IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy 75th to the man who kept the beat for the Beatles….

Starting Five

1. Upon Further Review

Yesterday Florida State University made the rare and unusual move of dismissing a blue-chip quarterback from its team. De’Andre Johnson, who was Florida’s “Mr. Football” last autumn (in a state that has more football talent than any), was shown the door after this video surfaced.

Granted, the woman at the bar is badly behaved. Granted, she raises her fist to Johnson first. But you NEVER strike a woman. You just don’t. This is one of just many reasons that 18 year-olds such as Johnson are not allowed to drink in bars.

Johnson enrolled early and took part in the spring game, which is why this photo exists.

Of course, reasonable people may wonder why FSU did nothing for 12 days about this incident until yesterday, when the video was finally released by the State Attorney’s Office. It just leads me to think that Everett Golson has been looking very sharp in his offseason workouts.

Meanwhile, c’mon, would it be the worst thing in the world if Notre Dame offered Mr. Johnson a chance at redemption?

2. Men Behaving Badly (Parts 2 & 3)

Turns out he wanted a lot more than chocolate cake

A decade ago, back when Bill Cosby was admitting in a civil suit that he obtained Quaaludes in order to have sex with young women (When you got the Quaaludes, was it in your mind that you were going to use these Quaaludes for young women that you wanted to have sex with?” Troiani asked. “Yes,” Cosby replied.), I probably would have told you that you were crazy to suggest that Bill Cosby would obtain drugs in order to rape women.
What’s next? Subway’s Jared Fogle involved in a child porn investigation?!??

3. Carnage in Belgium

We haven’t seen carnage like this among the 2-wheeled crowd since Twin Peaks in Waco

Stage 3 of the Tour de France, in the Belgian lowlands, was supposed to be a relatively sedate affair. Instead, on a straightaway with a slight incline Frenchman William Bonnet’s inattention (I wonder if he was texting) led to 20 cyclists getting caught in a pile-up. Four cyclists had to drop out immediately. Bonnet was led off in a neck brace while Fabian Cancellera, who was wearing the yellow jersey, fractured a pair of vertebrae and had to withdraw.

Race directors made the rare move of briefly halting the race since all medical personnel were treating riders at the scene and wouldn’t have been able to assist if there was another crash.

4. Amicus Briefs!

There she is: Attorney, athlete, and incurable Seatle Seahawk fan (you think she chose those colors randomly?) Amelia Boone, gracing the August cover of Runner’s World. Very cool.

Your author ran a race with Miss Boone back in January, which is to say that I saw her at the starting line and then never again.

5. Steeple People

Believe it or not, the dude in the red singlet is seconds away from setting the U.S. record in the 3000-meter steeplechase. Evan Jager, a proud Wisconsin alum, was racing in Paris on the 4th of July and leading as he approached the final hurdle on the last lap.

And then, ever so slightly, Jager’s toe struck the red barrier. And that allowed Jairus Birech of Kenya to overtake him and break the tape. Still, Jager rose up and finished in 8:00.45, which is a new American record. Without the stumble, Jager would’ve become the first non-African born person ever to run this race in under eight minutes. Which we assume he’ll do later this month.

If this had taken place at the Olympics, it would’ve been a Forever Moment.

Music 101

Photograph

In honor of Ringo’s landmark birthday, here’s the best song with this title that is not performed by Def Leppard.

Remote Patrol

The Station Agent

The Movie Channel 8 p.m.

Three relatively unknown actors at the time — Patricia Clarkson, Bobby Cannavale and The Imp himself, Peter Dinklage — in an abandoned train depot in New Jersey. Sorry, Zach Braff, but this is the best love letter to the Garden State anyone wrote and filmed since the millennium began.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Holy Birthday Cake, Batman, the Boy Wonder himself, Burt Ward, turns 70 today

It’s All Happening!

Japanese keeper Ayumi Kaihori falling down on the job….

1. Drone Strike

It’s one thing to record a hat trick.

Another to do so in the first 16 minutes of a match.

Yet another to do so in the World Cup final.

And yet on another plane altogether to make the third goal a shot taken literally from the midfield stripe.

New Jersey’s own Carli Lloyd did all of that on Sunday as the USA beat Japan, 5-2. I’ll leave the rest to Andres Cantor of Telemundo.

2. A Marathon Race That Is Not

Forsberg’s time of 47:48 broke the existing record by nearly 3 minutes

It’s called the Mount Marathon Race because that’s the name of the mountain that looms over the town of Seward, Alaska. But the race itself is barely more than a 5K. It has been staged on the 4th of July each year since at least 1915, perhaps earlier. No one is sure.

Contestants start in the downtown area, run up a 3,022-foot mountain, then clamber back down. It’s dangerous. Legs are broken. ACLs are torn. Three years ago a woman suffered a lacerated liver and another man, Robert LeMaitre, vanished. His body has never been found.

When you reach the top, you’re only halfway there. That’s Forsberg.

But on this 4th of July something bizarre happened as well: both the men’s and women’s champions set new time records. Emelie Forsberg, 28, of Sweden, ran up and down Mount Marathon in 47:48. And the men’s winner, Kilian Jornet of Spain, set a new men’s record of 41:48.

Jornet, 27, actually lives in Chamonix, France. With Forsberg. They are a couple.

3. Pride Goeth Before a Fall

Your family tree may not resemble this

If your kitty cat has ever been stuck in a tree, you can empathize. That’s 15 lions in Tanzania, recently snapped escaping flies. Related: I love animals. Why would anyone harm one?

4. Car- Nival

Dillon went Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the field at Daytona

Austin Dillon survives this crash at the Cooke Zero 400, a race e that did not end until after midnight earlier today. Dale Earnhardt, Jr., won.

