three quarters during an historic deluge in Clemson and they trailed 21-3. That the Irish came back and came within 3 yards of forcing overtime is a testament to both their talent and grit (related; DeShone Kizer is already a pretty good quarterback and he’s got a chance to be great).

That they failed to play smart, tough football through three quarters (or at least that their offense did; the defense was sound after the first seven minutes) is partly on them, partly on their coach.

As to the final play (“Kizer rolls…”), it’s not WHY the Irish lost, but here’s why I don’t like it: It’s raining squirrels and monkeys, so use the conditions to your advantage. Anything that is misdirection forces a defense that is already at peak intensity (and liable to over pursue) to change direction. And that works to your advantage.

A great video showing the 2-point conversion here, and how Carlos Watkins of the Tigers simply blew it up.

Also: “Senior advisor,” Coach Kelly? It’s arithmetic.

An outstanding slate of Saturday games:

Heroes: Arizona State upsetting UCLA in the Rose Bowl with one of those season-defining plays around which a program may rally. I’ve never seen a 20-yard bulldozing for a touchdown in football at any level. “You get the sense that all the frustration from a disappointing first four weeks of the season was taken out on that one run.” You nailed it, Mr. Announcer.

Goats: Wisconsin. First and goal and victory against Iowa on your one or two-yard line and  you not only fail to run a simple counter handoff, but lose the football and the game.

Redeemed: Alabama, who slapped down Georgia 38-10 in a momentum-defining game for both programs.

Spared: Ohio State (and Michigan State), who yet again failed to demonstrate why they are ranked in the Top 3 in the nation with seven- (and three-) point victories over middle-of-the-pack at best B1G foes.

Scary: Look out for Stanford, who mopped up at home versus Arizona, 55-17, two weeks after taking down USC. Right now the Cardinal are the class of the Pac-12 and their opening day loss against a Northwestern team that currently has the nation’s No. 1 scoring defense doesn’t look so bad.

Underrated: Michigan at 21 in the Coaches poll and 18 in the AP poll.

Overrated: Florida State at No. 8 in the Coaches poll. The AP has them at No. 12, which is about right.

3. First Lady of 42 Helps Open SNL Season 41

Hillary (Kate McKinnon) fist bumps Hillary (Hillary Clinton)

The sketch your co-workers will be discussing around the Keurig machine involved Kate McKinnon as presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton having a chat with a bartender played by the actual Hillary Clinton. Smart idea.

The best moment comes when McKinnon, who is gay, chides herself (as Hillary) for taking so long to acknowledge gay marriage rights while the real Hillary tries to assuage her. Also: Darrell Hammond’s cameo is awesome.

4. Jacko is Backo

Like Steve Jobs, Dorsey is also a college dropout (NYU)

One of Twitter’s co-founders, Jack Dorsey, returns to become the company’s CEO (Dorsey had been interim-CEO’ing since July, but unlike Pat Murphy and the San Diego Padres, the two decided to stop living together “in sin” and make it official). This on the anniversary of the death of Steve Jobs, the original prodigal son of tech monolith founders.

Does this mean the stock will eventually, some day, rise above $40 per share again (asking for a friend; no, seriously)?

5. Where In The World?

Friday: Bibliotheque National de France

Music 101

The Way You Look Tonight

We’re going old school today. The Billboard chart made its debut in 1936, and no song spent more weeks (17) at No. 1 that year than this one, crooned by Fred Astaire (singing wasn’t even his top talent). This appeared in the film Swing Time and won the Oscar that year for Best Original Song.


Remote Patrol

“The Man With the 80-Pound Groin”

TLC 9 p.m.

“The Man With No Penis”

TLC 10 p.m.

“You may want to see a doctor if…”

Honestly, I’m afraid to even search for what is on at 11 p.m.


by John Walters

Exciting news. The publishing side of MH has come in from their $400 lunches at Del Frisco’s just  long enough to pursue an exciting deal with Fuego Box, the primary sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. Fuego Box, they WANT to be your home-delivery hot sauce provider. We’ll have more in the coming weeks, but we can see this becoming at least a four-figure deal, that is if you include the two figures to the right of the decimal point.