Meanwhile in Scandinavia, the finish here of the World RX of Sweden road rally will leave you gob-smacked. Though it seems as if he should be disqualified, no?

5. Playing with Fire(works)

It was reported that New York Giant defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul “severely” hurt his hand in a fireworks accident. And so you wondered if JPP had lost any fingers. He did not, and Pro Football Talk went so far as to report that the rumors regarding JPP’s injury were…”overblown.” Paging Horatio Caine on that one….

The latest news is that the G-Men are pulling their $60 million offer to JPP, but wonks say he wasn’t about to accept it, anyway (don’t judge: We’ve all turned down that amount of scratch at one time or another). Either way, JPP is a defensive end. He really doesn’t need his fingers, which most likely suffered nerve damage and lost some flesh, to work all that well. He’s an edge rusher, not a pianist.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy birthday from myself and the Funkhousers to Larry David, who turns 68 today. Pretty…pretty…pretty good!

Also, a happy birthday to a true legend at Sports Illustrated and the woman who hired me, Bambi Wulf. It’s a name built for literary introspection.

Starting Five

UM, what went wrong?

1. Unnecessary Gruffness

Harbaugh. Cowherd. Bye?. Buy. Bye-bye…

2. Spending Spree…Well

Knight, Bledsoe, Booker, Goodwin. Phoenix keeps pushing toward an all-Kentucky lineup.

On the first day of NBA free agency, fans got a bitter taste of just how out of proportion NBA revenues are to our own expectations of economic reality: Brandon Knight, Suns, five years, $70 million. Khris Middleton, Bucks (I’ll say!), the same. Sure, Kevin Love got more (5 years, $110 M), but at least he’s an All-Star.

In the next five years Knight is set to earn more $$ each year than another 6’3″ Suns guard, who only retired last season, Steve Nash, ever earned in any year of his career.
The Cavs, by the way, sewed up Love, Tristan Thompson and Iman Shumpert for a combined $230 million…in case you were wondering what the going rate of bringing a championship to a city that hasn’t seen one in more than five decades costs.

3. Ohh, England

You can only feel empathy for Bassett, no? That patch is rather ironic.

An own goal in stoppage time by Laura Bassett dooms the English in the Women’s World Cup semi final versus Japan. Blimey!

Gary Smith has already typed 7,000 words on this….

4. Lost…and Unfortunately, Found

When your double murder suspect gives the mug shot photographer the side eye

The Missing Maricopans, Mike and Tina Careccia, have been found. Well, their bodies have. Not far from where the car disappeared. And not far from a local watering hole. A suspect, Jose Valenzuela, is in custody. Go ahead, Donald Trump, take a bow.

5. Peas Be With You

Legume (let go of me), peas! Even POTUS weighed in. They do not belong in guacamole. As someone tweeted at the New York Times, who suggested as much, “Nobody likes you.” It’s true, by the way.

Forrest Gump: “We go together like peas and carrots.” Okay.

Grey Lady: “We go together like peas and avocados.” Not so fast, my friend.

Reserves

. Donald: Duck!

Finally, the Rape of the Sabines has been solved. It wasn’t the Romans; it was a team of prep cooks.

Donald Trump to Don Lemon“Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

I’m no expert on crime statistics, Donald, but I’d say, “Men, mostly.” Also, men who know their victims.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

It may be Wednesday, but Debbie Harry, who turns 70 today, will always be our Sunday Girl. Stay at home, Sunday Girl.

Happy 70th to the lead singer of Blondie. Related: Where do we sign up to be part of Camp Funtime?

Starting Five

A victory over Germany followed by a clinching of the championship versus Japan? It’s possible.

1. Germany Out, Bring on Japan (or England)

“We just beat the Jerrys in the World Cup — this IS the end of football!”

That last night I happened to see the Mad Men episode in which Lane Pryce watches the 1966 World Cup, in which England defeats Germany in the final (men’s), was pure whimsy. But, as you know, the U.S. women defeated world No. 1 Germany last night in Montreal, 2-0, to advance to Sunday’s final versus either Japan or England.

iCarli

Midfielder Carli Lloyd scored the go-ahead goal in the 2nd half on a penalty kick before assisting on an insurance goal to Broadway star Kelley O’Hara very late in the affair. Team USA has now gone 513 minutes without allowing a goal in this tournament.

A Germany-Japan double in the last two games? Possible. If that happens and the US wins, I’ll don my white sailor’s suit, head to Times Square, and smooch the first stranger I see. Happy days are here again….

2. Arsons of Anarchy

Seven black churches razed in nine days, all of them in the South.

Since the Charleston shootings on June 17 in which nine African-Americans were murdered at the Emanuel AME Church, SEVEN black churches have been put to flames. All of them in the South. We see you, KKK.

June 22: College Hills Seventh-Day Adventist Church, Knoxville

June 23: God’s Power of Christ Church, Macon, Ga.

June 24: Briar Creek Road Baptist Church, Charlotte

June 24: Fruitland Presbyterian Church, Gibson County, Tenn.

June 26: Greater Miracle Apostolic Holiness Church, Tallahassee, Fla.

June 26: Glover Grove Baptist Church, Warrenville, S.C.

June 30: Mount Zion Methodist Episcopal Church, Greeleyville, S.C.

3. This Could Be the Last Time

The Glimmer Twins, et al: Am I rough enough? Am I rich enough?

It’s July 1 and I doubt rock and roll will ever see a month quite like this again.
Here are the bands that you would be able to see live this month if time and money allowed (I’ll put EU in parens if band is in Europe): The Rolling Stones, The Who (EU), The Grateful Dead, Paul McCartney (EU and USA), Bob Dylan (EU), Van Morrison (EU), Billy Joel, Brian Wilson, Neil Young, Van Halen, Rush and U2.

4. Go! Go! Gunhild!

The Western States 100, which began in 1977, is the granddaddy of ultra marathons. Last weekend in northern California a grandmommy stole the show. Gunhild Swanson of Spokane, who was born in Germany, became the first woman over the age of 70 to complete the Western States. Moreover, she finished in 29:59:54, just six seconds shy of the race’s 30-hour cut-off.

My hunch is that Amelia Boone will probably win this race next year….

5. More Markazi!

The friendliest man we know…

I’m using No. 5 today to say congratulations to my good friend Arash “Guest List
Markazi, who is about to pull the Gabe Kotter routine and teach at his old school: the University of Southern California. Arash will also be moving up from ESPN LA to ESPN Original Recipe.

One of the true good dudes in the business, and just about the sweetest sportswriter (those words go together only in the rarest of circumstances: Arash, Dick “Hoops” Weiss and Bruce Feldman come to mind) you’d ever meet. Koala bears envy Arash his adorable nature.

Good for you, Professor Markazi. Knock ’em dead.

Music 101

You Suck

Right now there’s dust on my guitar, you ****/And it’s all your fault/Oh, you paralyze my mind/And for that you suck

Remember the early 1990s, when grunge and Lilith Fairy-ness battled it out during the last relevant days — as a music channel — of MTV? These are The Murmurs and they’re angry.

Remote Patrol

Whiplash

STARZ 9 p.m.

“Now play me that Pina Colada Song and make it bleed!”

“Were you rushing or were you dragging?” From what I’ve been told (I haven’t seen it yet), this will probably be the most fondly remembered film of 2014. Five years from now, this story of a jazz drumming prodigy and his martinet of an instructor will be the movie you’d be willing to watch on TV. Can’t say the same for Boyhood or Birdman.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy 30th, Michael Phelps. That’s 3 gold medals for every 5 years on the planet.

Starting Five

1. The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what’s on the other side?
Perhaps we found out last week, as rainbow flags were flown proudly after the SCOTUS decision while Stars and Bars flags came down. I like to think that we live in a country where two men can wed one another while wearing suits made of rebel flags.

Meanwhile, maybe it’s time Kermit came out of the closet and admitted Miss Piggy is a beard.

Of course, not everyone was happy about the new rainbow coalition. Willie O’Reilly said the White House rainbow was an affront to “traditional Americans,” in other words, “straight white guys like me who occasionally cheat on our wives and eventually pay huge divorce settlements.”

And here’s a wonderful video from Georgia with the tag, “God don’t like ugly….”

2. Bryant: Park

That’s Bryant in the foreground and Florida State starter Everett Golson in the background. Betwixt, C.J. Prosise, who may take Bryant’s spot.

Notre Dame sidelined 2nd-string (and possibly 3rd) running back Greg Bryant for the first four games of the season yesterday for an incident not involving the punching of a woman at a bar. It wouldn’t be summer in South Bend without a football suspension, now would it?

Fighting Irish summer football suspension are a little like doing your income taxes. All you know for sure each year is that you’re going to take a hit; you just don’t know how bad.

Bryant, a former 5-star recruit out of Plantation, Fla., has long been known as a guy who tries to do a little too much with each play — which sometimes results in fumbles — as opposed to just hitting the hole hard and taking what’s there. Tarean Folston, who like Bryant is a junior from Florida, is the No. 1 back in Brian Kelly’s offense because he is far more reliable.

3. Vanished

Seven days ago Michael Careccia, a United Airlines pilot based in Maricopa, Ariz., and his wife, Tina, an accountant, awoke before sunrise and left for work. No one has seen them since, though their car was found on the very first day they were reported missing. And they have children. Strange case.

4. Delle Donne, Dominant

Delle Donne also goes by “That’s at least two more NCAA titles Geno would’ve had.”

No sophomore slump for Elena Delle Donne of the Chicago Sky, who leads the WNBA in scoring (29 ppg.) and is 3rd in rebounding (9.6 per game). The only other player who is in the top four in two major categories is Skylar Diggins, who is fourth in scoring and third in assists. And Diggins’ team, the Tulsa Shock Syndrome, have the league’s best record at 8-1.

5. Roads Rule

The first installment of this section brings us to British Columbia’s Sea to Sky Highway. (from Chicago Sky to Sea To Sky. See how we did that?) Props to whoever gave it such a magical name. Also known as Highway 99, it runs from Vancouver to Whistler. I’ve driven it once. Hope to return.

Music 101

Lovely Day

Then I look at you/And the world alright with me/Just one look at you/And I know it’s gonna be….

Born on the 4th of July, Bill Withers served nine years in the U.S. Navy. He hit it big in the late Sixties with “Ain’t No Sunshine” and then in the early ’70s with “Lean On Me,” arguably his greatest pop song. This 1977 tune goes down smooth. Withers, who will turn 77 on Saturday, was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Remote Patrol

World Cup Semifinal: USA vs. Germany

Fox  7 p.m.

Wambach, wa wa. Will the USA stop whining? From Montreal, on the 71st anniversary of the Battle of Cherbourg (we won that one).

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Starting Five

Did the SpaceX rocket break up or was it simply a conscious uncoupling?

1. It Is Rocket Science*

An unmanned SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket carrying nearly two tons of supplies for three men aboard the International Space Station broke up 2 1/2 minutes after launch, but before lunch, on Sunday. SpaceX is a company founded by Tesla visionary Elon Musk. Maybe battery-powered rockets aren’t the way to go?

*We will also accept “I’ll Take Bad Kate Hudson Films for $400, Alex” and “Oh, the Inhumanity”

2. “Estas Despedido!”

Yeah, but the Latinos love Trump, and Trump loves the Latinos.