Happy Birthday, Pippa! We miss you mocking your daughter on Letterman. (she turns 45)

Starting Five

I want them to name a hurricane “Tiger.” That way the band Survivor can appear on forecasts and warn us about “the eye of the Tigerrrrrr!”

1. Hurricane Rankings

1. Joaquin

Not Ranked: Miami

So you’ve got this dude named Joaquin entering the country without authorization and wreaking havoc on the economy? This is why we need to build a wall.

“Moore, Moore, Moore/How do you like it? How do you like it?”

Meanwhile, Golden Years at The U seem to be approaching an end, as Miami falls to Cincinnati and its backup quarterback, Hayden Moore, (the Bearcats are renowned for this, though: Tony Pike was lost to Zac Collaros, who may have been an upgrade) by a score of 34 to 23 (which is not a Chicago song; why would it be?). Nice unis, though, Miami. I like the “MIAMI” up the pant leg, but I’d go green or orange with it. Just some style advice.

2. “Somehow, This Has Become Routine”

— Disaffected single male, white, as the shooter? Check.

–Campus location? Check.

–Numerous dead? Check.

–“Thoughts and prayers?” Check.

Dig: I understand, as do most people, that guns themselves are not THE REASON so many of these shootings occur. And I think a serious discussion needs to take place as to the multiple factors that are playing into this epidemic. But the facile manner in which guns may be obtained by nut jobs IS part of the problem that is relatively easy to solve, no?

The man who sang “All You Need Is Love” was senselessly murdered by a gun 35 years ago. It’s not a new problem. But American culture’s toxic nature plus the easy access to guns means that these mass shootings will continue onward.

Last thing: Every news organization, particularly cable TV, that gives wall-to-wall coverage of these events as soon as they happen may not want to admit it, but they are helping to promote this scourge. A total loser wants to go out with, pardon the pun, a big bang? Might as well be famous on CNN. You won’t be around to hear it, but you do know that Wolf Blitzer will be saying your name. Yeah, it’s sick, but isn’t it part of their calculus?

Instead, I’d like more stories such as this one about Chris Mintz (oh, and he’s going to land a seven-figure book deal and a movie).

3. “Bear! Bear! Please Stop!”

If your answer is, “Things Mary Harmon Would Say” sorry, you’re wrong.

What I love about this video –and you may not agree — is how much I love the bear and how grating I find this woman’s voice. Her overall whiny nature. Also, that she goes all in with “gosh darn it!” Oh, and that she never stops filming.

Life lesson: Don’t pepper spray another creature in the face and then be upset when it exacts a little revenge.

Life Lesson #2: Learn your bear’s name. He probably didn’t appreciate being called “Bear” over and over again.

I do hope someone gives this woman a copy of the director’s cut of “Grizzly Man” as a Christmas present….

Finally: Remind me to never marry this woman. Remind everyone.

“It’s the end of September! Why are you here? You’re supposed to be asleep!”
Wondering if these were also the last words of Timothy Treadwell. I am guessing not.

This needs to become a NatGeo or Discovery reality show or at least a sitcom in which each week Bear ruins an item that our videographer deems inedible.

4. Rees’s Pieces

Remember how Austin Powers would boast that his middle name was “Danger?” Well, Taylor Rees’s middle name actually is “Freesolo.” Seriously. Her parents were climbers.

Rees is one of those annoying humans who is intelligent (Masters from Yale) and beautiful and doing fascinating things with her life like research projects in Greenland and Myanmar and making important documentary films with her fiancé about how to save the planet and I mean don’t you just hate her? Can’t she just watch “Real Housewives of Anchorage” or some other Alaska-based reality show (“Bear! Bear! Please Stop!”?) and be satisfied?