One week after Donald Trump, while announcing his presidential candidacy from his eponymous 5th Avenue building, says that Mexican illegal aliens include a bunch of “rapists and drug dealers,” NBC Universal fires the man most famous for the phrase, “You’re fired.”
Trump then stepped out onto 5th Avenue with a suitcase and caught a cab.

Meanwhile, NBC will no longer air Trump’s Miss USA or Miss Universe pageants. If you’re scoring at home, Trump uttered a racist comment and NBC responded by dropping his sexist annual TV events. Oh, okay.

3. Paying the Ultimate Spice

It’s a few days too late to save Caleb Halley, who died at the sharp end of a co-worker’s knife last week over a gumbo seasoning argument, but here’s what Chef Emeril recommends:

 

  • 2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
  • 2 tablespoons salt
  • 2 tablespoons garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon onion powder
  • 1 tablespoon black pepper
  • 1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
  • 1 tablespoon dried leaf oregano
  • 1 tablespoon dried leaf thyme

 

 

Halley, as you may know, portrayed Chief Osceola as an undergrad at Florida State football games between 2004 and 2007.

The real Chief Osceola died of infection or malaria after being captured by deception under a flag of truce.

Filed Under: Flori-Duh

4. World’s Greatest Nestle’s Quik Ad

The vortex is about 8 feet in diameter, large enough to swallow a boat.

What is it about Oklahoma and funnels? Above, tornados. Below, vortexes. This one formed on Lake Texoma, which is near, you guessed it, the Oklahoma-Texas border, after heavy rains. Video here. Watch, and it’s like being on ‘shrooms. Coo-ul.

5. Law & Order: Special Diners Unit

Pier Pressure: At the end of this walk, the server encountered the dine-and-dashers.

“Look in my eyes!” he screamed. “I’ve KILLED people! Look in my eyes!”

I stood inches away from a man who was about 20 years younger, four to five inches taller, and I’d guess about 40 to 50 pounds heavier than I am. He was a white dude with clean-cut black hair and dark brown eyes. He wore a red tank top with blue horizontal stripes. He looked vaguely Irish. He could’ve been a fireman or a Wall Street douchebag for all I know.

It was nearing 10 p.m. last night, about 15 minutes after I’d first noticed that he and his female companion had run out on a bill worth no more than $70. It was near the end of my shift at the cookoutateria and like my fellow servers, I’d been hustling to do my side work, which entails a lot of trips to and from the kitchen area, as the last few tables lingered.

I noticed they had left their edge-of-the-terrace table and so I went to gather up the bill. They’d left the check but no money. No credit card. Dine-And-Dash. This happens about once a summer to a waiter at our place, and it makes you feel used more than anything else.

There are three exits from our restaurant. Out to West 79th, or north or south along the walk along the Hudson River. I guessed that they, like most diners, were headed back into the city via the most direct route, W. 79th, so I ran through the restaurant and up the stairs to find them. Once I got to the street, I could not spot them all the way up to West End Ave. There aren’t many places to escape other than the street itself, so I decided they had fled along the river.

There’s not much happening along the river to the north, especially on a Sunday night, but to the south there is a cafe and a pier that juts out a good 150 yards or so (above). I decided to take a chance and head south. From what I remembered of them, they hadn’t looked as if they couldn’t afford to pay their $69 tab (and we could afford to absorb it; for me it was the principle of the matter).

I thought they might’ve headed this way to celebrate their Bonnie-and-Clyde’ing of us. First I checked the Pier i Cafe, but they were not seated there. I decided to take a short walk down that long pier on the slim chance that they might be out there. All I really remembered is that the male had dark hair and a striped tank top.

Having walked most of the pier, I was about to turn back, but something told me that, having come this far, I should walk all the way to the end and check out the random couple lingering along the rail at the end. And then, wow, there they stood.

And here is where I made my mistake: at that moment I should have dialed 911. They had no idea I was searching for them, after all. Would’ve been the wise thing to do. If I’d waited for New York’s Finest, we could have approached them together, surprised them, and made an arrest. Alas, adrenalin got the the best of me…

I approached them. “Hey, did you forget this?” I asked, showing him the bill. “Pay up, asshole.”

I’m not sure I said that word. I might’ve used something stronger. Anyway, at first he pretended not to know what I was talking about, then he quickly told me, “If you don’t get out of my face, you’re going over that rail.”

A spirited discussion ensued, as I tried to phone 911 and he and the girl started to make their way from the pier. I ran down to the other end, knowing they had no other escape route, and found a pair of Park Enforcement Patrol (PEP) officers. I quickly told them my story — the 911 call went to a New Jersey operator who was asking what state I was in.

The PEP officers were no help. And the perps were now walking past us toward….what?…freedom? I stepped directly in the man’s way. He put a finger into my chest and warned me that he was going to “fuck you up.” Then I grabbed his female companion by the wrist and she warned, “You have no idea who you’re dealing with.”

True, I didn’t. Nor did I care.

I released her and returned to him. I have no idea what the PEP boys (one was a female, though) were doing. Observing? At this point he grabbed and tried to throw me to the ground. I held on and he whirled and I went flying. It didn’t really hurt but I could see he was a lot bigger and stronger than I was.

I kept Jack Russell Terrier’ing him, as I called out, “Police!” Nothing. Then he told me he was a lawyer. I kept trailing him. Then I noticed he was trying to walk to a dark area where no one would follow us. “What’s your name?” I asked him. “What’s your name?”

“My name is ‘I’m gonna fuck you up!” he replied.

Unfortunate choice of parents, that.

I went no further, but I kept saying loudly enough for others to hear that he’d walked out on his bill and he owed me money. That’s when he got into my face and screamed, “I’ve killed people!!!!”

Then he did that thing where he pointed to his own eyes with his index and middle fingers and screamed, “Look at my eyes! I’ve killed people! Look at my eyes! I will fuck you up!”

And I just kept telling him to pay, because I don’t boast that I will kick people’s asses because that’s really not my nature. And I know that. But it doesn’t mean I’m just about to surrender.

This is Michael Madsen’s son, Christian. Dude looked A LOT like this guy. Not saying it was him, just that it looked a lot like him.

And then he ran. He took off up a ramp to get to where the Trump apartments are on the West Side. Maybe he’d just stalled me long enough to let his girlfriend get away. I ran after him, but what was I going to do if I caught him with no cops around? There were a few dozen people watching, but no one was willing to help.

And so that was my night. I asked the PEP cop why he hadn’t helped and he replied, “I’m not going to lose my job by putting my hands on someone.” The real NYPD eventually arrived and took a report and told me the PEP would’ve entirely been in his authority to have taken charge of the situation.

I only wish I’d taken a photo of the couple through all of that. I’ll be smarter about that next time. But it was certainly an interesting night. And my manager voided the check. “You did everything you possibly could,” he said.

 

 

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy 41st, Captain Dutch. I loved those heds from earlier this week: “Jeter and Davis split….the check at lunch!”

Starting Five

Knicks fans did not shower KP with a whole Latvia love…..

1. “Kristaps (Boo!) Porzingis (Boo!)”

With the fourth pick in the NBA draft, the New York Knicks select a 7’2″ Latvian who is either the white Kevin Durant or the not-French Frederic Weis. Stay tuned. Karl-Anthony Towns goes first, to the T-Wolves, while the Lakers take a man with a very L.A. name and look, D’Angelo Russell, and the Sixers are well on their way to having the world’s premier indoor volleyball team by adding Jahlil Okafor to their stable of seven-footers.

Frank the Tank will play for MJ in Charlotte.

Duke’s Justise Winslow slides all the way down to 10th spot and Miami, which was so outrageous that it compelled Bill Simmons to break radio silence for the one and only time last night(“I take back everything I said about trying for the 8th playoff spot over getting a top-10 pick. Winslow is a stud. Miami does it again.”). As you know, this JW loves that JW.

The Irish have not one but two players drafted, which probably last happened in the Seventies. Jerian Grant to Washington (which already has arguably the league’s second-best backcourt, and they’re both very young) and Pat Connaughton to Brooklyn. I’ll now be referring to him as Park Slope (ask your NYC friends).

2. In Other News, the USA Track & Field Outdoor Championships Began Yesterday in Eugene….

And now “man spreading” means something entirely different to me….

If you haven’t seen the video…. I’m no field events coach, but if you’re going to do a running start, you don’t stop and then plant both feet. Haven’t you ever seen anyone long jump? Or dunk? To the dude’s credit, he got right up and walked away. I’m not sure how.

3. Confederacy of Dunce

I don’t know if I despise this FoxSports.com op-ed more because it’s so replete with half-truths and disingenuous lies or because its author is so absolutely devoid of empathy.

The greatest thing that could happen here is if in the middle of the night someone kidnapped Clay Travis and placed him in chains. Maybe they’d take away his children,  never to be seen again. Perhaps things would be done to his wife that are not so pleasant. Perhaps he’d be made to watch.

He’d be stripped entirely of his property, not to mention his name. He’d be told what to do and when to do it for the rest of his life. He’d have no authority to argue his point ever again. Even if he’s on the right side of any matter, he loses. Every time. If he’s insubordinate or even defiant, he will be whipped. Or lose a limb. He may eventually be allowed to remarry, but whoever owns him makes sure Clay knows that his wife is just as much the owner’s property as it is his.

Oh, and he has absolutely no hope that any of this will ever change in his lifetime. None of it.

And the people who do this to him, well, they will have a little flag that they like to wave that symbolizes the way of life that they live, a way of life that is appreciably better because millions of Clay Travises do their hard labor for them for free, which cuts costs, which increases profit. Which is the number one reason that these halcyon days are even remotely possible.

And after all of this, if Clay Travis and his fellow kidnapped servants, if they have a problem with us waving that flag…or if they don’t like that it’s now been coopted by a lunatic fringe who’d like to kill Clay and everyone who looks like him….well, Clay and his pals better get over it. Because their centuries of fear and terror and institutional discrimination are so negligent as compared to the point that you shouldn’t let a Twitter mob dictate your actions.

After all, THAT is the real injustice.

I mean, come the fuck on!

Travis writes:

And here’s a history lesson for you from someone who didn’t learn about the Civil War from Facebook. I actually went to Civil War sleepaway camp in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania and have been fascinated by the era for my entire life. (Yes, I was really cool in high school). The north didn’t go to war with the south to end slavery, they went to war to preserve the union.*

And here’s a history lesson for you, Clay. Here’s Article IV, Section 2, of the Confederate Constitution of the United States:

 (I) The citizens of each State shall be entitled to all the privileges and immunities of citizens in the several States; and shall have the right of transit and sojourn in any State of this Confederacy, with their slaves and other property; and the right of property in said slaves shall not be thereby impaired.
(2) A person charged in any State with treason, felony, or other crime against the laws of such State, who shall flee from justice, and be found in another State, shall, on demand of the executive authority of the State from which he fled, be delivered up, to be removed to the State having jurisdiction of the crime.
(3) No slave or other person held to service or labor in any State or Territory of the Confederate States, under the laws thereof, escaping or lawfully carried into another, shall, in consequence of any law or regulation therein, be discharged from such service or labor; but shall be delivered up on claim of the party to whom such slave belongs,. or to whom such service or labor may be due.

Will we still be able to read columns on the Hottest Coaches’ Wives in the SEC? Um, no.