No, she has to be curious and passionate and oooooh! she just drives me crazy!!!!!

5. Where In The World?

Hey, JW, I’m beginning to suspect that this daily feature is just a means for you to have to write one less item each day and give yourself a break. 

My feelings are hurt. Honestly, people….

Yesterday’s answer: The desert of Oman, the only nation named after a jive saying.

Music 101

American Pie

Is this the MOST American pop song ever written? The greatest American pop song ever written? If you want to make that argument, I won’t disagree. Don McLean, who turns 70 today, saw his hit go to No. 1 for four weeks in 1972.

Remote Patrol

Notre Dame at Clemson

ABC 8 p.m.

Jaylon Smith: Murder Train

As Notre Dame alum and Clemson associate A.D. Tim Bourret notes, 1,977 weeks have passed since the Irish visited Death Valley in 1977. Joe Montana, who was on the same field that day as Dwight Clark, led the Irish back from a 17-7 deficit in the fourth quarter to win 21-17. The Irish went on to win the national championship.


by John Walters

We’re back. If you happen to be famous and your birthday falls between September 28-30, we apologize. We’ll get to you next year…

Happy 91st birthday to our 39th president!

Starting Five

Is Josh Donaldson (41 HR, 123 RBI) your AL MVP?

1. Fowl Ball!*

The St. Louis Cardinals win their 100th game and the Toronto Blue Jays clinch their first American League East title since 1993. The Blue Jays, who were 50-51 when they awoke on July 29, are 42-15 since and have three players (Donaldson, Jose Bautista and Edwin Incarnation) who have hit at least 37 home runs this season.

The Blue Jays are the first non-steroids era (or isn’t it?) team to have at least three players hit that many home runs in a season since the 1973 Atlanta Braves, who had Hank Aaron on the roster, along with Davey Johnson and Darrell Evans

* The MH editors understand that while fowl are birds, and Blue Jays and Cardinals are birds, that cardinals and blue jays are not fowl. Send your angry letters to Yankee wonderkind Greg Bird.

2. Bill Is Back

Remember Bill Simmons? The last we actually HEARD him, he was speaking with Diana Taurasi and Daryl Morey. Today marks his return to the podcast waves (maybe I should start listening to podcasts? Naw.). I bet it warms the Bostonian’s heart to know that in 2015 both he and Tom Brady were unfairly targeted for censure and/or suspension.

So, topics? DeflateGate, Letterman’s exodus, Jon Stewart’s exodus, Trump, Colin Cowherd, Colbert, the Mess That is The Colts, the Giants giving away a game or two, how the Sawx will sweep the Yankees this week, Taylor Swift and the Emmys.

3. Hall, of Famed Parents

Hall aspires to be first team All-Big Ten and then to work the main stage at Second City

Would you believe that Julia-Louis Dreyfus’s and Brad Hall’s oldest child, Charlie Hall, is a 6’5″ walk-on basketball player at his parents’ alma mater, Northwestern? GET OUT!

p.s. He’s a lefty (for the scouting reports)

4. Super Syria-s

In the summer of 2011 I found myself on a flight from NYC to Atlanta. My seat mate was a very nice and friendly Syrian emigrant, who charismatically and patiently explained to me that Syria was a ticking time bomb. Remember, this was four years ago.

I didn’t really understand what he was saying — I was probably trying to return to catching up on back issues of US Weekly — but I did remember that he said it, did remember that he reminded me that the most successful American mind of the past quarter-century, Steve Job, was of Syrian descent, and I did remember his sense of foreboding.

Well, now Syria is probably the most dangerous place on earth (outside of certain parts of Chicago). ISIS, Assad, Al Qaeda and now Putin has decided to launch Russian airstrikes there, but not at ISIS targets. The road to Damascus is a burgeoning mire of quag.

You think Israel is a bit nervous? And if Israel is nervous, America is nervous.