And here’s Alexander H. Stephens, Vice President of the Confederate States, speaking on March 21, 1861, in Savannah, Ga. This is an excerpt from what is known as the Cornerstone Speech:
“Our new government is founded upon exactly the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its corner- stone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery subordination to the superior race is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth. This truth has been slow in the process of its development, like all other truths in the various departments of science. It has been so even amongst us. Many who hear me, perhaps, can recollect well, that this truth was not generally admitted, even within their day. The errors of the past generation still clung to many as late as twenty years ago. Those at the North, who still cling to these errors, with a zeal above knowledge, we justly denominate fanatics. All fanaticism springs from an aberration of the mind from a defect in reasoning. It is a species of insanity. One of the most striking characteristics of insanity, in many instances, is forming correct conclusions from fancied or erroneous premises; so with the anti-slavery fanatics. Their conclusions are right if their premises were. They assume that the negro is equal, and hence conclude that he is entitled to equal privileges and rights with the white man.

Alexander Stephens’ point: the negro is subordinate to the white man

And so this is my point. Whether or not the North was fighting the Civil War to end slavery, as Travis says it was NOT, that is immaterial. The South seceded because it did want to preserve slavery. And that’s sort of the point. The war was about Southern secession, and the secession was based on the fact that the South wanted to continue the practice of slavery because it made economic sense.
And either Travis is too stupid to have understood that point — he’s not — or he was hoping that you wouldn’t see his absurd leap in logic because, you know, he went to law school and you didn’t and he’s smarter than you are.
Stephens gave that speech extemporaneously, just three weeks before Southern forces fired on Fort Sumter not too far up the coast from Savannah to launch the Civil War.  Fort Sumter is located in a harbor just off the shore from…Charleston. That’s not a coincidence, in terms of where Roof chose to target his victims.
The diatribe about social media, or people not putting things in context, or Facebook mobs…all true, but who gives a shit? That’s hardly the point here. Maybe the SEC frat boy alums who have helped make the author of Dixieland Delight so popular sop up this garbage with a biscuit, but you don’t have to.
This is intellectually dishonest crap, from a well-educated person who’d rather appeal to his fan base or dangle click bait than tell the truth.
You wanna fly the flag? Go ahead. It’s a free country (unlike the Confederacy, by the way). But if you think it’s more important to make a grand point about hypocrisy and social media overreaction at the expense of any empathy for the generations of people who lived in bondage (what a nice word for the horrors they endured) with absolutely NO HOPE of ever having control of any aspect of their lives, and if you choose to do so by making straw man arguments that you know are invalid, I have to ask: What is it you’re really advocating for?
Okay, I think we’re done here for the day.
*Thanks to good friend Sorp for the historical assist.

4. Here We Go Again

In Tallahassee, true freshman quarterback DeAndre Johnson is suspended after allegedly punching a woman in a bar. Before we get to why a minor was in a bar, we should note that Johnson was suspended for “breaking team rules.” Johnson was 8 of 11 passing with two touchdowns in the Seminoles’ spring game. He was the state’s Mr. Football last year, which in that state means a lot.
Tallahassee P.D. are yet to charge Johnson with a crime or even interview him, according to Mark Schlabach’s piece on ESPN.com.
From Mark Schlabach’s story on ESPN: The incident report redacted the alleged suspect’s name and a witness’ name. The woman’s name was not redacted.

5. Messrs. Smug and Arrogant

The world’s most outspoken activist comedian, Bill Maher, visits with Jerry Seinfeld in the latest episode of CICGC. Two favorite moments:
1) When Maher expounds on how tough it was for him starting out, and says that when people criticized his act, he could be a… and as he pauses, Jerry fills in, “a prick.” Because that much about Maher is definitely accurate.
2) Maher notes that philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said that “Three o’clock in the afternoon is both too late and too early to do anything you really want to do.”
To which Seinfeld replies, “He should’ve done stand-up.”

Remote Patrol

Women’s World Cup: USA vs. China
Fox Sports 1   7:30 p.m.

Sailors say , Brandi, you’re a fine girl/What a good midfielder you would be….

The Americans have not allowed a goal in 333 minutes and yet if you listen to them and to soccer analysts, the sky is falling. This is a rematch of the landmark 1999 World Cup final (Brandi Chasten sports bra moment), and also the first time these two nations have met in the World Cup since that day.

 

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

“Let’s go to the record store and look at Carly Simon album covers” — Dr. Johnny Fever, WKRP. Happy 70th, Ms. Clouds in My Coffee

Starting Five

Don’t make me bring Louis C.K. in here to shut you down!

1. “You’re In My House!”

A heckler at an LGBT function at the White House is reminded by POTUS that it is disrespectful to interrupt the host in his own home (Miss Porter’s Rules). Not to mention it’s kind of dumb to heckle a man who has drone-termination capability. Would it be wrong of me to inflect a “Those people!” right here?

2. All Out of Dimes*

clockwise: Tom, Joanie, Susan, Elizabeth, David, Abby (sans Roadster), Tommy, Mary, Nancy and NICHOLAS!!!!!!

We children of the Seventies adored Tom Bradford, master of the house on Eight Is Enough and ringmaster of the paragon of domestic life that we all once thought possible. The ABC one-hour dramedy was pure fiction: a man can afford to raise eight children and live in a two-story home on a newspaper columnist’s salary.The man who played the Bradford patriarch, Dick Van Patten, passed away a couple of days ago.

Lest we forget, Late Night with David Letterman once did a Top 10 List entitled “Top 10 Anatomical Parts or Van Pattens” and yes, No. 1 was “Dick.”

*Oh we spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes…

3. Where’s The Baby?

I hope he was wearing protection on that grab

Toronto Blue Jay Josh Donaldson attempts to out-first row Cub fan Keith Hartley with this leaping catch into the stands at Tropicana Field last night. At the time, it was the bottom of the eighth inning and Toronto pitcher Marco Estrada was working on a perfect game. And that foul pop came on a 3-2 count.