5. Where In The World?

Friday’s answer: Angel Falls, Venezuela

Music 101

Submarine Song

On the archipelago of forgotten discs, “Space I’m In” by the Candyskins occupies its own prominent island. I listened the grooves off this 1990 CD and thought this band, an MTV 120 Minutes fave, was headed to bigger things. Not so fast, my fiend. Strangely enough, the Candyskins were Oxford contemporaries of another Brit band who made it somewhat bigger: Radiohead.

Remote Patrol

Red Sox at Yankees

ESPN2 7 p.m.

Last decade, this decade, old stadium, new stadium, David Ortiz continues to haunt the Yankees….

The Sawx are not headed to the playoffs, but they may just take four straight from the Bronx Bombers inside the glorified ATM/mausoleum that is the new Yankee Stadium (Can we please tear down this monument to early 2000’s Wall Street avarice already?). Chances are the Pinstripes will be back here next Tuesday for a wildcard showdown with a team whose name begins with “A,” but there remains an outside chance that the Yanks are playing their last home game of the season tonight. Either way, no franchise has done a better job of cleaving itself of the loyalty of its fan base than the Yankees have since 2009. The House that the Core Four built is a testament to losing sight of what got you there.

p.s. For you NFL fans, the Ravens visit the Steelers at 9 p.m on CBS while ABC simultaneously airs “How To Get Away With Murder.” I doubt they planned this, but I like it. 


by John Walters

Hoping that Heather Locklear is vixen to have a very happy 54th birthday!

Starting Five

1. Eggs Communication

Davey: Did you hear the Pope arrived in New York City?

Goliath: Did I? We had brunch together this morning. He ordered the Eggs Predecessor.

Davey: When ordering eggs Benedict, I hear there’s no place like Rome for the hollandaise.

Goliath: True, but if Europe for a good breakfast, I think Francis more popular than Italy.

Aaaaaaand, scene. Thanks to @el_wuffel and @IrishElvis for the assists.

2. Big (Bad?) John

Krahn stands 7-feet tall and weighs 440 pounds

This is John Krahn. He’s a senior at King High School in Riverside,, Calif., and plays offensive line. He only plays one position, which almost seems unfair. I’m told he needs to lose weight to draw college interest. I think if I were a college coach, I’d be interested.

3. Bye Bye Boehner

Boehner: Orange is the new I Quit

Speaker of the House,

Orange is his face,

Says he met the pope,

And now he’ll leave this place

John Boehner chooses this incredibly slow news day to announce that he is resigning from the United States Senate. Kudos to former SI On Campus colleague Matt Waxman for noting that two J.B.-initial Orangemen announced their resignations in 2015: Boehner and Syracuse’s Jim Boeheim.

4. Documentary Wow

Largely because I didn’t have a working television for the past 5 months, I missed all of Documentary Now!, the parody doc series that ran for six episodes, was produced by Seth Meyers, and starred his buddies Fred Armisen and Bill Hader. But if there was one installment I wanted to see, it was “Gentle and Soft: The Story of the Blue Jean Committee,” which was a faux version of The History of the Eagles, which I did just re-watch again recently.

Anyway, this reviewer praises not just the comedy of that episode, but also the humanity and the acting. I hope to see it some day soon. “Catalina breeze…”

5. Where In The World?

Yesterday’s Answer: Q1, the tallest building in Australia (78 stories, slightly more than 1,000 feet tall), in Surfer’s Paradise.

Music 101

Lido Shuffle

The one and only Boz Scaggs, with a perfect summer song that hit No. 11 in 1977. The co-writer of this tune, David Paich, went on to found Toto.



by John Walters

Happy Birthday to Phil Hartman, who would’ve turned 67 today. “I got guys the size of you in my stool.”

Starting Five

1. Mecca-lomania*

The judges will also accept “Black Mass,” “Hajj Quest” and “Allah These Pilgrims Are Being Crushed”

Currently the number of dead is 717, all of them pilgrims making the annual Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca. As usual, Al-Jazeera has the most detailed story on the tragedy, detailing how pilgrims flock to Mina, on the outskirts of Mecca, to carry out a symbolic “stoning of the devil” by tossing rocks at three stone walls.