Alas, the following Ray batter, Logan Forsythe, got an infield single to spoil the bid.

4. Alberto’s Manifesto

Salazar, who was born in Cuba, won the New York City Marathon three years running (well, of course he was running; that’s how he won)

On June 3 the BBC in conjunction with American website Pro Publica released a detailed and scathing investigation of Nike Oregon Project coach and U.S. running legend Alberto Salazar. Three weeks later, yesterday, the Empire (Nike) struck back.

Salazar produced and 11,000-word treatise rebutting the allegations. It was so verbose that Nike’s website had to print it in two parts. While Salazar makes a number of valid arguments, he also character-assassinates former coach Steve Magness and former Olympian Adam Goucher. Also, he uses the word “hypogonadism” in his own defense.

Meanwhile, the USA Outdoor Track & Field Championships begin today from Eugene. Enjoy that.

5. Is This How Manhattan Started?

As lakes go, Africa’s Lake Victoria, the largest on that continent and the second-largest in the world by surface area (26,600 square miles) after only Lake Superior (hence the name), is rather large.

So when a piece of shoreline broke off from Uganda and began floating around the lake four months ago, there was plenty of room for it to move. In the interim, at least 10 artists have set up permanent residence on the floating island and renamed it “Mirembe,” which means peace.

I don’t know exactly how land floats and I’m not sure what happens after the first crocodile moves in, but this is an indie film waiting to happen.

Music 101

That’s The Way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be

But you say it’s time we move in together/And raised a family of our own you and me….

In honor of Carly Simon’s 70th, I’m presenting my favorite not-built-for-radio-play tune of hers. In the early 70s, Carly Simon and Carole King were the twin towers of pop music. Carly was a consummate talent (with great legs!). This performance took place in Central Park in August of ’71.

 

Remote Patrol

NBA Draft

ESPN 7 p.m.

Not only is he talented enough to play professional baseball and basketball, but Connaughton also can sing the entire Air Supply oeuvre

I’m the guy who wouldn’t draft Jahlil Okafor, at least not in the top five. Don’t ask me why. I just don’t have a good feeling about him. I love KAT, love the Winslow boy, love both Wiscy players, like Kelly Oubre, and think some team in the lower part of the first round will be very happy that they selected Pat Connaughton.

Meanwhile, wouldn’t it be nice if John Skipper lifted Bill Simmons’ mask of silence and allowed him to opine tonight from the Sports Guy Mansion? Push-leeze! Note: the first time the Simmons publicly called a prominent figure out as a liar on air was at the 2013 NBA draft, when he implied Doc Rivers was doing so….

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy 35th, Minka Kelly. Let’s go dutch on a pizza.

Also, a happy 34th birthday to the Humber Bridge in Yorkshire, which when it opened was the world’s longest suspension bridge at 7,280 feet.

Starting Five

“Honey, I’m going to the game. We got front-row seats.” “You’re bringing the baby!”

1. Dad Bod-acious

The dad: Keith Hartley. (Any relation to Dr. Robert Hartley?)
The baby: Isaac Hartley.

The photographer: Jon Soohoo.

The Dodger: Adrian Gonzalez.

Not in attendance: Steve Bartman.

The Cubs would win 1-0 in 10 innings. I’m not sure if Keith and Isaac had wandered home by then. The Cubs have, who are now 9 games above .500,  beat former Cy Young winners Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke on consecutive nights at Wrigley.

Oh, so that’s the way it’s done…

2. The Sleeper

He’s a 6’11” Latvian with a sweet touch from beyond the arc, and I’m pretty sure he lost to Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV: he’s Kristaps Porzingis, and you’re hearing that he’s a “white Kevin Durant.”

Perhaps. On the other hand, ESPN Stats said yesterday that the only international player drafted in the lottery in the past 12 years who made an All-Star Game was Yao Ming. So what do you do tomorrow night if you’re an NBA team?

How I’d select the Top 5:

Minnesota: Karl-Anthony Towns, Kentucky

Los Angeles: D’Angelo Russell, THE Ohio State University

Philadelphia: Jahlil Okafor, Duke (Is Joel Embiid going to be the next Greg Oden?)

New York: Justise Winslow, Duke (because even if Porzingis has more upside, Winslow will be a star in this town from Day 1)

Orlando: Porzingis

3. This Is Going To Make A Great Anecdote in Lou Holtz’s Next Speech

Was Someone up above attempting to render a Final Verdict on Dr. Lou? Lightning struck Lou Holtz’s 11,000 square-foot Lake Nona, Fla., home the other night and destroyed a good deal of it. No one inside was seriously hurt. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods wonders how Whoever did this got the address mixed up.

4. Netflix is the New Green

Shares of Netflix, not unlike Kimmy Schmidt, appear unbreakable at the moment.

Shares of Netflix stock continue to torment my friend Dan Wolken. The video streaming service, whose stock is up 99% this year alone and nearly 1,300% in just the past three years, announced a 7-for-1 stock split, effective July 14, after the close of the bell yesterday.

In pre-market trading this morning it is already more than 2% over yesterday’s close at $696. Yes, but is a stock that trades at 177 times earnings a potential house of cards (and hence, a house of pain)?

5. The Most Polite Apprehension of a Mass Murderer You’re Likely To See Today

This is before police went on a Burger King run for Roof (really)

Here’s the arrest of Dylann Roof last week, courtesy of a police dash-cam, less than 24 hours after he murdered nine people. You’ll note that the car with the dash-cam made the gut-wrenching decision to leave the vehicle with “40 minutes of commercial-free classic rock coming up next.” What’s the correct word here? Gentle?

Here’s a second video showing more of the aftermath. Officer Joe Burris, the lone African-American policeman on this detail, pounds his arms together after Roof is put away in the squad car. He’s understandably amped about this arrest. A little more so than his colleagues, it seems.

Music 101

Girl From the North Country

Remember me/To one who lives there /For she once was a true love of mine

Released in May of 1963, written and recorded by the one and only Bob Dylan. Six years later he re-recorded it as a duet with the Man in Black.

Remote Patrol

One Million Years B.C.

TCM 8 p.m.

Plot? Who cares! It’s 91 minutes of Raquel Welch, then 26 years old, in full-busted glory.  My cave or yours?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters

Happy 58th, Marge Gunderson….

Starting Five

Rap City in Blue

1. Mora Money, Mora Problems

The score after P. Diddy allegedly assaulted UCLA strength & conditioning coach Sal Alosi following a Bruin training session on Monday afternoon: Reality 1, Ballers 0.

Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory has now been replaced by Sean Combs with the kettlebell in the coaches’ offices. And now what does Justin Combs, a 5’7″ red-shirt junior defensive back who rarely sees playing time anyway do? Transfer? Stick around? We are all just lucky Suge Knight has no sons who play football.

2. Gone Girl!

It’s so refreshing to profile a fast woman who’s not currently appearing as The Bachelorette

That’s Candace Hill, whose 100-meter time, unlike Nigel Tufnel’s amplifier, does not go to 11. Last weekend Hill, who just finished her sophomore year at Rockdale Magnet  School for Science and Technology in Conyers, Ga., ran a 10.98 in a meet in Seattle. She becomes the first U.S. high school girl to run a sub-11.00 100.

Letting her hair down

To put Hill’s feat into perspective, that time would have won an Olympic gold medal in every Games prior to 1984. Moreover, Hill has a weighted 4.50 GPA in high school. Meet America’s next great sprinter.

3. The Time of Your Lifetime

A Deadly Adoption: The Sharknado of summer 2015

With lines such as “Please don’t make me shoot you again!”, the Lifetime movie A Deadly Adoption earns the network’s Mother, May I Sleep With Danger seal of approval. The gag here is that it stars Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, who play the entire script straight. The funniest aspect of the entire film is that they never once wink at the camera to share the joke.

Okay, was it as funny a collaboration between the two as this was? And was there a scene in which they cut to Tommy Lee Jones not being amused?

Here’s Rolling Stone’s list of their 10 favorite Lifetime movie tropes that the film adhered to. Spoiler Alert on speed dial.

4. Jim Class

Carrey, Coffee, Comedy

One of my true life heroes, Jim Carrey, is the current guest on Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. It’s not so much about his comedy; it’s more about Carrey’s “get-it” factor in terms of his approach to life. Stay tuned to the end when he brings Jerry to his art gallery.

Best exchange comes early when Carrey tells Seinfeld that he used to own a McLaren, but that he found it to be too much car for him. “Now I drive a Tesla,” the environmentally aware Canadian tells his automobile addict host.

“I like burning things,” Seinfeld tosses out offhandedly.

“And we love breathing what you’re burning, baby,” Carrey retorts.

It’s extremely rare to see Seinfeld encounter an intellectual equal, but he has done so here.

5. Where Every Night Is Caucasian Heritage Night

Diversity Night in Orem: Blonde AND brunette!

 

It reads like an article from The Onion. The Orem (Utah) Owlz, a Rookie League minor league baseball team, schedule a “Caucasian Heritage Night” and claim it’s a joke. You know, they’ll serve sandwiches on Wonder Bread and air clips from Friends. 

Except that, I mean, have you ever been to Orem? The people are whiter than the bases. So the joke sort of falls flat. It’s like Miami Beach hosting a “Cheeseball D-Bag Night.”

The team’s media relations director, Joey Zanaboni (sure, he’s from Orem), stepped down after only two weeks on the job when the team refused to relent on holding such a night. Then, after the web went all nutso about it, the Owlz have since canceled the promotion.

So Joey was right. Take heart, Joey. You were never meant for Orem (2 to 1 odds he attended either Fordham or Seton Hall). Continue westward to Vegas where your cousin Sal already has that job lined up for you parking cars at the Tropicana.

Although, as someone noted in Comments, claiming that you’re not racist after coming up with an idea such as Caucasian Heritage Night would seem like a fundamental aspect of a Caucasian Heritage Night.

Music 101

Romeo and Juliet

You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin/Now you just say Romeo oh yeah you know I used to have a scene with him.

Long before Taylor Swift placed Shakespeare’s most storied couple in a song, Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits did so. This band always got respect, but it never got the love it deserved until a later album, Brothers In Arms, was released in the summer of ’85 and Money For Nothing ruled the airwaves. But a lot of the Knopfler loyalists consider this tune from 1980 to be his magnum opus: don’t let the tepid applause from the studio audience from Fridays dissuade you. That was not the crowd to appreciate this tune; it’s a more Unplugged type of ditty.

Remote Patrol

Jimmy Kimmel Live

ABC 11:35 p.m.

All the years Hamm waited tables in L.A. thinking to himself, How does a guy THIS handsome not find work? Think about that, A.J.

A few weeks ago I finally got around to subscribing to NetFlix (you win, Katie) and the only TV I’ve watched in that time, practically, are old episodes of Mad Men (I saw at most 20% of the first four seasons). And so my gast is flattered by just how compelling a character Don Draper is (yeah, I knew, but I didn’t really know, you know what I mean?).

So? Well, I love Jon Hamm because while playing one of the most intriguing characters in TV history, he seemed to have never taken himself too seriously. In an exit interview with the New York Times after the season finale, Hamm noted that the last time he saw his cast mates, he told them, “See you all on The Love Boat.

Anyway, Hamm makes what is as far as I know his first public TV appearance since the end of MM tonight with Jimmy Kimmel. Not that I’ll see it live, but maybe one of you can tell me about it.