The stampede did not take place during the stoning, but rather before as one pilgrim camp  walked through another pilgrim camp. Watch the video at the bottom of the story.

2. Integrity is His Trump Card*

*Upon Further Review, the judges will accept “Atta Boye” as well as “Bridge (Over Troubled Walters)”

This is Boye Brogeland, 42, the man who is single-handedly (with 13 cards in it, I’d assume) trying to save contract bridge at its highest levels. Thanks to the Norwegians’ efforts, the top two ranked bridge players in the world, as well as another team that happens to be the European champions, have been exposed as cheaters.

Here’s my story in Newsweek about the entire affair, which features skulduggery, threats of physical violence and lawsuits, big money, and crooked people.

An aside that I was tempted to tweet, but I’ll save it for you readers. So this morning one of my sources emails me to tell me that a highly decorated writer had sent an email to her and others extolling the piece. Here is the email:

I know almost nothing about bridge except what Anderson has explained to me, but I found this article easy to understand—well-organized and very absorbing. I started reading it in the car as I pulled into a grocery store lot and got so involved in it that I sat there until I finished it. It is intrinsically a great story, involving large amounts of money as a motive for the cheaters, a host of brainy people trying to get away with it, law suits, threats of violence, even a few heroes, especially the Snowden-type character from Norway who was determined  to out the cheats. And Jeff calling a guy a prick. And a great ending: sue me. iv
Now, the beauty of this is that the email was written by one William Nack. A man who, like me, was employed by Sports Illustrated. In fact, I thought that we knew each other fairly well. I always considered Bill Nack to be the most gifted writer at SI while I was there, so it’s heartwarming to read this note, and yet what does it say about print that either Nack didn’t notice the byline or recognize the name? Funny.
By the way, Bill and I were two of the four writers who were laid off (or, as Seth Davis would say, “Fired”) by SI in 2001. Anyway, thanks, Bill. Without even realizing it, you made my day. I believe I’ve finally broken my maiden.

3. The Thompson Twins

Okay, they’re not twins. They’re sisters. Anne and Mary Thompson are both alumnae of Notre Dame and both are in the employ of NBC Universal (if that’s still a thing). You regularly see Anne’s reports on NBC Nightly News and Mary, the younger of the two, reports from the NYSE and other locales for CNBC.

This week, and I’m not sure if it is for the first time, the sisters have the same beat: covering the papal visit. They’re both filing reports on the pilgrimage of the Ultimate Pilgrim. Their parents must be proud, I’d think. A shout-out to Mary, who like your humble author (HA!) rowed for Notre Dame Crew.

4. My Two Dads Remake?

When I first saw this GIF of Jeremy Lin and Stephen Curry teaching Stephen’s daughter, Riley, to do the Nae Nae, I thought, This would make the perfect 21st century My Two Dads remake: you’ve got at least three ethnicities, three or four SI covers (thanks to the efforts of Pablo Torre), an MVP and an NBA championship. Who wouldn’t watch this show!?!?

5. Where in the World?

Answer to Tuesday’s photo: Astana, Kazakhstan

Here’s another shot of today’s question:

Music 101

Two Tickets to Paradise

Billy Joel may be the most famous “rocker” from Long Island, but maybe Eddie Money (born: Mahoney) may be its best guitarist/pop star. This was not the first hit from his eponymous 1977 debut album — that was “Baby Hold On”  — but time has been kinder to it.

Eddie’s grandfather, dad and brother were all members of the NYPD. He was in training to become a cop, too, before he opted for a music career.

Remote Patrol

Valley of the Dolls

TCM 11:45 p.m.

“Three young women pursue acting and end up being destroyed by the very lifestyle they desired,” says my TV video guide. Quite prescient, that, considering that one of the stars of the film was the ill-fated Sharon Tate.